will an angry man change?

[sirena78]

My husband and I have two children, 18 mos and 3 yrs old. We have been married almost three years, and have always struggled in our relationship. He is a very controlling person, and sometimes has outbursts that go beyond just yelling. He has never hit me, but once threatened to when I threw away his weed. At that time, I (and the children) left him for several months and stayed with my mother. After I was certain he had quit, and after I believed that he would try to control his temper, we returned. We have been back for eight months now, and things have been fair, but it now seems to be getting bad again. It is difficult because there are so many factors. He has a big problem with my mom because she has always been unsure about him from the beginning. He always brings up the beginning of our relationship and how my mom didn't accept him. He brings up the separation and blames a lot of it on my mom. He has said to me that I don't stand up for him to my mom. But my approach has always been to just let things roll off my back and continue on. He is very confrontational with everyone, especially family. We both have very frustrating parents that have said disrespectful things about us. He was born and raised in Tunisia, and arab country. I have been there four times, and witnessed different dynamics between people. The men definitely have tempers without being physical. He has never hit anyone in his life, so I do not believe that he would ever be physically abusive, though I have felt afraid at times. Recently, when my mom came to visit, which he was not happy about, he blew up saying that if she wasn't going to be here for Christmas, then just take all the presents home. When mom and I tried to say no and I tried to call my counselor, he herded us into another room, slamming the door, he told her to shut-up another time. I think he was afraid that the counselor would call the police. There are so many factors in this...I know I am not perfect either. I feel I am going through life trying not to provoke him. He speaks about wanting peace, but doesn't practice it himself. He fires off these somewhat abusive emails to my mom and sometimes to other members of my family. I don't want a divorce, I want to do whatever i can to save this marriage. I am not sure if his behavior goes beyond just a bad temper. Is it something serious that I need to be concerned about? It is difficult to explain...if you read the words that he wrote in his emails, you would better understand. Any thoughts?

[brando]

You need to educate yourself on angry and verbally abusive men. Their is a lot of information out there on this subject.

[ErikT]

To answer your subject question: An angry man will not change overnight for no reason, and will never change unless he wants to change. (Even then, I believe that "people don't change" but that topic is for another thread!)

 

You need to think about what is best for your children. Physical, mental, and/or substance abuse do not need to be a a part of any child's life and it sounds like your husband is disposed to each of them.

 

It sounds like your mother is local, so I would suggest that you move yourself and the kids to her house until you husband gets the help HE needs. I would imagine that your counsulor has told you something similar. Drugs in the house? Call the cops. This is a no-brainer and may lead to the help that he needs.

 

If he hasn't already, your husband at some point will use his cultural differences as an excuse for his actions. Just a heads up. His cultural attitudes are not an excuse for any form of abuse. If he wanted the right to abuse his wife, he should have gotten married and stayed in a country where that was acceptable.

 

I understand and agree with the concept of staying marriried and working through whatever issues 2 people have. I don't believe that, typically, divorce is an option. However, you need to do the best thing for your children - not for you, not your husband, not your relationship - your children. A 3 yr old and a 18 month old both already know what is going on in your house. They feel the tension and anger.

 

DO what is right for your children.

 

Erik

[Crazyaboutdogs]

An angry man who resorts to verbal abuse and finding others to blame for his issues won't change unless he gets sick and tired of being angry, recognizes the problem is within him and gets the help he needs to deal with emotions in a more constructive fashion. In other words, it is highly unlikely. People like that don't typically change. If you choose to stay with him this is what your life will be like..and it will probably get worse. Herding you into a room is an intimidation tactic and as time goes on it will escalate...once herded into a room and trapped who knows what he would be capable of. Has he started throwing things yet..destroying stuff...that's the next step in the escalation....from there it progresses to physical violence against you, your mother or your children. Your children are growing up in an abusive environment...they will learn...they will learn from their mother that women are to be abused...they will learn from their father that it is okay for a man to abuse the woman. Many sons whose father was abusive become abusive themselves...many daughters who witness their mother as a victim of an abusive husband will end up choosing partners just like dad. I would suggest you read up on abusive relationships...intimidation, verbal abuse and emotional abuse are just as damaging as physical abuse.

[COtuner]

CAD is right. I had an abusive father (although my mom fought back and so did I), and it has affected my relationship and also how I react to aggressive people in general. My BF gets upset when I tell him his anger reminds me of my father, but it truly does, except my BF doesn't end the discussion with a backhand accross my teeth. But I subconsciously expect one.

 

Don't let your kids grow up with these memories - help him to get help.

[savignon]

You're in a dangerous situation and you cannot save your marriage on your own. If you can't make the decision for yourself to get out, do it for the emotional well-being and safety of your young, impressionable, innocent children. Imagine your son growing up to be an abuser like his father or you daughter growing up to be abused by a man, both with the excuse of their childhood (like your husband uses)

[zestygirl]

I want to do whatever i can to save this marriage.

 

The issue you present is that he is verbally abusive and disresectful in general to your family.

 

There is nothing YOU can do to change this behaviour in him, or to somehow change yourself so that this behaviour is eradicated.

 

All you can do is change your response.

 

How do you respond to his temper? Are you frightened? Are there consequences when he behaves this way? How much do you tolerate?

 

I am not suggesting that you're the problem, I am suggesting that the only thing within your control is yourself.

 

The only real solution is this (and it is a tough one) make it clear that you need to see change in his attitude in order for your marriage to be sustained, and that you will not tolerate his abusiveness any more. You must follow through. If he says something to your mom in front of you, what is stopping you from saying: "Don't talk to my mother that way, you frigging jerk"! And then LEAVING the house with your Mom??

 

He needs to make changes. You need to stop putting up with his BS, or he will think he can get away with it forever.

 

I'm betting there is more to your relationship than this problem, and that you love him when I say this. If you do NOT love him anymore, you need to be brave and do the right thing.

[slv3r]

no he won't change, people SELDOM change, and only if they have a reason to - what reason has he? you have my sympathy. best of luck but i think you will be doing it alone, don't count on him to change.

[veneratio]

People change. Not over night, not over the course of a few days or a few weeks. It takes time and you truly have to want it. You have to be able to admit that you need the change and it will be for the better. I just don't believe people wake up and realize they need to change, I believe the realization comes after "punishment".

 

I'll say this, though. I never changed when my girlfriend promised to stay with me as long as I changed. So what reason did I have to change? Did I really have time to reflect on my actions? All the things I did wrong? Not really. It was only after she left me that I changed.

 

I'm not suggesting you do that, just my 2 cents. Best of luck.