Have you ever thought about just "settling?"

[KG]

And not let your morals/attitudes kick in? There's a woman nearby, works in a shop I frequent, a widow, who likes to flirt with me. Last night, I ran into her, late shift, we made some small talk, she was trying ( I think ) to get me to stay. To talk.

 

Not my cup of tea...very nice, just no connection, if you know what I mean.

 

But I got home thinking...I'm alone again...maybe I should drop my standards, have some fun, have someone to go out with. We are almost the same age, but the differences are there. She has no education beyond high school. She was married early and long. Has no kids. The void is large.

 

So does anyone ever think about "settling", becauase nothing else is working?

 

And please...no, I'm not going to ask her out. I am just asking if these thoughts ever occur to anyone else, and how you acted on them.

Thanks!

[waveseer]

yes those thoughts have occurred to me, yes I have acted on them, no it has never been satisfactory unless you count momentarily

[DaBladeRoden]

I almost settled once, it was a long struggle, but I'm glad i didn't in the end. Just because a girl is horny and and keeps talking about wanting a relationship, doesn't mean you should settle for someone who looks like a moose and has the attitude of a wolverine. (aka Wee Lass for the forum regulars)

 

Then again I'm guessing my definition of settling isn't quite the same as yours.

[Karmageddon]

Sure, and then reality hits me like a ton of bricks. I want my love. Not someone to just pass the time with. Not that I am all that great and all, but then I think of breaking someone elses heart like mine has been broken. I remind myself of these things as I am moving my dog off of "my" side of the bed.

[wtm78]

i think you shouldnt lower your standard, just to settle..

 

yet even she is not your cup of tea... you shouldnt just close the door like that.

 

you mentioned that when you got home thinking...you are alone again...maybe you should just ask her out.. get to know her.. it doesnt have to be romantic.. just go out with her. talk.. get to know her.. if it hits off well, decide to persue or back down.. if it doesnt... who knows? you may find yourself a new friend...

 

that is what i would do... just go out have fun... and see where it brings you...

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I have never settled but I have seen people who have and they are not happy. I have also seen lots of posts on this forum where people have settled...and they are miserable.

[real_life_101]

I guess it depends. Most of my buddies have settled. We are all good looking guys and have a lot going for us. We usually attract the Hot girls for girlfriends. These girls are usually selfish spoiled brats. My two best buds kicked it down a notch and are happy in their marriages. I am still holding out, but I am thinking maybe it's time for a cute girl rather then a hottie they seem to appreciate more...

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I guess it depends. Most of my buddies have settled. We are all good looking guys and have a lot going for us. We usually attract the Hot girls for girlfriends. These girls are usually selfish spoiled brats. My two best buds kicked it down a notch and are happy in their marriages. I am still holding out, but I am thinking maybe it's time for a cute girl rather then a hottie they seem to appreciate more...

 

You see, I wouldn't view that as settling..what would be settling would be marrying one of those hot girls who are selfish, spoiled brats!

[KG]

I do not see you as the settling type of guy KG.

 

I'm not...there's the dilemma! Damned standards! LOL! It's just that the thought crossed my mind, for the first time.

[KG]

No such thing as the perfect deal, we ALL have to settle at some point in one way or another when it comes to partners, question is, how much can you settle for?

 

That brings up a world of questions! Good point!

 

But I need some "chemistry" first.

[Karmageddon]

I'm not...there's the dilemma! Damned standards! LOL! It's just that the thought crossed my mind, for the first time.

 

Ok KG, standards are good things, you know this. I admit sometimes being alone is for the birds! BUT...as my friends trampy mother in law said..."I would rather be alone...than wish I was alone"

 

You have been through a lot & it sounds like she has too, no need to compound the heartache if she isn't what you are looking for.

[JadedStar]

i think you shouldnt lower your standard, just to settle..

 

yet even she is not your cup of tea... you shouldnt just close the door like that.

 

you mentioned that when you got home thinking...you are alone again...maybe you should just ask her out.. get to know her.. it doesnt have to be romantic.. just go out with her. talk.. get to know her.. if it hits off well, decide to persue or back down.. if it doesnt... who knows? you may find yourself a new friend...

 

that is what i would do... just go out have fun... and see where it brings you...

 

I agree with this post. No, i don't think you should settle. But i don't think that going out with someone on some friendly dates is settling. to me settling is creating a permanent relationship with someone you know isn't right for you. Some friendly dates with somene whom you have no spark with at this time isnt' settling. That is called being social and just getting out there.

[lady00]

I think most people consider it at least once or from time to time. I know I have. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I acted on them once and it was a mistake. After that I promised myself that I never would again. And sometimes it is really tempting but I think holding out for something more is often the better option.

[ConfusedDater]

No, That means you are GIVING UP. What exactly are you accomplishing by hooking up with someone who is not your type?

[JadedStar]

No, That means you are GIVING UP. What exactly are you accomplishing by hooking up with someone who is not your type?

 

Going out on a friendly date and "hooking up" are not exactly the same thing.

 

I see no harm in going out with a person without having sex on one's mind. It can happen! GASP lol

[ConfusedDater]

Going out on a friendly date and "hooking up" are not exactly the same thing.

 

I see no harm in going out with a person without having sex on one's mind. It can happen! GASP lol

 

 

Well I never go out in public with a girl who is not my type, i only want to see them in my APT

[JadedStar]

Well I never go out in public with a girl who is not my type, i only want to see them in my APT

 

Shame on you CD> lol

[Clarity]

I have these thoughts from time to time, but I just try to remind myself of what it felt like to be in a relationship that I knew wasn't the right one for me - I yearned to be single. Being single sucks sometimes, but it's the lesser of these two evils.

 

Think of it this way: imagine you settled, but then the woman of your dreams comes along, except... you're taken!

[doyathink]

No, I wouldn't settle...but I also wouldn't say that I don't have chemistry with someone till I got to know them better either.

[sparkles4]

I've done something like settling once, and wouldn't wanna do it again. The relationship wasn't fulfilling, and I only ended up hurting the other person.

 

I started dating this guy a while back. I liked him well enough, but all along I had this feeling that he wasn't "the one" and I don't think I was ever truly in love with him. I ended up entering a relationship with him anyway, because it was his idea, it was convenient, we got along, the guy was fun to hang out with and I had no other prospects at the time. I didn't see him as Mr. Right, but more of Mr. Good Enough For Right Now. I never envisioned it to be a long-term thing, but the relationship somehow dragged on for a lot longer than I thought it would, during which time he began taking us more and more seriously while I did not. I eventually ended it, because I had been feeling dissatisfied for some time, and he was really hurt by it. I felt very guilty for entering the relationship in the first place and allowing it to continue as it did when my heart just wasn't into it.

[tiredofvampires]

Going out on a friendly date and "hooking up" are not exactly the same thing.

 

I see no harm in going out with a person without having sex on one's mind. It can happen! GASP lol

 

I totally agree, if you want to cultivate friendships, which I do. I can kind of get along with nearly anyone...

 

But the problem is, when you sense someone is interested in your as bed/relationship material, and you know that there are things about them that are most likely gonna be dealbreakers, then even if you can have some really fun conversations with them, I have to ask...how do you then get out of the trap you've created for yourself where you've given them the impression that you likely will be interested when more likely you won't? I have found myself even recently in this scenario...where I knew I could keep spooling the thing along some more to see, all the while suspecting this will be a dead end, on the premise that it's just "getting myself out there, and no harm done, right?" when really I felt I was probably wasting this person's time (and probably mine, too, if you are thinking in terms of wanting a relationship in the end, and this being a likely dead end.)

 

So if you think it's highly likely to be a dead end...but it could still be good socializing...then you are facing leading someone on, and that gets pretty sticky later.

 

Unless you are ready to act on lowering your standards because being with anyone is better than no one.

 

Which is KG's question. I think it's hard to have an agenda of wanting a relationship while at the same time flirting with someone you can't see yourself in a relationship with. I've had some of the same issues recently.

 

It's a social conundrum.

 

In the end, I don't feel I can or will lower my standards. I've done it before. I did exactly what sparkles did, more than once, only it was "Mr. Good Enough, and Isn't That a Good Compromise and if I Keep Wishing and Hoping, Maybe This will Grow on Me Enough to Become Mr. Right Because I Really Want Him to be." In the end, I was always unhappy and there was deep hurt, disillusionment and pain for both of us (not just him, me as well).

[JadedStar]

I guess I don't equate going out on a date as leading someone on. I don't think it is expressed or implied that a date has to lead to anything serious. It can mean many things to go out on a first date, intrigue, a fondness even if not sexual, a nice dinner companion, etc.

[renaissancewoman101]

I've thought about settling for someone, but I don't have the luxury of having a lot of guys interested in me, so I don't get to really have the option of settling.

 

I did know, when I first dated my ex, that he really was not right for me in many ways, but the fact that he literally "worshipped" me and wanted to be there for me and adored me, really flattered and got to me, because I had never had that happen to me (my first ex was a real doozer and very self-centered, even though we are friends now). With my last ex, the way he treated me and the way he was there for me, sort of overrode my suspicion that he was not the right person for me.

[Karmageddon]

I guess I don't equate going out on a date as leading someone on. I don't think it is expressed or implied that a date has to lead to anything serious. It can mean many things to go out on a first date, intrigue, a fondness even if not sexual, a nice dinner companion, etc.

 

I think a "date" is implied "getting to know you for reasons of potential relationship"

 

When my girlfriends call me to go do something...i don't call it a date....its called "hanging out"

 

If someone calls you to hang out it is different then them asking you out on a "date"

[JadedStar]

I think a "date" is implied "getting to know you for reasons of potential relationship"

 

When my girlfriends call me to go do something...i don't call it a date....its called "hanging out"

 

If someone calls you to hang out it is different then them asking you out on a "date"

 

But for many people, you don't really know if it can lead to somewhere romantically without getting to know them. I have dated two people that led to something very serious where i just didn't feel a connection until dating them and getting to really KNOW them, and there was a point that attraction just came head on.