Seeing the ex for dinner and a movie- not a date as she has a boyfriend now

[Avathar]

Well my story is long and has been said before so I will jsut skip to the important stuff. My ex and broke up 3 months ago now due to she had increasing insecurities and I never said I wanted to marry her or even be with her forever. She just then assumed I wasn't thinking about us long term anymore or never was and that I didn't love her as much as she thought. So she broke it off and dated another guy a few weeks later. Is still dating him now actually. I spoke with her over an aim conversation after about a month and a half of very LC. We had a very funny and great conversation and I told her (as i told her before after we broke up, however I was depressed) that I always did want to marry her and I wanted it to be special when I asked her and I wanted to spend the rest of my life together with her. Either way we just reminced about the past great times we had and joked about video games becuase we both are big fans. The conversation got a little eh at a couple points however we sorted them out and continued to have a great conversation. We have plans to see dinner and a movie this Friday and I am still very much in love with her as she is with me she admits.

 

Yet she is confused and unsure of what is the best thing for her. She said way back when hopefully one day we could try again but she had to get over anger and insecurities first. Now I could tell when we talked she is not directly mad at me anymore. I told her I have just accepted the fact that she is dating someone else and I feel okay about it now. I'm unsure of EXACTLY how she feels after having a conversation like that with me since it was the first non argumentative one in about a month and a half.

 

I'm thinking of dressing up a little bit, putting on a shirt she bought me and just overall try to make her laugh and have a good time with me. I want to tell her that she looks just as beautiful as ever ect and hold the door for her and buy for her. Basically almost as if a first date over again even though she is dating this guy. Knowing her she probably won't feel awkward if I do all that becuase of our history. it won't seem wrong. Obviously it's not a date though and I won't try to kiss her or anything like that.

 

Should I flirt a little and see if she does back? When we were talking she joked a couple times "Oh i'm a bad girl remember" becuase i always joked that she was hinting to our sex. I know these two haven't had sex yet either and I was her first lover.

 

I want to pick all the things that she loved about me such as my humor, and my charm, and amplify them. I also want to reduce the negative things such as my selfishness and my cheapness when it comes to money. I just want to act like a gentleman for her.

 

She always wanted me to change the way I showed how I cared for her, becuase I never was very open except maybe after sex etc. She said I am different now, or rather seem different. Probably becuase she knows I really did think like that the whole time when we were together and I told her after. If I would have told her I wanted to marry her or had plans of it. We would still be together and she never would have broke it off I'm sure...we were deeply in love and actually we still are.

 

Is this my best approach? She is not leading me on I know as in she doesn't plan to instantly get back together with me come Friday but over Christmas i got a note and one line read "I can still see myself sharing everything with you again one day. I want our destinies to become intertwined, even if it's just as friends"

 

She can still see herself with me and I think she one day wants it still maybe however until something happens to make her certain that's what she wants. She isn't going to just come back to me. However I figure if I have a couple really good days with her and show her why she fell in love with me in the first place, as well as now it seems like I'm different, she may start to second guess herself thinking maybe we could be together sometime.

 

What do you guys suggest I do and more important do NOT do? I know talking about the bad parts of our relationship is an absolute no no. She seems fine and enjoys talking about the good parts we had, like the good memories we both have of when we were together.

[Mythical_Suicide]

My question is.. Does her bf know she is going out on a "date"(that is basically what it is no matter what she calls it..) with you? and is he ok with it?

[Avathar]

My question is.. Does her bf know she is going out on a "date"(that is basically what it is no matter what she calls it..) with you? and is he ok with it?

 

Funny thing there is. before they were official she told him that "no matter what I' still care about him and I'm going to see him if he wants to" and he said that it was fine. Then i talked to him in person to make peace with him and he said "I don't care if you take her out to eat or see a movie as long as you don't play the drama card"

 

This however was late October I was told this before they were "official" but they were hanging out as "friends" since a week after we broke up.

 

Honestly he probably won't like the idea that much especially since he's becoming more attached I'm sure of however he doesn't really have much of a say in it considering what she told him before he asked her to make it official and what he told me.

 

She is the type of girl that thinks women are * * * * * es and hangs out with way more guys. She even still hangs out with her ex before me actually maybe once every couple of weeks or so. So that's why what we are doing isn't anything much more than that. She isn't leading me on by letting me take her out. That's just how she is and always has been. However I still want to make her remember in person face to face why she fell in love with me.

 

This guy IMO is a rebound. She can't be single and literally picked him up and started to like him right after we broke up.

[hockeyboy]

She is not being fair to her current boyfriend and you are not being fair to yourself.

 

I feel bad for her boyfriend. As far as you...honestly, you come accross as desperate and needy by continuing to see her despite her breaking up with you and her being with another guy. Have some pride...self respect and move on

[Mythical_Suicide]

She is being selfish IMO. She wants YOU and her new bf. Why would you even want to be part of that?

 

The whole "that's just how she is" is nothing but BULLCRAP!! her new bf doesn't deserve that just because she wants to have her cake and eat it to.

 

He is nothing but a rebound? That isn't his fault, it's hers. If she doesn't want to be with him, she needs to end it before going on dates with you.

[lostandhurt]

First off if she is exclusive with this guy you shouldn't be sniffing around. That said:

 

You mentioned you want to ACT like this or that. Big mistake! You need to learn to be the man you want to be and learn to treat her like you think she should be treated instead of acting like it. Take this time away from her to figure out why you treated her the way you did in the past that made her have all these negative feelings about you. Once you can answer your own questions Honestly then you can begine to grow as the other half of a relationship.

 

P.S. not calling it a date doesn't mean it isn't one....

 

lost

[HeartGoesOn]

I think this is a bad idea altogether since she has a boyfriend, and you both have feelings for each other.

 

If she claims to still be in love with you, why is she still with the other guy? Also, if he's ok with you and her going to dinner and a movie, does he know that she told you that she still loves you?

 

Something doesn't add up here...

[renaissancewoman101]

Personally, I don't think it's wrong for the both of them to hang out. He doesn't have a gf and she SPECIFICALLY told her bf that she was going to stay friends with her ex, no ifs, ands or buts about it, and he ACCEPTED it. So, the bf does not have a leg to stand on if he were to make complaints about it.

 

This is what I mean when people have NO understanding about people staying friends with ex's. If she is ok with it, he shouldn't worry about anything else. Her bf's feelings shouldn't come into play here. Besides if one worries about others too much, one will end up being stepped on always.

 

Yes, I champion the cause of the ex always since I've been there a few too many times. Also, I've never been against any of my bf's (and there haven't been many), staying friends with their ex's.

[hockeyboy]

Personally, I don't think it's wrong for the both of them to hang out. He doesn't have a gf and she SPECIFICALLY told her bf that she was going to stay friends with her ex, no ifs, ands or buts about it, and he ACCEPTED it. So, the bf does not have a leg to stand on if he were to make complaints about it.

 

this kind of relationship sounds a lot different then any relationship i have with a female friend.

[Mythical_Suicide]

It's not that they are just hanging out as friends, They are still "in love" with each other and are only doing it to see where things go. It's not like they are just "hanging out" if that was the case I wouldn't see a problem with it they are doing something completely different though.

[Avathar]

I think this is a bad idea altogether since she has a boyfriend, and you both have feelings for each other.

 

If she claims to still be in love with you, why is she still with the other guy? Also, if he's ok with you and her going to dinner and a movie, does he know that she told you that she still loves you?

 

Something doesn't add up here...

 

I appreciate all the responses while they are negative hah. You see I am not acting like what I think she wants me to be just becuase of that reason. When She broke up with me I was crushed. I was depressed for a month straight and in that time I realized I loved her more than anything in this world. Now that things have been said, I am freely open to be able to talk about how I always did want to spend together with her. I may come off as needy now but honestly I'm just about finished chasing her. I should have been ages ago when she got a new bf yes, however I loved her too much.

 

This is the last thing I will do to make her see that It is me that she does want to be with forever.

 

In all honesty she is not being fair to her current boyfriend you are correct. He does not know that she is still in love with me. He just thinks that she just loves me becuase of our time together and we will always be friends. However she admits that even now she is still "in love" with me and will always find me attractive and sexy etc.

 

I can answer all my own questions. I know how she deserves to be treated. She only deserves the world and I am now the type of man to be able to give that to her. I was not, I was naive. I was arrogant. I was never terrible to her I just never showed her how much I cared. I never told her I wanted to spend my life with her or that I thought we would get married. She eventually thought it was just light and cute relationship and it wasn't going anywhere. I was crushed and I have come out as a person who just wants to see her happy.

 

I would like to note that I do NOT NEED to see her to go on. I did at first but I'm not desperate anymore. I see there are other women I could date. However I still am fully in love with her and It seems her insecurities have lessened dramatically. Even she herself said in the note "I thought I knew the extent of how much I deeply cared for you when I was with you. However I was wrong..." saying that she misses me a lot.

 

I am not asking how to ACT as my feelings towards her becuase I know how she deserves to be treated. I was asking what I should stay away from to not let her have anymore hard feelings...I just want her to realize we can be together forever if we tried again. We were both only 17 when we started the relationship and now we are going on 19. We both have changed a lot and we agreed that starting college changed us both a little.

[Avathar]

I would like to state that she isn't hanging out with me to "see where things go" she is doing it becuase she misses me a lot. The fact that she is still in love with me is irrelevant to the reason why she accepted to hang out with me. She is not leading me on. We have not spoken face to face in almost two months now and the last time I did...i was crying and I depressed and needy as hell. I want her to see a way different person now becuase I am different. I am in the process of changing as we speak however I changed a LOT not long after I realized how much I loved her.

 

This doesn't mean that she still doesn't see herself sharing everything with me again one day, as she stated. Honestly she isn;t being fair to her current boyfriend I agree. becuase she is hiding how much she really still does care for me. However that is not my problem, I'm the one that got dumped here and she accepted to hang out with me. I have told her already I don't think she should be dating him becuase I thought it was a rebound.

[lostandhurt]

This comes down to respect as far as going out with your ex for any reason. If you do not respect your bf enough to consider his feelings whether he says it's okay or not then you obviously do not care that much for him and certainly don't repsect him. This girl sounds like a piece of work if she does this to every guy she is with.

 

Time to look closely at your relationship with her. Perhaps there were good reasons you were stand offish about comitment. If you do marry her one day is she going to be going out with all her old bf from time to time? This is not a good way to have a solid relationship in any way shape or form. Please, what ever you do go into it with your eyes wide open and see her for what she is and will be. Don't let your loneliness cloud your vision.

 

lost

[Mythical_Suicide]

I would like to state that she isn't hanging out with me to "see where things go" she is doing it becuase she misses me a lot. The fact that she is still in love with me is irrelevent to the reason why she accepted to hang out with me. She is not leading me on. We have not spoken face to face in almost two months now and the last time I did...i was crying and I depressed and needy as hell. I want her to see a way different person now becuase I am different. I am in the process of changing as we speak however I changed a LOT not long after I realized how much I loved her.

 

 

No, the fact that she is still in love with you ISN'T irrelevant. If i'm still in love with someone and have a new bf I would not be hanging out with them just to see them. There would be alot more motive behind it than just that.

 

Everything you have said points to it being a "See where things go" type meeting. Otherwise why would you feel the need to mention that you two are still in love and she has mentioned possibilities of you two getting back together in the future? If it was just two friends catching up, those two would be irrelevant but the fact that you want to try so hard to impress her, there is alot more there. Whether you want to admit it or not.

[Avathar]

No, the fact that she is still in love with you ISN'T irrelevant. If i'm still in love with someone and have a new bf I would not be hanging out with them just to see them. There would be alot more motive behind it than just that.

 

Everything you have said points to it being a "See where things go" type meeting. Otherwise why would you feel the need to mention that you two are still in love and she has mentioned possibilities of you two getting back together in the future? If it was just two friends catching up, those two would be irrelevant but the fact that you want to try so hard to impress her, there is alot more there. Whether you want to admit it or not.

 

On my side yes I want to see where things will go. Her side she wants to see if we can be friends. She does want to have her cake and eat it too I know.

 

In all honesty I swear that I now just want to see her happy no matter what. If I thought she could be happily ever after with this man and that he was better for her than me I would accept that. However I don't think that is the case at all. I think he was a rebound and was just there for her when she needed someone the most. If I can't make her see this after a few times we hang out: then I will give up and accept that I must not be able to make her happy enough in this world and that I must truly let her go...this girl is so special to me and she is very loyal once she loves someone. She would never cheat on me and in her mind she is not cheating on her current boyfriend by just wanting to see me becuase she misses me. her thinking is clouded right now.

[Mythical_Suicide]

On my side yes I want to see where things will go. Her side she wants to see if we can be friends. She does want to have her cake and eat it too I know.

 

In all honesty I swear that I now just want to see her happy no matter what. If I thought she could be happily ever after with this man and that he was better for her than me I would accept that. However I don't think that is the case at all. I think he was a rebound and was just there for her when she needed someone the most. If I can't make her see this after a few times we hang out: then I will give up and accept that I must not be able to make her happy enough in this world.

 

 

 

Your motives behind this are completely wrong. You only want to make her realize her new bf is wrong for her. You need to be completely honest with yourself, she is with someone else. You don't need to be going out on a date with her for those reasons. It is quite unfair to her bf. You say you could be happy for her if she doesn't want to be with you, but do you really mean that? If that was the case, you'd be happy for her now and let her be until she decides what she wants.

[hockeyboy]

We were both only 17 when we started the relationship and now we are going on 19. We both have changed a lot and we agreed that starting college changed us both a little.

 

And guess what...in a few more years you'll both change a lot again..and again after then I'm sure.

 

You keep saying she "deserves." What makes her deserve all these things?

[Avathar]

Your motives behind this are completely wrong. You only want to make her realize her new bf is wrong for her. You need to be completely honest with yourself, she is with someone else. You don't need to be going out on a date with her for those reasons. It is quite unfair to her bf. You say you could be happy for her if she doesn't want to be with you, but do you really mean that? If that was the case, you'd be happy for her now and let her be until she decides what she wants.

 

My motives are to convince myself that I am or am not right for her. As I was by not being open enough about my feelings, I was not right for her I admit. However me as a more open person about my real feelings to her I think I can be. If I can't sway her to think differently then I will not be right for her still yet.

 

Sure, if I can't sway her I will be sad....however deep down I just want her to be happy and if being with me won't make her the happiest after all then I want just that.

 

I have done a lot of soul searching and working on myself. Unlike her, I spent a few months working on myself single instead of just covering it up with another relationship.

[Avathar]

And guess what...in a few more years you'll both change a lot again..and again after then I'm sure.

 

You keep saying she "deserves." What makes her deserve all these things?

 

Because I know how big of a heart she has and she never once in our relationship made me feel like I was not the apple of her eye. I knew that she did want to be with me forever not becuase she said it but becuase I could tell by the way she acted. I still cry sometimes becuase I was not open enough about my feelings and I did not give her that same feeling all the time....I regret that more than anything.

 

I feel like my naiveness of this world has been torn from me. Looking back that my first real long term relationship and I was naive and arrogant that it would never end. I now have had my innocence of love stolen from me and I realize that the best things in life you have to work for everyday and just not "expect" them to continue on without too much effort. I took her love for granted by not giving her the same security back that I wanted to be with her forever. Now, I feel like I am much more ready to adapt to the ever changing world and love.

[Mythical_Suicide]

 

I have done a lot of soul searching and working on myself. Unlike her, I spent a few months working on myself single instead of just covering it up with another relationship.

 

 

You keep saying this but honestly you don't know if that is the truth or not. They could be the perfect couple. Is this just your way of coping with it? Trying to make yourself believe that she is just covering something up?

 

I still think it is a bad idea, you're hoping to get alot more out of this than she is. Does she know you only want to do this to see if something will come from it? Or does she just think you want to be friends?

[chilledsugar]

dude, you're both ONLY 19.

You need to date others.

[Avathar]

You keep saying this but honestly you don't know if that is the truth or not. They could be the perfect couple. Is this just your way of coping with it? Trying to make yourself believe that she is just covering something up?

 

I still think it is a bad idea, you're hoping to get alot more out of this than she is. Does she know you only want to do this to see if something will come from it? Or does she just think you want to be friends?

 

They could be. Who knows. I don't know and that's why I still want to have one or two more good nights with her to see if she will become more sure of what she wants in life. I know what I want. I want to be with her, however above all I just want to see her happy....

 

Yes I am hoping while she isn't. In the end I only have myself to hurt if that is the case. As long as this night out doesn't cause her deep pain then I am fine with it.

[Mythical_Suicide]

I just read your previous posts. Have you ever dated anyone else besides this girl?

You seem to be, somewhat obsessed with getting her back even though she is happy with someone else.

[Avathar]

I just read your previous posts. Have you ever dated anyone else besides this girl?

You seem to be, somewhat obsessed with getting her back even though she is happy with someone else.

 

She was my first long term relationship. She is happy enough with her relationship however she has been depressed becuase she is confused about what is best for her. I am very good friends with her sister and she said that my ex has been spending more time alone during our college break than anything. She said that she has been a bit depressed and seems to be just moping around and doesn't seem to know whats "worth fighting for". I think that her current boyfriend was a drug for her as a rebound. She barley even mourned our two year relationship after it happened and I think his high properties are reducing now that the relationship is not as fresh. I could tell by her note in the Christmas card that she finally was actually mourning our relationship ending. it was never apparent until then how much she actually loved me basically and missed me.

 

Now sure I can be just kidding myself in the end and nothing will probably come of this....date or whatever it is. However I love her and what have I got to lose? What does she have to lose....if she is truly happy with her current relationship she won't be hurt in the end by us hanging out. If I am, oh well I will handle that later.

[Mythical_Suicide]

They could be. Who knows. I don't know and that's why I still want to have one or two more good nights with her to see if she will become more sure of what she wants in life. I know what I want. I want to be with her, however above all I just want to see her happy....

 

Yes I am hoping while she isn't. In the end I only have myself to hurt if that is the case. As long as this night out doesn't cause her deep pain then I am fine with it.

 

 

I take back what I said about her earlier, she isn't really being selfish, you are leading her on pretty much. She only wants friendship, while you want more. You need to tell her, you don't want a friendship with her you just want to get her back. I'm sure that might make her change her mind really quick about just "hanging out" with you. She is happy, let her be. If she changes her mind and wants to get back with you, she will come back. You don't need to lead her on thinking you want to be friends when in reality you just want to pursue more and try to make her realize her new bf is a "rebound" (which in all honesty from reading your previous posts he doesn't sound like a rebound, she left you for him pretty much.)