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Cheating, it was a kiss


jelly-baby

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My boyfriend "cheated" on me, he doesnt call it cheated

he kissed another girl without tongue

however

the girl was trying to do more, and he didn't back way for "under 10 seconds"

he never told me this for 2 months, and randomly one day told me, cos the guilt was too much [more like too many people knew and it could get back 2 me]

so the upsetting thing isnt tht he shared a kiss with someone, i mean, its not tht big a deal, its tht it took him like say 5 seconds 2 realise tht he shouldnt do this. he was drunk, and after a couple of days i forgave him [more for the lying]

but part of me feels like a little bit of trust has gone, and respect. i dont completely trust himanymore, we have to good a thing to lose, and he was distraught when i stopped talking to him, but now were ok, its about 2 months on, and i just cnt get it out of my head, and i cnt help but realise now that he has the capability to lie to me, am i normal for still feeling that over a 5 second kiss?

hes an enomrous flirt, and thts always been a problem

he stopped in the point of kissing this girl, and tellingme, but now i know hes jjust gone back 2 his old ways

is this one of those "well what can ya do situations"

or is there anything to make me feel better about trusting him

i brought up the situation the other day

saying that i feela bit stupid as hes friends with the girl who kissed him, even though iv never met her, i never like contacted her or said anything to her, just let her and all her friends laugh at me really, not knowing for months. and he stills hangs out with them.

and he said "i dnt mean 2 belittle the situation, but its been 2 months"

and i just felt tht he doesnt understand, even though i still wna be with him, it still hurts, and trust is still gone

do u think its always going to be like this? x

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Cheating doesn't even have to be physical, it can even be purely emotional. I would consider "just a kiss" cheating, and it sounds like it is in your book, too.

 

I think you should talk to him again. Just because 2 months has passed does not mean that you are over it or should be. He violated your trust & he's going to have to earn it back if your relationship is going to work. First off, he needs to acknowledge what he did was wrong & it WAS cheating. If it were me, I would tell him he can't hang out with that girl anymore, & if he chooses to then he is choosing it over your relationship. You can't dictate someone's friends but I think if your SO violates your trust, you have the right- to an extent- to set up some boundaries.

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well he hasnt hung out with the girl, but people who know her, he has, and they all knew

i dont know this crowd of friends of his, they're old friends,only odd names. but they knew, he told me that it started to get around, and i only rescently realised, that means that all these girls and guys he saw, they all knew he had cheated on me, and knew that i didnt know. and that makes me feel really stupid, like "the girlfriend who thinks her boyfriend is so perrfeect" and yeah, they know i now know, but its still odd, and its more his attitude to it, he cant handel people not liking him, and he couldnt handle it when i told him, i forgive him for doing it, but i dnt trust him, and tht it will take time.. in an odd way, i trust him not to do it again, just cos he saw hw bad things turned out, but i dont trust him in terms of lying, cos he lied so easily for so long, he claims he never said he didnt cheat, but I NEVER ASKED, i remmeber the morning after him phoning me telling me how wonderful i was,and that he missed me and could he see me today, then at a party the following week he said "theres a rumour going round tht i got off with someone, just letting u no, cos i wnt u 2 no from menow its not true"

which is TECHNICALLY true, but he didnt add "but i did kiss someone" being the person tht i am i never asked, but grr just getting angry thinking about it, he is a real flirt and its hard to keep up with the way he acts with girls cos i lose being special, hes gd with words, and gd at making me feel bad, so i need other people to help me know when im right and wrong, cos i automatically feel wrong when i talk to him

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If he didnt consider it cheating he would'nt of felt guilty or tried to hide it.

 

Ofcourse you're not gonna trust him, ask him how he'd feel if you did the same, since its not considered cheating to him..

 

You need to talk, you may start panicking and reacting badly anytime he goes out with this girl or maybe any other girl and it could ruin things in the long run.

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at a party the following week he said "theres a rumour going round tht i got off with someone, just letting u no, cos i wnt u 2 no from menow its not true" which is TECHNICALLY true, but he didnt add "but i did kiss someone" being the person tht i am i never asked, but grr just getting angry thinking about it, he is a real flirt and its hard to keep up with the way he acts with girls cos i lose being special, hes gd with words, and gd at making me feel bad, so i need other people to help me know when im right and wrong, cos i automatically feel wrong when i talk to him

 

No, it' not technically true. It's technically a lie. The whole reason that "rumor" was going around was BECAUSE of what he did. It probably wasn't even a rumor going around, he just wanted to cover his bases in case someone told you what happened. He flat out lied. It is NOT your fault that you didn't think to ask him everything he might possibly have done that he didn't consider cheating. Which is pretty convenient for him to hold such a belief. So if kissing someone else is not cheating than he would be okay with you kissing other guys?

 

A man does not make you special; you are all on your own. If he is making you feel like you need to be with him to be someone, if he makes you feel like you are wrong, consider the possibility that you are in an abusive relationship & it might be healthy for you to be away from him. Ask your friends & family what they truly think of him. Whatever the majority of people think of him.. they are probably right. Just think about it.

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So the only reason why he told you about it was that he realized too many people knew and was afraid that it would get back to you... So what if no one knew, he'd continue lying forever. What if no one knew he had sex with another girl, would he keep that from you? And what's this nonsense about you never asked so he never had to tell. That's BS and you know it. Ommission of the facts is the same as lying.

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When I was with my ex, I drunk-kissed another guy (no tongue), and I never told him (my ex) about it. It was a good-bye kiss with a male acquaintance, and I really didn't feel like I had cheated. However, my ex and I had a pretty unhealthy relationship, and I had very little respect for him.

 

My current relationship is much healthier, and if I were to do the same thing, I would tell him pretty much immediately. I respect him much more than I did my ex.

 

I think if he respected you and your relationship, he would have told you.

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its one of those i need him more than i want him situations

were breaking up for uni anyway, i think i need to be forced 2 break up with him to do so..

hes one of those who r very gd with words, flattery etc, charming, (to all girls) can win u round, but i thought he didnt lie, and i cnt tell wheteher tht was a 1 off or just tht i didnt no him that well.. its rli not as easy as ppl think, cos obviously iv come on2 this forum, half expecting these anwers cos im presenting the bad points, but hes been a better boyfriend since, yeah not perfect, i dunno :S the main issue is trust, i dnt think he'd do it again out of fear of losing me, but i do think tht if something else worth lying 2 me happened he would, if that makes sense

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