I dont know what it is..

[CerysJane]

I'm not sure what is wrong with me if there even IS anything wrong with me; but I'm pretty sure the way I'm feel isn't right. To everyone that knows me I appear to be a very bubbly person, attractive (guys have never been an issue) and naturally intelligent (never worked to get where I am - in University studying Law).

Everyone that knows me, even those who know truly know me very well assume I really am what I pretend to be - happy. But inside I feel like I'm dieing. I have never been so unhappy in all my life. I hate everything about myself: the way I am, the way I think, how I look - everything. I've tried talking to people about it but nobody really understands or seems to believe the magnitude of my unhappiness. My boyfriend doesn't understand why I feel this way when to him I couldn't be any better. But the more he tells me; the more ANYONE tells me that I've nothing to feel this way about, the more I mull myself into this depression. I'm 4ft11, 19 and quite slim. But I want to be everything I'm not. I want to be taller. I want to be thinner. I want the perfect life.

I have been with my boyfriend for three years now and although when I'm with him I could never imagine life without him being there, being my best friend, I constantly dream of finding someone better. He has helped me through so much and I can never imagine finding someone I have such a connection and friendship with yet whenever I'm not around him its like I'm on the look out for Mr Perfect - constantly.

I understand alot of girls around my age probably feel this way too but its like I'm obsessed. I've joined websites that help you develop eating disorders, researched limb-lengthening operations, and more seriously every couple of weeks when things hit rock bottom I find myself contemplating suicide. I feel like the life I'm living isn't worth the pain. I don't know what to do with myself but I know this is serious and its starting to affect all aspects of my life: I've completely given up on my degree, my 3 year relationship with my boyfriend, even relationships with my family and friends.

When I take a step back and look at myself it all sounds so selfish, vain and ridiculous. I'm not proud of feeling this way, it makes me hate myself even more. But I have tried so hard to shake off, to make myself feel normal again but nothing ever works. I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore.

[pumpkinmoon]

I think you need to talk to a professional about what you are feeling. It sounds like a bad case of depression and I think you should get help with it.

[kevinm]

OP, I'm right there with you in how you are feeling. My thread should be coming up in the next couple of minutes. I just feel so ALONE. Everyone I reach out to tries to provide an answer for me, but it seems no matter what is suggested it doesn't feel right. I feel alone in the world... like there is no one who could possibly understand me. And I just want this feeling to stop and be replaced... hopefully be replaced by some form of happiness. I don't know what to tell you, anything I say will likely not help... just know that I am feeling some of the same things you describe.

 

-Kevin

[greensleeves]

First of all, it isn't vain, selfish or ridiculous to feel the way that you do. Even very successful, attractive people who seem to have it all can suffer from depression, so please don't think that what you're going through isn't valid.

 

You're at an age where you have alot of decisions to make about your future; what kind of career you want, whether or not to explore new relationships and what you want your life to be. There is bound to be alot of uncertainty and I know that it can be overwhelming. It's very dangerous that you're looking at websites that will instruct you on how to develop an eating disorder and you need to get help for this before it develops into something serious...this is a road you don't want to go down. You've mentioned perfection a couple of times in your post; wanting the perfect boyfriend and a perfect life. It's good to strive for your personal best, but you have to realize that absolute perfection is an unobtainable and unrealistic goal. If you've been contemplating suicide on a regular basis I really think that you need to speak to your doctor or a professional about all of this and you should do so as soon as possible. You sound like a very intelligent girl with a bright future so please take the necessary steps to ensure that you have the happy and healthy life that you deserve.