I'm stuck and I need help...

[streetlight]

Okay I'll try to give as much information as I can to make the situation more understandable..

 

We've been going out for 7 months.. but we were best friends before we started dating. During the last 7 months we've had alot of up's and down's and problems in our relation and with eachother but we've always been able to overcome them. We've had alot of happy times, but also hard times but it was through those hard times that we learnt more about eachother and they brought us closer in the end. We always overcome our problems. It wasn't easy but we knew we could always fix it if both of us put int he effort.

 

We broke up exactly this time last month, well.. my partner dumped me. He said he didn't love nor care for me anymore. I couldn't take it and I knew it was a mistake.. I went to his house early the next day to try to talk to him..and surely after a few hours or talking it through he asked if we could try this again. He said he was just blinded by his emotions and anger and that is what caused him to see things wrongly.

 

Since we got back together a month ago we've become closer than ever before. It was the most perfect time together we've had. Even though at the start of this month I faced the chance I might be pregnant, but he was always there for me to look after me while I was sick and take me to the clinic to get tested. It was negative and we were both happy. We spent Christmas eve together, we spent it at my house with my family. I spent more time with his family, and helped cook meals for him and his little brother when the parents were out. We couldn't have been more perfect. he'd grown up so much from the immature little boy I first started dating and I was SO proud of him. We both agreed that there was no ending this relationship. We've come too far. We were both serious about this and completely 100% comitted. It was perfect.

 

This however all came crashing down on Monday (December 29th) when we came to a big misunderstanding. Initially he was meant to be spending this day with friends, but changed his mind and said he wanted to spend the day with me instead. A few minutes later I received a call that I had to work that day so I apoligized and asked if we could do this on Tuesday instead. Done. Although, he did add that he would stay home and call me/talk to me online since my work is only in the morning.

 

So, monday came. And I was waiting for his call.. it never came. I txt'd him asking where he was.. and I admit, I got a bit upset at him.. because of the fact he's always breaking promises. But on Sunday he promised to try harder and write down all the promises he makes so he wouldn't forget. But he did this time.. again.. but it turned out he was out with friends and rushed home when he got my txt message. He overreacted towards me and got mad saying I was too controlling and that he doesn't have control or freedom in his life anymore. I didn't I was controlling at all.. it was just a misunderstanding. But he completely took it the wrong way and said he wanted me out of his life.. he's had enough. Even though I pleaded that I could change.. I wouldn't get upset over little things and that I wouldn't interfere with his other plans. He wouldn't listen. He deleted me off facebook and blocked me on msn, plus wouldn't return my calls. When I called his home number instead his dad said he just left the house.

 

The next day was the day we were supposed to meet. He never officially cancelled on em so I thought I'd go just in case he shows up. When I woke up, I wrote a letter to him.. including all my feelings, and thoughts on the situation. Because in the back of my head I had a feeling he might not want to really talk to me anyway. The least he could do was read my letter, right? I wrote everything down on paper and drew him a picture because I know he likes that. On my way to the city I also remembered that he desperately wanted to start keeping a diary.. remembering this I went and bought a nice vintage-style diary and wrote a message in the first page. I hope he uses it.

 

He didn't show up at the time/place we originally planned.. so instead I decided to make a trip to his house. By then I knew he wouldn't want to talk.. so all I would do is say hi.. smile.. and give him my letter and gift and then leave. At the end of the letter I was basically asking for a second chance, I wanted him to think about this and about us more clearly. This WAS a mistake and he was completely overreacting. Probably blinded by his anger and emotions again. So I would give him some time to read.. and think.. and I would be waiting in the park by his house if he decided he wanted to talk about this more. This is what I planned to do. But he wasn't home. His parents insisted I stay and wait because they were completely on my side. They said I was a good girl and the best thing that;s ever happened to him. They said I could help him and teach him alot. But they said if this was all too much for me I should just give up. I said no. I love him, and care for him.. he means too much to me. And I'm not one to give up on things easily. They invited me in and we spent alot of time talking. It turns out the day he dumped me he left the house when he friends came to pick him up and never came home until 6am the next day. He slept for a while then left with friends again. I was shocked.. this isn't like him at all.

 

When he did get home at 8:00pm and saw me there.. he had his fists clenched and began to yell "what the hell is this?!".. he wasobviously still in a bad mood.. his mother tried to talk to him and calm him down but instead, he stormed off and ran outside.. She said there was no point waiting anymore and I should just go home for today. She apoligized that I had to wait around for nothing, because he wouldn't talk to me anyway if he came back. But I'm glad I did.. I got to talk to his parents alot more and they were very nice, kind and welcoming to me. She said she would talk to him when he comes back home..when he has calmed down a bit. I asked her to pass on my letter and gift to him once he has.. hoping and praying he would read it. She asked me to come back in a few days to try to talk to him again.. give him a few days to calm down and think about things first. She asked me to come this weekend.. early in the morning before he decides to go off somewhere again, and that I am always welcome into their home.

 

Today I woke up and my friend tells me that he's just updated his facebook status saying he hasn't sleep in days and that he was drunk and now has a huge hangover. I was really sad to hear this. And basically, now I don't know what to do. Since we broke up he's become so.. rebellious and reckless.. and not himself. I don't know how I can help him. I still care about him and I hope this doesn't continue. I still want to be with him. I still love him. But I just don't understand anything right now.

 

Why would he overreact like that to dump me over a misunderstanding? Why did it end like that, that he couldn't forgive me, even if it was a misunderstading. Isn't this all just a huge manifestation of his own problems? But I want to help him so badly.. I want to be there for him.

 

If anyone has any advice or suggestions I would greatly appreciate it. I'm stuck right now.. I really am lost and I don't know what I can do.

[pumpkinmoon]

Sorry you are going through this. It sounds to me that after all the problems you have had it all got too much for him and this final misunderstanding was the last straw. It also sounds like his friends have been influencing him in this situation quite a bit. I think that the best thing to do is leave it be at the moment. Right now he probably thinks that it is great that he gets to spend all his time with his friends and he has all the freedom he wants but that will soon wear off and he will probably get tired of it. I know this probably isn't what you wanted to hear and I can understand that but I think it is the best thing to do right now.

[catfeeder]

Sorry you are going through this. It sounds to me that after all the problems you have had it all got too much for him and this final misunderstanding was the last straw. It also sounds like his friends have been influencing him in this situation quite a bit. I think that the best thing to do is leave it be at the moment. Right now he probably thinks that it is great that he gets to spend all his time with his friends and he has all the freedom he wants but that will soon wear off and he will probably get tired of it. I know this probably isn't what you wanted to hear and I can understand that but I think it is the best thing to do right now.

 

I agree, and it might help to read about the benefits of 'No Contact' -- a good place to start might be this thread:

 

 

 

You can't expect that he will be receptive to your contact right now--in fact, you'll likely do more damage than you realize if you try to play social worker with him.

 

I understand your frustration and want to assure you that while you may not like my observations (and I admit I could be wrong) I'm about to play devil's advocate with you and possibly represent things the way BF might see them. I can appreciate if you hate me for this, but if you can get past that it could be useful to your goals if you want him back.

 

First, BF might resent any attempt to dismiss his feelings as a misunderstanding. If you'll reread your post, you did come off as a bit controlling over his whereabouts, and your characterization of him as "always breaking promises" seems a bit condescending--and if you operate under this assumption it probably comes out sideways on him more than you realize. You sound as though you're on top of every detail of every minute with this guy, and he may find this to be suffocating.

 

If you love this guy, you may want to change your focus from directing outcomes to really considering his warning that he resents being controlled. He's broken up with you over this before, and it doesn't sound as though you've heard him. You'll only demo this if you take his feelings for granted and decide that you know how the relationship should be, how he should behave, and how you can join forces with his parents to pressure him. That's not going to work. If he perceives you as manipulating his family--especially in his own home, it will make him resent you more.

 

It's the opposite of a good idea to mother him. Think about it--what do children do with overprotective mothers? They rebel. Plus, it's ultra not sexy. Plus, he's not a child.

 

I hope you'll hang in there and muster enough strength to give him space. Should he pursue contact with you, please listen to him rather than try to push for the outcome you want. It sounds as though he's done with being pushed, so the only way to work things out is to change yourself--not him.

 

In your corner.