I'm in so much pain...

[Decaf08]

I'm just very very very upset right now, I just can't seem to understand why I have to put up with all these ups and downs in my life. It seems as though I cannot lead a normal relationship like everybody else. I'm a man, I'm supposed to be strong and not fall into my emotions everybody says. But right now, I'm just really upset...and for the first time in a long time tears are coming out.

 

Life has not been kind to me lately. Not one bit. November was pretty much a month of assignments and I had final exams up until Mid December. The stress was bad enough, and to top this off I start the holiday break by having somebody I love so much break up with me.

 

I am torn...

 

Here's the story:

 

I've known this girl for 2 years, we've dated for 6-7 months. (let's just say that I was very patient with her, there was some tension that had been built up, due to distance and what not it was difficult for us to get together). There was a lot of chemistry in the relationship, we were romantic, we connected on many levels and we had plenty of intimacy. I was the happiest man on the planet when she told me that for the last 2 years she really liked me. But things became distant when she went away for school again. (Again why the distance?). I've tried my best to maintain the relationship by calling, driving to her place. But I knew I messed up when I realized that I called her once a week. I thought I was giving her space to finish her thesis. Boy I was wrong.

 

Well, I was wrong. The last time I saw her before the break up she asked whether the relationship was worth pursuing since the distance was making it difficult for the both of us. We talked things out and agreed that we should put some effort into making this work out. This was the same weekend that I really wanted to tell her I love her. Unfortunately I never got the chance to.

 

The following week, she texted me, told me she was very upset, her thesis proposal was rejected and now she had no time to do things as planned. As she had to redo everything for the entire month of November, we did not get to talk as much nor did we see each other. I maintained my efforts in contacting her, sending messages through text, calling for a few minutes, even offering to see her. But she said she had no time.

 

Before the finals started she sent me the messenger of death. She said we needed to talk. My heart sank and I knew that things were making a turn for the worse. Throughout my exam period I had the overlooming thought above my head as I wrote my exams. But during this period I still tried to maintain contact with her.

 

Once the exams were over, she came back to town for the holidays, and that was when we saw each other for the last time. She broke it off.

this was what she said.

 

-we were in a long distance relationship, it was a gamble that didn't work out

-now that she was in another city, pursuing another degree, she claims to have changed.

-she had been in relationships for the last couple of years and now she just wants to take a break, she wants to explore the possibility of seeing other people

-she felt that any feelings for me were not the same today as they were during the summer.

 

Although she was tearing up and starting to get the sniffles, I could not put any expression on my face (I knew she was hating me for this). Truth was, I was in shock, and disappointment. But I was not going to portray weak behaviour, not at this fragile moment. During the break up I didn't beg, I nodded with what she said, and I didn't plead (I definitely did not pull the "But I Love YOUUU" threat).

 

I didn't blame her, pointed fingers, I only mentioned that anything I said at this point would not change her mind right now. She mentioned that we could still communicate and that she didn't mind, but I declined by shaking my head. I hugged her, wished her a Merry Christmas and wished her the best with her thesis.

 

We parted ways, and I walked to my car, which felt like forever as the pain ripped my body and soul into pieces as the Christmas music was blasted in full.

 

So here I am, freshly wounded, and wishing for better. I miss her, I miss the connection that we had, I miss her nerdiness, our shared tastes and musical abilities, the intimacy with her, her beautiful blue eyes, I wish I told her that I loved her, and that I should have contacted her more often.

 

 

I still want to get back with her, it really felt that we weren't given a chance to actually work out any issues that we had, and that circumstances of distance and work didn't even give us the chance to really experience anything. I've been on NC since. Aside from a txt mentioning that she changed her cell phone number, I haven't heard from her, nor has she heard from me. I've been trying to get my mind off her by hanging out with friends and family. But sometimes the thought of her just creeps up and stabs my heart again. It also doesn't help that her birthday is but a month away...

 

But I'm not sure what to do anymore, I want to go on dates, meet more people, but every time I do, I have to deal with rejection time after time. I have been hurt very bad in the past in such a way that I always have a poker face to protect myself from experiencing pain again. It seems as this breakup justifies the "mask" that I need to wear once again.

 

Please help, I need inspiration for hope...

 

Thank you.

[Truffle786]

Hi there,

Well, what you describe is what we all go through in life. And we all feel the pain that you are feeling at the moment, its totally natural and normal. Break ups can be extremely painful. Most of them are. You can't turn off your feelings, it takes time to get over someone you love. And it never feels right to let them go, we always want to hold on to them and not meet someone new, so maybe try to spend time on your own for a bit.

I think you handled the break up really well, you knew that begging and pleading and saying: I love you would only make it harder for both of you as she has already made her mind up, just shows how much you care for her and that you wanted to make it as easy as possible for her. Don't beat yourself up for not telling her you love her, or not calling more often. You cared, and when someone cares the other side just knows it. Give yourself some time to heal, trust this process and its ups and downs and forwards and backwards, you'll come out a stronger person in the end of it all.

NC is very important, this person (for now, who knows what the future brings, I really do believe that if its meant to be it will happen at one point) is not a part of your life, its not easy but you have to maintain it if you want to let go and move on.

It maybe a tough time for you at the moment, but I've learned that these times pass, and its part of life, we all go through tough times. Somtimes we're happy without a care in the world, and sometimes we have to face the difficulties that life throws at us. Its only so we can move forward, and thats what you're doing, you're going through your exams and a break up - but you'll have a lot more wisdom + a degree if you just try to get past this. Stay strong, it'll get easier and I'm sure that theres a lot of happiness waiting for you around the corner.

[catfeeder]

My heart goes out to you. If it's any comfort, you did the perfect breakup. Dignity in person, then dignity in NC. You've left room for her to reconsider in the future because her respect for you remains in tact. You didn't blow that like most people do.

 

I wouldn't be concerned with any rebounders not working out--they're not supposed to. You won't find relief and healing from someone else, that needs to happen from the inside, out. Then you get to bring yourself into next good relationship healed and whole--just as you'd want someone to be for you. Anything short of that is a band-aid, and those don't hold for long.

 

It's okay--we all try to talk ourselves into believing we're ready when we're not exactly. It's a decision, and you don't quite sound ready to go there yet.

 

I hope you'll keep your thread alive and journal with it. I have more to say that I hope you'll find positive and helpful, I'm just in need of sleep at the moment.

 

Head high, and in your corner.

[SighSob]

Decaf08, first off congratulations for the strenght you showed. When my girl gave me the exact same lines - "feelings changed" "I have changed" "need space" - I pretty much lost all of my dignity...not that I regret it all, but it's embarrassing when I think about it now.

 

Now, stick to no contact and be strong. Remember you're not alone in this. We've all been there or being there right now, it's hard but you will survive and you'll definitely be happy again.

[Strung_Out00]

I'm sorry, and I know how it feels to be tossed out into the cold. It's gonna be a rough up and down ride. You're going to feel the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. When those lows hit and you're feeling hopeless, you just need to imagine a big strong hand grabbing your shirt and pulling your face out of the mud. Your spirit is stronger than you will ever know. It's what keeps men alive during war or those fighting grave illness.

 

Don't force yourself to date or fall for someone else. Don't mask it. Like Lito said you need to live for yourself for a bit. Find yourself. Do what makes YOU happy for a little bit. But at the same time, don't forget to spread your love to others in your life.

 

Even though she may not want you, doesn't mean that others don't appreciate your kind heart and kind gestures.

 

Take the time to really feel what you feel. No, really. FEEL IT, but don't dwell. Let yourself feel, then feel yourself heal and move on. Little by little, you'll feel less, and heal more. Sounds ridiculous, but it does work.

[Decaf08]

Thanks for the posts guys, reading it really let's me know that I'm on the right path towards healing.

 

I think it's been a little more than just a week of no contact. Haven't heard from her, nor have I've been doing anything to expose myself to her. I deleted her off facebook a few days ago just so that I won't be put in a world of hurt when things happen in her life. And I've removed her off messenger. I've saved all my texts, all her contact info onto a memory card, stored it away, and deleted everything off my computer that would remind me of her in any shape or form.

 

As for sleep, I've only dreamt of her twice. I find that a lot of us get these dreams once in a while, reminding us of our exes in a good light. But for the most part these dreams tend to make us yearn for them even more. But lately I've been managing my sleep alright and thus far only had these dreams:

 

1st dream: I see her in a dress, we were getting ready to go somewhere, someplace important. I think it was a fancy dinner party. Nothing important, I woke up in the morning wondering what that as about.

 

2nd dream:

The dream occurred in a shade of red and pink. It was a first person view of me surfing the net, until I got a facebook message from her. We chit chat, and told each other how we cared for each other, and then she brings up the dreaded words, "I'm seeing someone else right now and I'm very happy". "I think this relationship is great and that I wanted to tell you this not to lead you on.".

 

In the dream I felt hurt, but yet again, I didn't plead nor beg nor bargain wth her. I wished her the best and before the dream could continue I was arubtly woken up when my cat jumped on my head.

 

As for things going on right now, I'm still in a state of hurt, I still love her but I'm realizing that I truly have to move on. Not doing so would mean I wallow in self pity, not heal, and I'd destroy any chance of getting back with her or meet someone new.

[Decaf08]

Happy New Years everybody!

 

Just came back from a New Years party, got dressed, got a haircut, and partied. I also brought a date to the party. She was very into me, very flirty, and I sensed vibes coming from my date. Yet at the same time, something was still tugging at me.

 

As much as I wanted to have as much fun, deep down the thoughts of her with someone else in bed tonight pretty much got to me...

 

It was pretty hard and painful to accept that it may happen.

 

I really miss her right now...

 

Looking forward to a wonderful 2009 though...

[Decaf08]

I guess it was really over... no communication of a merry xmas, no text of Happy New Year...

 

I find it interesting that she would even ask for friendship in the first place...actions speak louder than words. Either she just doesn't give a rats ass, or she's possibky hurt as well?

 

(keep in mind we were friends before we started dating)

 

any thoughts or personal experiences?

[catfeeder]

Here's to a better 2009, Decaf. I wouldn't judge the lack of contact too harshly. Nobody can be friends right after a breakup without fooling themselves. It's trying to have it both ways. In real friendship, neither person can hold an agenda or else it's just manipulation. Well, right after a breakup, one person wants the other back while the other feels guilty and obligated. You sound too smart for that cr@p, and she knows it.

 

For some reason, lots of people adopt the idea that it's mature and reasonable to be friends with exes, even when there's no children to co-parent. I think too many kids from broken homes grew up to believe that this is how adults do things, or something. But BULL. It's unnecessary and even self-destructive.

 

How about this--if you want to manipulate, try doing it to yourself. Hah! No, seriously, you're really not required to ditch whatever hopes might help you take baby steps toward your own recovery. My private method might not be popular because all the straight talk suggests accepting what you just plain can't accept right now. I don't disagree with straight talk, I've just never been able to pull it off without tricking myself. I've always cultivated little 'reward' ideas of how things will play out in my future. I sometimes think of them as my 'triumph fantasies'.

 

For instance, while mine were not about reconciling, exactly, I've told myself that when I see him again in 6 months or a year, I'll have lost 5 years off my appearance, gained a promotion at work, lost 10 pounds, regained my self respect, finished my master's degree, and I'll be fAbulous. He will see me as being better off without him, and he'll be sorry--and I'll be proud.

 

Point is, this kind of thinking is what got me out of bed every morning feeling more energized and more determined to enforce 'no contact' for at least 6 months. So what if it was delusional, the goal spared me self abuse. Sure enough, the whole fantasy started to weaken and matter less and less over time as I started engaging healthy pursuits once again. My revenge is that I did become fAbulous--to the degree that I stopped caring whether he'll ever be sorry, or not.

 

If you believe that things could work out with your ex in the future, then make a window of time for that goal so you'll understand that 'future' does not mean 'now'.

 

Then you're free to work on yourself and deal with the future later--when you're on higher ground.

 

In your corner.

[Decaf08]

So far I've been reading a lot of material, on the forums and in books for inspiration on healing. It's been tough, but tomorrow will be two weeks since the break up and two weeks of NC.

 

I've been getting quite a number of dreams that involve her and they're as of follows

 

1) Getting dressed for dinner

2) Getting an IM from her saying that she has a new BF

3) Going to school and walking past her without caring about her

4) Going on a roadtrip with her

5) Cuddling and making out on a sofa with her

6) Driving by her place, going inside, seeing her, but realizing that she is no longer my special someone.

 

A mutual friend on Facebook made a comment on one of the tagged photos of her, and I pretty much saw that she's been moving on pretty quickly and enjoying herself. It makes me wonder if she was going through any tough times at all. Secondly, I've heard that she's made a new male "friend" at the party. Paranoia much? It's like a kick to the teeth.

 

At the same time, I've been reading the getting back together forums, and they're so inspirational. I know I haven't mucked up the chances by driving her away, but yet at the same time, the distance between us seems to be moving her away from the chances of reconciliation.

 

Her birthday is coming up, People on the board scream of NC all the way, my friends tell me to keep the door open, not to burn any bridges because she's temporarily in another city until September. Perhaps we could work something out? I really do miss her. It wasn't just a physical attraction that we had, it was also the intellectual and emotional attraction that we had for each other before she "changed" in 2 months of school.

 

My mind is moving on, i've been going to parties meeting a lot of girls, getting intimate with them and etc But it's not the same... She's still in my heart. And I will accept that she was at one point very important to me.

[Decaf08]

Nothing much happening right now, School starts tomorrow, I look forward to it. In one way it was a blessing that we had LD before we broke up. I can focus on school, meet new people without even having to worry about questions such as "who's this new friend of yours" not like it mattered anyway.

 

Woke up in the middle of last night and reflected on what I've done during the Christmas break, to be frank it was * * * * ty in the sense that my business prospects are facing financial humps, my health diagnosis wasn't great, and the fact that my former love took my tender and put it to the blender.

 

I've been working out again, learning to cook, and cleaned up my pig sty that I called my room. It's a lot cleaner than what it used to look like, I still have work to do. I've connected with close friends (I have a big list to call up still), connected with family, and learnt quite a bit about myself.

 

I realized that this break up wasn't as painful as the last major break up. Talk about desensitization over the course of dating!

 

As for self reflection I realize that she wasn't the best for me, I went over a couple of things that had me realize that she wasn't the caring person that I thought she was based on our last interaction as a couple (my birthday):

 

-while we were together, she didn't wish me a Happy Birthday

-while getting together friends for my birthday, she didn't really want to come back and meet up for dinner, instead she went to the graduate students graduation party

-When I did see her on the weekend, she made me feel crappy by questioning the relationship, and still didn't wish me a Happy Bday until the day I left for home just as I walked out the door.

- we didn't even have sex as she was a) too busy b) too tired RED FLAGS!!!

- despite me showing up for that weekend, she placed her friends gathering over me in terms of priority

-Despite promising that she'd make it up to me for Christmas break, she didn't do as she promised and she violated my respect by bringing up the "we need to talk" and breaking up with me.

 

It's really great to be level headed and see the relationship from a more objective point of view. It makes things so much easier to gauge. I'm glad I shook my head with her request of contacting her. I will a)call b)text her a Happy Bday, it's better to take the higher road than to ignore her on her Bday out of spite.

 

I'm improving my "moving on" stage. My mind (the logical side) has moved on and accepted the fact that she didn't play a significant role in my life. My heart is slowly accepting this fact. As friends I don't think I could accept her actions. If she violated my respect/trust/emotions as a girlfriend, she could do much worse as a friend. I understand that it's okay that she sees somebody else, and I gladly accept that I will find somebody better for me in the very very near future as long as I keep my head up high. ( I have no intentions of being single or lonely on Valentine's, I intend to date, be happy with myself and move on.)

 

Thanks for the support guys!

[Decaf08]

any thoughts or opinions on my state of mind?

Thanks.

[Decaf08]

I've discussed things with a mentor of mine and learnt that all in all it would have been a very good thing that my relationship with my ex ended. Although she was in School for her graduate studies, and still a student, she was nonetheless a career type of girl. In other words she would rather choose her career over her relationship. A major red flag that I've avoided. It was very good to know that we didn't continue our relationship otherwise I'd be stuck in a highly competitive dull, routine oriented, and possibly unhealthy future with this girl. And for many of the ENAers out there who suggest that incompatibly also plays a role in the downfall of relationships this would have been the one that would occur in the long run. I'm a very family oriented guy, I enjoy the romance, the intimacy and I would find balance between career and love instead of putting one ahead of another. It's too bad we didn't share the same beliefs. I'll eventually find somebody who does.

 

New Year, New Semester of school. I look forward to meeting new people. Romance is just around the corner.

 

And again, thanks to those out there who're reading my posts. I hope these posts have some positive effect for you guys out there.

 

And thanks to you ENAers who're posting, your advice is sound and makes plenty of sense and give an objective third perspective view when my world is still a blurry romanticized nightmare.

[Decaf08]

So I was taking a shower with the mp3 player on... a couple of songs were played really reminded me of her...it stung, a whole bunch of memories just popped into my head and made me realize that I'm still in the healing phase for the next few weeks.

 

I have to admit, I miss her, but as life would have it, I'm no longer with her so it makes plenty of sense to why I have an empty feeling on the inside.

 

Time shall heal these wounds.

[Decaf08]

Was in the library yesterday, studying my brains out as usual. Until thoughts of her slowly crept up inside my head. Too be honest she was a typical "A+" student, and it was through her I actually got off my ass and strived towards doing well in school.

 

I really missed her and I was very tempted to text her in the library. But my mind went into override and stopped it from happening. conflict between the mind and the heart.

 

Right now, it's very tempting to figure out what she's up to on facebook but I know nothing good could come out of it. I'm feeling a bit of sadness, and a lot of indifference towards the past relationship and her in general. I kind of feel sad that it will come to this...but it seems to be the right path to moving on.

[Mutley]

Good job. Don't text here.

 

Keep her removed from your life so you heal and you can get on with things.

[Decaf08]

I'm having yet another one of those moments....gawd....I miss her so much...I realized where I went wrong, and why the relationship ended.......bah....now it really hurts I just really want to tell her that I figured out what happened, but I don't know how... I can't even seem to cry about it...the tears won't even come out.

[Decaf08]

This is so much bull * * * * ...I can't even seem to get a date, all the girls I've been talking to have boyfriends. This girl who I find very hot, we clicked right away but I find out today that she's got a boyfriend. I really feel like smashing a cinder block to my head. I want to date, I really want to go see what's out there. I'm a proactive person and not a fan of wallowing in despair. I will not play the homewrecker game. I've done it before, and it's never worked out due to guilt or just kharma coming back on me. One major caveat to the situation is that it is winter, many females are usually in relationships during this season. It really makes me wonder if I just have the crappiest luck when it comes to the opposite sex.

 

It really got me thinking quite a bit. I can attract girls, I can date them when I can, but I cannot seem to keep a relationship without it falling flat on my face. Is there something wrong with me or am I just another self proclaimed victim of love?

 

As for the girl that I've never expressed my full emotions for, I'm still hurting from the regret. I knew I should have told her I loved her, I knew I should have seen her more often. But it's too late now. No chance of that happening in the past, in the present, not even the future. I really hate the fact that I'm stuck between a rock and a very hard place. It doesn't help that

I really miss my ex right now. Her birthday is right around the corner, and I'm just pretty frustrated with the situation. I'm conflicted with the NC yet I loved her enough not to be a * * * * . I want to wish her a happy bday but I'm not interested in getting my heart torn again. I really want to get back with her and actually show her that I realized what went wrong, and how I've changed.I know what has to be done if reconciliation was to happen. But seriously, I don't seem to understand why my heart keeps bringing out memories of her. In terms of yearning for exes, Hope is the first step to disappointment. I shouldn't be focused on getting her back, I need to heal. There's never been an ex that I've never loved. Just that this one would never know that I loved her. It's tragic.

[Decaf08]

I'm just going to lay low...until next week...I don't even seem to see a point in posting anymore, it just lets me vent vent vent, but there doesn't seem to be any feed back except for the occasional post...blah...

[Decaf08]

Couldn't sleep much always being woken up by the cat...

 

I've had a couple of dreams in the last week

 

- I got back with her, it was a long and grueling process, we make out and etc... it was as if the break up was meant to be for the survival of the relationship in the long run

 

-I get another dream where I'm in some familiar place, then a song that we both enjoyed while together plays.

 

That's when I wake up, and realize that it was all a dream...

 

If dreams have a part of our lives, and are a reflection of what is happening or what may happen in the future, I'm quite hesitant as to what to expect...

[Decaf08]

31 Days of NC broken...I wished her a Happy Birthday. Yes I took the high road. Yes this set me back. No, I will still survive. I miss her so much, she'll never know...

[Decaf08]

1 month later, a quick update just for those who thought I did something really silly.

 

Pure NC. All thanks to sports, getting fit (I have Abs now!) meeting new people (Have went on a couple of dates, and wow, did I ever put her on the pedestal!). Eating healthy. And very focused on school. I got my grad pics, a few more assignments here, a couple of exams there, and I get my degree! I haven't heard from, looked at, spoke to her for quite some time.

 

Yes from time to time, those creepy little thoughts do come into my head. But I've noticed that I'm more able to control them and move my thoughts towards more productive thoughts. I feel much more stronger now, and I've learnt so much about myself, what I needed to focus on, what I still need to focus on right now.

 

I've seen the mistakes I made during the relationship. I've understood the mistakes she made in the relationship as well. For the most part, I'm starting to forgive her for the things that were done.

 

Despite the harshness of a breakup, it's amazing how we rebuild ourselves bit by bit into something new, something better, and for the most part somebody with a new direction in life.

 

Thanks for the support guys!