Question for ladies - ex boyfriend talk.

[NewPhillyGuy]

Ladies, I'm going to describe for you a situation I was in a few months ago that I am currently reflecting on. I'm looking for your interpretation of what might have been going on with this girl. We are broken up now, so this is not a problem I am trying to solve with her. I am reflecting in case I ever encounter this situation again.

 

I was seeing this girl for a month. We were driving in my car, and she randomly starts talking about how she treated her ex boyfriend badly. She commented that she often acted like she didn't care about him or his feelings, acted aloof around him. She also stated that she was recently talking to him about things she could have done better in the relationship.

 

I once had the experience of a girl going back and forth between me and an ex, so now I become immediately concerned when a girl talks about her ex too much. I conclude that she's not over him, and that I might be a rebound. When I heard the above that night, I thought there was a strong possibility that I was a rebound. Also, I couldn't help wondering why she was telling me such negative things about herself. I think - why would a person tell a potential new partner that she treated the previous one badly? Through some reading, I learned this is perhaps an early warning sign of what she would do to me.

 

Because of my past experience and concern, I did some snooping a few months ago in response to this. Like I said, I thought maybe she was considering reconciling with him, but it was strange because she was all into spending a great deal of time with me. By snooping, I mean that I checked her cell phone for traces of conversation with her ex. I found that his number was still stored in her phone, and I also saw that she had saved some old text messages from him praising how beautiful she was, how much he loved her, etc. These messages were several months old though. I did not see any evidence that they recently conversed. At the time, I thought this evidence was substantial.

 

The question I want to ask to the girls is - have any of you talked about an ex like this before to a new romantic partner, and if so, what was the point? If you have not, how would you interpret this?

[waveseer]

I have and the point was to continue healing, I wouldn't do that now except to say what I learned in a way non-specific to which ex. Talking about exes in specific ways is too risky. I also found it disrespectful. Today I would make sure I am fully over all exes before I started a new relationship and if the other person wasn't over all of their exes I would prefer not to be with them.

[savignon]

I've always talked about my ex's with new partners. Not gory detail stuff, but a lot can be learned from past relationships and so I like to share and hear about appropriate past experiences.

If you're not trying to reconcile, though, it's kind of a waste of energy to wonder what she was thinking, as only she can tell you and you don't plan on seeing her again. Focus instead on being more confident that if a girl is into you, she's into you. Don't blame a new girl (by going through her phone, etc.) for something someone else did to you. Not fair to her and breeds further insecurity for you. No good.

Best wishes and Happy New Year!

[NewPhillyGuy]

I've always talked about my ex's with new partners. Not gory detail stuff, but a lot can be learned from past relationships and so I like to share and hear about appropriate past experiences.

If you're not trying to reconcile, though, it's kind of a waste of energy to wonder what she was thinking, as only she can tell you and you don't plan on seeing her again. Focus instead on being more confident that if a girl is into you, she's into you. Don't blame a new girl (by going through her phone, etc.) for something someone else did to you. Not fair to her and breeds further insecurity for you. No good.

Best wishes and Happy New Year!

 

I felt that it was not fair to me at that time, and I interpreted the conversation as a bit of a mixed message. On the one hand, she wanted to spend time with me, but on the other, she's telling me that she was not a good girlfriend and that the ex is clearly still on her mind. It did not signal to me that she was ready for a new relationship, although she would tell me she wanted one. At the risk of sounding harsh, I really don't care about a person's past experience with exes. I don't want to hear about it, unless there's something we as a couple can learn from the situation. How is it to my benefit that she treated an ex boyfriend badly? Know what I mean?

 

Hearing this made me want to run 10 miles. This conversation was one of the reasons why I dumped this girl, in fact. I did not want to be another one of her victims, if she was still capable of the behavior which she described.

 

Your point on me dwelling - The reason why I am making this thread is to consider other points of view, as I am seeing other people at this time. I want to have this thought out in my head if I encounter this again.

[savignon]

Just be careful about picking one conversation as the basis for breaking up with them or you might find yourself alone. She may just think differently than you. My fiancee had to make it *very* clear to me that he didn't want to hear about my past before I stopped talking about it. I thought it was completely harmless and was never trying to hurt him or make him jealous ...thank God he didn't dump me in the meantime! What I'm saying is...when you're looking to create intimacy, you have ask more questions. You can't assume. Next time say, "Uh oh, are you telling me you're a mean girlfriend?" Or "why are you telling me this? I feel like it's a warning". Otherwise you assume, think the worst, snoop around her stuff....you'll save time and energy just being upfront about it. It sounds like she was saying she was into you, wanted a relationship and you interpreted two or three sentences to mean the exact opposite.

[NewPhillyGuy]

I did have other reasons for dumping her, but still, your point is taken. Unfortunately, asking this girl questions was usually not fruitful. When I asked her about why she described herself as someone who does not treat people well, she simply denied she said that. I became frustrated, because I was unable to get the further detail that I needed to feel more comfortable with her. We did experience similar situations (meaning where she would say and/or do things I thought were a bit out of line) and on asking for further detail/explanation, the response was usually the same or that I was "too sensitive." I did not see her as a person who was capable of understanding a perspective outside of her own.

 

Next time around, I think the way I would respond to a similar situation is to distance myself from the person pretty quickly, and find someone who is seemingly ready for relationship.

[Maya_A]

I have and the point was to continue healing...

 

^^^^^^

 

Same for me... I told someone I was beginning to date that I could have been so much better to someone I dated a looong time ago (when I was very young), that I wasn't proud of it, why I thought I behaved that way, that I apologized to that person & made amends, etc...

 

The reason I did it was to share about my inner evolution, healing, & growth path.... That person I was speaking about also had moved from another city to the city we lived in so he had met him. It was relevant in that sense also...

 

If the one I was dating had ever asked more detail about any of it (which he did, a little) I'd be more than happy to share that, though, which seems unlike your situation....

[Batya33]

Like Maya, when I did as far as "gory details" it was because I showed poor judgment. But, I also think I talked too much in general about my ex with my husband when we were first dating because I was still in touch with him by instant message and e-mail (almost every day, yes my husband knew this), and the things we had done - meaning, the places we had gone/activities, anecdotes - remained fresh in my mind and came up in conversation.

 

It wasn't a smart thing for me to do and I learned to stop (and the ex and I stopped being in touch almost two years ago, until his wife contacted me this past August, but that's a different story). What I learned to do is if I wanted to refer to a place I'd been or something I'd done and it involved the ex, I found a way to tell the story without focusing on who else was there OR if it was so obvious I was with the ex I often just didn't share the story.

 

Honestly, when I did overshare maybe part of it was from insecurity - "see, someone else wanted me too!" kind of thing. I am not proud of that.

 

I never talked about the intimate part of my relationship with my ex (or wiht any ex) with my husband and never will. That would be so wrong, in my opinion.

[fauxolivia]

I was in the same position as you were in. My current beau, for the first few months of our relationship could not, if he wanted to, stop himself from talking (bitterly) about his ex, both her part in the dstruction of the relationship, and his. And for awhile, I was both concerned, and jealous.

 

After awhile, however, I recognized his need to talk about it was simply a healing process.

 

He had been left by girls again, and again. And to him, it seemed like a recurring problem. (I still don't understand why they would leave him--he's such a great guy. If a little misguided.) In a way, he was trying to communicate this fear of his to me, in terms of our relationship. So that I might understand why he acts the way he does. I don't doubt that he knows that it will affect any relationship in the future, and I also doubt that he would want to jeapordize them without a warning--"I'm like THIS, and I have THIS baggage. If it frustrates you, you may leave. But I'm hoping that you will love me inspite of it." SO. In a way, I think your ex DID have unfinished business, and somehow had a need to voice out prior problems in the relationship. I think she WAS invested into your relationship, she was just sfraid that the same actions that she was doing in the previous relationship (which she obviously treasured in the past) would jeopardize your relationship with her.

 

You can take it in both a positive or negative point. If, inspite of all these negative things, you still love him/her, you should be supportive, patient, and loving. They need a shoulder, an ear. As a gf/bf, you become their #1 person in their life (eventually) so who else but us to be supportive? Eventually with time, they will heal in the face of your love and compassion. And all these comments about a previous flame will fade as he/she becomes secure in the relationship.

 

However, if she/he NEVER gets over it, it's time to pack your bags.

 

Just my 2 cents.

[NewPhillyGuy]

The detail on this situation was that this was a guy that she recently broke up with - a "couple" months before she started dating me, and that relationship was 6 years long. When I heard all of that, I felt that she definitely wasn't ready for something, but she insisted that she was, so I decided to give it a try.

 

As for the way she talked about herself, I did take it much differently. I hear what you are all saying about being more sympathetic to her, and it really hurts me to think that I was not capable of doing so at that time. Perhaps I ruined what could have been a great relationship if I had communicated with her better. Myself, I am just used to being treated like crap by girlfriends, so when I heard her tell me how she treated her ex, I was really put off and wanted no parts of that. Again, I could have just broken up with her, but I saw alot that I liked in her, so I decided to give things ago. However, after that, I was not able to invest myself 100% in the relationship. I had so much anxiety going on within me, because I knew she was just out of this relationship and it was not years past. I figured not enough time had passed for her to change those behaviors.

 

The result was a very rocky relationship, because I just could not get myself to trust her completely. I do blame myself for that, but I do also blame her. I still don't think it's appropriate to talk so much about your ex. Although I understand the points made by previous posters, I still maintain that it's very strange to be telling a new partner such negative things about yourself. You would think you would want to impress the person, not say to them hey, I treated my ex like garbage. Not a motivation to want to keep you around! I don't know if you folks have read the article on here by Dr. Joe Carver about relationship Losers, as he call them. His theory is that people say negative things about themselves to warn you that they will treat you this way. In fact, as the relationship progressed, I saw some of that very bad behavior in her. She blames me and says it was because I was insecure and broke up with her so many times, but I don't think breaking up with someone justifies some of the things she's done.

 

But anyway, it was my mistake. If I was not feeling able to trust her, I should have just abandoned the relationship right off the bat. Instead, I tried to stick it out, but just couldn't do it. I don't blame myself for trying, but I have learned my lesson. I've had so many negative experiences with dating that I need to be around positive people, so that's what I will be looking for.

[Circe]

Yes, I have. To my current fiance - when we first started dating.. I spoke to him about things in my past relationship that I was ashamed of and many other negative things too. Of course we had known each other for years before dating so I trusted him enough to know that he wouldnt immediately cast a negative judgment on me.

 

The purpose was that I didn't want to emotionally invest in him unless I could feel confident that, after knowing about all the skeletons in my closet, he'd still be there. I was verrrry scared of emotional investments at the time. I wasn't going to make one unless I had a lot of reassurance that my man would not bolt at the first sign of negative aspects about me.

 

I also didn't want him to put me on a pedestal.

 

I wanted him to know who I was. The good and the bad.

[NewPhillyGuy]

I would be curious to know what kind of things you told him, if you don't mind sharing, for comparison. Like I said, mine had told me that she acted like she didn't care about her ex and his feelings. When I heard about that, all I could think was she'd do the same to me, so why not look for someone who doesn't act like that? Sadly, when we got into arguments and such, that same behavior came out. When we did try to talk about things, she did act like she didn't care and that my perspective wasn't valid.

 

I've been thinking about this some more this morning, and now, it really saddens me to think that I might have pushed away a great girl who just had a major self-esteem problem. She might have been looking for reassurance, but I was just not in a position to give it to her. Instead, I went into panic mode, because I've had too many people treat me in that way. I know I should not assume that people will behave as they did, but it was a hard assumption to avoid when I heard this girl say she did the same to the guy she just broke up with.

[tictactoe2006]

I am going to go ahead and dissent withthe majority opinion here. At the end of the day, we are all the sum total of our experiences on this spinning rock called Earth. Following s my experience with women who bring up their ex a lot/ talk to them/ talk about what they could have done better:

 

Begginning: I love you, I don't love him, he was a jerk, you are great, wonderful, etc.

 

Middle: Ex, etc, Ex Ex, etc, chit chat, Ex Ex Ex, Ex Ex Ex, chit chat more, Ex, Ex,

 

End: I have to *sniffle* tell you abuot *siff*.....something........*booooooohooooooo*.........then, a teary eyed confession of feelings for the ex, and then the grand finale, running off into the waiting arms of the ex screaming hootchieBANGBANG!!!!

[NewPhillyGuy]

I am going to go ahead and dissent withthe majority opinion here. At the end of the day, we are all the sum total of our experiences on this spinning rock called Earth. Following s my experience with women who bring up their ex a lot/ talk to them/ talk about what they could have done better:

 

Begginning: I love you, I don't love him, he was a jerk, you are great, wonderful, etc.

 

Middle: Ex, etc, Ex Ex, etc, chit chat, Ex Ex Ex, Ex Ex Ex, chit chat more, Ex, Ex,

 

End: I have to *sniffle* tell you abuot *siff*.....something........*booooooohooooooo*.........then, a teary eyed confession of feelings for the ex, and then the grand finale, running off into the waiting arms of the ex screaming hootchieBANGBANG!!!!

 

lol...

odd but well-put. I had the same fear you did, but the way I dealt with it was not healthy.

[tictactoe2006]

Thanks - hey, as long as you learned a little something from the episode, that's what matters. But, I still firmly believe that a girl who talks about an ex a lot, and is still in contact with him, will sone day be in front of you confessing something that happenned. Why put yourself through that?

 

Any way you look at it, a gf who brings up another guy in conversation often, is a fairly large red flag.

[NewPhillyGuy]

Thanks - hey, as long as you learned a little something from the episode, that's what matters. But, I still firmly believe that a girl who talks about an ex a lot, and is still in contact with him, will sone day be in front of you confessing something that happenned. Why put yourself through that?

 

Any way you look at it, a gf who brings up another guy in conversation often, is a fairly large red flag.

 

Well, I don't think bringing up "another guy" in conversation is necessarily a red flag. It could be a good friend, for example.

[tictactoe2006]

true - it depends on how often, and in what context

[servedcold]

I don't start the ex talk until they do, and usually not even then. Once I say any little thing about an ex, though she could have spent 20 hours over the past month talking about a whole menagerie of exes (I'm old), I inevitably get the "Are you sure you are over her?"

 

One good trick I've learned is that when they start asking you about past relationships, ALWAYS start with your first love interest, your very first "I was so in love with Toni in kindergarten... " They usually change the subject halfway through the college years, or if you are lucky, high school, so you never have to give any details on recent exes for them to build some fantastical suppositions or insecurities on. Smart ones will call you out on this if you aren't subtle enough, so use sparingly.

[slv3r]

probabbly afraid of commitment or bored.

i.e.:

i tell you i treated him poorly..you lower your expectations of me.. i feel secure that not much "good" is expected from me.

[Maya_A]

I've been thinking about this some more this morning, and now, it really saddens me to think that I might have pushed away a great girl who just had a major self-esteem problem. She might have been looking for reassurance, but I was just not in a position to give it to her. Instead, I went into panic mode, because I've had too many people treat me in that way. I know I should not assume that people will behave as they did, but it was a hard assumption to avoid when I heard this girl say she did the same to the guy she just broke up with.

 

^^^

 

Well, maybe this is what happened, as an alternate to what you were initially thinking....

 

If it is, you can use it as a valuable learning experience for the next time around...

 

Regarding what you'd mentioned prior about people "warning" that they will behave badly, this is most often when they say direct, blunt things pertaining to themselves, like "you don't want to get close to me I will only hurt you", or in response to a personality compliment, "I am not really a nice person" ... Things like this...

 

Anyway, is there no way to begin talking with this girl again (if you wanted)?

[NewPhillyGuy]

 

Anyway, is there no way to begin talking with this girl again (if you wanted)?

 

Not a chance from her side. She wants nothing to do with me now, and I accept my share of the blame for this. We argued way too much while we were together, and the anger destroyed what we had. I felt that I could not trust her because of her statements, and she felt uncomfortable with me because I could not accept her. She also did some pretty off the wall things to me when we argued, so I'm not quite sure about how stable she is, which contributed greatly to my concern. This is something she knows she needs to work on.

 

It's a strange situation, because I am the dumper, but I dumped her multiple times and tried to get back with her. She stopped wanting to come back after it happened several times. I can't blame her for that, but I do blame her for not seeing her role. People break up with you for a reason. If she were able to talk things out with me in a mature fashion, this wouldn't have happened, I believe.

 

But, I do miss her and the good times we had together, and for the moment, this is all I have with her. I will have to just take the memories and go on. I've had some ex girlfriends come back to me and try again. Maybe she will someday, and if she does, maybe I'll be able to look on things with the perspective that I had now.