writing it out

[pushforward]

I'm back from my short trip. Just visiting my pop's grave and seeing old friends. Remembering where I came from and where I am now. My quality of life has improved over all. It's not so bad right now, everything has gone up, I'm just dealing with a heartache. It hurts like hell, but I'll live and grow through this. Since I haven't posted in awhile, I just wanted to vent. I keep thinking about her. Not purposely, but when a girl kisses me or shows me interest, it doesn't feel right. I'm not comparing, but there isn't that "connecting" feeling. I'm not looking to date or sleep around. I'm just having a good time and dancing it off. I hate being like this sometimes, unable to just go out there and have a fling. I used to be able to do it, but I know it's meaningless and not what I really want.

 

I've finally figured something out about myself. I can't just sleep with somebody or give them my affection, unless I have an attraction to them. I can't aimlessly have unemotional sex. It doesn't feel right. It doesn't feel good, everything feels out of place and I don't want it. It annoys me, because I'm a guy with a huge sex drive, almost insatiable, so to speak. To find out that my little guy doesn't want to work because he's connected to my heart. I'm damaged goods now. Haha. =/

 

Back to the original purpose of this thread.

 

Another letter to her.

 

Dear ____,

 

I hope you had a safe flight to Korea. I hope your mom is doing well and that her little food place is doing awesome. I'm doing much better. I'm healing and it's not linear, but I'm making progress. It hurts, but it's no where as hard as it used to be.

 

I took a trip to my hometown to get my mind off you. I came accross an epiphany. I remember every reason why I left. It's a dead end. No opportunities, no chances to grow or broaden my horizons. Seeing people from my past and looking at their lives, trying to get answers for my own. I finally recognize that my quality of life has significantly gone up since I have moved and started to find myself. I used to be the saddest kid on the block, now I smile for no good reason.

 

I really miss you, that I do. I really have forgiven you for the infidelity and everything else. It doesn't bother me as much. It's nothing I did, but something with you. I simply am not what you're looking for in life and I accept that. As hard as it was to finally accept it, I did it.

 

I visited my Dad's grave and told him stories of my life. How it's up and down, about and around. I told him about you and what happened. I'm still unsure as to what really happened, but I didn't find the answers or closures I was looking for. I think I just finally accepted it. I'm moving forward from you. You're just like my old home town. No opportunities, dead end, no chances to grow as an individual. I'm simply too big for that town and too big for you. It's taken me lots of time and pain to get to this point.

 

You know that you're my first and I really did wait for somebody special. I'm glad to have met you and learned so many things about myself. No hard feelings against you. Everything is self inflicted and you did what you had to do to keep yourself happy. Although it's self destructive and hurts other people, it's what you like to do. I'm a tough guy, I will move away from you and find myself once again. Only to discover a better life and a stronger me.

 

I'm still sad over the whole thing, but I'm human. It lets me know that I really cared for you. I hope the new guy keeps you happy, I really hated when you couldn't deal with your emotions and would cut. It got really better when you would talk things out with me. I hope you talk things out with him and rely on him. I think the the problem with our relationship was more with communication on your end.

 

You never really opened up to me completely. I just wanted to let you know, you should open up to people. There are people who care and will take care of you. I hope you rely on the new guy and he's there for you. I'm not there as how I would like to be, but that's okay. I'm finally getting to the point where I can be happy without you.

 

I still think about you like crazy and I hear about little news of your life. I wanted to wish you a safe trip. I wanted to say congrats on your new place and compliment your art. Unfortunately, I'm still healing and it would hurt me. I have to cut you out completely, at least for now. I don't think we could ever be friends though. I'll keep you in my heart and wish you the best. You're no longer a part of my future. As much as I wanted you too, that want changed now.

 

I wonder if you hear about me or think about me. I sort of had a near death experience, the car I took for the trip caught fire! After escaping the flames, I realized... Life is too damn short. I should appreciate that I'm healthy and am alive. I'm doing surprisingly well in this economy. I'm taking 3 classes and figured out what direction I should take with my life. I'm also training to be a representative of my employer.

 

There are lots of things I wanted to tell you and share with you. I used to think that you were living the great life, but I've finally put perspective back into my own. And, I finally get that my life is amazing. That I wouldn't trade it for anything. I have a unique story and I am special in my way. It doesn't really matter about you anymore and your life. It's all about me. I like that I'm finally taking emotions of the equation.

 

I know who I am and what I'm able to offer. I'm finally starting to love myself.

 

It's getting late. I want to write more, but I need to sleep. Need to get busy living or get busy dying. Right? Right.

 

I just wanted to let you know. I love you _____. You have a special place in my heart. We will never be together again, but thank you. From the bottom of my heart. Thank you. All the lessons, the memories and feelings. This the first time experiencing true love, unrequited love and pain this deep. You really are my first. As much I hate to do this. This is goodbye.

 

With love,

 

-pf

[Hurting5050]

That was really beautiful.

[franfran]

I think it's normal to not want to have a fling with someone you hardly know. I can't do it myself....I've tried several times since my break up because I wanted images of my ex to be replaced with someone else, but I just couldn't do it. I think once you have sex with someone you love, having sex with someone you don't love is near impossible to enjoy. Or maybe we're both just weird, I don't know!

 

I'm glad you had a good time on your trip push. I liked when you said you're having a good time and dancing it off. Dance it off! I like that.