Still dwelling

[timLSY]

So this is going to be a long story. I've been dwelling on this for such a long time, and I know I'm going to get a lot of crap from people, but here it goes.

 

Basically both my ex and I messed up our relationship big time. It was a messy relationship so I guess I should be happy I'm out, but I still try processing what happened over and over again all day, for almost 3 months, it's driving me crazy. I guess I need some support from other people, even though I know a lot of people will say I deserve it. The thing is, I know I deserve it, and I regret a lot of things and also still feel guilty, I just don't understand how it means so little to her that she seems to have forgotten about everything so quickly and blames everything on me...

 

When we first met we were both in a relationship, this is about 2 years ago. I was in a 7 year relationship, talking about marriage and all, but for the previous year it was long distance and the few times we met things blew up, and we were on a break. She was in a 7 month relationship, she told me it was nothing serious, and she didn't see where things are going.

 

We worked together, and she started showing interest in me in a quite obvious way. I was also attracted, but also felt uncomfortable since after all, I was still contemplating whether or not to break up my 7 year relationship. So I called her out one day, found out she also had a bf, so I told her it looks like we have feelings but we're both in a relationship so let's work on that first. Then she suddenly starts crying and wailing how I can treat her like this, she doesn't want to be the 3rd person, and starts begging me to kiss her. I put her in a cab, but she came running out and kissed me. Falls on the ground drunk. Had to take her home, wouldn't let me go until I kissed her. I know this all sounds crazy and I normally wouldn't do such a thing, but I really did have genuine feelings for her and could only resist for so long.

 

I felt incredibly guilty to my gf and called her for the first time in about 3 months. Begged her to meet up and talk things through. She ignored me and went on a trip to London with her friends without telling me. So I called things off and she seemed cool about it. I went on meeting the new girl about once a week, all along venting steam off about my ex. She kept saying I'm the best thing that ever happened in her life, but to take my time. I said you should also take time but she kept saying her relationship is nothing, it's already dead. I didn't like her talking about her relationship like that but totally fell for it.

 

Fast forward 3 months, I completely broke up with my gf and was trying to take some time. Tried to meet the new girl but didn't feel comfortable, and also guilty to her since I hadn't moved on yet but she was treating me like her bf. Told her one day that I can't do this, she got pissed off and left. Then a few days later comes back and says she's still in her relationship, if I can't move on I should go back. I said it's not that I want to go back, I want to move on, and moreover don't want to be with someone still in a relationship, and then we parted. Well, we had planned to go on this trip, and a few days later I called her to make sure that the trip is not happening. She yells at me and says it can be our last fling, and then we can drift apart. Well, turns out the trip brought us too close to each other, and I started blaming her why she can't get out of her relationship if it really means so little to her and I mean so much to her. A week later she comes crying to me that she broke up. I said I'm still trying to move on, for about a week she's crying day in day night why it takes so long for me to move on. I started feeling depressed and guilty, to top things off my ex started calling me crying as well. Well I finally stopped picking up those phone calls and went out with the new girl. She's still crying all the time that she's sure I still haven't moved on but I loved her and wanted to make her happy.

 

Fast forward about a month, I visited her hometown. She stood me up all day, I had no idea where she was. Calls me in the evening crying and tells me she now understands why I had so hard a time moving on. Turns out she went to see her ex. She said that she had lied, actually she cared for him a lot, and that he was her first real love. I was enraged. Couldn't let go for about 2 months. As things were going downhill, I began to think about my ex. So I broke it off, she starts not coming to work and staying home all day sick. Got worried, started escorting her to work. At the same time, my ex's family and my family started to get involved in trying to figure out why we broke up and get us back together. Had to meet my ex to settle things out, but that was a mistake...she was still completely devastated after 6 months, and I couldn't believe what I had put her through. And I obviously still had feelings for her...and I fell in a limbo. Didn't get back with anyone or anything, just maintained contact with both. After 2 months of catering the new girl to work, convinced myself that my feelings for my ex are just memories, and tried to get back together with the new girl. She didn't want to. Then she wanted to. Then she started digging information about me and my ex, turned extremely jealous. So we went off again. But as we work together, there was always the tension...

 

3 months later met my ex again. Both were calm, talked things through, decided to part completely. By then I was also calm, decided I needed to lie back and let things go. Talked to the new girl, said that we have to go completely NC. Few days later she says it's too hard, asks me to remain friends. Because I knew how bad she can get I consented, which was again a mistake. She was also much better than she used to be, and we got naturally closer in a healthy way. After a few months thought that we could actually begin a relationship. Then my ex calls me again saying that she has second thoughts. Told her that I don't, but she came to see me anyway. Had to tell the new girl (not really new any more) even though we weren't really in a relationship, she tells me she'll never see me again. Well, I thought things happen the way they happen, let her go. Few weeks later she calls me crying while she visiting her hometown. Asks me why I let my ex come. I said it's not that I let her come, she just came on her own...can we talk when you come back? Comes back a week later, says she went back to her old bf.

 

I was shocked but accepted it. After all I also wanted out of all this mess. Also wanted to maintain a comfortable relationship with my ex, we had so much history. It was a little bit emotionally charged for a while, but I said I'm all to blame, I'm happy you guys got back together maybe we can be friends at work some months later. This is when she turns into a monster and says that it's all my fault that she went back, he's nothing, it's only because I was so slow at moving on that she needed stability. I said well, I'm still not going to do anything to someone with a bf, she says he's not really a bf, treat her well and try to win her back if I really love her. So I treated her well. Then she says she's in love with her new bf. I was sad, let her go again. Then she calls me crying again and guilt trips me. I didn't know what I was supposed to do, but I was incredibly sorry and guilty for what she had went through for the previous year, thought it was only fair that I try some more. Completely fell in her trap. 3 months of treat me well, I love my bf, calls crying. Went literally crazy. Found out that sometimes when she was crying and calling me, at the same time she was sending love letters and gifts to her new bf. Also got a tons loads of gifts out of me through guilt tripping. In my craziness, I yelled at her a couple of times and she got scared and I said I'm sorry but she wouldn't talk to me any more. When we were calm I asked her again if it's because she wants to go back and she gives me this despising look and says why does she have to be with someone, she's not like me. Then found out they got back together, I don't know when. Says that he's the love of her life and best thing that has happened to her.

 

Okay, I don't know if this will make sense but in the end I went literally crazy. I mean, really insane. Did some pranks at work that are illegal. In the end made a fool of myself, everyone just thinks I'm some * * * * * * * who can't let her go. It's true that I can be possessive and obsessive, just don't know why I have to take all the blame...and how she can claim to be so happy and take no responsibility for what she has done...and also wonder if her new bf-turned-ex has any idea what she put both of us through...?

[waveseer]

Wow, let this be a lesson to all readers what can happen to a person who tries to have their cake and eat it too.

 

So, are you ready to stop the madness yet?

[Jim2007]

You know what you need to do, just stop talking to both of them. I don't care how many times she tries to call you crying tell her to **** off. Also why are you still friends with your ex? Sure you have had a lot of history but so has everyone else on the face of the planet who has broken up. You say your still dwelling but at the same time you let your ex be a part of your life. Some people can handle a friendship with an ex and some can't and in this case you're one of those people who can't. Obviously the new girls is an emotional mess and has been since you first met her, why you let her take things this far is beyond me. I've made the same mistake as you but guess what time machines don't exist so there's not a thing you can do to change this, stop living in the past, I'm not going to say it will be easy but it's definitely necessary.

[timLSY]

ready2heal - Yep, I know what I was going to get. I know it sounds like that but it's really not like that. Look, I wasn't in a relationship with anyone for a long time, I was just lying in the background. I was completely honest to everyone about what was happening, I didn't ask for anything back. Yeah, things were crazy in the beginning. But after that all I did was chat with my ex over the phone sometimes, and talk with the other girl at work. And you don't know how crazy this girl was - threatening suicide, cutting herself, crawling on the ground in public etc.

 

Okay, I know I still deserve criticism for not being strong enough to just not care about her at all. And like I said, I know I deserve this, all I was saying that if there was someone trying to have their cake and eat it too, it was more her than me, and although I understand it's probably because I'm the guy, why it seems like I'm the evil one.

 

Jim2007 - One reason I went crazy is because she started telling everyone at work about personal things that happened, of course blaming everything on me. Obviously we're not talking to each other anymore, she's back with her ex and looks calm. Yeah, I don't know why I let her take things so far either, I think her craziness got to me while I was trying to take care of her (at least that's one thing my counsellor said, that instability is contagious...) Why am I still friends with my ex? Well, I still value our relationship and I think I can, and of course every relationship has its history and I don't mean mine was so special compared to others, but there are my own details but won't go into that. But it's not her that was crazy it was the other girl I met. And yeah, I don't mean I enjoy thinking about this nor feeling crazy, I'm trying to forget about it all but no it isn't easy. I guess I was just hoping some people wish me luck.

[Jim2007]

Well I do wish you luck, in my experience it was always very beneficial to cut the ex out of my life to speed the healing process. No one said you can't be friends a year or so down the road. I recently just started talking to an ex from like 2 years ago, after having her completely cut out of my life for that long I find it really easy to talk to her as a friend now.

[Shadows Light]

Wow.... what a soap-opera !!!! darlin you need a break from dating for a while just to recover your equilibrium.

 

Look... to your last statement about your EX GF getting her's and having her EX or who-ever he is see her for who she really is... isn't gonna happen.

 

All of us who've been black-balled by our ex's for our choices, or poor choices... who've been painted as villianous, would absolutely LOVE

for the other person to admit to their part in the relationship. But that's not usually how it happens right? The best defence is not saying anything at all. The best defence is "no defence"...it's none of anyone elses business why you broke up, what went on in the relationship, where it went wrong, no one needs a play-by-play scenario. All they need to know is that.. the two of you are no longer an item. Period. Done.

 

YOU however... have to deal with your own guilty feelings on your own. No one else can absolve you of that. If you feel you made a mistake.... and we all make mistakes.. then just own up to them to yourself and don't let history repeat itself again.

[timLSY]

Exactly. I don't mean I'm going to do anything to their relationship, honestly do feel a bit bitter but at the same time I do wish that she's happy. Honestly I guess I feel bad that I can't just completely wish that she's happy and be fine with it. I'm kind of past feeling guilty. And, I don't want to be dating anyone either, just want to forget about everything and get a clean slate of mind.

[Shadows Light]

Exactly. I don't mean I'm going to do anything to their relationship, honestly do feel a bit bitter but at the same time I do wish that she's happy. Honestly I guess I feel bad that I can't just completely wish that she's happy and be fine with it.

 

 

Ya know... sounds crazy...but I "do" get you. I understand... in some twisted way. I cared so much about one of my ex's... and I want for his happiness. But there's that small devil sitting on my shoulder that whispers to me.. "huh..well, he might have been happier had "WE" stayed together"..and that little devil sometimes plays havoc with me wondering if he sometimes pauses to think of me fondly and wonders about "WHAT IF..." lol.

 

Ya know what? quit drivng yourself crazy about it. Done is done. Everyday will get better... you'll move on and grow in a different direction. And hopefully in years to come when you do go down memory lane it will make you smile. and even pip yourself in the head and say..."what in the world was I thinkin???"

[timLSY]

I guess this will just sound like an excuse, but I'm a foreigner living in America. Came here 3 and a half years ago, so did my ex, only 16 hours away. We maintained an LDR for a little over a year, things were really rocky during that time that led to the break up. One reason we started calling each other again about half a year later is well, because we didn't know anyone here and didn't have any connections. And the break up wasn't that clean either, because it was mostly all over the phone...it's better now since time has passed, met face to face a couple of times, and we have made our own connections.

 

On the other hand, the girl I met here was one of the few friends I made in this small town, one reason things got really messy, because I was one of her few friends as well (she's also from a different country, not same as me though). We came to work and don't really know anyone outside work, it was nice to have a friend at work of course now it's horrible.

 

Hope you understand it's really hard for foreigners to make connections in these small American towns...I guess there's some different cultural issues as well...

 

Anyway, I'm trying hard to maintain my sanity and pride. I stay away from the girl at work as much as possible working in the same building. I try not talking to my ex too much, one reason we still do talk is because it's hard to live in a foreign country alone, and she just needs some support from someone she knows from before she came here and understands how hard it can be. We have no hard feelings nor possessive feelings for each other, just want to be there to support each other when you really need an old friend.

[waveseer]

There is nothing wrong with being friends with your exes. I made the have your cake and eat it too comment because you acted as fickle as the women did.

 

Choose one or choose none and stick with your choice. If it doesn't work out then go find a NEW woman, don't keep going back to the one's you have already shared confusing relations with.

 

Men and women are not in existence solely for our pleasure. They are human beings with emotions, needs and expectations.

 

I never blamed you for everything that went wrong in your relationships, but you still blaming them or feeling justified in your actions because the women didn't behave well either is very immature.

 

If you want to have healthy, happy relationships you must take responsibility for yourself and the effect you have on others.

[timLSY]

I'm really thankful for your responses. All that you say is right, I know I made wrong choices and at times had no choice but to make those choices. I really take most of the blame - and for now I know I'm not ready for any relationship, and want to focus on myself as well.

 

I don't blame anything on my ex I tried to be friends with. I do blame some things on the crazy girl though. Maybe "blame" is the wrong word - I just know what I did wrong and what she did wrong. I'm trying to own up to my own responsibilities, but I think it's also healthy not to think that EVERYTHING was my responsibility. For a while my depression was so severe thinking that I was a useless piece of scum that couldn't do anything right. I wish someone had told me then that not everything is my responsibility and some things just happen...and sometimes I just have to put myself in front of others in order to survive.

 

Right now I'm in a serious depression and anxiety. I'm trying to kick out of it but it's hard. Really, I accept all the criticism and most of my depression is coming from regretting, although I know that is not healthy either. What I regret is in fact the opposite of what you say - I cared too much about others rather than myself, made myself a tool for their comfort - both knew at different points in time that I'm not coming back, they just wanted me to be their friends until they get better and find someone. And I battered myself with guilt thinking that I have to do whatever they ask of me. I never thought I should just ignore them and take care of myself. It's not that I'm blaming them for having asked for that, it was natural...I just regret for myself that I should have taken care of myself when it wasn't too late.

 

Um, I don't think my thoughts are coming out too clear. I've never had these kind of problems before and I've never dwelled on a problem for so long either. Believe it or not I lived a fulfilling, honest life before all this...and I just need to get back on track. My problem right now is not what happened, it's finding out how to stop thinking about what happened...I really think I'm mentally ill, and have to find a way to let this all go and live my life. I do think I'm over the madness part, now I have to regain my motivation...

[mawfish]

Hey you do sound like you're having major issues with depression and obsession. Try to go see your doctor and tell him/her exactly what you're thinking and feeling. He'll get you the help you need - probably antidepressants and/or counselling. Your obsessive thoughts should clear pretty quickly and you'll feel a lot better.

[timLSY]

Yes, I am seeing a psychiatrist/counsellor and also taking medication. I'm much calmer, but still don't feel motivated or anything, and think about the whole thing a lot, although it affects me less emotionally.