Men...not sure how to approach him? Want sex life back!

[HerDestiny]

Guys...I've been in a relationship for two years. You know that spark in the beginning when things are just SO HOT, right? Well, two years later...not so hot anymore.

 

I got myself involved with a guy who I knew was on the shy side. I didn't mind because I can usually keep things going without much trouble. We seemed to be right for each other. Over time though...his shyness (I think) has caused my sex drive to slowly dive-bomb.

 

Being a woman, I'm kind of used to men being blunt and straightforward with me. The more men I run into each week, the more men I will find who won't hesitate to tell me they'd love to have sex with me, think I'm hot, sexy, hope my relationship fails so they can have a chance with me, etc...

 

I can't help SOMETIMES but smile when I get reactions from men like this. Especially if they're good looking and have themselves together.

 

Being that I'm with this shy guy...I feel completely unwanted, downright ugly and like...rejected because he doesn't come right out and say stuff like this.

 

My self-esteem can go from 100% around other men to ZERO when around him in just minutes flat.

 

I know he doesn't intentionally do this.

 

I did try talking to him about it and he seemed to understand but nothing changed.

 

Also...I had been in a 6 year relationship previous to this one. Over time, our sex life got better and better and better through great communication between us. Too bad he was abusive or I would've never broke it off. But that guy was on the shy side too.

 

There's one other problem. I don't want to say this the wrong way to him but...this guy will get me a mug of coffee and even cook me dinner so he's eager to please me but just DOESN'T in the bedroom. I feel bad saying this but I'd rather he not get me coffee or cook me dinner if it means he'll be so eager to please in the bedroom. Everyone has things in life they like and don't like. Certain things turn me on and despite me telling him many times what those things are...and it's nothing crazy, elaborate...he hasn't come through.

 

I may be unusual in that two minutes of foreplay and I'm ready to go! But...I don't even get two minutes. Don't think that's too much to ask. And our sex life would go back to HOT again if only he could give me those two minutes.

 

MEN -- What can I do? How do I approach him to get our sex life back again? If your girlfriend/wife were thinking the way I am and you found out she really wanted to get your sex life back on track if it's been dwindling for a while, what would her best approach be?

 

I'm absolutely sure he'd love it if things were great between us again.

 

What do I say or how can I say it? Don't want to hurt his ego. I'm just not looking forward to sex with him AT ALL anymore and want to again.

 

Help...

[Day_Walker]

If he doesnt desire to have sex then there is little that you can do. If sex is that important to you then it is perhaps time to leave this relationship. I wouldnt chalk his sex drive up to him being shy, it is more so that is his level of sexual desire.

 

You also need to be careful seeking external sources to determine your level of self esteem. That in itself is one issue that you need to work on.

[savignon]

I'm going out on a limb here and thinking that maybe since you were with exciting but abusive guys in the past that you've come to hold in your heart that those things sort of 'go together' and that, perhaps, you're mistaking his shyness for lack of passion or his thoughtfulness with the coffee/dinner as boring. There's a difference between guys who will come right out to you, while you're in a relationship and tell you you're hot and they'd like to sleep with you and your shy guy who doesn't make comments like that in general, less to girls who have a boyfriend. While they may seem more fun and it's certianly flattering, put it in it's context. Say to your guy playfully, "hey I was just thinking about all the things you used to do that made me so hot....do you remember what they are?" Or rent a porn video or buy some lingere or go away for the weekend. I think saying to him honestly, "I really miss that passion in our sex life that we had in the beginning...what can I do to bring some of that back?" sounds a lot less threatening and hurtful than something else you could say. Kudos for not wanting to bruise his ego and for recognizing all of his good traits....maybe say, "instead of getting me dinner tomorrow...I'd love it if you....."

Best wishes!!

[HerDestiny]

His sex drive and attraction toward me are fine. The only ways I know this though are from asking him but also...if he's pressed up against me for 3 seconds late at night...as soon as his body comes into contact with mine...something pops up between us.

 

When I've asked him if he's attracted to me, he goes on and on about how he thinks about being with me constantly and tries to show it in little ways (grabbing my ass when no one's around) but to me...this stuff is so subtle compared to what I'm used to that I get confused with him.

[savignon]

If he doesnt desire to have sex then there is little that you can do. If sex is that important to you then it is perhaps time to leave this relationship. I wouldnt chalk his sex drive up to him being shy, it is more so that is his level of sexual desire.

 

You also need to be careful seeking external sources to determine your level of self esteem. That in itself is one issue that you need to work on.

 

She didn't say HE didn't want to have sex...she said that SHE has lost interest. I agree that looking for self esteem outside of yourself is something you can work on. Those guys who are talking to you so casually about sex, your hot-ness and wanting a chance with you seem a little inappropriate. Can you imagine your guy saying something like that a girl? Isn't part of the reason you love him that he would NOT?

[HerDestiny]

Savignon...I see what you're saying. Wow...that was so insightful.

 

Yes, abusive types are pushy and AGGRESSIVE. That's what I got used to. Also, so many men I encounter on a daily basis are aggressive. But, to me, they almost seem more passionate.

 

Savignon, I like your approach to the problem I'm having...

[HerDestiny]

Um...I'm starting to feel like I'm from another planet or something???

 

Is this really unusual sounding behavior for guys to be so aggressive? I live in an area full of blue collar guys, bikers, etc...

 

Very close to NYC. Not sure if that explains this behavior at all?

 

You are so right, though. The way he came accross to me from day one is NON aggressive, non-threatening, not a 'jerk' like the other guys I run into so often so yes...these are the qualities that drew me to him like a magnet.

 

I guess I'm just not used to trying to read subtle hints. Never had to before...

[savignon]

Destiny, I used to feel the same exact way towards men and now have a sweetheart of a guy (who is shy and makes coffee...hee hee). There are many things about him to cherish as there are about your guy. I remember saying to my parents yeras ago, "I'd rather have someone with highs and lows and PASSION than some day to day, steadily boring guy"...but now high and low = unpredictable and insecure and day to day, steady = reliable and trustworthy. As for the passion and spark, that needs to be worked on in ANY relationship whether the guy is shy or tends to have a roaming eye once he gets bored. A good sex life needs breath...so bring some breath to it and I'm sure he'll reciprocate as he seems to be eager to please like you said!

Best wishes for a HOT sex life in '09!!!

[savignon]

PM me if you want....I'm also near NYC and have dealt w/ more aggressive come ons, although I'm not sure it has to do with location. Men are men

[abitbroken]

What about mixing it up and initiating? Give him a slow but mindblowing BJ or take your time with him. Or when he does give you even 10 seconds of foreplay "tell" him how much you like it my body movements, sounds, and telling him at that time you want more. If he is eager to please you, he might start to get it.

 

I think after having an abusive guy, a nice guy who just needs a little nudging in the sex department is really a great catch compared to hot sex with a side of abuse.

[HerDestiny]

Savignon -- I SO DO NOT MISS the high/low unpredictability/instability!

 

I'm so glad you've got one of those sweet coffee making guys too! It really is nice...and is probably one of the things that's got me so hooked on this guy. It means a lot to me that he does things like this.

 

 

And to any shy guys who read this --

Don't be afraid to show the woman you love how you feel. She'll REALLY appreciate it!

[HerDestiny]

abitbroken --

 

I really have to give this a try with him again. I tried a few times to let him know what great things he is capable of doing (that I used to think about 24/7 and it drove me crazy) but slowly gave up when he didn't seem too responsive.

 

Maybe after things going so downhill after a while, he'll be more responsive the second time around?

[top bloke]

Help....

Firstly.. guys that tell women bluntly that they want to have sex with them and they're hot are really saying that they think you are cheap and nasty ..instant gratification to them like chewing gum,,used and spat out.once theyre finished they will dissappear.Dont rubbish yourself by giving in.

 

I have to say that with no kids to bother you guys and just each other it is a little strange that he'd rather cook food than you than cook you.?

 

Are you being sexy to him?

The only blatant suggestion I can make is to get some ice cream tonight or whipped cream and after dinner take your shirt off and run it from your neck down..fill your eyes with passion ..that is an image to even make a gay man go straight.. If this doesn't work then what is he doing there? What are you doing there ?

Doesnt he still buy you flowers and make love on the kitchen table? Or sink? I was once alot younger and yes I did break the darn table...a few times. From the sounds of things it seems you need some excitement in your life. He can literally step up or I think you need to move on and find a man you wants to feed you at both ends...(sorry for being blatant

[top bloke]

After going back through all of these posts I think you owe it to yourself and your man to talk about your feelings.

Have a great new year and i hope it works out. At least you have a genuine guy..

Cheers

Tb

[HerDestiny]

Top Bloke --

 

I appreciate what you said in your second reply. I get frustrated at times myself and think we're just not compatible and want to walk away and find someone I feel I'm on the same page with.

 

However, after talking to him the other night, it started out what seemed like a total disaster (him not taking me seriously, not coming out and saying what was on his mind and me ready to give up because I knew he was bottling a lot of things up but I can't spend a lifetime waiting) but after a few HOURS of talking, things started to look up.

 

Only time will tell so in a few weeks I'll really know if this is going to work out and get better.

 

I thought about what I said while walking around and going about my daily life today and realized how I am attractive but conservative as anything. Never wear sl*tty clothes, makeup in light shades to look as natural as possible - the image of a strong woman who stands on her feet.

 

No attention wh*re here!

 

I began to wonder...is it possible that these men I run into are as blatant and aggressive as they are because they see me as a challenge???

 

I brush off the things they say and many of them I'll see again in the future one way or another (small world) and we're on good terms.

 

I always take their behavior as 'boys being boys' and brush it right off without hesitation.

 

They seem to know they're not going to get anywhere with me but sometimes they do try pretty hard. I've heard too often when they want me to have sex with them even though they know I have a boyfriend "what he doesn't know won't hurt him".

 

I brush that one off too, even though that one bothers me. To think that a guy would try to do that to another guy...

 

I'll keep working on this communication problem with this coffee making guy and we'll see if 2009 is gonna be the year he breaks out of his shell!

 

Have a fantastic New Year everyone!

[top bloke]

Hey thanks for that.It is early new years day here I am really glad to hear what you are thinking. All couples go through good and bad stages. Sometimes you want to shake them to wake up. This is part of growing and real loving each other.You see when you love someone it causes heartache because we want them to shine. The thing is we must sometimes gently lead them with patience and love because we know that they are really a quality person. They deserve to develop their personality and we as their mates have an innate duty to try and bring out their best. If they respond the relationship gets stronger and they satisfy us in turn.

 

Sex with a stranger is just someone giving us sex to our bodies..Sex with our good partners is an appreciation of our minds,our souls,our hearts,our sacrifice of forsaking all others .It involves a state of mind that when we throw our partner into bed that this person is giving everything theyve got into pleasuring us and receiving the pleasure with all the true emotions we desire. When I want to have sex with my lover I dont just want to sex her..I want to make sure each and every inch of her skin is made love to..is tantalised and I leave goose pimples as I go.I simply dont want her to have an orgasm..I want her to explode ito a huge one..lol This is the difference between these other jokers and your man.

On the other hand the man who wants to sex you or the women who want to have animal sex with us are more focused on themselves.

I know what I will choose until my dying breath..

You are on the right track though..keep at it. Sometimes it does feel as if we are on our own and it can get very frustrating. Keep your faith in your heart as I believe that you have a beautiful mind/soul and are a great person looking for help to fix this issue. Time will tell if he is the one for you...

I am a bit rough around the edges and I hope you learn from what I have posted. I sincerely hope it helps..

 

tb