General questions after NC/LC

[catfish1199]

I have posted my situation a couple of times on here so some of you may remember it somewhat, but after 2 months of being broken up with her after 7 years of being together, I think I am ready to start looking at things from a more intelligent perspective.

 

First of all, the past 2 months have been NC except for moving out issues, holiday texts and meetings to exchange things. The past 2 weeks have been total NC except for Chistmas texts, which I thought were appropriate since we are very civil.

 

I question whether or not NC is the best medicine for our particular situation. I feel like I have healed considerably, but not finished by any means. I also feel like she has not healed at all. She has the burden of living with her girlfriends and seeing the guy she began seeing right after our break up. (I cannot confirm that they are still seeing each other). With all of these distractions, I have serious doubts that she can look at herself objecitvely.

 

That was one of her major faults. She hides her true feelings from herself. I believe that in our case, she wasnt pondering our break up for very long. 2 months max. I think she was tricking herself into thinking she was happy when we were not moving forward in life. Plus she has to support her mother to some extent, which really wears her down. So as you can see, she has alot of things that are weighing on her rather than just our relationship.

 

My questions deal with the timing of any contact.

I feel like I should be there for her. I whole-heartedly believe that she is not the kind of girl who will try to contact me with NC. I believe that she is trying to get over me and convince herself that she made the right decision. I think she will feel like contacting me will set her back from that. That is why I want to figure out the best time to let her know that I am there for her.

 

She just posted on facebook "Tiffany is ready for this year to be over. Hopefully 2009 will be much better"

 

I want to write her something inspiring, but nothing that has to do with US. Just to kind of lift her spirits and to show her that our breakup has made me grow more emotionally intelligent, which it has. Is that a good idea?

 

Also, how big of a roadblock to generating those old feelings is her living with her girlfriends, which I think were a big part in helping her make the decision to break up with me?

 

More importantly, how can you approach an ex who is good at hiding her feelings from herself? She finally broke down and realized that she wasnt happy. I think she wasnt happy in life in general and I was only a part of that. I had changed and became less ambitious and less appreciative to her. That was magnified by all of her other issues. Is that something I can and should help her with? Is that something that we can mend? Can her feelings come back especially if she has trouble seeing her own feelings?

 

 

I should add that I have found myself and I know the direction I am heading in. It came about fairly quickly when I decided to hunt down the degree I should have gotten in the first place. Once I dug that out and started in that direction, everything came into perspective fairly quickly. I have a clear view of myself, but I am in no way over her.

 

Thanks for any insight. Sorry for the length.

[livheartspie]

are we dating the same person?! the only difference is that my ex and i were not dating as long as you and your ex were.

 

as for your question, there is no good timing to break no contact, especially w/ a girl that is confused w/ her own feelings. i say don't do anything at all since anything you say just feeds her mindset that it is for the best and what she did was right. now by all means if you have NO interest for reconciliation whatsoever, then feel free to talk to her, but you have no obligation to do so. she forfieted any privileges from you when she broke off the relationship. you want to percieve yourself as the one who got away, not the plan b just in case nothing works out.

 

i've learned that dumpers have a weird perspective when it comes to breaking up, especially w/ your ex and mine. it seems like ours have a way of running away from things when it gets way too hard. but they always think its for the best, eventhough they are in the same exact situation afterwards.

 

my advice for you is to let her figure things out for herself cause if you really think about it, you can't force anything to happen anymore.

[SighSob]

I agree with what you're saying, I'm not sure though if that's just common thoughts from a dumpee's perspective or if there's some truth in it.

I think that my ex is trying to convince herself she's made the right choice too.

When she asked for time and space, I thought she'd spend days alone in her room thinking about us. Well while I was doing that, she was happily hanging with her new friends, and she's got a crush on one of them. How sweet of her. I thought a 2.5 years relationship deserved more than that.

Still, I hope she will sooner or later get back to the real world. Friends can distract you for months, not forever. You dumped me baby. You lost me. No more you&me. If she's made a mistake like I think, she will come back to me (crawling). But as I said before, maybe we don't get the big picture. Maybe they aren't convincing themselves of anything, and the ones who don't want to face reality is us dumpees. Only time will tell.

[catfish1199]

Well I just found out that she broke it off with the guy she was seeing. I think that FINALLY she can take an objective look at herself, her feelings, her future. I am fighting the urge to be excited about this, but its hard because I know that she needs this time alone.

 

THis makes me want to comment on her facebook status which is "Tiffany is ready for this year to be over, Hopefully 2009 is much better!" Do you think it would be good for her to hear me try and give her some confidence?

[Sturmhouse]

Well I just found out that she broke it off with the guy she was seeing. I think that FINALLY she can take an objective look at herself, her feelings, her future. I am fighting the urge to be excited about this, but its hard because I know that she needs this time alone.

 

THis makes me want to comment on her facebook status which is "Tiffany is ready for this year to be over, Hopefully 2009 is much better!" Do you think it would be good for her to hear me try and give her some confidence?

 

I would say, objectively, that if she just broke it off with the other guy, now is a good time to poke your head in. It's tricky, though, because you're exploiting a weak time for her, and you don't want to turn that to your advantage when she hasn't had time to learn anything about herself. Otherwise, history is doomed to repeat itself. I think you're dead-on with the idea of encouraging her, or lifting her spirits, rather than going full blast trying to get back together. If I were you (which I'm not) and it was my girl (which it isn't) and she had the same problem (which she doesn't), I wouldn't see any harm in sending a nice note that says something like:

 

"Hey Tiffany. Hope everything is going well for you. If you need someone to talk to I'm available. Not long before new years, hope it's a good one for you!"