Sex w/ the EX . . . w h a t t o d o ?

[Joel Barish]

Should I stop agreeing to see the ex, and risk our friendship?

 

 

We're about 3 months broken up. She has a whole new group of friends she got when she started a new job. They go out a lot, girls and guys, and she posts pictures all over Facebook constantly. I do pretty well ignoring it... I'm not totally alone but my friends are much more chill, and scattered around...so the contrast makes for some lonely feelings.

 

 

 

We talked about once a week for the first couple months. She was often very cold. And it was always ME calling. At one point I got where I was calling every Saturday. Then I didn't call one time. She calls that Tuesday. I generally try not to call, although we both call at different times now. It seems if I go more than 10ish days, she will call. Although lately its even more frequent and she doesn't act cold anymore. There are a few e-mails, and facespace comments mixed in.

 

We do this because we agreed to remain friends. I toy with the idea of NC but I feel like I'm being rude if I don't take or return her calls. She is always willing to take mine.

 

 

 

 

Immediately following the breakup, SHE established even though we were friends there would be no more sex or spending the night with one another.

 

So about 3 weeks ago she calls me up, high, telling me she's been smoking weed all week with her new buddies, acting sort of ridiculous, like she was trying to rub this in my face. But then she got around to asking when I was coming to visit her...(Why? "I miss having sex with you.") I was pretty shocked at the moment. Long story short, I ended up going over to her place and having sex.

 

Now we've done this like once every weekend since, last night being the most recent. Whenever we're just sitting around she acts normal, but she's always messing with Facebook on her laptop...this girl is 26. In this same period she has called me a couple times to cry about personal stuff she has going on. But she generally acts normal.

 

 

 

 

Is she just keeping me close enough, you know, just in case? Is she reveling in the fact that she can do whatever she wants and still have me too? No one can know everything going on in her head, but have you seen this situation before? Any opinions?

 

At first, I took some satisfaction thinking, well, at least she's not serious enough with anyone to be faithful to them...and my ego was just enjoying the fact that she still wanted to have sex with me. But it seems the more I go over there the more I realize this wasn't going to work anyway. I still can't help miss her, and even a broken relationship with her seems much better than this lonely singledom... if I'm not doing anything when she calls its very difficult to turn down some ex-sex.

 

So I think I know what I need to do, but if you want to opine feel free. I'm just afraid if I stop contacting her, or stop seeing her, our friendship will wane. I know I shouldn't want to be friends with my ex, but that's just the way I am.

[lana111]

do you really want to be friends with her or do you just want to be friends bc you think you should?

 

 

i think you know what you need to do... stop calling her and dont answer her calls.

[luvs2kayak]

While you're still messing around with her, you are not moving forward. You are closing yourself off from other possibilities that could make you truly happy. You have realized that she is not the one for you, so why continue the charade? Think better of yourself and what you deserve.

 

Best to you.

[HeartGoesOn]

This is just my opinion, but I could never understand why people break up, but continue to be intimate with each other.

 

What is the point, and how do you move forward?

[julioiglesia]

Do what you pleaes that will benefit you in the end. You should use her.

have sex with her if that is what you want. but getting back with her that is another issue. most likely you'll be attached to her.

 

There is no such drug in the world that gets you high and doesn't give you addiction. but what you want is find that drug that gets you high and give you no garbage.

[Joel Barish]

do you really want to be friends with her or do you just want to be friends bc you think you should?

 

 

i think you know what you need to do... stop calling her and dont answer her calls.

 

I guess some of both, but I DO want to be friends with her. She was my best friend for 4+ years. I guess I will have to talk it over with her before I can just start ignoring her, if I can even manage to do that...will power wise. Just not hanging out would be a big step...I really don't know if I can ignore her calls. It just seems rude, although maybe its a necessary step. But I would have to explain that to her, and I don't want her to know I'm that bad...

 

I just have a great fear of my exes resenting me, especially if I told her now I don't want her to be my friend--she's got a vindictive side. And I am still very good friends with my only other significant other. I guess b/c I made it work the first time I want to do it again now. Its so weird how I see all the same patterns emerging after you look back.

[calidreamin0]

hm, I think you guys are pulling at eachother's emotions. your not really breaking 'up'... your kinda in limbo. You guys having sex is not helping especially since you only broke up four months ago?! Thats way too soon.

 

I DID have a sexual encounter with an ex. I've heard some things about doing that is psychologically damaging to yourself. But, in my instance... it was fine. It was actually YEARS after we had broken up. We kinda were 'helping' eachother out in that area. And we are pretty good friends to this day.

[Joel Barish]

While you're still messing around with her, you are not moving forward. You are closing yourself off from other possibilities that could make you truly happy. You have realized that she is not the one for you, so why continue the charade? Think better of yourself and what you deserve.

 

Best to you.

 

Thank you. This is sound advice.

 

But I feel like I've made progress since the beginning. Part of me believes I can still move on, even without NC. It just might make the process slower, or more painful when I find out she's engaged or something....IDK. The same part tries to tell this actually eases the pain to some degree... I mean having her stop calling me, when she used to call me everyday was so painful. Just having her doing that again seems to make the days a little easier...I definitely think NC works best. But sometimes, I just have to do what works for me in the present...

 

Thanks again, I will try to be strong next time she calls.

[Joel Barish]

This is just my opinion, but I could never understand why people break up, but continue to be intimate with each other.

 

What is the point, and how do you move forward?

 

The point is the sex is good. And I likes havin' sex.

 

No, seriously, when she first contacted me, I felt there was no way I could turn this down...there was just no way. I didn't second-guess it for one moment. But each time now, I get a little more introspective. Last night was the only time I even second-guessed it, but I still gave in...

 

Hopefully I'll learn to be ready.

[Joel Barish]

hm, I think you guys are pulling at eachother's emotions. your not really breaking 'up'... your kinda in limbo. You guys having sex is not helping especially since you only broke up four months ago?! Thats way too soon.

 

I DID have a sexual encounter with an ex. I've heard some things about doing that is psychologically damaging to yourself. But, in my instance... it was fine. It was actually YEARS after we had broken up. We kinda were 'helping' eachother out in that area. And we are pretty good friends to this day.

 

Definitely feels limboish...but she says she's totally committed to the breakup. "Nothing's changed." To us, its really just us "being friends" even if we're in denial about our real intentions/emotions...

 

I know for me, despite my logic, is this innate need to feel like there's one more go at it, before she moves on to her marriage-person...she already wanted to be married and will definitely be there in the next few years if not sooner.

 

I don't mean to be so contrary to everyone, just venting, playing devil's advocate, and trying to get my feelings out there, so I can understand myself better and make better decisions.

[Joel Barish]

Do what you pleaes that will benefit you in the end. You should use her.

have sex with her if that is what you want. but getting back with her that is another issue. most likely you'll be attached to her.

 

There is no such drug in the world that gets you high and doesn't give you addiction. but what you want is find that drug that gets you high and give you no garbage.

 

 

I guess we're using each other. But yeah...thats the way I think about it. Sex and getting back together are different things.

 

And yes, I am VERY attached. ](*,)