Just got dumped, should I send this and when?

[saintboon]

It would be great if I could get some quick advice. I'm planning to send this email tomorrow around noon.

 

Okay, to save a lot of trouble explaining parameters, I'll explain quickly. We were together for four months. I went through a lot over this time (not relationship related, but painful), and she was there for me big time. But she always used to say that she felt like she cared more than I did, or that I didn't like her. Then I told her I loved her (and followed that up by kicking her out briefly -- God I'm an * * * * * * * ). I've been a huge * * * * at times, and I deserved to get dumped. She's a dedicated student, younger than I am, and her reason was that she just couldn't handle the stress and pain I caused her at times.

 

That all said, she dumped me earlier today (technically I dumped myself for her, she couldn't completely bring herself to do it). We talked for an hour and instead decided to call this a break, and when I get back to California on the 11th we will try things again. So I guess technically we are just on a break. That said, should I send the following email, because one of the things she said is that while I've said what she wants to hear, I haven't proven I'm telling the truth.

Here it is:

 

C,

I never know when to stop talking. I guess that gets in the way of me saying what I mean sometimes. I know I've hurt you. I've hurt you more than you deserve. And you put up with it. Somehow. The amazing person you are, you put up with it. But I do mean it when I say I want to make things work. I can't change who I am as a person, but, I can change the person I am to you. You deserve better than I've given you. But I will be that better man. I care too much about you to be mean to you anymore. It breaks my heart, not to lose you, but to know that you aren't happy.

 

I went through a lot this year, and without you there for me, it would have been much, much harder, if not impossible. I want to be there for you in the same way. The kind of person I know you are, is someone driven, who needs focus, and will someday be very successful. I don't need to come first in your life. Let school come first. And let the serenity and sanity that comes with staying on top of school come first too. I won't be a weight, or a source of pain, I'll be your analgesic. I want when you see me for your burdens and stresses to disappear.

 

With a kiss or tender caress I'll sooth every inch of your body, your beautiful body, and with a hug I'll comfort your beautiful soul. I'm not perfect, and I can't promise not to irritate you sometimes. But you are worth it, and I will try as hard as I can to work on being the man you deserve.

 

Love

-T

[saintboon]

Anyone out there?

[Decaf08]

I'm in the same boat as you man, the pain of losing somebody due to circumstances you cannot control is very frustrating.

 

As for the letter I'd be very wary in sending it. For the most part the only thing in her mind right now is probably the pain she has underwent. With her emotions out of check, she may not see the letter in the same view as you want it to.

 

I think you need to show her how you've changed or how you can change, not just tell her.

[jasper01]

I think your heart is in the right place. But I also think I can understand why she feels you aren't telling the truth, or can't live up to what you are promising. So stop the talk and begin showing through action. Get yourself into counseling and start working with your own issues around trust and self esteem. Then you can show her you are really doing something.

[Pandaman211]

I'm not sold on the analgesic part and after that to the end. But other than that, I think it sounds pretty solid. You admitted your wrongs in a mature, non begging manner, and you're telling her you're gonna do it right. The very last sentence is good, but I would put "I am going to work on" instead of try as hard as I can, or "I am going to be the man you deserve" this way, if you say you're going to, you're displaying confidence in yourself that you're going to make things right, and women love and follow confidence.

 

You know your ex better than any of us, and often to us, while we go through a breakup, what seems to us a great idea to woo her and have her fall in love with us, backfires. However, with your situation seems different. She stuck around while you were being a jerk and kicked her out (sorry, I'm quoting you), and the fact that after breaking up and talking, you guys agreed to give it another go January 11 when you get back makes me think that this email would work, since she seems like shes totally not sold on breaking up since she wants it to be a break and give it another shot. Doesn't seem like you've begged in general, and in the email you do not beg or plead, and thats why I am pro the email. Besides the parts I mentioned, I think it would mean a lot to her, especially since she stuck around for what she may be questioning "why?"

 

You need to really work on yourself during this time away from her. I'm serious. And when you get back, you need to show her that things an work, by, like Decaf says, showing her you've changed, and are taking the proper and necessary steps to change/improve on the things you haven't yet fully changed/improved on. I also want to add that when i say I am pro the email, I am going by what you said in this thread. I could be interpreting it wrong, and you should be able to tell if I am. In that case, I would not send the email. If she is resentful, bitter, I may not send the email. I would repost your story with more details on how she has specifically acted, and then reevaluate whether to send it or not.

[saintboon]

She isn't resentful or bitter. She is hurt and massively over-stressed. She blew off a lot of her school work last semester to be with me, and during finals she had a big freak out. I'm out of university now, and I am planning to move come May, so that might also be weighing on her mind.

 

I'm going to send the letter as is, tomorrow, if I don't change my mind in the morning. I will show her when I get back, I just don't want her to change her mind again before I get back. Over Thanksgiving she said something similar, although it was just "I can't do this." She doesn't handle being apart well. She has said that while I made her happy, the bad outweighed the good. I'm an abrasive, hard person to deal with, but I really will work. Her birthday is Wed, and while I told her I wasn't going to call, so as not to upset her, she seemed a little bothered by that. So i think i will send the email, then I will call on Wed (before getting drunk of course).

[Pandaman211]

You need to call her on her birthday. If she was stating problems that you don't care about her, why wouldn't you? You know what I mean? That would be a good way of showing her that you 1. care, 2. are taking steps to changing/improving yourself, 3. keeping you in her mind

[saintboon]

I told her I wasn't going to call, because I don't want to make her upset. I told her I would text, after she suggested that I text, but of course I will call. I wonder though, If I should send the email tomorrow, or if I should wait until after I call on her birthday...

 

I also told her that while I want to work things out, etc., if she isn't willing to do that then it will be over/NC. She understood I said that for me, and pretty soon after I said so, she said she wanted to try things again.

 

I didn't say it out of spite. I failed to say such a thing to my previous ex, and she led me on for like 5 months, ultimately crushing me.

[Pandaman211]

I would just send it today, and not after her birthday. Thats just me.

[Puckdog27]

If she has said she wants to try things again, then send it, if not then leave her be for a while. NC isnt as cold as people feel, and its often better than the bitterness that can arise.