Afraid if i dont act so its over

[superloser]

Hello Im new here iv been lurking for awhile now and finally got the guts to post this.I guess i should talk a little about me give any potential readers a better idea off my situation.

 

Im 24 m i have social phobia,social anxiety,general anxiety, moderate depression,extremely shy and have very low self esteem. OK NOW thats out in the open. So heres my problem a few months ago i met this woman on a dating type site. She dosent live to far from me about an hr or so. We've been talking off and on for a few months now. I'd like to think that we have hit if of pretty well it took a little bit to open up to each of and tell each other about our issuses and things from our past.But after we did things were much easier to talk about and know that nothing will be judged.At first i wasnt really thinking anything would come from it other then another online friend and i was fine with that at the time. I mean ive been alone now for 24 yrs so im used to being single and not having many friends so i guess when your already empty inside you cant get more empty so online friends are a big thing i guess.

 

But after talking for a few weeks and realizing that we had alot in common and have both been in pretty dark places at times. I helped her through a couple of bad events and was her shoulder to cry on so to speak it didnt matter what i had going on i didnt care i just wanted her to be happy and to make it through what she was going through. I realized that i do want more then having her just as an online friend. So a little more time goes by she gives me her number. This was a big deal for me as stupid as that sounds.I told her that it wouldnt be easy for me to call cause im really shy and just fear of saying the wrong things or saying something then realizing it wasnt the best way to say or just not be able to talk at all freeze up and feel like an idiot she understood and was and still is cool with it i guess.

 

So now here i am still have not been able to call her.Instead i sent an email telling her how i feel and that i do want to go from online to real life and that if she didnt want the same to tell me so i wouldnt beat myself over it if it isnt both ways. I was expecting this to weird her out or rub her the wrong way. It did neither and she wants the same as i do the only thing preventing it is me. I know that this as been a bit of a bore and if your still reading thank you i swear im almost done and am getting to the point. Ok so this is where things stand now she met a guy and spends alot of time with him hes married possibly getting a divorce soon may not i dont know. I dont want to let her slip away but i feel i already have. If i dont call her and just keep it to online which recently isnt good cause shes not on to much anymore and when she is it just hurts cause i cant actually talk to her and see where things go.Nothing can happen but i dont get hurt since im not getting shot down.Or i call and hopefully build a better friendship and and eventually met and hit it off or not atleast take the chance to see where things go either it be friends or more i wouldnt care just having her in my life would be enough.

 

So i guess really just need advice as of what to do and how to go about doing it and get over my stupid fear of calling her. Thanks for reading this i feel like an * * * * * * * for writing all this but i have no one to go to so any advice and better then none i suppose. Thanks again in advance. This wasnt easy to do but i just had no one to go to and im tired of feeling pathetic.Sorry if there are typos or things out of place i couldnt re read it if i had id probably delete it so yea thats it

 

later

[Raistlin]

First off - It irks me that you think so poorly of yourself that you chose that particular screenname.

 

To me, it sounds like you're afraid of life in general; afraid to get out there and take risks or lead a healthy social life.

 

After taking a minute to think it over, I realized that my normal advice (Just do it!) wouldn't apply here. If it's as big of a problem as you're making it out to be, you may want to consider counseling to overcome your social anxiety/phobia.

 

It doesn't make you any less of a person or inferior to anyone in any way. I'm going to seek some therapy to change my lines of thinking because I, too, have some issues I need to work out.

 

If you think you can overcome your fear without professional help, then I suggest just picking up the phone and calling your friend for a quick 15 minute phone call. Keep it light - talk about the same types of things you would online. Don't try to make it heavy, and avoid topics you may find it hard to keep speaking about. Remember to include her in the conversation. It's OK to trip over words... most girls think it's cute that they'd stutter in their presense the first time... as long as you try to appear confident and gain confidence.

[superloser]

thanks for replying as far the name i know im a loser so i try not to take myself to serious.

And for the social phobia/anxiety iv been on meds for a while know tell seem to be helping some what its still bad but not as bad iv considered seeing a shrink but with out health insurence and already paying for the meds out of my pocket i dont wana have more thinks to pay for. I really wish it was as easy as just doing it but its not the case. I mean i plan on doing it sooner or later i just fear that the later it is the less it will matter

[Shadows Light]

I agree with Staveandor.... have you sought counseling for your phobia's?

 

Chatting on line sometimes can be easier since you have the time to think about what you want to write and edit. Soooo... before you call her, rehearse a bit.

 

For instance... when I am calling on a business client, I will write down questions I want to ask or map out the meeting agenda. That way I know I will cover all the points in the conversation.

 

Have you saved any of your on-line conversations? if not how do you usually start out??? do you ask her how her day was? Whats new?

 

Write these questions down... and also write down responses to how you usually answer her questions ......

 

If you do a little bit of preparing then the task of picking up the phone and talking to her won't be as difficult.

[superloser]

i have not sought counseling for my phobias other then the med im on. I make things worse then they are by over thinking things too and i know that isnt helping matters the slightest bit. I guess it makes to sense to rehearse the call which i do try to but just cant call its so stupid.

[Shadows Light]

Ever read "The feeling good handbook" by David Burns ?? You might want to pick up a copy. Good self-help book. It continuely surprises me everytime I hear of someone on meds who is not in counseling also.

Taking only the meds is a band-aid to your issues. It does nothing to re-train you or teach you how to cope, or the coping skills you need.

You might consider trying to find a counselor to help you with some of that instead of going at it alone.

 

I don't know how to talk you into picking up that phone and calling her.

That is something you will have to do on your own. Try pre-writing the script... so at least you have a piece of paper to look at when you call.. if you should get lost. have a pen and paper near by to doodle or take notes.

 

Before you call.. go take a nice long hot shower. It might relax you. Put on clean nice clothes as if you were going out on a date. Looking your best and feeling your best, even if she won't see you and this is on the phone... might help your confidence level. I remember a HS teacher once telling us there was a study once done which indicated that students who came to class during test time dressed up in their Sunday best scored higher on tests... it boosts your confidence level. That little trick hasn't failed me yet. If I have an important meeting, I'm all done up in my best suit...I walk taller, sit taller, sound more confident. It's like putting on a suit of armor. try it.

 

But only YOU can talk yourself into calling her.

 

BTW... you will have to stop ...STOP beating on yourself so hard. As the previous poster stated.. your on line handle.. "SUPERLOSER" does nothing for self confidence. Get some books on self-esteem building. Read up.

If you have to write on 3x5 cards..self-affirming statements and post them all over your house.. read them out loud and internalize them. Build yourself up. and if you don't believe it...well then FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT.

[cruzer]

Simply put, just do it.

 

Im very similar to you, im very negative about me, my life, and just in general. I dont think i have any problems (anxiety or social problems, tho i am very shy). i met this girl at work, i thought she was very good looking, but i would never ever talk to her or ask her out. she starts smiling at me, saying bye, and talking to me, asking about me, even though i felt she was out of my league, i could not help but feel she was interested.

 

She was the first girl i had ever asked for her phone number, and she was the first girl to give me her number. One thing i did that helped me tons is i expected a no, i expected that if she said yes, it would not work out. When i asked her for her #, she said yes, as she was writing it, i was shaking, so nervous, so excited, so shocked.

 

Although i am not with her anymore, im glad i went for it, i got experience. the next time i seen a girl i thought was pretty, i was soooooooooo tempted to turn around and ask her out before i left. I didnt, but before i had asked the first girl out, i would have never even considered it. i think that if i can ask another girl, rejection or not, whenever i feel i should ask another girl out, i bet i do it, just because ive done it a few times.

 

your situation is so different though, she likes you, she wants to talk to you, she wants it to go from the net to real life. I agree with your title for this thread, if u dont act soon, her feelings for u will decrease, her feelings for the other guy will increase, and u wont get that experience u need.

 

Why are u so afraid, aside from your problems? if she says no, decides she isnt into u anymore, or whatever, then u can go back to your normal self. lonely, single, etc.

 

Just think of calling her like ur email u sent her. u expected the worst, u expected it to scare her, rub her the wrong way. expect your call to go terrible, that u will bore her, that u will freeze up, so when u guys end up talking for 2-3 hours and u hang up, and u look at how long u guys talked, u will be like wow, i never expected that, im glad i did it.

 

i hope this helps, if not, atleast its not "seek counseling, therapy, etc."

[shadesofmediocrity]

I like what cruzer said.

For the situation at hand that you're asking for help with - you know what to do. It just takes courage to go through. But you can stop putting it off - you can gain something from this, even if just the experience to help you know what you're doing later on.

Like they say, good judgment comes from experience, and experience sometimes comes from bad judgment!

Friendships need upkeep. Next time you're thinking about calling her, just...do. I used to get so nervous before calling my boyfriend, but I'd just pick up the phone, dial his number, and try really hard not to think about what I was doing until he picked up. After a few times it was natural. Talking to somebody on the phone, rather than online, lets you hear their real voice and emotions and not feel as alone, I love that.

Best of luck, in these circumstances and in your life as a whole. You have to learn to crawl before you can walk

[Crazyaboutdogs]

You have to force yourself to do it. If you don't you could lose out on an amazing opportunity. I think you need some counselling to deal with these issues because over time your inability to act will cause you to spiral even further downward with depression and self-loathing. If this woman is interested in someone else now then perhaps she got tired of waiting for you to act. Perhaps there is still time and you should just bite the bullet and call her up. Even if she is interested in someone else, use this as a first step towards gaining more self-confidence.

[superloser]

you are all right i know only i can do it and it feel like brad pitts brother stu pitt for even posting all that i did. Im at my wits end with being single and alone.But im also very scarred of the idea of being in a relationship most people date in the teens or even younger and work out all the kinks.Im 24 and i have now idea about the opposite sex.They are like aliens from a far off world that i know nothing about.Have you ever seen that movie what planet are you from its about an alien that comes to earth to have a child but does not know anything about women thats me lol and the 40 year old virgin that movie was me in a nutshell how he got all weird out about talking about sex.So basically im just super worried about all the awkwardness that i should have already went through.

[cruzer]

Again im right here with you. im 19, the only girlfriends i have had were stupid crap in middle school that gave me no experience. as i posted above this girl showed interest in me, and i had NEVER asked a girl out, or for her #, ever...

 

i went for it and i got it. we went out a couple times, then it ended. it was my first date, went picked her up, paid for it, dropped her back off, etc. i had no idea before the date what i was going to do, what i was supposed to do but i got in my car and drove to her house and again went for it.

 

now when i meet someone else, ive already asked a girl out/for her #, ive already been on a date, i know what i did and i know what to expect.

 

I think there are a couple of things to just have to come to realize. Your not alone as far as being at ur age and not having experience. im only 19 and im a virgin, finally got my first date, etc. If u go to the kissing section of this website, (not meaning harm here) there are people in their 30s who have never kissed a girl. your not alone, i promise.

 

you will never have the experience u need, or be able to work out the kinks if u never go for it. i realize how intimidating it is, and its not simple to just say "im picking up the phone and calling her" and then doing it. but u have to do it if u ever want to be with someone. do u think when ur 30 u will meet some woman and u can be in ur first relationship and learn everything and it work out oh so perfect? there is a 99.9% chance that wont happen.

 

your next reply better be how the phone call went

[maverick554]

Its time to man up and call her! The only way your going to get past this super shyness and low self-esteem thats been holding you back and will continue to hold you back the rest of your life if you don't do something about it is to force yourself to do the things your afraid of. Once you start doing it more often it will become easier and easier very quickly and your shyness will start to fade away. If you want a relationship with this girl or any other you can't be afraid to take a chance, and you can't be afraid of getting rejected or hurt. Believe me, I know it sucks when it doesn't work out the way you want to with a girl but finding the right person in life is a trial and error system, thats just the way it is, you have to keep trying and failing before you can succeed and find the right girl for you. As for this other guy, don't be too intimidated, it would have been better if you had called when she first gave you her number when the window was more open, but its still not too late. Call her and try to take the relationship into the real world now before the window closes forever. You have nothing to lose except the uncertainty of what could have been if you did nothing. And if it doesn't work out with this one find another girl and be much more proactive, don't make the same mistakes twice. And when you do call her don't apologize that you didn't do it sooner, just play it cool, think positive, and hope for the best. Its time to man up and grow up!

[Brightest Dark]

Superloser - I have to say that I LOVE reading messages like yours because it gives me hope. I say that because I like a guy who is shy, and I once gave him my number and he never called. Once in a while I email him. Sometimes he'd email back, sometimes he wouldn't. Everyone says he's shy. He is cool when we meet in person, gives me a hug to say hi - but he is quiet and shy... but I'm quiet and shy too. I need to meet up with him again but he lives far away so it's not often we get to meet up. I keep hoping that he likes me but is just too shy... rather than he's not at all interested. He has been single for as long as I've known him too. And he seems insecure.

 

I think you need to let her know you like her. Imagine if she's like me and she loves you. Imagine how awesome it would be if you got together. Don't think of the bad things, don't worry about things, just think of the good things.

 

Could you maybe text her? Or how would you feel if she called you (maybe email her and tell her 'feel free to call me sometime'? Would you be too nervous to pick up the phone? Or just email and ask if she'd like to meet up. Just do something... You would have an amazing time together. Doing nothing is such a waste...

 

You are not a loser. You are an awesome person. And I'm glad you came and wrote on here about your problem. You have made the first step. Now try and take the second.