Break up / Friends with Benefits

[SpringTulips]

I have recently gotten through a break up with someone I was sleeping with a couple of months ago. We didn't talk for two months, I had removed him out of my life, because I wanted to sort things out, and get emotionally stable again, but I recently added him back to get closure.

 

The thing was he said he missed the sex we had, so I showed up at his place again, realizing that if things were not to work out, at least I'd get to see him one last time (I had been hoping for that for months). After that, a couple of days later I asked him what his final decision was, whether he wants to start all over again, or to let me go, he sent me an email saying how we are too different to be together.

 

It's not like I didn't know we were too different, but I guess this time he said he thought I had changed, but my views on sex never changed, I knew he wasn't looking for a relationship, but I still went to see him, not with the intention of changing his mind, I just wanted to see him. So then after the email, I guess it gave me closure to better understand why things can't seem to work out between us, mainly because I can't seem to accept casual sex, and he seems like the complete opposite when it comes to sex, or that we see things in life very differently.

 

I'm glad to a certain extent, that he made that final decision, because then I wouldn't need to take responsiblity, nor run the risk of developing regrets if I were to have made that decision. After that, he chose this time to remove me from his life, which I think is also a good thing because I would rather have him make the first move, and then reciprocate it. Maybe I'm just a bit spineless when it comes to these things, but I would rather have the guy decide, even if I wanted the same thing, because that is how I behave when it comes to relationships of any sort.

 

What is your opinion?

[purpleduckie]

my opinion is somewhat harsh, but why would you let yourself be in a friends with benefits situation when you don't want casual sex? i say situation because it's not a relationship. girlfriend, you do need to get a spine. stand up for what you want or you'll always be hurt.

[SpringTulips]

Well, basically what happened was, when I got into it, I had never tried it before, and thought it would be fun, until I got emotionally attached. I didn't get into it firsthand knowing I couldn't do it.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Most women do eventually get attached when they try FWB situations.

 

So far better to spend your time trying to meet new people and get a real boyfriend rather than wasting time with someone who is a dead end.

 

But more important, i think it is wrong to 'let the man decide' because you are not taking responsbility for yourself and your life. And it also assumes that all men are good guys who have your best interests at heart, when there are many users and abusers out there, and if one gets ahold of you you're in big trouble if you passively accept his decisions rather than making your own. And even with a good guy, maybe his interests conflict with yours, and if you let him always decide, he is deciding on what is good for him, which might not be good for you.

 

Remember this is your life and you are not a child and the man the parent. A parent must make decisions for a child, but once you're an adult, that's your job, not some random guy's job just because he's a guy.

[SpringTulips]

Yea. I knew he wasn't going to change his mind about offering a relationship, so I figured I would simply let him realize this friends with benefits wasn't going to work out between us. I actually told him that if he couldn't respect me as a person, that we shouldn't see each other for sex. I guess I told him what I want, and he replied how we see things very differently, and decided that I'm not someone he can have fun with with no strings attached. Next time around, I won't get myself involved in this type of arrangement with any other man, I didn't know it was going to be this painful.

[civilservant]

Uh, there are plenty of female user/abusers out there too BSBH. Let's not gender sterotype here.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I'm not gender stereotyping, i am referring to her particular case, where she is a female dating males and hence my comment about protecting herself from men who use/abuse.

[SpringTulips]

Anyone else have anything to share regarding my story?

[mijo]

It's a really tough situation and one that is far too easy to get into.

 

My ex and I broke up around 5/6 weeks ago and have been in LC since, we have said we want to stay friends but I was secretly wanting him back. We broke up over the phone so I haven't seen him since the break-up and last time I saw him everything was fine, so I was the same as you wanting to see him one last time etc etc.

 

Last Friday night at around 3am I got a text saying "are you awake?x" from my ex, the conversation continued and he said he was near my house and could he come round for a cuddle. Luckily I was staying elsewhere so I said I wasn't in anyway and as friends we probably shouldn't do that, but he kept persisting asking where I was staying could he come there because he just wants to see me. But we all know what a 3am call asking for a cuddle really means...

 

As much as I'd like to see him again I am glad that I wasn't at home so there was no chance of me saying yes to him coming round. I didn't hear from him for a few days and then this morning he text asking how I was and we mentioned our plans for new years eve. He wrote "I'm going to a house party - it's just round the corner from your place actually...". I could be wrong but I am imagining I'll get another text or phone call in the early hours of new years day, I just hope I manage to say no again. Think I will tell my friends to make sure I don't see him as I just don't want to fall into a FWB situation. I liked him as so much more than that and don't think I could settle for being just a fwb - especially when they end up finding a new GF.

 

I can totally understand how you got into the situation, but it isn't a good one. You need to move on and find someone who deserves you and is going to treat you well! Go NC with this guy, he will soon notice you're not there for him anymore

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Mijo... sometimes you have to have that explicit conversation with him. Next time he calls, tell him that you don't cuddle or have sex with your friends, so you won't be doing that with him and if that is why he is calling don't bother. If he wants to get back with you then tell you and you'd consider it, but FWB is not acceptable.

 

You may hear from him again after that or not, but if all he wants is random FWB sex, he's better off not in your life at all making you feel bad and long for him when he's just using you for sex.

[mijo]

Mijo... sometimes you have to have that explicit conversation with him. Next time he calls, tell him that you don't cuddle or have sex with your friends, so you won't be doing that with him and if that is why he is calling don't bother. If he wants to get back with you then tell you and you'd consider it, but FWB is not acceptable.

 

You may hear from him again after that or not, but if all he wants is random FWB sex, he's better off not in your life at all making you feel bad and long for him when he's just using you for sex.

 

Hey,

 

Yup I know you're right! I have no intention of sleeping with him now that we have broken up, it's hard because we are still trying to be friends - he texts me normally during the week and asks how I'm doing, what I'm up to etc but then just randomly on friday I got that - that was the first time since breaking up that he had in any way suggested us having that kind of involvement. I blame alcohol and feeling lonely over christmas...but who knows.

I may be wrong about new years eve but we will wait and see. I have people staying at my house over new years so he wont be coming over. I know I need to be more explicit with him if he tries it again, I just hope I can be. I'd like to think he'd respect me more than to use me like that, but that was obviously what was on his mind when he text.

[blondie100]

yep..i can see how u got into this situation...it is really hard to resist someones who u once were with....it happened to me. I was with my bf for a year, then we broke up for a year. however for about 3 months of that time we were 'seeing each other'... at first i was adament i was in control, just abit of fun but obv not coz after a while we got back together proply and went out for another year and a half! (then we broke up recently!) so yea i do understand its hard...but i would try to avoid 'friend with benefits situation' at all costs!!xxxxxx