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Problem With Ex-Girlfriend Who Came Out Recently

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Okay, so we were together a year ago and broke up last year. This year, she came out as a lesbian. She told me that it was not a new development, that she had always tried to change it, but she is passed that now.


I was shocked at first, but we realized that this made it easier to be "just friends" because there was no other man in her life.


So we started being a part of each other's lives again. She gave me a long talk about how she tried to change being gay for me while we were together. She said I was her soul mate, and that if she couldn't change being gay for ME, then she KNEW she HAD to be a lesbian.


I told her I understood all that, and I did. She has still been calling me her soul mate, and we have been spending more time together over the past few months.


She said if she was straight, we would be together, because all of the other feelings are there, just no romantic/sexual feelings for me, obviously because she's gay.




So 3 weeks ago, we were talking thru texts, and after saying a few things back and forth, she said to me, "I do hope to find a partner someday, and I hope it won't be painful for you."


So I said, "Well, it WILL be painful, but I can accept that, and I hope things can be the way they are now."


And that was it, for a few days, I heard nothing back from her, so I got worried. Finally, I texted her back, asking if I had upset her somehow. She said, "It didn't exactly put a smile on my face, but did you think it would?"


I am still not sure what she meant by that.


So then we started hanging out less, she was sick, the weather was bad, I was sick, I didn't think too much of it, but now 3 weeks have gone by where we haven't spoken much or hung out at all.


So I texted her a little while ago, saying I'm worried, asking if we are still friends, etc, etc.


She finally got back to me, saying she's sorry, and that she knows she's been making me worry, but she is trying to do what she feels will cause the "least upheaval" for both of us. She said she can't talk about it right now, but needs to talk to me sometime this week.


So now I'm all paranoid that it could be a GUY. I texted her back, "You don't have a boyfriend, do you?" And I got nothing. After a little while of silence, I said, "Well I guess I got my answer, right?" And I still got nothing back.


If you read my other post about her, you'll know she's not the biggest text messager in the world, but she could at least tell me yes or no.


So now I'm all paranoid that after ALL THAT, that she is with a man again. I mean, what else could cause this "upheaval" she is talking about? I don't understand.


Am I being ridiculous to assume it's a man? Could it be that she has a girlfriend and feels like it will hurt me to find out? Or is she back to being into guys again, after all that? I have no idea! I wish she would just tell me, but she "can't talk about it now," which is unfair.


My mind is racing and I don't know what to do.

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When you said that her being with someone would hurt you she took that as you still having feelings for her. That freaked her out as she wanted to believe the "still friends" scenario.


She has backed off now because she is uncomfortable with you still having romantic feelings for her, and also at the thought of you being hurt.


Yes, I do think you're being ridiculout about it being a man. I mean, why not a woman? I suspect she's possibly involved with someone, yes.

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Why not a woman? I don't know...I guess my mind is trained to think of her as being straight, after all, I have been thinking that way for 10 years. Plus I always tend to expect the worst possible scenario in every situation.


Other than that, I don't know why I assume it's a man. If it IS a man, then EVERYTHING she said over the past few months, about finally coming out and being herself and not who society wanted her to be, would all be for nothing.


It would hurt me more if it was a man, especially after she told me several times that if she was straight, she'd be with me, and that she tried to change being gay JUST FOR ME!


I just don't see what else this "upheaval" could be, other than her being with some other guy. Unless I'm just jumping to conclusions and over reacting. Am I?


Thinking back over the past few months, she has explained to me how she always knew she was different. She actually went as far as apologizing to me for being "defective" because we both knew what things would be like between us if she was straight.


I told her that she is NOT "defective" because she is a lesbian.


She cried and said that things between us would be perfect if she was straight. She told me that it took her entire life to get to this point, to come out as gay. She said she actually tried to change being gay just for me, so we could be together, but it didn't work.


She jokingly told me, "you're the perfect man, too bad you're not the perfect woman!" She said she can't love a man romantically, and that she just isn't "wired" that way.


She kept calling me her soul mate, despite the fact that we are not a romantic couple anymore.


Just about a month ago, she was telling me how she finally realized she is "unequivocally gay" and that she had to say good-bye to her childhood dream of being married to a man someday with a "normal" life, family, kids, etc.


But this "upheaval" she just casually mentions in a text message is driving me crazy! Despite everything I just explained, I STILL somehow expect her to tell me she's with a man. What else could the "upheaval" possibly be??


Am I crazy?? Please tell me!

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Hi apollo,


Yes, you are a being a bit crazy. There's no point in getting riled up until she actually tells you what is going on. Until then, you need to chill out.


What could the upheaval be? I can think of a dozen different things it could be. Perhaps she found a girlfriend. Perhaps a close relative died. Perhaps she lost her job. Perhaps an asteroid crashed into her house. Perhaps she found Jesus. Who knows? There's no point freaking out until she tells you want is going on.


In the meantime, I think it's important that you take some time for yourself. Your friendship will benefit from some space. Are there any other girls you are interested in?

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Well I'm assuming that the "upheaval" is something that is going to affect our friendship. If she lost her job, for example, it wouldn't mean that we can't be in each other's lives anymore.


She knows that if she had a boyfriend, there would be no room for me in her life. She and I have been down that road before in the past, before she came out as a lesbian.


If it's not a man she's with now, then why didn't she at least text me back and answer my question, "You don't have a boyfriend, do you?"

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Who knows? You said yourself that she's not particularly good at texting. But that's not my point. My point is this: Until she tells you, you have no idea why she did this, and jumping to conclusions and speculating is not going to do you any good.


There are other possibilities, at this point you just don't have any information on what is going on. You need to try and be calm and just push this to the back of your mind. If it is really disturbing you, you could call her, but you need to be calm about it. Personally, if it was me, I'd sleep on it for a day or two and decide what to do after I'd had some time to think it over.

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Actually, I just wanted to correct myself. What she actually said was, "I've been doing what I feel will cause the least upheaval for both of us."


So "upheaval for both of us"...I don't know what it could be other than her being with a guy.


I think it was unfair of her to tell me that she has to talk to me this week, but not that night.


So I barely slept the whole night, up all night worrying in nervous anticipation, not knowing what is going to happen in the next few days, my mind wandering all night. I just don't think that was fair of her.



I'm not sure what you're saying I should decide to do though.


I can sleep on it all I want, but there's nothing I can do about this situation. She is the one who has something to tell me. She's the one who wants to talk about something to me.


There is nothing I can do about that but listen to what she says, whenever she says it.

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"I've been doing what I feel will cause the least upheaval for both of us."


So "upheaval for both of us"...I don't know what it could be other than her being with a guy.


A guy is actually the last thing that brings to mind. I think you are scared of her getting a bf because then she is forever beyond you, but if she is a lesbian you can still somehow play the boyfriend.


And she knows this, and knows that it isn't fair to either of you. That's why she's backing off.

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Hello, reading your other post (about the texts messages) I don't think her sexual preference is what's playing such a big role here.


She can say a million things to keep you around but look at her actions, she contacts you whenever she feels like it and then ignores you if she's not fond of certain subject, what kind of relationship is that?.


She is your ex but you still love her, there are two solutions, she goes back to you or you get over her and it seems the first one won't happen so as painful as it may be you have to take that final step now and let her go.


One day she could wake up and decide she's in love with a guy (not saying people can switch those feelings on and off, I'm just giving you an example) what's going to happen then?, do you want to stick around to find out?.


It really doesn't matter who she's into but if it's not you then you shouldn't keep putting yourself in such a position because you're only going to get hurt.

By being available to her you're only getting the worse out of the situation.


It seems you can't be friends and it does seem like she doesn't want you as a real friend either, it's time to focus on yourself and move forward.

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So the last thing she said last night was to let her know when I'm free to talk this week. So this afternoon, I texted her and said she can talk to me about anything whenever she wants.


So now it's up to her I guess. She'll tell me whatever she wants to tell me whenever she wants to tell it. I just hope I don't have to wait and ruminate and make myself sick over it, which is what I've been doing since last night.


I told a few people at work who I am close to about it. They didn't think that she has a boyfriend either. They think that I'm just obsessing over what I see as the worst case scenario.


I am still very nervous and antsy, not knowing what to expect when she calls. It is very draining to constantly expect the worst. I'm having a lot of anticipatory anxiety about her calling and what she plans on telling me. I wish I could calm down and get this over with.

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So now it's up to her I guess. She'll tell me whatever she wants to tell me whenever she wants to tell it.



Why do you want her to have such a big role in deciding how you feel and what you're going to do next?.


You are struggling now because you are letting HER dictate how YOU should be, take that back and everything will run smoothly.


It's not easy, the first days are very difficult but deciding to move on will give you control over your thoughts and actions, the sooner you start the process the sooner the pain and uncertainty will end.


Don't wait for her answer, tell yourself now that wether she wants to give things another try or not you are going to be okay, even if you don't think that's possible, even if you don't mean it and even if she says something that gives you hope, keep saying over and over that whatever happens everything is going to be fine.

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I guess the main thing is that I am anticipating the pain this whole thing would cause me if it WAS a man instead of a woman that she was with. Even though I guess I have no real evidence that it's a man... and she just came out as a lesbian in early 2008.


It would be painful because she told me over and over again how we would be together if she was straight, and that the only thing keeping us apart is that she is a lesbian.


She said things between us would be perfect if she wasn't gay, because all the other feelings are there, just not the sexual/romantic ones (because she likes girls)


Maybe I'm jumping to conclusions by thinking it's a guy, because that is what I see as the worst thing that could happen, and the most painful.


But if she wants to be with a girl, then fine. If she feels we can't continue as friends because she has a girlfriend, then I'd have to accept that, too.


I'm just saying it would be easier to deal with for me than knowing it was a man, because if it was a man, then everything she told me over the past 3-4 months would be a lie.


I'm not saying it IS a man, like I said, I guess when I think of it, I have no real evidence to prove anything. I'm just paranoid and expecting some catastrophe, or as she put it, an "upheaval." Whatever that may be, I guess only she knows.


We've been friends for ten years, I don't see why something should come between us and mess that up. We always said nothing would or could.

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wether she wants to give things another try or not you are going to be okay


You're not the first one I've mentioned this to who said something like that. I just don't understand how or why some people suggest that she and I try things again. If she is a lesbian, getting back together in a relationship is NOT an option.

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You're not the first one I've mentioned this to who said something like that. I just don't understand how or why some people suggest that she and I try things again. If she is a lesbian, getting back together in a relationship is NOT an option.


I think you misunderstood what Cuppedia was trying to say. I don't think he/she (I don't know your sex Cuppedia was suggesting that you try things again wtih your ex.

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Either way, it doesn't seem like she is going to get back to me at this point. Monday she told me to let her know when I'm free to talk, because she needs to talk to me this week. Tuesday, I texted her to say she can talk to me whenever. I still have not heard anything from her since Monday.


I kind of regret sending those panicky, knee-jerk reaction texts all in a row Monday asking if she had a boyfriend. Maybe she didn't like how I did that...I'm not sure. But I'm starting to wonder why she still has not called like she said she had to.

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