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No physical or emotional intimacy


r1970

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I have been with my wife for 6 years now, married for two.

 

Here's our current situation. Our physical intimacy has been dwindling for years now. Sex was first to go, now it's to the point where she doesn't initiate any touching at all. Wasn’t too long ago ( 6 months? ) that she was very affectionate. She would come home from work and immediately go for a hug and a kiss. Now If I go to hug her, she'll lightly hug me back. We don't kiss, other than an occasional peck on the mouth.

 

She also rarely talks to me, and doesn't give me much eye contact either. So I know more about what’s going on in her life by reading her Facebook profile than from talking with her. We probably had sex last two months ago and before that it was once a month or every other month. I've tried to talk to her about this, but she will not talk to me about it. It leads to her getting very frustrated with me and often will give me the silent treatment for a day or two.

 

I don't know what to do. I want to have a healthy sex life and both physical and emotional intimacy. The biggest problem is that she won't discuss this with me. I've tried sitting down and telling her how I feel but she says nothing. I know she feels like I’m harping on her, and I feel completely frozen out. I'm at my wits end. If we could talk about what's going on, maybe I'd understand why we are having such a lack of physical affection. The most she's given me is that she'd like some space. If I ask her if she still loves me, she says yes, and I ask her if she wants us to remain in a relationship, she says yes.

 

I look back at some of my behavior and regret the way I’ve acted. When she used to be affectionate with me I would often pull away or cuddle in bed for a minute, then roll over to go to sleep. She was upset by this, and felt I was rejecting her. When we first started dating she would go to kiss me and I’d turn my head (almost without thinking about it) so that she’d kiss my cheek. She’d be hurt by this. Of course I look back now and kick myself. I think a lot of guys have issues with non-sexual intimacy. It’s taken me some years to get comfortable with it but I feel like I’m there now. I think she’s slowly grown away from me because she’s felt pushed away in the past. Where do we go from here? I can apologize, but she doesn’t want the discussion, period.

 

Although she is a very friendly in social settings and has lots of friends, she is very private and doesn't like to talk about her feelings are disclose intimate details about her life. I've talked to a few close friends about our situation and one of them has strongly suggested couple counseling. I've starting looking around and I'm hoping I can get my wife to go to some sessions. Maybe she’ll open up in a situation like that.

 

I love her deeply and love the life we've built together, but right now I feel so lonely and rejected. Is she pushing me away because she feels she's made a mistake and wants me to make the first move toward divorce? Maybe she really is confused about how she feels and just wants me to step away for a period of time .She says she isn't depressed but I have a feeling that she is and it's affecting our relationship.

 

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

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r1970 --

 

Sounds like you know where the original distance came from - YOU.

 

Your wife is a friendly, social and outgoing person with friends. This may have been her only outlet when you were turning away from her. Sounds like a natural reaction that she got possibly even closer to her friends.

 

I'm sure you're wondering what you can do.

 

A few options:

 

(I could never picture myself saying this anyone but, in your situation...) you may want to suggest that now that she seems beyond reconnecting with you intimately, the two of you might want to consider an open marriage?

 

Sit down with her and tell her that you accept full responsibility for being distant with her in the past and causing an emotional disconnection between the two of you and now that your situation seems beyond repair, a divorce may be your best option so that BOTH OF YOU can move on to much happier, healthier relationships?

 

It sounds as if she has gone into a stagnant comfort zone and became so used to the distance between you that she has, like Victoria66 suggested, slipped into a depression.

 

One of you has to bring about change. Sounds like you want to do that.

 

If she doesn't like the sound of the above options, she must go to MC to bring about a reconnection between you two if that's possible at this point.

 

If she doesn't want to do anything besides stay in her distant depression, accept the distance you brought into your relationship and start taking steps to change your life for the better and part ways.

 

At least next time around, you'll know what your past mistakes were and won't make them again, right?

 

Even if it was your fault in the beginning, everybody makes mistakes and your wife can not expect you to stay in a physically and emotionally distant marriage for the rest of your life.

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Thanks for your replys. Yes, I wish I had not taken her for granted in the beginning of our relationship. Overall, I'm a pretty good husband, and at the worst, a normal person. I've made mistakes (I've never met anyone who hasn't had their share of misteps in a marriage or relationship), but I don't have a problem apologizing and am willing to talk and listen.

I'm hoping to get us into a counseling session in the next couple of weeks. Right now, I can't sit down and talk with her, she get angry and walks away. I think the only thing I can do right now is give her distance.

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