Ten years and still waiting...

[hsprings121]

I am just so depressed lately. My boyfriend and I are both 27 and our next anniversary in a couple of months will make it 10 years since we started dating. In the past, I've kind of put off the thought of getting engaged because we were both still in school. Now, we've both been out of GRAD school for almost 2 years and still nothing. We've talked about our timeline for getting engaged and last year he said it would be sometime this year, but then more recently he's saying next year. I guess I do believe it will be sometime soon because he has taken me to look at rings, but I don't want to get my hopes up only to be upset when nothing happens. His excuses in the past were not having enough money and his mother wanting him to wait a couple of more years before settling down. I look at all my friends around me who are making considerably less money and that didn't stop them from getting engaged while in school and getting married shortly after. I feel like there is something wrong with me. Of all the couples around we are the ones that have dated the longest and still aren't engaged. He tells me I am the one, but after that long he still hasn't made it official.

 

Now that he is talking more and more about proposing and getting a ring, he is upset that I'm not excited. He compares me to my other friends and how excited they are about planning things and posting pictures. Frankly, I think that all this waiting has made me bitter. I feel like when he finally does do it all I'll want to say is, "It's about freaking time."

 

I have set somewhat of a personal deadline for myself- if he does not propose by our 10th anniversary I will end it. I just can't do another year of "It's coming up soon!" only to be moving forward by an inch each time. He's been telling me soon since last year and only now has he started looking at rings. He then has to save up for one (which may take another year, who knows!)

 

This whole thing isn't how I pictured it. I never wanted to be the one constantly waiting and wondering when. He's also told me things in the past that lead me to believe that his parents don't think I'm good enough for him. Because of this, the relationship between myself and his family is almost nonexistent. I've always wanted a good relationship with my in-laws and it just doesn't seem like it will happen here.

 

For all the things that are wrong, I must let you know that when it's just my boyfriend and I (and I'm not thinking about getting engaged) everything's great. I can't picture getting along better with anyone else and he's very loving and takes care of me. We've had our troubles in the past, but we've managed to work through them.

 

Do you think I'm being too idealistic? I'm also sad that I can't get excited like he wants me to, but I feel like he's kind of ruined it for me by waiting too long. Do you think it's just in my head? Any advice would be great.

[Nkaleidoscopic]

Waiting 10 years is crazy. But I guess it varies from person to person.

 

You said you get along really well with him .. how do you feel towards him? Is it passionate love or like really close "brother"-like love.

 

Maybe he's saving up for a big ring. If you wanted it sooner, you could ask for a Moissy or a CZ.

 

I don't know what you mean by idealistic. To me in an idealistic world rings and stuff wouldn't matter just the commitment of marriage. Seems like you're putting alot of emphasis on the superficial stuff.

[hsprings121]

By idealistic, I mean that I want everything to be perfect. I wanted him to propose two years ago. I want his family to be like my own. And I don't want a big ring. I'd take a smaller ring over a bigger ring if it meant he would propose sooner. How am I putting too much emphasis on superficial things?

[Jeremiah Johnson]

After ten years, you might as well just stay together and not get married. If it's worked the way it has for this long, why chance it? You could end the relationship, find a new bf, date him for a year, get engaged for another year, get married, and then get divorced five years later. And you'd still fall three years short of what you've got now. Marriage is just a label. The stuff in the can is the same no matter what the label says.

 

If the ring is actually an issue, just tell him not to get one. Engagement rings were invented by the diamond industry so they can make themselves richer. It's kind of silly to spend all that money on a circle with a rock on top. Tell him you'd rather go see the Grand Canyon or something worthwhile.

 

Good luck.

[hsprings121]

Well, first off we don't even live together. I wouldn't do that without at least being engaged. Knowing how he is though, I'd probably choose to wait until marriage. Everything hasn't worked out exactly fine the way things are. I don't feel like I'm moving forward in that area of my life. I haven't been happy in regards that specific issue, so of course I would want things to change.

[shadesofmediocrity]

Yes, you're being too idealistic! haha it's not a competition.

Your anxiety over getting engaged is not the only thing causing tension. I agree with what Jeremiah said - getting married is symbolic, nominal. It's the relationship itself that counts. I think it would be best to worry more about having a good relationship with his parents and having faith in your love for each other, rather than living up to your fantasies. With all the tension you seem to have around it perhaps it's best if you don't tie the knot ASAP.

[KarateKate]

I don't think you're being idealistic to expect your boyfriend to propose within a timely manner, and no one wants to have to push their boyfriend to get engaged.

 

I think you've done the right thing in deciding that you won't wait past your ten year anniversary. He's run out of excuses, and it's time to * * * * or get off the pot. However, I think it's only fair to make it clear to him that without marriage, you will have to leave the relationship. I'm not suggesting an ultimatum, but I do think he should be made aware of the situation.

 

How much have you talked to him about this? Did he say why he keeps putting it off? How long as he been telling you that a proposal is coming?

[Jeremiah Johnson]

I suppose my main point is that engagement/marriage is not real evidence of a commitment. So what if you get married? He can still divorce you. Marriages end all the time. Real evidence of commitment is longevity...and if he's been with you and stayed faithful to you for ten years, then that's more evidence than any marriage certificate will ever be.

 

You can always find people willing to write you certificates. It doesn't mean the words are worth the paper they're printed on. But finding someone that will stay with you ten years... that's worth something. Dropping that relationship would be like dropping an employee with ten years of experience who does a great job just because he doesn't have a college degree. Then you go hire someone that comes with the sheet of paper and you find out they're not good for a damn thing. It would be a shame.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I am amazed constantly about how many women can be so confident in all areas of their lives and accomplish many things like graduate degrees and careers, yet still sit around timidly waiting for a proposal like it was 1952.

 

this is your life too, and you need to be part of the decision making for important issue like when to get married. if he is dawdling around waiting for his mother's permission to marry after 10 years, i'd kick that momma's boy to the curb if he doesn't agree to step up and make plans and marry you right now.

 

If you put up with this, you'll be letting momma decide where you live and when you have kids etc. His mother should have NO INPUT into the timing of this decision. He's almost 30 for heaven's sake, and Momma needs to butt out of his relationship with you.

 

Many couples who can't afford rings get engaged anyway and buy a simple wedding ring, and then the nice engagement ring is gifted at a later date or special anniversary, like 1st anniversary, or 5th or whatever. You can also get a cubic zirconia for nothing, then replace it with a real diamond when you can afford it.

 

So many man use the 'i can't afford a ring' as a get out of jail free card to avoid proposing for years on end. Men who really want to get engaged do it no matter what the circumstances, with or without a ring.

 

So if you want to be an equal partner, and he isn't stepping up, then it is time to tell him he has until X date to propose (10th anniversary), and if he doesn't do it by then, you're going to take it a firm indication that his mommy is ruling his life and there is no room for you in it. I suspect that he may just be using his Mom as an excuse too, and the important thing is that no excuse really applies, other than he didn't want to get married yet so trotted out a routine set of excuses to avoid it.

 

Many women don't get the proposal they want, but really, that is just a moment in time and lots of fantasies in life don't turn out as planned. Your best bet is to tell him how you are feeling, that he has already wrecked the proposal by dragging his feet for 10 years and being more interested in pleasing his mother than in pleasing you, so if he wants to marry you, he'd better step up NOW and then you can both work on planning your dream wedding that will obliterate your negative memories of his non-proposal for 10 years.

 

You're a grown woman and need to be an equal partner, so remind him of that and give him a chance to make it right. If he still waffles, then kick him to the curb.

[SapphireNoir10]

You aren't being superficial, I can understand you wanting to get engaged after ten years and it does sound like he's putting it off maybe because he feels marrying you will disappoint his family. He's giving you excuse after excuse if he knew he'd be proposing within so many years he could have started ages ago he could have put a but of money a week. Personally I wouldn't marry someone who put there family before me. Also I'd want him to really want to propose.

 

You should talk to him and tell him why your not excited

[abitbroken]

He is talking about it. I think saying that it has to be by your tenth anniversary is crazy. If it is within the next year, if it were me, that would be good enough. It is not like he is saying he doesn't want to get married. maybe he is waiting for the right moment.

 

Maybe he doesn't propose right away because he figures the wedding should be a certain interval after the engagement. Maybe you need to hint that you can be engaged longer than that interval? Dunno.

 

I have seen good relationships go down the tubes because a gal doesn't get a chistmas proposal but a valentine's one.

[waveseer]

So, you've been together ten years and you can resolve any issue that comes up in your relationship. Except this one? I think you need to share your feelings with him honestly and openly. I have a feeling that your relationship has lasted this long because you accommodated him and not he other way around about more than just this one issue.

[Hope75]

I understand you have waited a long time. But, you were very young when you started- 17 and in high school. 27 is a good age to start thinking about getting married, you are both educated and into your careers, so logistically it makes sense that this is the time.

 

I understand you feel bitter and upset that you have waited a long time, but are you going to let that resentment take away any joy at getting a proposal and actually getting married to him? At this point it seems like you feel it's something he owes you rather than something you would be excited to accept.

 

If so, I wonder if you should be considering marriage with this guy at all.

[hsprings121]

He already told me it's going to be a longer than normal engagement (I'm guessing probably 2 years if he doesn't find a way to drag it out longer). He tells me certain deadlines (like a couple of years ago he said we would be living together by this coming summer), but the closer it gets to these deadlines the more they are pushed back again.

 

The last time we really talked about this issue was in October. He then told me things would happen in "a few months". It's been a few months and nothing. Right now he's telling me "a few months". He tells me the hold up is because "people (probably meaning his parents) don't approve". We've been together so long, I don't see how another couple of years is going to suddenly make them approve. It seems like they're trying to buy time to convince him not to marry me. When we were younger he told me his mother told him she would not come to his wedding if he got married before 30. He's told me more recently he's been trying to negotiate this and got his parents to agree around 29- which come to think of it isn't that much of a compromise.

[redrose85]

I don't know... if you're not close to his family, chances aren't good. Sure, you started dating at 17, but it's been 10 years. I know a couple who started dating at 16, and she was ansty for a proposal at 22. They got married this summer. She is just starting out as a bank clerk, and he is in school. Money is such a poor excuse. 10 years IMO is way too long.

[SapphireNoir10]

Hes clearly a mommys boy, he'll do whatever she wants. And he'll keep telling you in 'two years' and you'll still be waiting for his commitment.

 

Sit down with him and seriously ask him whate it is he wants, and whether the family thing will stop him from ever truly commiting.

[Nkaleidoscopic]

Ok - I think I skimmed through it and assumed the thing about the ring.

 

10 years is a valuable commitment - but you don't live together . I think things [can] change pretty drastically when you live together, so you might risk losing the relationship.

[Hope75]

If this is more about his parents' approval than you may be waiting a lot longer then the 10 you already have.

 

I'm not sure why at 27 he's letting his parents call the shots. Do you think he would have proposed earlier if it were not for them?

 

How do they treat you now?

[hsprings121]

If this is more about his parents' approval than you may be waiting a lot longer then the 10 you already have.

 

I'm not sure why at 27 he's letting his parents call the shots. Do you think he would have proposed earlier if it were not for them?

 

How do they treat you now?

 

Yeah, that's why I'm not sure I believe him when he says "soon". He says he would have proposed a while ago if it were up to him. Who knows though. I guess he doesn't want to cause any rifts with the family.

 

His family mostly ignores me. It's strange because I've met a lot of my friends' families and they are so welcoming. Some of our mutual friends have met his family as well and they have also commented on the fact that they aren't very warm or welcoming. I went to one of his family parties more recently and thought things would be different because he's been telling me his grandparents wanted to meet me. Other than a "hello" I didn't get much else. Oh, wait, there was that one moment where they actually pointed out to me that no one was talking to me. ](*,) It was very uncomfortable for me. They don't speak much english and my boyfriend kind of left me to fend for myself. His parents (who do speak english) weren't any better. I can't believe that whole time they never once asked me a single question about myself.

 

His mom kind of intimidates me. When we first started dating he told me she thought that I was too short for him (we have about an 8 inch height difference). She also said that my family was probably frugal/stingy based on the area that my parents were from. I also have a beauty mark on my face and she told him that means that I'll be a widow (hence if he marries me he will die early). She also told him that he has to take into consideration my family's health history of cancer and heart problems, etc. Oh, she also doesn't think that my career is good enough. He told me that she would try to fix him up with girls from her work, but he would decline. I know I should try to be friendlier towards her, but I just don't know how to get past all that.

 

The good thing is though, he doesn't spend a lot of time with them due to work. I'm thinking if we were to end up together, I wouldn't have to deal with them frequently.

[Nkaleidoscopic]

I feel that if this is related to the family, a guy at 27 waiting to satisfy his parents just has no backbone. Isn't he in love with you? Doesn't he want to sweep you off your feet? Doesn't he want to live with you and snuggle with you at night? I don't think those things are idealistic.

 

I think family is very important, but at that age I would be hesitant to really build my life around my parents.

 

Even at my age, I respect them and consider all their advice, but I ultimately make my own decisions about my life and my future.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

>>He says he would have proposed a while ago if it were up to him.

 

But is IS up to him!! his mother isn't marrying you, he is! That is such a silly statement to make from any perspective, but it shows you that he is either being controlled by his parents (and allowing that), or else it is another lame excuse.

 

I'd be very worried that you might wait another 3 years and he'll have more excuses. It's like he and his parents are the decision makers, and you just passively have to sit around waiting for them to decide how your life will be.

 

I think you need to be far more proactive here, and let him know that you need to be part of the decision making for things like when to get engaged. And why have a long engagement when you've already been together for 10 years? That makes no sense at all.

 

I think you really need to let him know that he'll lose you if he doesn't step up soon. I think he things he has all the time in the world, and that you'll never leave no matter what he decides. And sooner or later his mother might find someone else for him, or bully him into leaving you for someone else.

[Circe]

This is just my 2c but I think you should tell him that you've been thinking about it and you propose an engagement by your 10yr anniversary with a reasonable engagement period of 10 months. And a wedding date set on the date of the engagement that you will tell people about immediately.

 

Say if he isn't prepared to do that after 10 years and after saying you are the one and he wants to marry you - but for his parents - then you will deem him not emotionally strong and independent enough to be a suitable life partner for you. Ie too much a mummy's boy.

 

Of course, say it nicer than that ;-)

 

I think it's ridiculous, honey. Because you say he is otherwise a great boyfriend, I won't think the worst of him - but this is honestly ridiculous. He shouldn't let his parents say that stuff about you - he should set appropriate boundaries for them when it comes to your relationship. Of course they can give their opinion and advice but the way they are doing it is totally inappropriate.

[Circe]

My fiance and I knew each other for years before we started dating. When we started, his dad thought I wasn't good enough for him.

 

My fiance very forcefully told his dad why he thought I was the fantastic, wonderful woman he thought I was and why I was more than good enough for him.

 

His dad was so taken by how forceful my fiance was about this that he actually took the time to try to get to know me. His dad is now one of my biggest fans.

 

Your guy needs to stand up for you or he enables his parents treatment of you!

[bulletproof]

When we first started dating he told me she thought that I was too short for him (we have about an 8 inch height difference). She also said that my family was probably frugal/stingy based on the area that my parents were from. I also have a beauty mark on my face and she told him that means that I'll be a widow (hence if he marries me he will die early). She also told him that he has to take into consideration my family's health history of cancer and heart problems, etc. Oh, she also doesn't think that my career is good enough. He told me that she would try to fix him up with girls from her work, but he would decline. I know I should try to be friendlier towards her, but I just don't know how to get past all that.

 

Why on earth is he telling you all the awful things his mother says? That is extremely poor judgment on his part.

 

What he should have been doing all these years is trying to create a good relationship between his mother and you. And if his mother had/has nothing nice to say, he should tell her he doesn't want to hear it.

 

It's very manipulative for him to tell you these things and shameful that he doesn't stand up to his parents, especially at his age. Are you sure you want to marry someone like this?

[purpleJ]

I was also gonna say just give it a bit of time and im sure its just around the corner.

But from what you describe IMO he is putting it off because of his family not approving it. He obviously is a mummys boy but why do they have so much control over him on this matter? I'm guessing..only from seeing similar situations around me..his parents might be giving him more logical reasons on why he shouldnt get married or why he shouldnt marry you. After all they know him the best and they know what to say to make him think twice about it..

I feel for you..you need to discuss this with him and mybe let him know of your time frame

 

Also keep in mind if they have the power to stop him from proposing/influence his decision making in regards to your relationship, what else are they gonna interfer with once you are married?