Dating older women?

[Clarity]

For whatever reason, I've always been under the impression that I should be dating girls my age or younger. It seems to be the social norm and, as shallow as it is, I think most guys prefer to date girls younger than them because the younger they are, the longer they will remain attractive (don't shoot the messenger!).

 

That being said, after being on the dating scene for some time now, I am very disappointed with the maturity and priorities of *most* girls (I refuse to call them women yet) I have encountered in the dating pool. Some of them have had the maturity I look for, but they have been in the minority.

 

I have never really considered dating a *woman* (that's what I want, not a *girl*) much older than me (i.e. 30 and up), but recently I'm getting more attention from women in their 30's. They're attractive, have their lives together, but I still can't get that stigma out of my head - the big 3 in front of their age, the chance that they might have ticking bio-clocks, if I'm with one, will I regret it when I'm older?

 

I know these aren't all rational thoughts, it's just what's going through my head. I'd love to hear from those who have experience with these kind of relationships (guys in 20s, woman in 30s) and how they feel about them.

[Raistlin]

I know I'm only 21, but I've only dated girls around my age or a bit younger. I, like you, have never dated a *woman*. Only *girls*. And it's shown in my relationships.

 

People have always told me that I'm more mature than most people my age, and recently, my friends and family have all told me to try dating *women* that are older than I am.

 

At first, I didn't think this would be a good idea since I'm only 21. I don't have a problem with dating old women, but thought they would look at me as the younger *boy*. However, I've been talking to a 23 year old woman, and we've been getting on pretty well. It's still in the very beginning stage where we're feeling each other out, but it seems to be going well so far.

 

All I can say is don't be intimidated by a number. Numbers a fruitless... unless you're with a 30-something who's acting like they're still in high school.

[shes2smart]

My husband's 11 years younger than me. We met when I was 37 and he was 26.

 

Works fine for us.

 

I knew from the age of 15 that I didn't want kids, so this bio-clock thing wasn't an issue. I have yet to hear a single "tick" out of mine, so don't assume that just because someone's got a uterus it means they want to use it for its intended purpose.

 

What it comes down to is how you get along with a specific individual and if you have compatible relationship goals. Both my husband and I knew we wanted to be in a relationship leading to marriage sooner rather than later before we ever met each other. The relationship goals were a match, we got along well and we had that elusive thing called "chemistry" that makes the interaction more than a friendship. We got married less than a year after we first chatted online.

[JadedStar]

It is up to the individual. Dating an older woman may not appeal to every guy and there is probably good reason for that and its just as well. But for other guys it works and basically for the reasons you mentioned. Some guys don't find as many young girls their age they can connect with. this occurs for many reasons, one of them being maturity levels.

 

My advice is date people you feel compatible with and don't get caught up in pursuing a specific age group. If the woman you really like is older, go with it. If she is younger or your age, then go with it.

 

If i was single it is very unlikely i could date a younger guy but i wouldn't rule it out. There are people with differnet levels of maturity in every age group. I have a guy friend who just turned 27 who is honestly more mature than many of the guys i know who are 45+. Maturity and age don't ALWAYS go hand in hand.

[Clarity]

Thanks for your input, it's much appreciated and it sounds like a great story.

 

I should clarify my bio-clock comment. I *do* want to have kids, eventually, but not within the next few years, which I'm afraid a woman in her 30s (who also wants to have kids) might want.

[shes2smart]

I should clarify my bio-clock comment. I *do* want to have kids, eventually, but not within the next few years, which I'm afraid a woman in her 30s (who also wants to have kids) might want.

 

Someone your age might also want kids right now, too.

 

There are certain issues that are going to crop up in every relationship no matter if your ages are decades apart or miliseconds apart. Don't make those issues "age difference problems." Because, if you do, then you also make them problems that have no solutions because you cannot change your ages. If you look at them as things that everyone who tries to merge lives with another person has to deal with, then you open the door to solutions and compromises.

 

Anytime you're looking to merge lives with someone there will be certain broad issues that will be potential deal-breakers if you cannot come to some sort of agreement:

 

Children yes/no and the timing of having children if you both agreed it was a "yes"

 

Where are we going to live - if you decide to combine households

 

Are our spiritual/religious beliefs compatible?

 

Do we have similar relationship goals? (someone who wants to get married should not be with someone who thinks marriage is a crock of crap...because one or the other of them is going to be unhappy)

 

The way you both handle your finances and your beliefs on how combined finances should be handled

 

Even the issue of "who dies first" is universal to all relationships, not just one where there is an age gap.

 

So, really, you need to look at the things that you are chalking up to "it's a problem because of the age difference" and see if it would still be a problem if your potential partner was your age and not years older than you.

 

If it would still be an issue, it's not an age problem.

[JadedStar]

Well eveyrone you date might not turn into longterm so wanting kids might be moot, but wanting kids DOES change the playing field a bit when contemplating dating older women since many have had their kids and don't want anymore or don't have any and that is by choice.

 

But some young wmoen you date might not want any either. Today more women than ever just don't want any, so age alone won't guarantee finding someone who also wants children.

 

This is why in the beginning days of dating there is kind of an unspoken screening process that should take place for both parties to determine longterm compatibility. It can save heartache down the line.

[servedcold]

Unless she expressly states her feelings about wanting kids or not during the first few dates, whether a woman wants kids or not and when should be one of the very last things on your mind. Unfortunately, many will try to bring this up way too early as a test. Don't let them, deflect, and keep your own life goals and values in mind. Try not to start thinking along the lines of "ending up with" any particular woman until you have dated for a significant amount of time.

 

As far as older women go, there are 30-40+ women who are better in every way that you could possibly imagine than the average 20 something, and vice versa, and will remain so their whole lives. Look at their lifestyle, character and emotional maturity rather than their numerical age. Go out with as many women of different ages as you can.

 

On the other hand, there are some "absolute" age limits, but at 27, you have many years before those become a concern other than the possibility of a "Harold and Maude" scenario

[doyathink]

I was 31, and my ex was 23 when we started dating. We married a year later. It lasted 9 years total...

I've always dated younger then me, so maybe thats why it wasn't that big of deal for me.

[waveseer]

Well, clarity, your problem is easily enough solved. Find a woman with a big 4 or 5 in front of her age instead, most of us don't want (any more) babies. lol

[doyathink]

Well, clarity, your problem is easily enough solved. Find a woman with a big 4 or 5 in front of her age instead, most of us don't want (any more) babies. lol

 

LOL ya got that right. Mine are raised already. I'm ready for life now.

[lady00]

I don't think dating older women will magically solve the maturity problem. I know many women and men my age who are very mature, well educated, want children in 5 or so years etc and probably fit what you are looking for. I also know some who are older who I am pretty convinced will never be mature or have any of the qualities you mentioned. So, I guess I think that you are lumping a whole age group together and in my experience, it's really more hit or miss than that. Sounds like you've had a lot more misses, but if your main reason is the maturity thing...I wouldn't bank on dating older women fixing that. Plenty of mature women in their twenties. Oh and it's kind of offensive to call women girls. Past the teenage stage, we're women. Just saying.

 

I've dated my fair share of players and jerks my age. I don't think it was an age-related thing though. I think it was an individual personality thing.

[Clarity]

I don't think dating older women will magically solve the maturity problem. I know many women and men my age who are very mature, well educated, want children in 5 or so years etc and probably fit what you are looking for. I also know some who are older who I am pretty convinced will never be mature or have any of the qualities you mentioned. So, I guess I think that you are lumping a whole age group together and in my experience, it's really more hit or miss than that. Sounds like you've had a lot more misses, but if your main reason is the maturity thing...I wouldn't bank on dating older women fixing that. Plenty of mature women in their twenties. Oh and it's kind of offensive to call women girls. Past the teenage stage, we're women. Just saying.

 

I think it was a given that I was generalizing - I used the terms majority and minority with that in mind and qualified things by saying this was my personal experience. I still believe, *in general*, older women are more mature (this is just logical, people mature as they age) and they also have a better idea of what they want.

 

I'm not saying there aren't mature women in their 20s - I've met and dated some, we just didn't completely click for other reasons. However, dating is a numbers game, that's why I'm considering opening up to the possibility of older women, which seems to be knocking at my door.

 

Hey, guys my age get called "boys" all the time - no offense taken

[lady00]

Hey, guys my age get called "boys" all the time

 

Do they really? I've never really heard anyone refer to a guy in his late twenties as a boy (maybe once or twice), except in the word "boyfriend." However, I've heard women of all ages being called "girls." I always found that strange.

[Clarity]

Do they really? I've never actually heard anyone refer to a guy in his late twenties as a boy. However, I've heard women of all ages being called "girls." I always found that strange.

 

Happens to me, but I look young for my age, I suppose. Unless it's in a professional context, I don't mind... at this point in my life, I'd rather have the problem of looking younger than older

 

Either way, there are plenty of females in the 20-25 range that I've met that do not deserve the term woman, in my opinion, and I will call them girls as I see fit. Just as there are males in that range who are not yet "men". Both terms are not earned with age, but with maturity, in my humble opinion.

[lady00]

I think it was a given that I was generalizing - I used the terms majority and minority with that in mind and qualified things by saying this was my personal experience. I still believe, *in general*, older women are more mature (this is just logical, people mature as they age) and they also have a better idea of what they want.

 

I'm not saying there aren't mature women in their 20s - I've met and dated some, we just didn't completely click for other reasons. However, dating is a numbers game, that's why I'm considering opening up to the possibility of older women, which seems to be knocking at my door.

 

Hey, guys my age get called "boys" all the time - no offense taken

 

I'm sorry your experiences have colored your view of women your age. It's really too bad. I think that you may end up missing out on a lot of wonderful women. I think rather than being worried about age, a better approach would be to have in mind a set of dealbreakers and go with that. Don't let bad past experiences get in your way of seeing women as individuals, capable of being great partners or terrible partners. I think you should judge your compatibility with a woman on a totally individual basis. I guess that's my approach to dating. I've kissed a few immature "frogs" my age who were only after one thing (yep they fit the stereotype of guys my age who think with their penises LOL...but I also realized that there are a ton of guys my age who would make great partners and are looking for what I am looking for). For this reason, past experiences have not turned me off dating guys my age. And I have a lot of reasons for wanting to date someone my age, so of course that tips me in that direction too.

[Clarity]

I'm sorry your experiences have colored your view of women your age. It's really too bad. I think that you may end up missing out on a lot of wonderful women. I think rather than being worried about age, a better approach would be to have in mind a set of dealbreakers and go with that. Don't let bad past experiences get in your way of seeing women as individuals, capable of being great partners or terrible partners. I think you should judge your compatibility with a woman on a totally individual basis. I guess that's my approach to dating. I've kissed a few immature frogs, but it hasn't turned me off dating guys my age.

 

I think you've misread my intentions completely. I'm not swearing off younger females, I'm considering *expanding* my dating pool to *include* older women.

 

I have had good and bad experiences with younger females and I will continue to try and find a right match for me, whatever her age is.

[lady00]

I think you've misread my intentions completely. I'm not swearing off younger females, I'm considering *expanding* my dating pool to *include* older women.

 

I have had good and bad experiences with younger females and I will continue to try and find a right match for me, whatever her age is.

 

Good luck with your search. Having more options can't hurt I suppose, as long as you can figure out the stuff that concerns you (kids stuff--you'd have to do that with all the women you date, so this is nothing added with older women) fairly early on so that you do not waste each other's time. So long as you are treating the women as individuals and not going into dating expecting younger women to be a certain way and older women to be a certain way, I can't see the harm. I was replying the way I did because it sounded like you had a skewed perspective on women your age due to some bad past experiences. I was just trying to say that I can relate, had the same thing happen with several guys my age, but I didn't feel the need to expand my dating pool just because of that--not for me. But it may be something great for you, so more power to ya.

[D_Lish]

By the time a woman reaches her thirties, she's likely already had kids and doesn't want anymore....the like of me for instance. Having kids, or more kids aint what we all think about....lol.

[Pegasus]

I know these aren't all rational thoughts, it's just what's going through my head. I'd love to hear from those who have experience with these kind of relationships (guys in 20s, woman in 30s) and how they feel about them.

 

I never dated girls older than me but I have few female friends that are in such relationships (with a younger guy) which makes very interesting to observe ;-).

 

Stay alerted when doing this because in a lot of cases there is a reason why they are single in their 30+ age. Watch out for baggage....

[epsilon2x]

It really depends on the girl. I've found that most girls that don't go out to bars and clubs on a regular basis are a little more relaxed then the girls that go out all the time.

 

The more relaxed ones just don't have as many guys come up to them every week and decide to be a little more down to earth, while the girls who are always getting hit on are in a little world of their own.

 

Either way, they are usually just as mature you just have to feel them out differently depending on what type of girl they are.

[MattW]

Not that it really applies to me too much, anyway, for some reason, I'm weirded out with the idea of dating girls even three or four years older than me. 'Course, I'm only 20, so I dunno, maybe in my mind, I feel too "young" to date older girls, or something. I don't know, I can't explain it. It's weird, because there have been some older women that I've been attracted to, but I just couldn't picture myself seriously dating them. Like, okay, here's an example; there's this really cute girl I work with, and I was surprised to recently find out she's 28. That really weirded me out, plus, on top of that, she has a five or six year old son, and that's just not something I'd want to get involved with, anyway. Of course, it doesn't matter either way, because she's already with some one, but it's just an example of me being "attracted" to an older girl but being weirded out by her age.