A wrench into my healing gears.

[gr8tfriend]

I'm 43. I dated a woman for the past 11 months and I broke up with her about a week ago. (yes, I know it was close to Xmas). We were in love with one another, but the love had become toxic. We were arguing about different future plans and we didn't have many common interests. A topic of stress had always been her relationships with various male friends and in particular, an ex who never seemed to have gone away. Being that we were both in our 40's, I was patient and assumed that any straggling males would eventual fall off the radar as our relationship grew and strengthened. I don't have a problem with opposite sex friends at all, but do believe in maintaining relationship boundaries in order to preserve the intimacy of our own relationship.

We had a tumultous past 6 weeks, several bad arguments and I finally pulled the plug on the 23rd. During that 6 weeks, she had begun to bargain, cry hysterically about breaking up and take on the burden of the failure. I tried to assuage her anquish by stating that we're both good people, but maybe just not with one another and that we both held responsibility for the failure of the relationship. Our conversations were emotionally draining. After we broke up, she sent a nasty email on the 24th. I chalked this up to her just being hurt and angry.

 

I was okay for the first few days and I realize that NC is the way to go, as difficult as it might be. I wrote a closure letter and mailed it to myself.

 

HOWEVER, over the weekend I received some hurtful information. She and the ex boyfriend that had never left the picture had apparently been intimate with one another in the early part of our relationship. This is extremely painful to me because we had discussed this particular topic in detail on several occasions starting on our first date. She doesn't know that I know about the intimate encounters.

 

I feel like I've been sideswiped. I had prepped and prepared to heal from the relationship after breaking up with her based on the information at hand, I had formed the mental fortitude to block out the guilt she was laying on me, I had rationalized that the breakup was best for the both of us, etc.,

 

Now I find out she cheated on me and it's thrown my gameplan for a loop. I have a whole new set of emotions I wasn't prepared for and my original plan is out the window. I have stinging hurt and betrayal emotions, anger, resentment, you name it.

 

I've struggled with sending her an email stating my anger and hurt, thinking that I might expel the guilt onto her. I am beside myself with grief, the vision I had of this person was an illusion and I'm in incredible pain.

[waveseer]

Sounds like both of your dreams were shattered, I know that sucks and I'm sorry that happened to you. I do have a question though, how do you know your information about her cheating was truthful?

[Seymore]

It's in the past, and the relationship is over. If you want NC, just use that knowledge to help you let go of such a nasty person. Otherwise you'll be using that knowledge to break NC.

[HNR]

Sounds like both of your dreams were shattered, I know that sucks and I'm sorry that happened to you. I do have a question though, how do you know your information about her cheating was truthful?

 

I agree. And I'd also question what purpose it serves you being given this information now. May I ask, who told you?

[gr8tfriend]

The information came from the ex himself. We aren't friends or anything, I just shot him an email one day and he replied. I hold no grudges towards him, he didnt and still doesn't know the details of my relationship with her.

[lostandhurt]

I think you are right to feel this way but you shouldn't let it take control of your emotions. Nothing has changed unless you thought you would one day get back together. If it is over and you want to heal from this then sending some email will not help you. Revenge is no way to heal. Believe me I know. I have been tempted many times and it would be so easy but I am not that person and you aren't either. Take the high road on this. Deal with the betrayal and know you made the right choice to end it.

 

lost

[waveseer]

The information came from the ex himself. We aren't friends or anything, I just shot him an email one day and he replied. I hold no grudges towards him, he didnt and still doesn't know the details of my relationship with her.

 

My ex would lie to any man who asked about our relationship, how do you know her's wouldn't?

[DN]

I think you should use this information to add even more validity to your decision to break-up - and by so doing turn a negative into a positive.

[gr8tfriend]

My ex would lie to any man who asked about our relationship, how do you know her's wouldn't?

 

It's kind of a complicated story, but I am 100% sure about this issue. It's been on on-going thing since we first met. My intuition was correct all those months ago.

[gr8tfriend]

I think you should use this information to add even more validity to your decision to break-up - and by so doing turn a negative into a positive.

 

I am trying to do that now, it's all very fresh in my mind and it's difficult. At least with the breakup I had a plan.

[gr8tfriend]

I think you are right to feel this way but you shouldn't let it take control of your emotions. Nothing has changed unless you thought you would one day get back together. If it is over and you want to heal from this then sending some email will not help you. Revenge is no way to heal. Believe me I know. I have been tempted many times and it would be so easy but I am not that person and you aren't either. Take the high road on this. Deal with the betrayal and know you made the right choice to end it.

 

lost

 

Of course having been the breaker upper, I have second guessed myself much over the past week. I fantasize about getting back together probably just as much as the person being broken up with.

You're right, revenge is no way to heal and knowing my personality, I would feel worse afterward. My bit of obsession that I'm trying to overcome is to let her know that I know about it. I'm trying to get over that.

[Seymore]

Of course having been the breaker upper, I have second guessed myself much over the past week. I fantasize about getting back together probably just as much as the person being broken up with.

 

If you have different visions for the future and have conversations/arguments that are emotionally draining, would you really want to go back to that?

[gr8tfriend]

If you have different visions for the future and have conversations/arguments that are emotionally draining, would you really want to go back to that?

 

No, I wouldn't. But as the reason we're all here, it's sometimes easier in theory than it is in application to break your heart from another.

[dur-LiveIt]

Hi,

 

First, I am sorry you are feeling so bad, betrayal from one you loved and trusted is truly the deepest cut of all.

 

I have a question. You said that her ex did not know the details of your relationship with her. Did you mean he did not know you two were having an intimate relationship? If so, that suggests she was also lying and misleading him as well. Very confusing, disrespectful, and unfair for both of you.

 

About passing the guilt. It isn't like a game ball, it can only be felt by each individual for what ever reasons may inspire it. Sometimes it's an indication that we have crossed one of our own moral boundries, sometimes it is a reaction to the feelings someone else is putting into our realm. She can't make you feel guilty, only you can. I think you can honestly feel sorry for breaking up with her and that the relationship did not work out as you both may have hoped, but, unless you did something really below the belt, guilt on your part is probably misplaced in this instance.

 

Wanting her to know you know is understandable. You feel duped and don't want her to think she got away with playing you for a fool. Maybe look at it as that she is really the fool here, she seems to have had no compunction in wreaking havoc with what good you two had together. It is her sad thing to live with and deal with if she chooses.

 

I agree with all here, let this go and take the high road. You will be happy later that you did.

 

I hope you can move on and find happiness in the New Year.

[gr8tfriend]

yes, it is partially true. The ex did not know the full details of my relationship with her, he only suspected she was dating someone. thereforee, she hadn't told him the details and was deceiving him as well.

 

As far as guilt, she had laid it on pretty thick the past few weeks about me not giving it full effort. I was pulling back obviously. The guilt I carry is having broken up with her two days before Xmas. We knew the breakup was coming and I asked her if we could just get through the holidays together in an amicable way, with no heavy emotions, just keeping it light, etc. She couldn't, it was going to be a heavy situation no matter what. I told her I couldn't do it, the anxiety of being together surpassed the anxiety of being apart. So I do have some guilt there, she was alone for the holidays and didn't have much family sans a mother.

[dur-LiveIt]

Irony abounds here. She was trying to make you feel guilty for not giving enough full on, all the while she was still remaining inappropriately involved with an ex, who may not have considered himself completely out of the picture himself. Who was the one not really in this thing full on? Perhaps she is the queen of projection.

 

As far as breaking up before the holidays, exactly when is a good time to break up with someone? Don't beat yourself up too much for that. It happens, and yes, this kind of thing happening now is tougher, but, sometimes unavoidable. At least you acted in an honest way (which from the sounds of it, you had not been getting from her).

 

Give yourself a free pass on the guilt trip for a week or so. I would be mad at the moment.

[gr8tfriend]

Irony abounds here. She was trying to make you feel guilty for not giving enough full on, all the while she was still remaining inappropriately involved with an ex, who may not have considered himself completely out of the picture himself. Who was the one not really in this thing full on? Perhaps she is the queen of projection.

 

As far as breaking up before the holidays, exactly when is a good time to break up with someone? Don't beat yourself up too much for that. It happens, and yes, this kind of thing happening now is tougher, but, sometimes unavoidable. At least you acted in an honest way (which from the sounds of it, you had not been getting from her).

 

Give yourself a free pass on the guilt trip for a week or so. I would be mad at the moment.

 

Thanks, that helps. Someone else had mentioned to me about projection, but I'm not sure I fully grasp the concept.

I have tried to act in the most honest and truthful way our entire relationship, including the breakup and telling her it was ripping me apart as well.

As far as mad is concerned, that's another subject. I'm not sure why I'm unable to hold onto my anger for very long. I internalize the issues and always take the 'higher road'. Sometimes that higher road can be quite frustrating.

[savignon]

I had prepped and prepared to heal from the relationship after breaking up with her based on the information at hand, I had formed the mental fortitude to block out the guilt she was laying on me, I had rationalized that the breakup was best for the both of us, etc.,

Now I find out she cheated on me and it's thrown my gameplan for a loop

If breaking up was the best for both of you and you were prepared to heal, she didn't 'throw your game plan' at all....she verified that it was the best for both of you and that you should go on and heal. You should thank her (ha ha...just kidding)

[gr8tfriend]

I had prepped and prepared to heal from the relationship after breaking up with her based on the information at hand, I had formed the mental fortitude to block out the guilt she was laying on me, I had rationalized that the breakup was best for the both of us, etc.,

Now I find out she cheated on me and it's thrown my gameplan for a loop

If breaking up was the best for both of you and you were prepared to heal, she didn't 'throw your game plan' at all....she verified that it was the best for both of you and that you should go on and heal. You should thank her (ha ha...just kidding)

 

Point taken. I am finding that breaking up with this woman has been harder than any experience I've had of being broken up with someone.

[dur-LiveIt]

Well, the high road can be frustrating in that it doesn't always give you permission to be a down and out pissed off schmuck, and maybe that is what you need and have earned the right to be. You are in the throes of loss right now, and with that comes phases and stages of feelings. I don't remember the classic order, but, there is something about denial, anger, bargaining and acceptance. I am missing one. Maybe you will just bounce around between them all for awhile, who knows?

 

About the projection thing. I am no expert, but, I think sometimes people throw stuff at us because it is themselves who are experiencing it, or perhaps participating in it. By accusing you of not being completely in the relationship she was projecting what she was actually living herself. She was transferring her own actions onto you and trying to blame shift to allieve herself of her own actions and responsibilities.

 

I don't know why this woman has triggered so much guilt and pain in you in this breakup, only you can consider that.

 

I hope you find some calm in the New Year. It sounds like it has been a hectic year for you.

 

Peace in 2009.

[Seymore]

No, I wouldn't. But as the reason we're all here, it's sometimes easier in theory than it is in application to break your heart from another.

 

I know, it sucks. I'm in the same boat right now. I'm just passing on what I tell myself to help me move along.

[dur-LiveIt]

I agree, application and theory are quite tricky when one's heart and emotions are involved. It is always easier to see more clearly when you are not the one in the mix.

 

Perhaps that is why forums such as this help people, it is one big anonymous group therapy session. Strangers can sometimes tell us things close ones or ourselves are afraid to.

 

Most people here know why they had to go, had to leave, or perhaps may have even been "left behind". Ultimately, the relationships reached a point of no return. Now what is left is the residual feelings of confusion, guilt, remorse, pain, loss, regret (I could go on and on, as you know). The bottom line is that, it reached a point where it could not be worked out any longer, it wasn't healthy or good for either party.

 

Yes, the parting is painful, and the image and soundtrack of "breaking your heart from another" is heart wrenching, to say the least. But, for the best in the long run.

 

Allow yourself to feel the ripping pain, learn from the experience, learn more about yourself, why you went there in the first place. Only when you are truly free from it will you be able to understand yourself more and allow someone new, who may be more appropriate for the new and improved you, to enter the picture.

 

Why not hope for the best. Life is surely too short to fill with so much drama.

 

It's exhausting, to say the least.

[gr8tfriend]

I think I understand your description of projection. That was definitely the case.

Even after all that has happened, I still found myself checking my phone last night for a text and it was all I can do this morning to keep NC intact.

This morning has probably been the most difficult day so far and I'm having trouble focusing on all the bad.

Thanks for everyones support.

[gr8tfriend]

I can't figure out what's wrong with me, I'm losing sleep like crazy and can't concentrate. I even broke NC yesterday afternoon with a 'happy new your, I hope your well' text message. She replied in kind and then I ask her if she was doing okay. I never heard back. I guess I can still be stupid after 43 years.