Need help with a convoluted situation

[scorpio47]

Hello all. I have found myself in quite an unusual situation and would like to get some input and suggestions on how I should proceed. In my past I have been the victim of several relationships in which I have been cheated on. It's lead to a lot of baggage for me and I often have some issues with this. I met this girl about 14 years ago and we became very close friends. There was always some sexual tension there, but nothing ever happened because we were always in relationships. About five years ago, we began seeing each other. I didn't want to leave any doubt as to my situation and I did tell her about my past and what I had been through. She said she had been the victim of the same and that she would never do that to me (of course...). To make a long story short, it was a very intense and powerful relationship, unlike any I'd ever experienced. I had a few "major disasters" in my life during the course of this relationship and found myself in a clinical depression. She began acting oddly and I found she had cheated on me. For the first time in my history of being cheated on by other women, I decided to forgive her and try to make it work. She did have some history of cheating in her past, and I thought that I was different, but just the same, I decided to give her a chance - she seemed genuinely remorseful and willing to do whatever it took to regain my trust. In the months that followed, I did my best - there was no judgment, no bitterness, and I never felt any anger or hatred towards her, just hurt and pain. She felt a lack of commitment and would constantly harp on me for a stronger commitment to her. I told her that I loved her as much as I ever had, but could not trust her, and that I wasn't ready to go and get married. After a year and a half or so of this, I decided to really "lay it on thick" and be as romantic as I was when we started, only to find out that she had been flirting via email with an ex. Again devastated, I tried to piece myself back together. Admittedly, from the emails, nothing happened, just flirting, and in light of my stepping it up, the chronology showed that she had backed down. Had this happened in a vacuum without my history or her having cheated in the past, I probably wouldn't have thought much of it, but still recovering from that betrayal, just swept my legs out from under me. Still in positive amazement in how good our good times still were at that point, we still held on. A few weeks ago, she said if she couldn't get a commitment from me, she was going to leave. She knows that she did wrong, and she will do whatever she needs to in order to atone, but she wants a commitment first. Because of what happened in conjunction with my past, I told her I couldn't...not just yet. I needed to know that I could trust her. Keep in mind that in both cases, I found out - she never came to me and told me. So she left. It was very difficult for me to say the least. I did my best at no contact, but there were some moments of weakness. However, since then, she has asked to "hang out" several times alone, during which there has been a lot of hugging, some passionate kissing and other stuff (no sex though...thank goodness...there was one opportunity, but I backed it off). It does seem that she wants to still be with me, but she wants something that I can't give her right now. In all fairness, I don't know if I COULD ever get over it, but am willing to try IF we were in a relationship together, but there has to be at least a certain level of trust in my heart. From what I've been reading online, it can take years for that kind of trust to mend. How should I proceed? I want her and I enjoy the times we spend together, and I don't want to lose her to anyone else, but at the same time, I can't give her exactly what she wants for now. There is definitely a part of me that wants to spend the rest of my life with her, but the trust level is just not there right now. To make things even more complicated, there is someone else that is interested in me who doesn't have that kind of history - has a history of being very loyal, but the connection there is just isn't as strong, and I'm very afraid that I might be settling... Would NC be advised? Am I wasting my time? Any input would be greatly appreciated.

[Amasa]

I don't know how you would ever trust her again.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

She has a history of cheating and when times got rough she cheated on you....and was ready to cheat on you again. She doesn't end relationships when she is unhappy, she just cheats. I think the commitment issue is her way of trying to rationalize cheating. I think you are right in not trusting her...but it looks like you are at an impasse...she cheats when she is not happy with you...that's what your future would be like with her. As for the other person, if you are not feeling anything then don't string her along. There is always the option of not being in any relationship at this point and just trying to heal and work on your own personal issues and life goals.

[ljp]

If you are truly going to work through the trust and cheating issues, I would suggest counseling for the two of you. Its possible to do, but it takes a lot of work and a counselor would tremendously help.

[scorpio47]

Thanks for the help so far. Any suggestions on how I should proceed? Being that I think I want her back, should I go NC? How do I do that when she calls me every day and asks to see me?