5 Dates with ex since breakup and still nothing :(

[HopeArises]

Hi Everybody.

 

Well, my ex and I went out for about 8 months. We're both around 30 years old. Over the course of our relationship things started falling apart for me. I was laid off of my job. Money became a HUGE issue for me. I became very nervous and irritable and just plain insecure, seeing my ex started paying for dinners and even gave me a couple of loans. She was a sweetheart, who never made any demands. Her job found her on the road every now and then for tradeshows (usually a week at a time). I didn't make things easy on her. I became needy and critical. I made her feel bad about things she had no control over and she cried and cried and I knew I was hurting her, but was too weak at time to stop. She tried leaving me a couple of times, but both times she couldn't go through with it. She loved me and hoped that things would improve. Especially my confidence which had become non-existent. I had ballooned up in weight since she met me. Gaining at least 30 pounds. I was drowning and was taking her down with me. The final straw was when she was away for a week and I made her time away a living hell. I had accused her of things she didn't do. I hurt her and she had enough of the insecure guy who didn't show he had any trust in her or in himself. SO, she came back and ended it with me.

 

I immediately accepted her decision and was very understanding. I apologized, letting her know that I let her down by having given up on her before she HAD to give up on me and on us. That very day I made an appointment with a psychologist and started to run outdoors. Well, seeing I handled the breakup so well and took full responsibility for it, she actually felt comfortable enough with me to meet me for a drink 4 days after the breakup. She made a point to say that she already noticed a physical change in me. I had probably lost about 13 pounds by that point. She said she was happier now that she doesn't have to worry about saying or doing the wrong thing. I told her I understood. I was sympathetic. One week later she agreed to go out with me for dinner. I was a really nice night. She seemed to be warming up to me. A week later I went to her place for dinner. It was a really nice night. I acted very aloof and in good spirits and she seemed to be acting very friendly with me. By this point I had dropped about 25 pounds (running 1 hour a day will do that to you . She was doing a lot of SEXUAL flirting, but no talk of the relationship at all. Two days later I went to her place to drop something off. We ended up having a beer and talked, but she seemed distant. Take into account, my feelings had grown since the breakup. I had regained my confidence (even started paying her back the money she lent me). I was taking charge of my life and she knew it. Nevertheless, she seemed distant and seemed to be trying hard to JUST be friends with me in her demeanor and attitude. It felt forced. I called her on it and she said she is happier now with being on her own than she was when she was with me the way things were going and she just wants to be friends. I told her I had to go. She asked me if there was anything wrong. I told her that I realize that I had been the one doing all the initiating since the breakup. She then asked me if I would like to go ice skating with her the following weekend. I said sure.

 

For the first time she initiated contact a couple of days later and again a couple of nights later, telling me she is looking forward to seeing me. All of this left me confused.

 

Well, we saw each other tonight and we went to a movie together and she put her head on my shoulder and it FELT like we were bonding. Then we go out for dinner and I sense her being OVERLY distant and almost uninterested again. HOT and COLD. HOT and COLD. I then say, you're completely over me, aren't you? This through her off. She said she still loves me, but doesn't want to be in a relationship. She wants to be selfish and be there for herself now. She said she sees that I am TRULY changing for REAL this time, but it's only been a month and she doesn't yet trust me that it's something that can be permanent.

 

I told her that I understood and we went to our respective places tonight. She is supposed to come over tomorrow night to pick something up from my place and I'm preparing her some supper.

 

Now, here's the thing. Everything she wanted to see from me during the relationship is NOW in place. My confidence is back. I have shed 35 pounds. I am getting my finances together and am seeing a therapist on a weekly basis. She keeps emphasizing how happy she NOW is being single, yet she seems to still want to see me (which has so far been once a week).

 

I am confused, but am continuing to respect her and not put on any pressure.

 

I would appreciate if anyone can offer me their opinion and advice? Many people would love to be where I am at (having their ex be not only in contact with them, but actually do things with them), but this is a strange place. I am in control of my emotions and she sees this and admits it, YET, her wall still seems to be up.

[hockeyboy]

I think that when you break up, regardless of the circumstances, you need some time apart (at the minimum), which apparently is not happening here.

[savignon]

Her wall will be up for awhile. Do a little math and consider that you'll have to have MORE nights with her like these than ones where you treated her badly. So, you'll know how many that is. Five or ten great nights will not begin to erase months of cruelty, although they may start to mend a little hurt. I think you're both doing what's right for your individual selves and the fact that you're really actually changing and taking responsibility for your past actions is fantastic and counsiling works wonders (in my opinion)...it sounds like you really love her and value her and in that case be patient and let her have her space while continuing to show her the kind of guy you want to be and are becoming.

Best wishes and Happy New Year!

[prinzbsr]

Some period of NC is always a good thing. everything I have read here and elsewhere always talks about a period of NC, usually it's good to go 3 or 4 weeks.

 

It looks like she has seen you doing the right things that you need to however. You've lost weight, you're getting yoru finances taken care of...you're showing her that you DON'T need her.

 

It's your choice to keep getting together or not, but I'd say let things happen as they have been. Her wanting to be with you is a good thing. Time away would be great, but if you want her back, you don't want to lose her either.

 

Continue to hang out is what I say, but don't hold yourself back. Go out with yoru buddies and have a fun time. Hopefully she is sitting at home or out there on her work trips thinking aobut how she would love to talk to you right now.

 

You've done it all right and I think you're on yoru way to getting back together.

[HopeArises]

You know, you would think that our times together since the breakup and the impression I have been leaving on her has made her at least OPEN TO, or want to potentially consider the option of getting back together, but she doesn't want to give me any hope at a possible reconciliation.

 

She says she's happy for me and all the changes I am making, which tells me she sees with her own eyes, but then she says that she is now happy being single and taking care of herself, seeing that she wasn't happy when with me the way things were going, which is obvious of course.

 

SO, I have a girl who accepts to meet up with me once a week since the breakup, but seems to make it clear that it is only as friends and that she doesn't want to get back together with me. On the other hand, I do get mixed signals from her at times. She'll put her head on my shoulder in the movie. She'll hold my hand when walking accross the street. We'll look at each other in a way that is more than just friends.

 

She knows how I feel about her. I don't tell her DIRECTLY, but it is implied in the way I look at her and the way I am around her. You can't hide it in your eyes and body language and tone, but I see her desperately trying to fight those urges to give in to feelings that she may have for me. She seems to force herself to suppress them so that she doesn't go back on her word, YET, she continues to see me on a weekly basis?

[jettison]

I think her feelings are likely still there, but at this point it will take a long time for her to trust you enough to open up again. Once you go through something painful like a breakup, revisiting that hurt is not something someone in her position is very eager to do.

 

You cannot force this thing at all. It's possible that you two won't reconcile, that this will all fall apart. It's a certainty that you two won't remain friends though. You have a goal in mine, and that's her. That's not a friendship. At the same time, if you keep spending time with her then at least a reconciliation is possible. Your best bet, however, is to occasionally set some boundaries, to sometimes say no to invitations, to not be there every single time she needs you. However, when you do see her then keep being sweet and good to her. This at least lends you a fighting chance.

[HopeArises]

I see now that she NEEDS that wall between us (post breakup) and if she perceives that it is not there she will RUN AWAY. This is quite a frustrating process, because I can't get too close to her and I don't know if she'll ever allow me to again, or more so allow herself to again. Enough to want to RE-enter into a relationship with me. I wonder what I can do (short of making the improvements in my own life) to a. give her the continued reassurance and b. allow her to WANT to give it another try without feeling like she is weak and compromising her self-respect. She fears that she will lose her INDEPENDENCE if she comes back to me and to her that is enough of an incentive to NOT want to entertain the idea of giving it another try.

 

She reacts well to one or two sweet things I might do for her. Giving to her without any fanfare, but she usually reacts well to it after I have given her a little space. She then is receptive and even feels comfortable enough to initiate on her own, but when I get positive feedback and I go back in and give a little more, she then pulls back and it feels like we are back to square one. It's HER process and I realize that I have to work around it, not my own.