Not Going To Be Here Much Longer

[endingitall1]

Im new to this forum and I figured I'd make a last ditch effort to try and get some opinions and input from some people, even though it probably won't do much to change my mind at this point. I'll give you a quick run down on how ive got to this point and the way im feeling.

 

My parents have been divorced ever since I was just a baby, probably around 1 or 2. My mom is a psychopath who blames me for all of her problems and makes me feel like a worthless piece of crap. My dad moved away for his work and is too caught up in his work to give a damn about me. I dont have many friends, only a few of them that are true, but many people know me. Everyone else thinks im a sketchy kid because im quiet and don't say much because of my anxiety and dont really give me the time of day. My social anxiety has caused me to feel inferior to everyone around me in a way. I have such a boring personality and then I see everyone else around me having such a great time cracking jokes and it just sinks me deeper into my depression.

 

I've been on medicine and gone to counseling but none of that seems to work. Im nice to everyone yet they could care less about me. I really just wish something would happen to me, no one would care anyways.It's only a matter of time before I go out one night and drive my car off the road somewhere, making it look like an accident. Tonight I drove around for a good solid hour and was ready to crash my car, but I wasn't ready.

 

I honestly got nothing to live for anymore, im probably going to fail out of college because my depression has spiraled out of control. I don't like myself and who I am, Im just sick of being a failure at life and i see no way that anythings ever going to change. I've been waiting years and everything is still all the same. The saddest thing out of my whole ordeal is that no one who knows me would give a damn if something were to happen to me.

[Notreadyet87]

Well it's a step that you wrote this...

I've always found it interesting that people who state that they will commit suicide, want to write it out and talk to others beforehand--because it means that they aren't going to do it YET.

It also means that you still have hope.

Since you clearely stated that you aren't ready to die, I think it's time to get ready to live...

You say your doing counseling, have you expressed how depressed you've become to your counselor?

My reccomendations:

Continue counseling.

Medication.

Learn how to love yourself and accept your flaws.

Learn to stop caring about how others percieve you.

Learn how to stop allowing people to define your live. Even if they don't give a damn about you, give a damn about yourself. Give yourself the time of day... Make time to do the things you enjoy or things you used to enjoy.

Cut off your mother--she obviously is a negative force in your life.

Take off a semster out of school to reevaluate your life and to get help.

 

Work out.

Eat healthy.

Make yourself get up even when you want to sleep all day.

 

And write down all the reasons that you have to live.

 

 

Good luck and please always remember that you DO matter. If not to others. To yourself.

[endingitall1]

Notreadyet87,you misunderstood me. When I said I wasn't ready to crash my car, I meant that it wasn't the right time for me to do. That by no means means that I'm not ready to die because believe me I am, I'm hanging on by a thread at this point and a couple more things may send me over the edge.

 

I've tried all the recommendations you mentioned above, it never works.. I've been to counseling off and on for years and its done absolutely nothing all it is is a waste of time. Medication is useless as well because doctors have prescribed me multiple meds and everytime I switch to a new one I get the same results.Telling me to love myself and not give a damn about what others think is easier said then done. How can I love myself, when I've been continually picked on and made fun of and treated like dirt my whole life by my peers? I have absolutely no self esteem or self worth because of this. I don't even get joy or pleasure in playing sports anymore, something that defined who I was as a child growing up. I quit the basketball team in high school and find playing baseball more of a hassle then an enjoyment.

 

Honestly at this point I'm a lost cause, simply a waste of space. I just don't know anymore. I have no one in my life I could turn to or rely on and that in itself just goes to show you how much of a pathetic human being I really am. It really is only a matter of time...

[susto_001]

I've been in your situation before endingitall1. Unfortunately, it really sucks!

 

I grew up raising myself, making all my own money, paying for my own stuff, and so much more. I have had some of the worst relationships with some of the worst women, and I was ready to kill myself a couple of times. At that point in time I realized that I had the wrong perspective on things.

 

See, I was looking at what was happening to me in life, all those crappy situations, my emotions, my lack of friends, my uncertainty in life, and all of the other things that went absolutely wrong, and I was letting them dictate my life. The thing is, I realized that I am bigger than those things, and the only thing that truly can let me get in the way of becoming who I wanted to become and doing what I wanted to do was myself. There is no way that I would let those things take over me and consume my life to the point that I would end it for that.

 

You are bigger than all of those things, and you have a lot of worth as a human being. Don't let anybody fool you on that!

 

Live your life - do not let life live you. You are better than that

[endingitall1]

susto_001, I'm sorry to hear that you had a difficult childhood growing up I can certainly relate and I feel for you.

 

Again, what you're telling me is easier said then done. You're telling me to block out all the negative aspects of my life and act as if they're simply not there, but what you don't understand is that everything about my life is negative. It would literally take me days to tell you all the crap I've dealt with in my life.I only gave you a quick rundown, but if I told you EVERYTHING you would understand why i feel the way i do. Nothing is ever good enough and it never will be, I look around at everyone else enjoying life and having friends and then theres me.

 

I feel disconnected from everyone and everything around me. As time passes on the more depressed I get and the more I want to end my life, it's just a viscous cycle. I don't enjoy living and every day I wake up hoping and praying that things turn around and change, but 6 years later it hasn't and I've come to the realization that it never will. I'm actually content with dying now as I've been pondering about it for months now.

 

I often hear people tell me that suicide is the most selfish act a person can commit, I am completely the opposite. Throughout my life, I've put the feelings of others ahead of my own and try to help people the best I can, but there comes a point in time where you get tired of giving and getting nothing in return, well I've reached that point. I find it more selfish for people to expect me to continue living through this misery to save them a few tears, when they didn't even give me the time of day or care one bit about me when I'm alive.

[gypsy_girl]

is there even one thing u can think of that is a positive in ur life? one thing to look forward to?

how old are u?

waiting for something to change is not the solution. U have to make a change.

are u still in touch with ur mum? maybe some distance would do u good.

I've been told that everything can be helped, that no situation is ever hopeless, I think its true. some situations like urs are just a lot harder.

U said u only gave us a quick rundown-if u want to tell someone the whole story feel free to pm me if u think that will help

everyone has SOMETHING to live for, u just have to find what that something is.

[penelope13]

endingitall1 - you said it wasn't the right time for you. so something in your life is strong enough to hold you back. maybe try to figure out what that something is.

 

you also said that there were many things more in your life that you have to struggle with. why don't you try to write it all down here? it might help to see it in black and white before you.

[endingitall1]

I'm 18 and honestly there are no positives in my life right now and the future looks very bleak as well, it's only going to get worse from here on out. Maybe the only thing I got going for me right now is the fact that im in college, but like I said earlier I probably won't be for much longer because of my grades.

 

No one can tell me that I didn't take the initiative to get better. As I mentioned in my previous post that I've been to many counseling sessions and have taken multiple medications to try and help my way of thinking, but of course to no avail. I even went as far as admitting to my depression and I find that that takes a lot of courage and is something a lot of people aren't willing to do.

 

I'm just sick of all the false hope that things will get better, there's only so much you can say to try and help a person like me and I've heard it all at this point.

[Will D Ness]

I'm 18 and honestly there are no positives in my life right now ...

 

there's only so much you can say to try and help a person like me and I've heard it all at this point.

 

I don't believe you. No positives? What about when you said that you've "always try to put other people's feelings before your own." That makes you extremely valuable in today's world. Do you know how rare that is? There are very few husbands, wives, friends, bosses, workers, etc. who have mastered that. That is an awesome trait. It's called "empathy" and it makes the best Doctors, teachers, lawyers, ministers, etc.

 

Also, you've reached out onto this board. I think you've got some bud of hope growing that maybe you haven't heard everything there is to hear. Something had to motivate your fingers to type these things. A complete lack of hope produces no action at all. You, on the other hand, are still 'being nice to people,' 'driving around looking for answers', 'communicating with us here on the board,' etc. These are good things, my friend.

 

The fact is, you're in one of the toughest times you can be in emotionally--the first year of college. You're standing in that doorway between the next 60 years of so of adulthood and the last 18 years of childhood. It's a scary place and every decision you make seems so permanent. But the fact is, they aren't. Your major, your grades, your friends, where you live, what you drive, what you eat all make us who we are but they can all be changed and restructured. That's why the average person will have over seven jobs in his or her lifetime. Change is good.

 

I think there are some incredible people on this board. Some good advice is flowing. Moreover, I think there are some people willing to take your hand and be your friend. I'm one of them.

 

Don't despair. Hang on. Do something completely off the wall like dropping out of college for awhile and backpacking around Europe. College will be there when you get back. And let us know how you're doing.

[Adge]

I dropped out of college. Couldn't concentrate. Hated it. Hated life. Hated me.

 

I now run my own successful business and have 4 cars and a nice big house. Trust me, the one's that sometimes fail in life at the beginning prove everyone wrong. Most of all themselves.

 

Stick with it. Smile. It won't hurt

[Adge]

endingitall1 - check in buddy. How you doing today?

[louilou]

I feel like that too and i appreciate that these people are taking the time to respond but it is pointless in telling us to basically 'look on the bright side of things'. People don't understand depression - there is no bright side and it is how long you can stand living in the pain for.

I nearly died about 1 month ago by overdose but was found and rushed to hospital, had my blood cleaned, it was touch and go for a couple of days but as the doctors said, 'you were lucky'.....how the hell did they work that out????

 

I am not a kid, I am a 26yr old female, I was a professional and after being depressed most my life managed to get things together for a while but was never really 'happy'. Then i started getting down again and fed up with my crappy life so decided to move away from my ghosts to a new town. As they saw you can't run away from your problems. I have become a maniac depressive and no amount of going back to the doctor to up my anti-depressents etc has worked...i lost my job and have been trading online to keep the money coming in but now i have hit rock bottom again...I have nobody, my life is so pointless, nothing ever good happens even when i try to make it better....every effort to try is like a kick in the teeth when it doesn't work....i have had enough, no one would give a crap if i passed away anyway so why should i?

[thunderball]

Wait for me! We'll shout at the devil together...

[dumbblonde88]

I'm 20 and i was where u were but im coming back. What brought me back from the brink? No it definitely wasn't people telling me that I would get better. No it wasn't medication or therapy because that is a load of crap in my opinion. I'm sure it works for some but the meds made me feel worse and my therapist blamed me for the way i felt. Everyone told me to just look on the bright side and all that cheery stuff that I hated. The only thing that made life worth living for me now is by chance i stumbled into a job where I started helping other people. I started working with elderly and disabled people and it made me feel valued. Their lives were in my hands and I was counted on. If i wasn't there they would suffer. The only thing that made me feel important was to truly have someone relying on me with their lives. They can't care for themselves and I was the only one that could. I've stopped burning myself to channel the pain. I've stopped thinking of ways to numb it or take it away. I'm not the happiest person in the world and I'm not completely satisfied with my life but I've started applying myself again in college, I live alone but dont feel alone anymore, and I can look in the mirror and like what I see. Look past yourselves and find someone that needs you. They give you value. They appreciate you and you will start to appreciate yourself. Sure it sounds cheesy but it worked for me. Good Luck!

[stereoeclectic]

don't do it. i was 17 when i went through my bad suicidal phase.

 

a lot of good things have happened since then. and some bad. such is life. * * * * , i'm hurting now. and scared. but i don't regret not killing myself at 17.

 

the most important things that have happened to me happened after the suicide phase.

 

live.

[lovesickkk]

I dropped out of college. Couldn't concentrate. Hated it. Hated life. Hated me.

 

I now run my own successful business and have 4 cars and a nice big house. Trust me, the one's that sometimes fail in life at the beginning prove everyone wrong. Most of all themselves.

 

Stick with it. Smile. It won't hurt

 

adge, can you please give some insight as to how you managed to overcome, and triumph?

[LAEMrough]

Hey i know how this feels. I might be younger, but i did in fact get out of a stage like this. I feel like * * * * . my best friend hated me for no good reasons, all my other friends didn't like me any longer, because i was "too weird" for them. I didn't have a soul in the world, I had no reason to live. but then i realized, if i killed myself, there would in fact be people who would miss me, even if i did not know them. one girl who used to be on my softball team, who i wasn't very close with but i did know, attempted suicide. she is still on life support. i am still crying about it, and the other day i realized how suicide effects everybody, even if you do not realize it yet. and i find great help dealing with my feelings in helping people also. just hang in there and i promise things will work out for you.

[mikeyboy22]

I doubt that you have a boring personality just because you are a quiet guy. So what if people don't think its normal everyone is different in there own way. You are just a unique person and thats a good thing because you are only being yourself. I am just like you I have anxiety I get extremly nervous around people and usually keep to myself. Ive been told by somebody that I am the most boring person they ever met. If something happened to you people would care even if your family acts like they hate you they love you.. all families have problems sometimes me and my family will be screaming at each other even calling names but we would be devasted if anything happened to any of us. For what its worth I would care if you did something to harm yourself I don't even know you and it would still upset me. You are not a failure you are in college right now your doing something good for yourself. I dropped out of highschool me im lucky to get a job paying 10 bucks an hour and thats rock bottom man. I want to go back to school and make something of myself but its hard for me to commit to things I am working on it but I am not very smart or good at anything. Nobody is immune to the trials and tribulations of life all those people you see having such a great time may act that way but they get depressed too everyone does and we all deal with our own problems in a different way. I was suicidal like you for a long time but those thoughts went away. I try to look at pain as a learning experience. Killing yourself will not only hurt the people around you, but it will take away what "could have been". Maybe youl find a woman someday and marry her and have kids. If you killed yourself those kids would never be born your life would have been wasted and for what...? Some lousy people who don't think you can bond with them screw them you are making something of yourself right now don't give up.