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#1 complaint my exes have had about me.


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One complaint which all of my exes have had in common about me was that I was too sensitive, and I got upset or started arguments with them over things that were not a big deal. Having heard this from multiple people certainly made me think - ok, now it's the time to look at this. They are right.

 

I am a very sensitive person, but I'm not really sure about how to change that. I've told myself I'm going to work on this, but I've never really been able to change this about me. People will say or do things that I don't like, and it will just hit me. The emotion comes, and I can't seem to control that. I typically become anxious and sad when these things happen. I don't get angry. If I try to talk to the person about it, and they don't seem to care, then I will get angry. When I get angry, I don't yell or anything. I just feel the anger, and it's reflected in my tone of voice.

 

My therapist seems to think that my anxiety is just a defense mechanism coming to my rescue which is pushing me away from people who are bad news. The emotions are I feel though are just so overwhelming and quite scary sometimes. For example, if I am dating a girl and she talks too much about an ex, this is the type of thing that will make me feel horrible, and I've had situations where I've lost nights of sleep just fearing that I would get hurt . I think this happens to me, because I dated a girl once who played games with me and her ex at the same time.

 

I've been thinking tonight about some of the things that people have done that really bothered me. These are all things I've posted about at some point on here. These were not all the same girl, but various girls I've dated in the past few years

 

- Dating me but too much talking about an ex

- Dating me but making random comments about wearing jewelery given to her by an ex

- Dating me but tells me a story about how she was proud of herself for getting free drinks from married men in a bar

- Picking up a cell phone while we were on date

- Not showing up on time for dates and not calling in advance to let me know

- Brushing me off if I tried to be affectionate - cuddle up in bed, etc

- One time, a long time ago, I got upset at a girlfriend because she was talking about joining the peace corps and traveling the world. It upset me because I was thinking we were going to get married and settle, etc. This was years ago, and looking back, I think it was really stupid of me to get upset about that. I think it was more so something she fantasized about, but would not really do.

 

Some of the above examples are legitimate concerns, but some of them are really stupid things. There are also other ridiculous things I have done over the years that I haven't mentioned out of some embarrassment.

 

I fear all of this greatly, because most of my exes have given me the same feedback. Some of them have said my oversensitivity certainly contributed to the demise of the relationship. What scares me the most is that I simply don't know how to stop myself from being so sensitive. I don't know how I even got this way in the first place! I sometimes see myself as a very weak and insecure individual, and I fear that women see me in the same way. I fear that I will never be able to control this, and perhaps I will lay to waste every relationship and every person I meet.

 

It kills me, because otherwise, I have alot going for me. I have a good job, I'm educated, intelligent, attractive, in good physical shape, friendly, come from a good family, etc. This is my major flaw, and I know that it's preventing me from having happy and healthy romantic relationships.

 

I wonder if anyone else has ever felt this way, and if so, how did you work on the sensitivity and insecurity?

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Do you feel as if having a special woman in your life somehow completes you?

 

I wouldn't say completes me, but it would make me very happy to have a great woman in my life. I think that I should feel complete being single. Right now, I do not feel complete, because I am not happy with myself and some of my behaviors, the above being one example.

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IT is very good that you are taking a look at what appear to be trends for you and looking to make changes.

 

Newphilly, what i suggest is that even tho these emotions take hold, you can make the conscious decision not to act on them. Practice counting to 100 if you have to before you speak, or when you feel you are about to react to a situation with too much sensitivity and emotion instead tell yourself you will walk away and work on another activity and revisit it later in the day.

 

Chances are if you withold your tongue from immediate response and tackle the issue causing the sensitivity later in the day you will no doubt feel a bit less sensitive about it.

During this time that you are walking away from acting on the emotion take time to really examine if this is one of those "real" issues or one that might be considered silly or at least not serious enough to say anything about.

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I wouldn't say completes me, but it would make me very happy to have a great woman in my life. I think that I should feel complete being single. Right now, I do not feel complete, because I am not happy with myself and some of my behaviors, the above being one example.

 

The reason I asked that question is because I can exhibit similar behaviors if I am not feeling like a whole person independently of the man.

 

I have to be very careful to maintain my sense of self, otherwise it's very difficult to allow the other person to be wherever they're at without reacting.

 

When I am feeling as if my life and/or my future depends on them I hear everything they say and perceive everything they do for how it does and would affect me and my life.

 

Basically, if I am doing things for myself and growing as a person then what they do, say, think, etc just isn't as important.

 

That doesn't mean it isn't important at all, it just makes it easier to look at things from their perspective and reach an understanding of them before I respond.

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Thank you both for your responses.

 

One other thing which I am dealing with, which might seem a bit strange, is that I sometimes feel like I have lost my sense of right and wrong. Let me explain what that means. Sometimes, if I react to something, I will question myself and say - should I really be bothered by this? There are times when I have been bothered by things that I should not have been. Likewise, there are times where I should have definitely been bothered by something, but I instead chose to "push down" my concerns. What happened was it was just stored in the back of my head and ate away at me little by little and made me miserable. I think this has happened, because I've dated some people who were a bit emotionally abusive in that they would do things to deliberately hurt my feelings, but when I brought it up, they would deny the event ever took place or would underplay the way I felt - saying I was childish, insecure, too sensitive, or they would just yell, leave the room, or do something else extreme to draw the attention away from the conversation I was trying to have.

 

So, what I am trying to say is that I am confused, because sometimes I don't even know how I should feel in a particular situation, or I could say sometimes I don't feel like I have the right to feel a certain way.

 

After writing this, I think I've confused myself even more, so I hope this makes sense to someone. Based upon what I know about abuse, I think I show typical signs of a victim of it, but I am so tired of being a victim and watching myself crumble. I want to be strong. I want to have the courage to speak my mind, be assertive, keep the good people around me, and the common sense to push away the toxic ones. I also don't want to be one of the toxic ones, and I feel like I am!

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I was once very insecure.

 

To work on my insecurity, I took myself out of my comfort zone. Long. Hard. And well. I said stupid things. I did stupid things. I said arrogant things. I did bold actions. And then I kind of adjusted myself to fit my own personality.

 

Then, it's a question of philosophy. For example, why make yourself work really hard over one task if taking half the time will let you feel comfortable while you're working at it? This will let you stress less and removing stress will help you release your fears. And fears are the cause of insecurity.

 

And if you want to do more physical activities, that's a plus. It's also another great way to free stress.

 

And about the sensibility... this is less something we can have the control over. I believe it's in our DNA. But working on your insecurity is already some work. I advice you to do one thing at a time.

 

Hope it helps

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Oversensitivity has - and in some ways still is - a problem for me as well. My major problems are with taking criticism.

 

However, I'm still trying to work on the problem as it stands and I've had some success. Sometimes you have to push yourself to accept things as they are without making too much of a fuss. It's difficult; you can feel like you're giving up a part of yourself by making concessions to others or by letting some of these things go.

 

Really, it comes down to making the change gradually and realizing where the problem lies before you commit to becoming more hardened to the world around you; and let me tell you, it will take some work on your part.

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I think your questioning what is right and wrong primarily because the women you have dated have probabaly been more on the side of wrong than perhaps right. I read about the last woman you dated, i dont remember the details but if i remember correctly it was a bit disjointed and dysfunctional.

 

I think these issues will subside if you can find a woman to date who treats you well. Try to focus on that for awhile...you will likely find that if you date a sincere woman who doesn't manipulate it will no longer be such a gray area what is cool and what isn't.

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I think these issues will subside if you can find a woman to date who treats you well. Try to focus on that for awhile...you will likely find that if you date a sincere woman who doesn't manipulate it will no longer be such a gray area what is cool and what isn't.

 

Thanks, JS.

 

I sometimes think that too, but one thing I don't want to do is fall into the trap of blaming only the people I have dated. I feel like if I do that, I will be ignoring a part of myself that could really use some work, and I might make these mistakes next time around, perhaps when I meet someone great. I do believe that I have dated some people who were off the wall, but I also recognize that I have made several mistakes in past relationships, and my desire to learn from these and correct them the next time around is very strong.

 

I just don't want to go through my life feeling like some emotional basketcase.

 

I am certainly not one to shy away from hard work. Nothing has ever come easy for me. I've had to kick my own butt to get everything I have, and I wish to approach this problem with the same dedication and intensity. We only live once, and I do not want to die sad and alone, which is how I am feeling at this moment.

 

Talking about this concern has been very helpful, and I am feeling a bit better about myself tonight. Thanks to everyone for conversing with me on the subject. I appreciate any further thoughts, advice, or words from personal experience.

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It makes sense to me. I have learned through a lot of patience with myself to identify my feelings and choose which ones to share and with whom to share them. All of my feelings are valid, they are my feelings so by their very existence they are valid.

 

It isn't wise, nor do I or anyone else have time for me to share all of my feelings. They are my barometer to tell me how I'm doing at the moment and bring me happiness, grief, or warning as necessary. My primary feelings, the first ones I have about a situtation are often the best indication of my true self. My secondary feelings, those I have after I've had a chance to think about things (and mind screw myself) are usually a result of some past behavior pattern that may no longer be adaptive.

 

So, I often write my feelings down or use the private journal function here. I sometimes phone a friend if I am really confused. Meditation, exercise, and bringing myself into the current moment all help me focus so I can understand what it is I am really feeling and what it means.

 

I have learned the hard way that responding or reacting before I have resolved my feelings is not a good idea. My feelings are my responsibility and it's nobody's job to make me feel better or differently.

 

My feelings often point towards a crossing or potential crossing of my boundaries. Once I know why I felt that way I can evaluate whether the boundary is really important to me or healthy.

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I don't mean to blame the women you date, quite the contrary since you also had a say in dating them...right?

 

It means to just discontinue dating a woman if it doesn't feel "right" to you.

Your gut probably still works to some extent, if you find yourself spending more time in the beginning days of dating wondering 'is what she is doing right' then chances are what she is doing isn't right for you.

 

I think a good barometer here is that when you are dating someone new and find that you do more questioning of her behavior as cool or not then the chances are it probably isn't .. a really sweet woman who likes you likely won't invoke all of these questions early on. All relationships will bring about some questioning but in those early days it should be more carefree .. remember a person is almost ALWAYS on their very best behavior the first few months of dating. You can take a person at the first few months and realize this is probably the best they are going to get (in the way of how they treat you), so if those first few months are spent quandering questionable behavior you can bet it won't improve much.

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Aside from the cell phone thing and the lateness thing, it seems that all of the examples you give of you "flipping out" about have an underlying message of suggesting she was ever with someone else or may not be with you in the future. You have to take yourself out of it and love her as a whole person, with her dreams, past, and interests that she has. And sometimes she is not in the mood when you are, etc. it can feel a little controlling when you flip out about things.

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Aside from the cell phone thing and the lateness thing, it seems that all of the examples you give of you "flipping out" about have an underlying message of suggesting she was ever with someone else or may not be with you in the future. You have to take yourself out of it and love her as a whole person, with her dreams, past, and interests that she has. And sometimes she is not in the mood when you are, etc. it can feel a little controlling when you flip out about things.

 

It wasn't the idea of her being with someone else in the past that bothered me. I'm not worried about the past. What bothered me about those examples was that maybe they were trying to be with someone else while being with me - an ex, some guy at a bar, etc.

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