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Grief Recovery Workbook - Very Scared and Sad About This

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I found a copy of the Grief Recovery Workbook at a store where I would not have expected to find it.


Read through it in 2 days.


I just read through it, did not really attempt to start the process. Just wanted to see what will be involved in really getting through this.


REALLY getting through this grief and letting go of this loss - and all of the other losses in my life.


I feel so sad. I can't believe I am actually really pursuing what is necessary to let my Soulmate go - after 11 years.


Now if I actually go through with this is another thing.


All of this seems unreal right now.


I read so many stories and posts in these forums that give advice that goes completely against what this book says is healthy. Advice that I have used to get over (but never really get over) past losses such as:


-Time heals


-Move on


-Get over it


-There is someone better for you


-At least you had the good times you had together


Just reading through the process of what is necessary to really move through and make peace with a significant loss - I feel like if I really do what it says to do it will literally rip my guts out and kill me.


I can also see how it will take me into some of the most intense pain and suffering I will ever know - fully into the loss - and fully into letting the loss go.


The process occurs with one other person - a partner - another person who completes the same exercises and shares them with you in a series of meetings.




The love relationship I just lost was too important to just make a list about what was negative and then focus on that during the times I want to contact him or try to get back together.


I used to love to think about how much an ex wronged me - play victim - tell everyone how awful that person was.


My ex was not awful. I still love him at a level I have never shared with another person. We both did some terrible things to each other but we did more good - in general had a mostly good time together.


I am really afraid to let go of the possibility of us getting back together.


Right now I have had many thoughts suggesting that if I do not try to get him back I will regret it for the rest of my life.


As things have worked out so far in this life - it just so happens that I live about 15 miles away from the Grief Recovery Institute.


It is possible for me to attend one of these workshops and really do this.


I feel very sad even thinking about doing this right now.


This would mean really letting this go.


With so many past losses it almost felt satisfying and good to hold on to the bitterness and anger against an ex.


Not this one. This was my first true love and my Soulmate.


What we have shared is worth much more than that. What I had with prior relationships had its own special place but they do not compare to what I just lost.


I am just really afraid to move forward with this. But I am more afraid of the thought that I would suffer on some level for the rest of my life over this loss - the worst and most painful loss of my life.


I hope that I really go through with this. I know how easy it is to let time pass and not use a personal crisis to really grow and heal. I have done that many times.



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My heart goes out to you. Everyone who's ever loved enough has suffered your pain, and while that doesn't make it easier, it does mean you're in excellent company. It means that no matter how isolated and freakish your pain makes you feel, you're not alone, you're not a freak and you deserve your own pride and respect for drawing on strengths you never knew you had.


I would salt to taste any advice you gather from materials if they're designed to prompt you to pursue any further sort of money-spending in the future. While group work or team work can be helpful in some cases, they aren't the only way to grieve. People have been doing it in their own private ways, and in their own time, forever.


That means you get to respect your own needs and goals and desires, and you're not required to ditch whatever hopes might help you take baby steps toward your own recovery. My private method might not be popular because all the straight talk suggests accepting what you just plain can't accept right now. I don't disagree with straight talk, I've just never been able to pull it off without tricking myself with little 'reward' ideas of how things will play out in my future. I sometimes think of them as my 'triumph fantasies'.


For instance, while mine were not about reconciling, exactly, I've told myself that when I see him again in 6 months or a year, I'll have lost 5 years off my appearance, gained a promotion at work, lost 10 pounds, regained my self respect, finished my master's degree, and I'll be fAbulous. He will see me as being better off without him, and he'll be sorry--and I'll be proud.


Point is, this kind of thinking is what got me out of bed every morning feeling more energized and more determined to enforce 'no contact' for at least 6 months. So what if it was delusional, the goal spared me self abuse. Sure enough, the whole fantasy started to weaken and matter less and less over time as I started engaging healthy pursuits once again.


If you believe that things could work out with him in the future, then make a window of time for that goal so you'll understand that 'future' does not mean 'now'.


Then you're free to work on yourself and deal with the future later--when you're on higher ground.


In your corner.

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