Break up = permanent hatred + indifference?

[BusyNAbroad]

Does breaking up and "moving on" mean canceling your dumpee/ex out of your life for ever?

 

Background: Firstly, I never had any serious long-term romantic relationship in my life (but I had many rejections and a kind of break up from a long-distance affair), so I'm talking from ambition rather than from experience. Still, I believe that ambition and will-power can have a great influence on ones' experience.

 

Secondly, I think my ambition and will-power, and generally my philosophy of life, is marked by an influence of positive and social values. My parents are Christian and Buddhist, but although I don't follow any of those religions, I strongly believe in reconciliation or "being in harmony with everyone around us". I have no enemies, and whenever there is something wrong I try to solve the issue as quickly as possible so that, even if we disagree on something, even if something really bad happened between us, we can face each other with a smile of relief... or at least try to behave productively.

 

I wonder why the same cannot be applied to broken hearts, and I would like to hear especially the opinion of other people (religious or not) who share my views of peace and reconciliation.

 

I get literally depressed when, especially on forums like this, I read words such as "cut out from my life" or "never talk to again", or "get over with", applied to a break up. When I read such advice, I almost get the impression that by getting over with someone you are suggesting that you shouldn't see a person who dumped you as human anymore. That they are wretched beasts who ruined your life and thus should be eliminated from your memories.

 

So, I wanted to ask you.

 

Does "breaking up" necessarily have to mean canceling a person from ones' entire life?

 

Does "moving on" to a better life necessarily mean to avoid your ex as if she/he were a plague?

 

Why not turn a break up into something more constructive, with the person who dumped you?

 

Some ideas that come into my mind are:

- ask person who dumped you to point out how you can grow up, become a better person

- ask person who dumped you to help you find new partners

- stay friends, have fun,...

- ...

- ...and who knows?

 

Maybe you might even discover that, despite all misunderstandings created by social norms, you were meant to be together after all?

[waveseer]

It completely depends on the relationship. I would be friends with almost all of my exes. But my soon to be ex husband will never be my friend. I would not be friends with anyone who treats me the way he does. So, yes I think you've got something there and no, it isn't always possible.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I don't think permanent hatred is a very productive emotion. If someone dumps you and you would still like them back then it is easier if you cancel them out of your life so that you don't have to hear about it when that person finds a new love interest. It is not a matter of indifference, it is a matter of protecting yourself from further hurt. Some people can become friends with an ex but that friendship is only a "real" friendship if there are no lingering romantic feelings and no desire to get back together. In other words, learning that the ex is seeing someone else will make you feel very happy for them rather than jealous and hurt. Also, it depends on how a person was treated during the relationship. If someone was controlling, manipulative and abusive then it is probably a good idea not to count that person as a friend even after the break up.

[mariposa81]

It completely depends on the relationship. I would be friends with almost all of my exes. But my soon to be ex husband will never be my friend. I would not be friends with anyone who treats me the way he does. So, yes I think you've got something there and no, it isn't always possible.

 

 

I agree with the previous posters. I'm very good friends with all of exes except for one. He was very abusive in a lot of ways and treated me worse than someone would treat someone that they hated. He made my life a living hell. So no, I have no desire to associate with him at all and don't really feel like he deserves to have a place in my life after all he put me through. I don't despise him or wish anything bad for him in his life, I just choose for him never to be part of mine again.

 

So yes, in some cases it's possible and some not.

[jennamajig]

If there is any shred of "in love" feelings, friendship cannot happen, I believe.

 

I don't know if I will ever talk to my ex again. I still have some love in my heart and until that fades, I can't even think of trying to be friends. And to be honest, I'm not sure if could ever happen - but who really knows the future? I just concentrate on NC right now to get the love to fade and myself to heal.

 

The only ex I remained friendly with was my high school boyfriend - who is now gay But honestly, my relationship experience is very, very limited.

[BusyNAbroad]

Some people can become friends with an ex but that friendship is only a "real" friendship if there are no lingering romantic feelings and no desire to get back together. In other words, learning that the ex is seeing someone else will make you feel very happy for them rather than jealous and hurt.

 

This is exactly what I mean.

 

However, what I also mean is that this overall positive attitude might actually turn out to be more constructive towards "getting back together" rather than just cutting them off by - for example - doing "NC".

 

My impression is that an "experienced" dumper would intuitively understand that you are doing NC only because you were hurt and/or there are lingering romantic feelings and/or you're trying to follow this rule to win her back...

 

Would a person who is genuinely unaffected by being dumped change his or her overall behavior and lifestyle? Wouldn't he/she instead be friendly as usual?

 

My instinctive feeling after being dumped by my long distance 'lover' was to simply tell her "it's ok, thank you for everything and then talk normally, as if nothing apocalyptic had happened... but instead of doing that, I read all this advice about NC, and have been on NC for almost a month. I now think it was the greatest mistake I ever did! I'm sure she now thinks that I am suffering and thereforee I don't want to speak with her.

[pryda]

Background: Firstly, I never had any serious long-term romantic relationship in my life (but I had many rejections and a kind of break up from a long-distance affair), so I'm talking from ambition rather than from experience.

This much is painfully clear from the rest of your post.

 

I like your optimism, but the problem with this idea is that it is TOO logical and as such just isn't feasible in the emotional fracas that follows a break-up.

 

Yes, it would be fantastic if we could be dumped by our partner and then keep them around as a useful influence and benefactor, but it just doesn't work. When someone cuts the ex out of their life, it might seem like an illogical and unconstructive thing to do, but having the ex IN their life causes them PAIN and this is pain that can only really be dispelled by removing the ex as an active influence (in the short term, anyway).

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Who cares what the dumper thinks. The dumper will think whatever and if the dumper is feeling smug because he/she imagines you are still in pain well then that doesn't say much about the dumper does it. The purpose of a dumpee going NC is to ensure that the sun no longer rises and sets on the dumper...in other words it is so the dumpee can heal and move on. Whatever the dumper thinks is irrelevant..as it should be since the dumpee is no longer linked to him/her as a couple. A great many people who have tried to pretend like nothing heartbreaking happened and put on a brave act to try to be friends with the ex have gotten really burned. The dumper just takes advantage of the situation, uses the dumpee, gives mixed messages etc while the dumpee secretly overanalyzes everything the dumper says hoping that this word or that word means the dumper is re-considering. For the emotional well-being of the dumpee, it is better that they go NC until they no longer have any romantic feelings for the dumper.

[BusyNAbroad]

A great many people who have tried to pretend like nothing heartbreaking happened and put on a brave act to try to be friends with the ex have gotten really burned. The dumper just takes advantage of the situation, uses the dumpee, gives mixed messages etc while the dumpee secretly overanalyzes everything the dumper says hoping that this word or that word means the dumper is re-considering. For the emotional well-being of the dumpee, it is better that they go NC until they no longer have any romantic feelings for the dumper.

 

But this is not a positive/constructive approach at all. In these cases I can perfectly understand how things could go bad for the dumpee.

 

I don't agree with the "who cares what the dumper thinks"... that is unstrategic towards any possibility of gaining him/her back.

[ladyblue07]

SOMETIMES exes can stay friends, but USUALLY it is best for both parties to just move on.

A lot of times, "Staying Friends" is really just an excuse for the dumped person to still hold onto hope that the relationship is not really over. In that sort of case, it is really more kind to just cut off contact with finality so that the dumped person doesn't waste a lot of time clinging onto false hope that the dumper will reconsider and want to get back together.

Also, staying friends can be weird for the dumper if they want to date someone new and have to tiptoe around the topic of new love to avoid hurting the dumped person's feelings.

 

If you really have truly accepted that your ex does not love you anymore and probably never will again, and if you don't feel like you're getting stabbed in the heart every time your ex talks about dating someone else, having sex with another person, getting engaged or married to someone else...then yeah, congratulations, you really are friends and there is nothing wrong with that sort of friendship.

However, it seems to me that many times when people stop wanting to get back together with their ex in a romantic way, the desperate desire to "be friends" with the ex also fades away too.

[Anusha]

I agree with BusyNdizzy,why somebody that you spent many years together and was so important in your life has to become somebody you hate just because you two broke up? I think it all could be done in a lot nicer way.I understand that is easier to move on when you not talking with your ex and so I see the point in that but I dont see why we should totaly cut the person out of your life.I think that in respect to all you two lived together you should be at least civil about it.Like for example I dont see any problem in wishing your bf merry christmas or anything like that.You do those things and talk with the person because you love and care for them so is about how you fell for them and not just because they are your bf.At least that is how I think about it.

[jennamajig]

You are very lucky if a break-up situation ends this way. My ex dumped me very suddenly and revealed he lied about a couple of key things in the last couple of months we were together. When he broke up he told me - we will not be able to be friends for a very long time, if ever.

 

He wanted me out and I left, trying to make things civil a month later - he just wanted me out even more. I never really learned why he broke up with me (he said "we are too much the same to be compatible" - which didn't explain why he was so cold, but alas), but I'm thinking in my situation friendship is not going to happen. I was hurt and still am. I need to resolve these feelings and frankly while I do, I can't think about him or his feelings. Selfish? Yes. It doesn't mean I hate him. Yes, anger is a stage we all go through, but it is just a stop to getting love to fade. I know my ex and I wish each other the best and care for each other's general well being, but honesty, sometimes it just stops there.

 

If a break up is mutual and one ex-partner isn't still harboring feelings, friendship can happen easily (perhaps). But when one party ends up being hurt (and it is usually the case), distance/NC can do a lot more good. But this is my two cents.

 

Getting back together...well that is a whole different can of worms. And I see very times that it even works. I have no experience there.

[Robert013]

i think the hatred only last as long as you allow it to. I hated my ex at first but now I really don't care. I took time away to look at the big picture and decided that a friendship might be possible after the dust has settled. Remind you she dumped me. She is still angry so I have to waite for her of course. I would love her help in improving myself who knows better what i can change than her right? I would love for her to help me find a new person but I think she still cares for me deep down even though she doesn't want to admitrt it. When you are angry with an ex and say you want nothing to do with them I take this as a sign that you are not over them. she says she hates me but still attemps to make contact. I left it up to her if she wants to be friends. She is with another guy and I just don't care anymore. It helped me move on quicker. I would hate to have waited three months and then have my heart broken all over again.

 

Friends is sometimes a possability if you allow time to heal.

[BusyNAbroad]

If you really have truly accepted that your ex does not love you anymore and probably never will again, and if you don't feel like you're getting stabbed in the heart every time your ex talks about dating someone else, having sex with another person, getting engaged or married to someone else...then yeah, congratulations, you really are friends and there is nothing wrong with that sort of friendship.

However, it seems to me that many times when people stop wanting to get back together with their ex in a romantic way, the desperate desire to "be friends" with the ex also fades away too.

 

Have you consciously attempted to be friends with someone in this sense?

I have no more romantic feelings for a person who dumped me, but I feel miserable for not being able to carry on all the other good things that existed between us: our common interests, our long philosophical discussions, etc. Those are all things that are done among friends, not because of romance.

 

Perhaps the desire to "be friends" with the ex fades away because one of the two parties tries to force romantic feelings onto the relationship, and sees that it doesn't work anymore. Perhaps this "not working out anymore"-feeling makes them tired of trying and trying... and thus it fades away.

 

I am not talking about a "desperate desire" to be friends. But simply stay cool and let things develop as if nothing bad had happened