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Difficult loss


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I've never been one to really post anything about my personal life, but recently, I may have lost

a woman who was more important to me than anything in this world. I

became blind, prideful, bitter, refused to face myself and take control

over certain things in my life. I became so obsessed with trying to make things happen for her that I lost sight of what really mattered to her most and that was us and me.

I lost myself along the way. Eventually, I even took what I had in her for

granted and forced all the wrong things that shouldn't have been and

didn't need to be forced. thereforee, suffocating the life out of it all. When something/someone special

comes along, make the most of it and enjoy it one day at a time because

it may never come along again. Someone like the woman I took for

granted and hurt is impossible to find. Unfortunately

for me, I waited too long to open my eyes, truly admit what was going

on, and realize what I really had. What I have done to and just as

important, failed to do for this very special woman will tear at my

heart forever.

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These things happen to us when our eyes are not open, as you put it. These things happen so we can open our eyes and that kind of love will not be taken for granted in the future. You know now that true love is not easy to find and you know now what not to do. If it will make you feel better, make ammends (by writing a letter for example) to your ex and take responsibility for what you did and let her know what you've learned from the experience. Don't count on her running back to you, but it may clear up your conscience a bit....?? As for 'that kind of love' never coming again....that's just not true. It will be actually even better next time when you appreciate and cherish it as it's happening and not as an afterthought.

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We have talked, and I explained everything that has been going on with me about loosing myself. All of this started with me back in the summer before August. Dealing with just getting out of a divorce and dealing with the ex-wife (which was very complicated), I tried extremely hard to make sure my girlfriend came first in everything. I tried too hard many times almost becoming so consumed that I lost sight of myself and the things that were really important in the relationship. I should have just enjoyed the moment and put more focus on her alone and not worry about things until it was time to worry about them. She had always been there for me since the start of the divorce, but I still felt as though I had to prove myself. Many times she would ask what was wrong and I would make excuses instead of confiding in her. I know this had to wear on her. I just didn't really see how bad things were with me until the damage had been done. I was completely different than I had been before the summer. No longer able to joke or be carefree without faking it. Basically, she was dealing with someone other than the man she fell in love with. My pride got in the way of not telling her, and unfortunately, because I couldn't even really admit to myself what was going on, I pushed her away. Plus, there were times at the end where I almost expected her every free minute to be spent with me, which is completely unlike me. There is more, but that's it in a nutshell. It's just a long complicated story. She does say that she is also to blame, and she says she would still like for us to date just without being serious and for us to have the option to see other people.

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First of all, about the divorce, my ex-wife and I decided to get divorced around 2005. We held off on actually getting it temporarily for our daughter. However, in the mean time, we both agreed to live our lives as though we were single. Of course, she was all for coming up with the idea of seeing other people because she already had been. Yeah, she was cheating on me. I knew it and had proof but wouldn't have used except to protect my daughter if my ex were to be putting my daughter in a very bad situation. I was relieved that we would be getting divorced actually because I always felt like I was walking on egg shells around her and was never in love with her to begin with. I think I got married to her because I was more in love with the idea of marriage than I was her. Just for the record, we did not get married because she was pregnant or anything like that... lol. Well, when I met my girlfriend I was upfront with her about the situation, but I felt right from the start that she was something special and deserved better than a dead end street like I was at the time. I knew that if we were ever going to have a future together and be in a position where I could give her everything she deserves that the divorce was going to have to happen. It could not wait anymore. My ex had become lazy and would not do anything to help with the bills or anything else and there was no end in sight. It was time and I was ready. So, after almost 3 years, wanting out of the marriage even before that, and that I was never in love with my ex-wife, I can honestly say that it was not a rebound.

As far as taking all the blame, yes, I do feel like it was all my fault because I became someone that my girlfriend had not fallen in love with. I was no longer the man she fell in love with. I do want that person back that I use to be and yes, I want her back. I'm trying to give her a little space right now. I don't want to give up. She said she wasn't in love with me, but I feel she still is and a friend of mine said she thought that it was BS about her not being in love with me too. I do feel my girlfriend or ex-girlfriend has some issues due to having a bad marriage herself though. I don't want to give up on her though because I really feel that what we had together until I lost myself was very special and everyone else saw it in us too. Us being apart doesn't feel right. Not like it usually does when one has a break up. It doesn't feel like this is what was meant to be for us.

Yes, I know this is a very complicated, long winded, and detailed story... lol.

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One more thing, my last post I said I felt she was still in love with me. I think in some way she may feel responsible for what happened with me. I do want her back, but I just don't know what to do. I know it has to start with me by getting back to being the person I use to be... the real me, but after that, I'm lost.

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