I don't understand why i am upset

[phoenix999]

i have a "half" LDR with my bf. he will come to my state for 2-3 weeks, then away for 1.5 months and back. this had been for 2 years. it is a difficult relationship becos we have the same temperment. he gets upset quite easily like a girl. when he gets upset, he will keep quiet. that used to drive me nuts but after getting used to it, i had learned how to cope and expect.

 

we love each other a lot, and even more as time goes by. only recenly, he will call everyday. but, he doesn't have much to say , so when i finished talking, he wanted to hang up. then i got upset. he said he had nothing to say, that was why he wanted to hang up, not because he didn't want to talk to me. he said it would be difficult if i keep feeling upset when he wanted to hang up.

 

i know what he meant, but i just can't help feeling upset. we already couldn't spend time together physically, and because he doesn't have things to say, we cannot even spend time on the phone. ok, basically he is boring, so to speak. although he is boring, i still love him. i am not upset because he is boring, i feel rejected when he wants to hang up. he said he will be glad to continue the conversation if i con't to talk, but i don't want to keep talking non stop like a bimbo.

 

things are ok when we are together physically.

 

we talked about this problem just now when he sensed i was upset. he asked if is it ok to just call and hear my voice, feel connected and then hang up. ( of course, he will talk when he happens to have things to say, which is rare. ) this is not enough for me, i am upset, i feel like ignoring him. and he is upset (again) because i am upset. but we had been fighting so frequently that i don't want to fight anymore. is this a problem? i know i sound so petty, i hate myself. how to stop this?

[DN]

it is a difficult relationship becos we have the same temperment. he gets upset quite easily like a girl.

I hope you aren't saying that it is OK for you to get upset but not OK for him?

[phoenix999]

nope, he is entitled to get upset in anyway he wants to, is just him. not that i like it, but everyone is entitled to get upset as and when he/she likes. but usually guys are more in control of their emotions. anyway, i had resigned to the fate that he is like having female hormones. i always think that women are more emotional because of hormones, i may be wrong, i don't know.

 

but you know what, because he is emotional, the way he loves me is very strong too. i like that part. so i will live with the down side.

[DN]

It's a funny thing that so many women complain when men don't show their emotions - and then complain when they do.

[phoenix999]

so true. my long term ex bf is not emotional, too cool to the extend i didn't like it. and now i don't like my current bf when he shows negative emotions. i am sure i am not used to this. still learning. i am also learning how to not get upset easily. is not easy at all.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

When you are together do you have a lot of things to talk about? Maybe he is just not a phone person. I can understand you being upset..you want to talk to the man you love and you want a willing person with whom you can have a discussion, not a monologue. Does he share things about his life with you?

[phoenix999]

yes, when we are together, we don't have problem with conversation. we are comfortable even when we are not talking.

 

regarding this issue, he had explained clearly that he just had nothing to say at that moment and thought it was ok to hang up. i also explained to him i want to "spend time" with him on the phone, but not having things to say make the situation not possible. bottomline is, the distance is the main culprit.

 

his english is not that good, so i do not have the habit of writing long mushy heart wrenching letter to explain.

 

i did not throw temper at him on the phone, i explained briefly and then i didn't want to talk anymore, which made him upset in return.

 

our one major problem is we love each other so much that we got sensitive and upset very fast. today i am having my period and am more emotional. he is not caring enough to consider this factor.

 

honestly, i had observed that his actions fall less than his honeyed words. i keep telling myself not to be demanding to keep the relationship going. since i do not want to be married, i am able not to expect a lot of things.

 

i also feel that my relationship with him seems to be a mind game to me. i i don't think he is playing a mind game, just that i think i know enough to know what to do to keep it going. for example, to pretend not to be upset regarding this issue. to act carefree, strong and not needy. this will make me attractive. i know all these. but i am so tired. this is all BS. i love him, this is why i feel needy. i love him, this is why i feel upset. carefree and independent and strong? sure, i can do it. i can date more men, spread out my feelings, not put all eggs into one basket and then i know i can care less about him. i can do this. is this what he wants?

 

i have learned my lesson quite well. the more you tell how much you love the man, the more he runs away. i did tell him how much i love him, but not overdoing it. i grit my teeth so that i don't act needy. when i keep a distance, he is all over me. i am so sick of this some times, but this is life. i have learnt that i really cannot bare all my feelings.

 

i also learn that when i have nothing good to say, it is better to keep quiet. and i will never get what i want thru an argument. i think i may get cancer one day by bottling up all the frustration. or maybe, relationship is not suitable for me. or maybe he is not suitable for me. i don't know. he is the man i love most, but he is also the most painful one to be with.

[Lisa_Lisa]

I think maybe you are asking too much of this guy..

 

Sometimes it is ok just to call and hear the person you love - even if its just for 5 minutes. If he hasnt got much to say, at least he is honest to say so and to say he just wanted to hear your voice. That speaks volumes.

 

And I agree with DN - if he didnt show any emotion, you would maybe complain about that too.

 

You say you love him and want to be with him, yet you say he is boring and painful to be with. Isnt that a bit of a contradiction?

 

My girlfriend calls me every morning (her morning - she is in the US i'm in the UK) just to say Good Morning and we are probably only on the phone for 3 minutes - but thats enough. To hear her voice and know she is ok and thinking about me enough to make that call is more than enough.

We talk on the phone everyday, sometimes for 30 seconds, sometimes for hours - length of telephone conversations doesnt measure his love for you. He probably gets upset so much because you always seem to be criticising him.

 

Sorry if that sounded a bit harsh, but give the guy a break, its bad enough not being able to be with the person you love.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Lisa Lisa raises some very good points. I will also add that it sounds like you are not happy with him. You shouldn't have to smother who you are to be with someone...while it starts to get old if someone says "I love you" constantly, there is no need to smother the feelings with the one you love..you can show your love in what you do for the other person. It sounds like you have a fear of being yourself in this relationship...perhaps you two need to sit down and talk about things. Maybe there are compromises that can be worked out which will make you both happier.

[phoenix999]

thanks for your replies, appreciate.

 

i wrote he is painful to be with, i was referring to he is very fast in getting all upset and then giving me the silent treatment. even he himself admitted that he is difficult and asked me not to give him up.

 

we had talked about it before, he agreed to change, but a leapard will not change its spot. either i take it easy, or i leave.

 

there was one incident he was in the wrong, i told him on the phone, he apologised, after that, he still pout for few days and gave me silent treatment. he will do this once he feels that he is being criticised, even if he is in the wrong. because of the distance, we cannot kiss and patch up easily.

 

is always the same pattern, pout for few days, silent, and then come back. other than this, other areas are quite ok.

 

i do not agree that i should be myself. because if i allow myself to be myself, i throw tantrums too. this will end up in breakups with everytime. i thought that because i am mature, i want to discipline myself to be cool and collected.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Okay, this silent treatment bit is a very passive aggressive tactic. He doesn't want you to give up on him and yet what is he doing to work on this kind of negative, destructive behaviour. You shouldn't have to walk on eggshells because if he talk about a problem he hides in a corner and gives you the silent treatment for days. That is not healthy problem-solving behaviour. Yes, I agree you should be cool and collected rather than throwing tantrums...so you need to work on that while he needs to work on stopping his version of the tantrum which is the silent treatment. Yes, the silent treatment is just as aggressive and damaging as the verbal temper tantrum...it is just more subtle but the intimidation effect is the same.

[phoenix999]

thank you so much, thank god, finally somebody hears me. you analyse it so well, this is exactly how i feel but i don't know how to put it as well as you did.

 

for myself, when i get upset, i used to manifest in immediate outburst. over one year so as not to lose him, i had successfully put this side of me under control. i learned to bite my tongue, give myself time to cool down and whoala, i reaped the benefits later when i cooled down.

 

although now that you had identified our problem, i do not think there is a solution other than being patient with him. he will try to apologise to make me feel good when we talked about a problem, is all BS, because after that he will resent me for a few days. after that few days of silence, he will start to miss me, love takes over, and then he will truly see his own mistake and he will come back sincerely. many times in tears.

 

i feel better now as i typed out his pattern. i know to love a person is to accommodate his flaws too. oh well, i will continue to put up with this, afterall i think he loves me truly. this is a flaw but at least he is not cheating or gambling.

 

thank you for your post, it really helps. is more theraputic to type out my feelings here than to write in a diary.