i have lost...

[wtm78]

i do not understand what i am going through.. but i am feeling a lot lately..

i feel terrible today.. my anxiety is running, my heartbeat is chasing.. my thoughts are running wild... i cant calm down... i cant sleep...

maybe its the holiday season, she had been in my mind lately... maybe i am a "cup is half empty" kind of person.. i notice what is not there.. my heart feels real empty..

i wish i could see her again.. i miss her dearly.. the current deep down is surfacing...

i feel so out of shape.. so flat out.. so out of control of my inside.. and this makes me vulnerable..

i loved her dearly.. and i still do.. i guess when a woman make up her mind, there is nothing that will change it...

i am not waiting.. at least i think i am not.. even if she does come back, i dont even know if i can allow her back in..

maybe this is call "crying over spilled milk"...

i dont know why i feel the way i do.. i just feel it.. i wish i know a way to release those feelings.. i wish i can undo the negativity within..

my vision has been darken.. fear, doubts, self doubts, uncertainities, loneliness and anxiety are clouding me... i think, i maybe falling into depression..

i dont even know what i want anymore.. i am directionless.. i am strengthless.. i am weaken.. i have fallen... i wish to pick myself up.. yet a part of me just want to lie down.. for a long time..

all of a sudden, time seems to stop again.. i wish i was more hopeful.. but hope has left me, and faith desert me..

i wish i had friends who will come crowd me with affection.. but another wishful thinking that is..

now that i am left with nothing.. bones and rag i have.. i just wish.. my emotions away also...

who am i? that i lost my identity.. i lost a companion.. i lost a friend.. i lost someone dear.. i lost part of me.. i lost my love.. i lost my soul mate.. i lost me.. i lost myself... i have lost my life.. my dreams.. my everything...

what have i left? what have i lost? where am i going? what am i doing?

if there is a god still.. wont you have mercy on me?

if life is a game.. i have lost...

[Poppies]

I hear you WTM and I know what you are going through. REminds me very much of how I've felt in the past. It's not easy but it will become easier with time. These feelings you have are very much concerned with loss, grief, abandonment, rejection..... all coming together in one big bang.

The feelings, I've found, are a bit like waves on a beach - someitmes they are pretty big and come crashing one after the other and can be quite overhwhelming. Then the skies become clearer and the waves lessen and sometimes disappear. Maybe this is a particularly bad time for you - christmas, new year celebrations and all that. It can make you feel more sensitive to your situation.

i don't know the time frame invovled in your situation, but if it's been a very long time or if feelings are turning to depression then it may be helpful to you to seek therapy. You need support in times like these and a good therapist will be there to hold your hand and guide you through your emotions ie. give you the support you need.

 

I know, i've been through it too, learnt a lot about myself, other people and life......... but am still not out the other side.

 

Poppies

[Umlunguusa]

I know how you are feeling...I've been dealing with this on and off for a few months now...well, it's a feeling of longing you have (I'll guess), but longing for the way things use to be...I know that's what I felt.

 

Well, just take your mind off her whenever you start to think of her (no matter how hard that may be, unfortunately) and you'll soon get over it, no matter how unlikely that sounds. I never thought I'd get over my SO, but...I think I'm winning the battle against my schizophrenic feelings towards her. lol

 

Yes, and I've been that depressed, too. I wish there was something I could do to let you know everything will be alright, but...I suppose there isn't anything anyone can do but yourself.

 

Just know, there will be brighter days ahead!

[mellybelly]

Sending you love wtm!!!

 

I'm so sorry your feelings of hope have been overshadowed with these dark feelings in these moments...you will make it through though. You provide so much hope and encouragement for others here, and if only you can shine some of that on yourself right now! I too know what it is to feel like you have lost everything, even yourself along with it all, but hold on, all is not lost. It's been a constant battle for me since losing my soulmate, but hope and faith (sometimes just an ounce was all I had left in those), and love for others when i couldn't really love myself have pulled me through.

 

HUGS wtm!!!