Met the woman of my dreams but I screwed up

[Fencer]

It's a long post but please bear with me. I'd like the feedback.

 

Well, first thing is this woman T*** was not my girlfriend. She was a friend of some friends of mine, M*** and L****. I met her at their Christmas party last December. I was quite impressed when she walked in. She's tiny, about 5'1", Italian with olive complexion, black hair, brown eyes, 32, single, never been married. Just gorgeous. And a nurse. (I have a bit of a weakness for nurses. I just seem to attract them). Actually the kind of woman I’d been dreaming of. She's the flirty type too, and seemed to take a little more shine to me. Maybe because I was the only other single person there; everyone else was either married or engaged. When the shots started flowing, which T*** and another woman were administering through a turkey injector (minus the needle, thank God!) she climbed on my lap to give me mine when it was my turn - I was the only one who got that little treat. But really other than that I just smiled at her when I saw her and we talked off and on during the rest of the night. I thought she was WAY out of my league and that things weren't going to go anywhere, so I just flirted. There were other things happening - it was a WILD party - but not important to the story.

 

Anyway, I saw her again near the end of January when I ran into my friends at a local club to see an 80s cover band. She came later, so it was the four of us hanging out. At one point my friend told me to check T*** out when she took off her coat – she had on a thin not quite halter top and no bra, but I told him No, it’s just an exercise in frustration for me. I really didn’t think she would want to be with me. (I was about 30 lbs heavier and not real confident at that time.) Then my friend had a bit too much to drink and insisted he and his girlfriend go home, so they left at midnight. It was just T*** and I by ourselves. It was a little awkward at first, since we barely knew each other, but as things went on we got more comfortable with each other. We were singing the songs we knew to each other, and did a bit of dirty dancing too. A couple of times seemed like the right moment to try and kiss her, but I held back. I guess in retrospect maybe I should have.

 

The band finished a bit after one, and she wasn't ready to go home yet, so I walked her down the block to another little bar, and we sat in there and talked until the place closed at 2. She told me about her family, her childhood, I did the same. Things you talk about if you actually want the other person to know you. So after close, I walked with her the few blocks to her place down another street and we went in. Her place was a little bare, so I asked why she seemed to not have a whole lot of stuff. She told me basically that she was starting over from a long relationship. She had been living with this guy, and they had a house together and everything. (I later found out they had actually been engaged and together for 4 years.) Then something happened (she didn't go into what exactly; I assumed infidelity) and she moved out and left most of her stuff and him at the old house. Her exact words were, “I guess I’m starting over.” To me the only thing I heard was REBOUND. She had kind of dropped the hint earlier that she was alone in her place with just her cats. Again, a seeming opportunity I didn't take? I really liked her, but I was also really afraid. I didn’t want to be her rebound and I still thought she was too good for me. I had been on the bad end of a rebound before, so I was not anxious to do that again. Well, the moment passed and she apologized for keeping me. She wanted to drive me to my car, but she had had a little too much to drink, so I told her no. We hugged at the door. I didn’t ask her for her phone number or anything, but she thanked me for seeing her home safely. She said, “So I’ll see you around?” I said “Sure” or something like that and I left. That was the last I saw of her until April.

 

I ran into her at the local mall while I was shopping with my sister and one of my female cousins.

My sister had gone looking for a bathroom, and my cousin and I walked out of a store to look through the food court, and we ran into T***. She had a strange look on her face like she was shocked to see me. I went to hug her and she flinched and kind of pulled back. I just kept talking, asked how things were going, and she mentioned that she had moved from the little place by the club to a place in the next parish. The rest of the conversation was basically how she was staying in that weekend because of work on Sunday. She never really smiled during the whole conversation. I asked her for her number so we could go do something sometime, and I took out my phone. She said “Well M*** usually handles those things. Call him.” And she gave a fake smile and a little wave and left. I watched her walk off, not sure what to do. I had a mind to follow her but then those negative thoughts of mine held me back.

 

I saw her again a few weekends later with M*** and L**** at the same club we were at in January. There was another couple and another single girl with their group. (I don't remember their names). T*** actually hugged me this time, and she talked to me for a bit about a conversation they had had earlier about who was the shortest girl there. (It was her). Then I mostly talked to M*** and the other guy. After a while our group went down to the stage area to get closer to the band and just chilled. The band started playing shortly after that and the girls started dancing. I moved up to get a little closer to them, and M*** and the other guy hung back. T*** kind of kept her distance from me most of the night. I was a bit confused. Then some young guys started hitting on her. At first she kind of blew them off politely but she ended up talking to one tall skinny kid (and he was a kid, 22 years old). I found myself getting jealous and angry, but I kept it to myself; there wasn't anything I really had a right to do. Eventually the two of them disappeared together. I have no idea what happened. I can guess but I try not to. All I know is I was EXTREMELY upset. Angry, jealous, and frustrated all at once. With no real reason to be, since she wasn’t my girlfriend or anything. I guess I found out that I really was attracted to her no matter how hard I tried to ignore it.

 

Well, I left before the others found her, and I was swearing to myself the whole time. For the next 2 days I was upset and angry, then I got really depressed. I didn’t really eat much for about a week and noticed a rather quick weight loss, so when I kind of got my appetite back I started eating less and walking the trail along a lake in town. I didn’t try to contact T*** or my friends. They got in touch with me in June for a party at their place – it was L**** birthday. T*** was supposed to be there, but she didn’t show – she’d had to work that day and was too tired (this is what my friends said.) I wanted to ask them for her number but there ended up being some major drama with another couple at the party, so when I left the next morning (I slept on the couch) I left a note asking them to either give T*** my number or get me hers. Well I never got a reply and I was kind of afraid to ask, so I let it drop. I continued my walking and diet and managed to drop about 25 lbs by August. I’d also gotten a copy of Magic of Making Up to see if it could help. I was already doing some of the stuff (losing weight etc) but the idea of going out and trying to meet other women didn’t occur to me until then. I did and met a few nice girls, but I still found myself thinking about T*** an awful lot.

 

But then in the middle of August I saw her again. A guy I worked with was having his band play at another club. I was there with some friends on the bar’s patio when I saw someone walk past. I thought, “That can’t be her.” But I went inside and it was T***. Turns out she knew the guys in the band back from when they all lived on the same street years ago. I was a bit overwhelmed emotionally. But I went up to her and said, “Hey can we talk?” I ushered her out onto the bar’s rear patio and told her I was sorry about what happened earlier in the year. She said she had actually had a boyfriend the whole time - it was a LDR with a guy in Alabama. It didn’t really explain how she acted with me but ZI let it pass and said I had feelings for her. She said, “Thanks for being honest, we’re cool now, so let’s go in and hang out.” We went in and watched the band and hung out. She invited me to the afterparty the band was throwing – which turned out to be at the apartment of one of her ex-boyfrioends who still lived on that old street. I followed her in my car to the party. I made a point of trying to stick close to her since I didn’t know anyone, but trying not to crowd her too much either. Not sure if I struck the right balance there. But I learned a lot more about her recent past there. That’s when I found out her relationship had been for 4 years and they were engaged. She also confessed to having an affair with her boss for about 2-3 months after her engagement ended. That ended when the boss’s wife came up pregnant for him. So she confessed quite a lot, and it was a lot to take in. Anyway, we were there until 6:00 in the morning – the sun was coming up. I walked her to her car which was one car over from mine, and she gave me this tight full body hug and held it for a long time. I didn’t hug her quite so hard but I held on to her and just breathed in the smell of her hair. She pulled back a bit still holding on to me and I kissed her on the cheek. She said, “It was good seeing you again. I’ll see you around.” And then she got in her car, I got in mine and we left. Only much later at home did I realize I’d forgotten to ask her for her number! WellI dithered about for a couple days not sure what to do, then I realized she told me where she worked, so I took a shot and left a message for her at work. She called back about 15-20 minutes later and I told her I had forgotten to ask after the party. “You realize I’m seeing someone,” she said. “I said, "Yeah sure I just want to keep in touch and maybe get drinks after work.” “Well, as long as there’s an understanding,” she said, and gives me her number. I was on cloud nine that day and night.

 

I ended up calling her a few days later and we talked for about 30 minutes. She said she hadn’t been feeling well that week and I said “Well I was going to invite you for drinks tomorrow but it sounds like you should rest.” She said yes she should. I brought up Friday. She said they were doing some sort of review at work, but if she finished by noon we could get lunch and if not we could go somewhere after work. That worked for me because I was on vacation. So I told her to call me and let me know. Well, Friday rolls around it’s 11:00am and I don’t hear from her, so I call. She’s at the doctor’s; whatever she had got worse and she was told to be on standby because the hurricane that was going to hit us was projected to arrive on Monday. I kind of made a half joking attempt to get her to see me but she said she should rest and said, "It’s just bad timing.” I reluctantly agreed and told her to take care.

 

After that the only contact I had with T*** were short texts shortly after the storm to see if she was okay. She replied that she was and told me to take care. I left a couple of messages for her later in September but I figured she would be very busy with storm recovery so I didn’t expect a reply. Then I texted her on her birthday (Oct 6). She texted back “Thanks!” Then shortly after “How did u know?” I replied, “You told me. Memory going already? : )” A little age joke since she was turning 33. She didn’t reply so I went on to the work function I was heading to. I tried her a few weeks later and she said she had been working a lot lately and was really tired. There was silence and I made a joke that she must be tired since she was usually so talkative. She laughed "I am" and I said I’d try another time, she said okay. I called the next night but only got her answering service and I couldn’t really talk anyway as I had other plans.

 

The last times I spoke to her were in November. I called her to invite her to see a band at the club we’d been to in January. She said she was having friends over but she thanked me. Then I called her the Tuesday before Thanksgiving and left a message, seeing if she wanted to have the lunch we never got to have in August. She returned my call Wednesday morning and said she was seeing someone. I said yes the guy in Alabama. She said no it’s someone local now and it wouldn’t be a good idea to be seen with another guy. Figuring I had nothing to lose I asked her flat out if she’d ever had feelings for me. She mentioned the qualities I had - she said she thought I was a good guy with good morals, good character, and she trusted me. I was thinking, “Boy sounds like I’d make a good boyfriend, or maybe husband later on,” but I didn’t say it. At some point I told her I didn’t pursue her because I thought she was rebounding and she said something to the effect of who’s to say what a rebound is anyway. She pointed out that she had been in the LDR for a year, I said that didn’t really matter. We said a few more things, mostly smalltalk just to keep her talking for a few more minutes. She ended with, “We’ll see each other around I’m sure,” seeming like she’d want to be friends. I said something like “Yeah I guess” and then we said our goodbyes. I wasn’t as depressed as I thought I would be but I did have a little crying spell driving to my parents house on Thanksgiving. Burt being with family seemed to take my mind off it and I even had a woman approach me when I went out in my hometown on Saturday. Let's just say I took full advantage of that opportunity.

 

Well I figured I would do the whole NC thing I had read about on here and have been. But I ran into T*** at another bar with her new bf and another couple. I was with some friends from work and T*** and her friends walked in. I saw her and she and the other woman walked to the bathroom accross the dance floor. As they passed I heard her say, “That’s the guy…” but that’s all I heard. The bf came off as kind of a meathead to me, maybe a nice guy but didn’t seem all that bright. I was actually not intimidated by him, more like "Really? This guy?" I was surprised when I saw them, and my group was rather close to theirs. I figured since she had ended contact with me it was up to her to initiate any contact. But she didn’t say hi, she didn’t even acknowledge my presense. I wasn’t expecting to hang out with her, but I figured we could at least be cordial to each other. No go. So I’m afraid I stooped to a bit of childishness myself. I got a hot blonde female friend of mine – just as hot as T*** and about 10 years younger – to come and dance with me. We walked right past where T*** was talking to some guys and my friend proceeded to dance really sexily, grinding on me and everything. We danced that way for a bit, then we walked past T*** to the other part of the bar, and I had my arm around Hot Blonde’s waist and I didn’t even look at T***. I brought Hot Blonde back to her boyfriend (I’d asked him if it was cool) and went back to look for my friends. Well T*** and the other couple were gone and the bf was there by himself, looking a bit at loose ends. I know it was childish but I felt good for the rest of the night. But really. We’re both adults. She’s 33 years old, I’m 39 and she’s going to act like that? But even after all of that she still has a lot of qualities I’d love to have and I wasn’t kidding earlier when I said she was the kind of woman I’d been dreaming of. My friends are saying to let it go and my head knows they’re probably right but there’s still a part of me that hopes things could work out somehow.

 

BTW, I had actually been hoping to see her because I am a lot different now than when she last saw me. I’m a lot more confident, I’ve dropped the weight and I wanted to show her the improvements I made to myself. Guess it was too much for her?

[foreverzero9]

Sounds tricky, but doing things for yourself really sends sparks flying, good or bad. But it sounds like you're enjoying yourself regardless, and offhand i say it sounds like you're doing the right thing

[Fencer]

Thanks, foreverzero.

 

Any others with some insight? I'd really like some feedback.

[waveseer]

I don't think she was ever that into you, no offense.

[midnightrambler]

I don't think she was ever that into you, no offense.

 

that is what i was thinking

[Fencer]

None taken. What in particular brings you to that conclusion?

[midnightrambler]

she told you she had a bf

[Fencer]

Not till August. When we were hanging out originally in January, she never mentioned a bf. Nor in April. Most women with one usually say that upfront in my experience, but she didn't.