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Finding a way through it


Sara71

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Well, my guy broke up with me after 9 years and he did it the day after christmas. Lovely. I've been a mess but slowly I'm dealing with it in my own way. I am not emotionally ready to say 'forever' but I am ready to move on as though it were forever. That way, if he changes his mind, great.. if he doesn't.. also great because my life is better.

 

I've realised a few things.

 

1. Most of my tears today have not been over my lost love, they have been because my life is a freaking mess. Because he had money, I never put any effort into my own career and because I lived in the glow of what I thought was perfect love, I haven't really developed any fabulous interests. Now that he is gone, I have nothing. All our cool stuff was his, and he still has his fabulous career, exciting toys and security. What I need to do is not try to get him back so that I can use him to soothe my insecurities about myself, but I need to sort my * * * * out, focus on myself and deal with the mess of my life. Otherwise.. new relationship, with him or with someone else.. it's just gonna go the same way...

 

2. I'm finding it useful for the moment to change everything. Shop in a different supermarket, not go to familiar places, don't drive near our home. These things just set me up for a really bad emotional trip. I've not deleted him from my phone because I need to keep in basic contact about our property settlement etc, but I did change his name so that I don't get that happy vibe when I see who is calling or when I select his name from my contacts. Sounds nutty, but it works.

 

3. This sounds a bit macabre but I'm finding it very useful to think of him as two people. The old Jase that loved me is gone. Dead, or at least MIA presumed dead. I have my memories but they are not related to the new guy that I have to deal with. I deal with him as if he is a different person, maybe the twin brother of my Jase. Let's call him Jason instead. I grieve for what is gone, and it's very very hard because my Jase was very good to me, right up to the last day. It really is like that precious person died. The new Jason is not feeling that love for me, so I think maybe he needs to start dealing with the new Sara that finally gets it and doesn't beg for the old Jase to return. It's a whole new ballgame with this new guy that looks like my old guy and I need to approach him for what he is... a nice guy that doesn't love me right now. Maybe he will later, maybe not. The past is gone and I have to live in the now without my old Jase. Sucks, but that is how it is.

 

Please share any other tips and emotional strategies that help you get through the process just after the breakup.

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I think of my EX as two people two and that's not a way to heal faster, I really do!

The person who loved me more than anything else and who I fell in love with is gone for good. In fact when I talk to her she looks like a stranger to me. I don't know what happened and how it did, but she's been replaced by another "her" who I don't even recognize anymore. I guess it's half good and half bad. I don't even want to get back with her that much now that she's "morphed" into another person, but it hurts so much to know that the person I fell in love with is gone forever, not just gone from me, but gone from the world.

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Well, because he made a lot of money I devoted my time to helping my sister with her struggling business, for a minimum wage. In NZ you are considered married by common law after three years living together and it was longer than that for us so I am entitled to half of everything. Rather than work through lawyers (although I will do that if it looks like it will turn nasty) he offered to get the house valued and pay me half as a lump sum. I agreed. We also own a second house together, which he put up all the money for, but both our names are on the title. We will keep that until house prices rise then sell it and split the profit.

 

Today I do feel better, maybe even a bit relieved. I'm thinking about career options, retraining, maybe even moving overseas if my sister does (she has a foreign boyfriend) so I definitely feel more free. It does help to see him as not the guy I loved but someone else. I'm going out to a party tonight and may be able to get through it without bawling. No alcohol though or I'll be drunk dialling before you know it!

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