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Am i Being Selfish????


heaven66
Should I Stay Or Leave My Relations...
Should I Stay Or Leave My Relationship

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Ok Im 42 and my bf is 45..we both look young and very well for our age but the yrs are going by and I want to start my life again with him..well we both do..I moved here from another city to be closer to him and our plans were that we would move in together, my twins and me...he has his own place so it would of been perfect...But i ended up moving alone with the kids because at the last minute his son had an argument with his sister and he moved back in with his father. He sat down with me and said he was sorry that he was not expecing this...Im very impatient..just 3 days ago he said he cared for me very much and that as soon as his son gets his life together we will be moving up North like we wanted to...(those were our plans at first, me moving here, he was going to sell his place and then we would move up North) He wants to work out of the home...But i want to do all this now, I don't want to wait...He does everything for his son..and i understand that but his son is almost 20 yrs old and it's not fair that he has to put his life on hold just becaus his son has not found a job and will start school again in January which my bf has to pay....I just think his son is taking advantage..he is a great kid but damn my bf is a great person and dad and he already put his life on hold once when his son went to live with him when he was 15..he stopped dating for 2 yrs just so his son would not feel unconfortable...He says that if i love him like i say I do i will be patient. I told him that he was not getting any younger and that we have the right to live our lives...What should I do? Am I being selfish?

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Yes, actually I do think you are being selfish. You get to be with your two children..he doesn't question that. Yet you are begrudging him of taking care of his son. His son may be almost 20 but he doesn't have to be thrown to the wolves just because his father's girlfriend wants him to disappear so she can move in. It is not like the son is being irresponsible..he needs the support of his dad while he is working to get his life and future in order. I am sure you would do the same for your children (at least I hope you would). Just like you are taking care of your children, he has to take care of his. I think what he is doing is admirable...putting his children first over his love life.

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My guess is that it's not so much about 'selfishness' as about commitment on his part. Do you have any doubts about his commitment, or, to put it another way - do you think he's using his son as an excuse not to fulfil his side of the plans with you?

 

If so, you need to talk about this in the context of your long-term future.

 

Are there any particular problems associated with you living in the situation you are at the moment, apart from your impatience?

 

If you have no doubts about his long-term commitment and it's just that you're feeling in a hurry, my advice to you would be to hang back. You say you have the right to live your lives, but right now his life involves his son. If you're not experiencing any particular problems living where you are, hang back. These things will sort themselves out in time.

 

If you're planning on spending the rest of your lives together, a few months isn't really significant.

 

By the way, I stopped worrying about the years going by when I went to a family gathering of my then fella. His grandad was late for the get-together because he'd made a detour to pick up his new girlfriend - the lady was 85 if she was a day! Believe me, you're not old!

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Thank you both...I love tha he a great dad..don't get me wrong I think it's great what he is doing but his mother got married and left to NY..she is living her life and we are on hold...no he is not using his son as an excuse...he loves me, just today he told me again that he wanted me to have a little patience with all this...He doesn't know how I feel..I would never tell him. It would hurt him

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You're not being selfish unless you express it directly to him in an attempt to get him to do what you want - you clearly aren't doing that.

 

Your disappointment is understandable; I can also see why you might be slightly envious of the ex-wife who's swanned off and doing her own thing. However, my guess is that one of the things which attracted you to your boyfriend is his strong sense of right and wrong - and it is this which is thwarting your plans at the moment.

 

It's also been my experience that many guys will try to compensate their kids if they think their parter's being selfish - I wonder if that's what your guy's doing.

 

So - don't worry - he's just telling you by his actions how important his loved ones are. Right now his son needs him, but once the son gets his life sorted you'll be in that place.

 

How would you feel about someone who couldn't care less about their own children?

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I don't think you're being selfish....but it seems as if your B/f is harboring some guilt

about his son. maybe because his ex is not pulling her "weight" with him..and he feels he needs to "step up" and compensate. I can understand this.....to a point. His son is still relatively young. Being twenty is still a scary age...even if it is considered "legal'. And maybe your b/f is trying to maintain a sense of civility as far as his parenting goes.

You have children....and I am sure regardless of how old they may get..a part of you will ALWAYS feel obligated to help them when they need you. I think that is where your b/f is right now. Try to be supportive and understanding.......that said...I DO not think it's unreasonable for you to set a deadline as far as how long you will wait......ie..a year .......two at the most. You have a life to live as well as he does..and he needs to respect that as well.

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I don't think your feelings are selfish. I think they are understandable. You are disappointed. And a bit frustrated.

 

But I also get the feeling you won't be going anywhere any time soon. He sounds like a good man!

 

I'd worry about keeping it bottled up though. That could cause resentment.

 

I think if you expressed it to him in the right way - with the focus on how much you are looking forward to your lives together, the new leaf, all that, and simply that you are feeling a bit frustrated....this guy sounds understanding, and he is asking you to wait, I can't imagine him being all that hurt by the fact that you love him and want him!

 

But - he does have to do what he has to do with his son. His choice - whether you like it or not.

 

What else can you do but respect it? Seems too little a thing to leave over, no?

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Not selfish...you are excited and eager to start your new life with him and rightfully so. I think you have to be somewhat patient, however, he does need to give his son a deadline as to when to get out so he can sell. Not an easy situation you are in but if you love him I think you have to give him a little grace. Not too much but enough to be understanding of his position as a parent.

 

I certainly would not want to be in your shoes. Hope all works out!

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Not selfish...you are excited and eager to start your new life with him and rightfully so. I think you have to be somewhat patient, however, he does need to give his son a deadline as to when to get out so he can sell. Not an easy situation you are in but if you love him I think you have to give him a little grace. Not too much but enough to be understanding of his position as a parent.

 

I certainly would not want to be in your shoes. Hope all works out!

 

 

That would be a very bad move on his part if he gave his son a deadline. That would be showing his son that this woman and her children take precedence over his own children. The situation is pretty sticky because she also comes with children...how can he cater to her children and not his own. I assume there is not enough room in his house for you to move in with your two children while his son lives there? His responsibility is making sure that his son can work his way to getting on his own two feet...he is only twenty and is starting to find his way. He didn't have it easy..his mother clearly took care of her own needs without considering the children so it is good that he at least has a responsible dad who will help him out. Children need their parents, no matter what age...they need to know they can count on their parents and that their parents are not going to favour a new partner's children over themselves. This goes deeper than him needing to move on with his love life...because her children come as a package deal...so he has to make sure that his kids feel that he is not walking away from them in favour of the "new kids on the block".

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I thank you all for understanding..right now Im crying because I just got from his house..he wants me by his side everyday and i love that he does but im just tired..tired of all this..sorry i need to vent...I look in his eyes and he hates it when I say im leaving..he asked me to stay and I said I gotta go.....He feels guilty because he was abused as a child by his own father to the extent of almost killing him twice...so he promised himslef that he would be the best father ever to his son...the ex gave him the son at the age of 13..he is a great dad..and i love him for that..i truly do..and he is great with my kids also...But damn what about me????? I have been widowed 3 times, I raised my 2 older boys on my own and i made good men out of them all by myself..now i have the twins to raise and that is not a problem..I find this man that i believe is my soul mate and I can't be happy with him because there are obstacles to cross....I like his son..but somehow i believe he is taking advantage of his father...this man lives for his son...expensive presents, car, he would pay his rent when he lived alone, pays his tuition for school, food clothing...the guilt of being a good father is consuming him...does anyone understand this? When I look in his eyes I see his hurt his pain of watching me how I struggle to make it one more day..through all this drama....the mom never helps with anything...she paid his plane ticket for him to go visit for xmas and that was it..oh yeah and a $20 gift card to Blockbuster..hell im not the mom and I gave him a card with $80 dollars in it....Like i said im venting..im so upset.

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I am sorry you have been widowed. I am assuming you were in love with those other men..that means you have found love 4 times in your life. I have found successful love 0 times...never married. You have a relationship with a good man who cares about his child. Why can't you just enjoy the time with him...he loves you..he wants to be with you...but he has a responsibility to his son. The son is only twenty and still in school..thereforee he doesn't have much income. It is natural for parents who can afford it to help their child with expenses while still in school and not earning a lot. It is not fair for you to blame the son because you want him to disappear so that you can move in with your children. There is nothing you can do except chill out and enjoy the time you have with your partner. It may not be the ideal situation but it is what needs to be for now. You still have his love and companionship...be happy about that...because many of us don't even have that and would love to be in your shoes having a loving, caring partner.

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