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I'm confused, what does it matter now?


dani_7

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What does he mean by this? He has me confused?

 

Awhile back I started talking to a guy online just as friends, over time the friendship developed into a bit more, we were interested in each other but never met in person. He was married, but separated, I wasn't 100% truthful about things about myself. Over the course of our online friendship we talked alot about oral sex and how much we both enjoyed it, something that his wife didn't enjoy so that had been awhile for him. We also talked about me never really having been in love, and he said that he would love to be the man to show me what love could be like. He and I lived about 3 hours apart, and due to many factors never met.

A few months ago he got back together with his wife, which although I had feelings for him, as I had not been 100% truthful with him, I honestly couldn't be too upset over it. We however decided that we could both be mature adults and go back to being the friends we had been before he was separated.(he and I have been friends online for almost a year, his wife knew he talked to me, and the feelings he had for me actually helped her see that she wanted him back, as 3 days after she found out that he and I were talking/flirting online she came home. BTW, she left him in the first place).

A short time after he and his wife got back together things happened in my life and I told him the truth about me, everything. He now knows all that I lied about, everything, every detail, and why. He is choosing to still be my friend even though I was so wrong, that what I did was the worst, and I know how lucky I am that he is still my friend.

He has told me since then that he still cares about me as a person, the same as he always did, whether I am who I am or who I pretended to be.

He has asked me if things we talked about (the oral sex) were really okay, if I really felt about it the way I said I did and the feelings that I had for him were real.

 

So what does he mean? What does it really matter if how I felt was real? or if the talk about oral sex was really okay with me? And what does he mean about he still feels for me the way he always did? Explain please. I'm so confused!

 

 

 

*****And please no lectures about my lying to him, or him being married. We, him and I are past those and moving forward, as just friends. His wife knows that he and I still talk, as friends. She can access his accounts and see anything we say if and when she wants to. She is actually grateful to me, in a weird way, because if I hadn't been in his life, at least online she wouldn't have come back to him. I am not a the type to cheat on anyone so he is just a friend to me now. I know that I was so wrong to lie to him about anything, and I am making that up to him, but that is between me and him, and something I have to deal with the guilt over everyday. I have never behaved live this before, and never would again.

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Dani_7

 

Regardless of how complex or sensitive guys might appear outwardly, the truth is that just below the surface (in their subconscious), guys are focused hunters, constantly looking to satisfy their very basic needs. (This is why many times they are compared to dogs who are also always ready to drop everything when a satisfaction opportunity presents itself.)

 

Two of the basic needs pursued by men include the need to feel loved and the need to scratch their sexual itch. Many times these two are so tightly interwoven, men will pursue either, subconsciously convinced that getting one will indicate a potential or the achievement of the other.

 

When you were talking to your friend online over these last few months, you may have been discussing feelings and relationships, but what his subconscious heard was this: "blah blah blah sex blah blah blah oral sex blah blah blah willing partner blah blah blah opportunity..."

 

That is why he is going to continue to pursue your friendship and why he wants to make sure to clarify that an opportunity is still there for him. Don't be surprised if you mention you are ready to deliver and 3 hours later you hear a knock on your door.

 

Much to your disappointment, you can't make a race horse out of a mule... or in this instance... you can't make a sensitive, relationship caring, woman-like person out of this man.

 

One last point about people in general. If they commit to a long-term relationship (e.g. marriage) yet their solution for fixing shortcomings in that relationship is to invest time and energy outside of that relationship, they are a person who does not understand the maturity, dedication and sacrifice necessary to make any relationship succeed.

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If you don't want lectures, don't mess around with a marriage, because if it was your marriage...what would you do then? Either way, they were separated so I don't care and most wouldn't...

 

...but NOW they're not separated, so you would do you best to stop looking so much into this man's actions, and be his friend as you say you wish to be. Move on emotionally, or you will only bring yourself problems if you get attached and try to pursue anything. ...and if you say you aren't trying anything, then you'd best stop asking questions like these and let go.

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But that is why I wonder about it, they ARE back together, so why does how I feel or felt matter to him now? He didn't find out I lied about anything until several weeks after they got back together.

 

I don't plan on doing anything about feelings for him, the situations we are both in currently, (forget that he is married, I have issues of my own at the moment) prevent us from being anything more than friends even if he were single right now anyway.

I just want to know, if he is back with her, why it matters? I know he loves her, he was devastated when she left him and that was something he and I talked about as friends.

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