Need advice/insight

[bigs]

Hello,

 

I've been spending the morning browsing sites and cannot find a situation comparable to mine, so here I am.

 

I've been with my SO for several years and he's handsome, smart, funny, etc.

 

BUT...

 

He has no friends. I've repeatedly asked him why, and he says he doesn't want or need them. I've explained that I think this is an issue, but he will not budge - he says he's fine.

 

Over the past year, he's started guilt tripping me about going out with friends. We've essentially lived together and been inseparable throughout our entire relationship, so I'm partly to blame for letting it excel to this point, but I see friends without him around about once a month, and subsequently don't enjoy myself the entire time because I'm anxious about his guilt trip.

 

Let me be clear that he never expresses anger when I want to go out, just sadness and a bit of cold-shouldering.

 

My family loves him and we do have a few (well, two) mutual friends that we go out and enjoy time with.

 

He's asked me to quit one of my jobs, because he thinks we're spending too much time apart and will never see each other. We live together, work one of our jobs together and see each other every day! I refused to quit, and though I didn't tell him - part of it is because it's my only time ever away from him. As he has no social life, I never have time to myself.

 

Additionally, he's started making some comments about women that I find troublesome: he's constantly quoting me statistics about cheating women, or calling women * * * * s on tv, etc. Any time there is a relationship on screen he says "she's just going to cheat on him." He's never directed any of the insults to me, but definitely makes comments to me such as "you're going to break up with me to hang out with all of your other boyfriends." He says it in a joking way, but I'm becoming really wary of it.

 

I've finally gotten to the point where I realize that the former paragraph is not my fault: I've tried every angle to convince him of loyalty to him, but I've now accepted that it stems from his own insecurity and I'm not to blame for his mistrust of me, or women in general, or whatever it is. Nonetheless, it is affecting our relationship.

 

Last, a couple of months ago, I confronted him about the controlling issue and how I felt isolated from my friends. His reaction was a bit odd: his jaw clenched and he said "Why don't you just break up with me then?" I told him this was a bit manipulative, to which he exclaimed that he can never do anything right and I always turn things around on him. I thought maybe bringing it to his attention would change the behavior, but it hasn't much. He denied constantly giving me a guilt trip when I ask (yes, ask) to go out.

 

Again, I realize I've played a part by letting it escalate to this point, but I'm really in need of some insight. Any ideas?

 

Thanks so much.

[savignon]

It sounds like you've gathered quite a bit of insight yourself already. Ask yourself....if he's not willing to change his behaviors, and even blames you or guilts you about them, will you continue to be happy in the relationship? While you have played a part by 'letting it escalate', it does not mean you need to shoulder this guilt for the rest of your relationship. A healthy couple is 2 people who come together in union, but not who merge together into one being. He may feel that a 'couple who really loves each other' is together all the time or (insert any other belief)...and your feelings can be at odds with his. Talk to him about how he sees your future together...with you home all the time or are you able to go out and not feel guilty about it? Ask him straight out and pay attention to his answers. If he's jaw-clenched and can't talk about it without getting angry, then take that as an indication of how your future with him will go. It sounds like you already have a lot of information/experience to know what he's like and how conflict goes. It's up to you to decide if you can work with that or if you want to get out. I had a boyfriend like that once and said to him, "It seems to me like you're looking for a girl who will merge with you and be with you all the time and there are many girls who want that, like that, and will be flattered by your jealousy....but, that girl is not me."

[catfeeder]

My heart goes out to you. I was in a similar dismal situation, and when I sought someone's wise counsel it became clear to me that I didn't want to play social worker with a BF. If that could possibly work, I would have tried harder--but it distorts your healthy vision into being all about catering to someone else's manipulation. And it won't change.

 

We never get any time back, and in my case, I opted not to waste the remainder of my youth playing a codependent nursemaid to someone else's pathology. It was the best decision I ever made.

 

In your corner.

[bigs]

Thank you both for you considerate and thoughtful responses.

 

I spoke to him about the behavior, and he's not acknowledging its veracity. Maybe denial? He said it was unfair, that many women go through awful things and to compare our relationship to that is cruel. I didn't really think it was unfair.

 

At any rate, the fight's over, but there's no resolution. It feels forgotten, just beneath the surface, sure to appear at any second.

 

But thank you both again for your words, I definitely get strength from them.