lana111 Posted December 29, 2008 Share Posted December 29, 2008 Soooo... I dont know what I want. Maybe you guys can offer a new perspective. I have a great bf. Been dating for a year and a few months. Im in my late 20's, he's in his early 30's. He is not very expressive through words. He def shows me how he feels through affection and just devoting himself to me. We never have any serious talks either. I mean, there is no reason for us to have a serious talk. Everything is pretty darn perfect. But we never talk about "our" future. There is def this feeling of unspoken knowledge that we plan to be together for the long haul, but no verbal confirmation of this. I started a thread about this a while ago, that I wanted to tell him that I felt like I'd like to marry him someday. That was over 6 months ago. I still havent said anything, neither has he. So now Im starting to think, maybe I dont want that (marriage). I dont know if thats bc I A) really dont want to/am scared to get married (in general). B) that I dont want to get married to him. C) that im using a sour grapes rationalization technique (that i convince myself that i dont want something that i may not get as to not disappoint myself). I honestly dont know which i s the truth and I'd love for you guys to ask me questions or offer your opinions so I can come to a conclusion! Link to comment
NewPhillyGuy Posted December 29, 2008 Share Posted December 29, 2008 I wonder if you are afraid that he doesn't feel the same way. We cannot tell you what you want. Only you know that. Link to comment
lana111 Posted December 29, 2008 Author Share Posted December 29, 2008 well thats my option c... but im not sure if thats the real reason. maybe none of my options are the truth, thats why i need you guys to help me get to the bottom of this Link to comment
NewPhillyGuy Posted December 29, 2008 Share Posted December 29, 2008 well thats my option c... but im not sure if thats the real reason. maybe none of my options are the truth, thats why i need you guys to help me get to the bottom of this Again, I don't think anyone here can tell you the answer to this one. What I would suggest is having an in person conversation with your boyfriend about these feelings. Link to comment
Shiva 2007 Posted December 29, 2008 Share Posted December 29, 2008 I think if you are posing the questions here it's worth asking the same questions to your b/f. If you are really thinking about marriage you should really feel like you can trust him with any of your thoughts or confusions. That's #1 rule of success in a relationship. Good luck Link to comment
lana111 Posted December 29, 2008 Author Share Posted December 29, 2008 i guess i should, but id hate to bring this up to him only to find out (after some though and introspection) that i dont want to get married and break his heart bc im 99% positive he wants us to be married someday. Link to comment
Casey13 Posted December 29, 2008 Share Posted December 29, 2008 Marriage and potential for it is usually largely initiated by the enthusiasm both partners share towards it. In your particular case there is no enthusiasm or even discussion about it. If you talk to him about getting married and planning a future together he may very well come out very enthusiastic about it, pour his heart out to you, and it may light a spark in you followed by a feeling: "this man is the man I want to share life with." If on the other hand, after you talk to him about it he becomes more distant then you know that long term potential may not be there and you have to find out if it's worth staying in the relationship. I'd talk to him if I were you about it and if you guys both feel it then it may make the "marriage thought" more positive for you but you won't know by staying silent. Link to comment
Shiva 2007 Posted December 29, 2008 Share Posted December 29, 2008 I hear your dilemma, however you can start by saying that you would really like to discuss and explore his thoughts about his commitment to you. Even if you are not yet sure of how you feel about it yourself or know where you are going with it yet, you are still giving yourself some room for thoughts..... that way even if he says he wants to marry you and you realize as he is saying it that you don't you can still say that you are surprised he feels the way he does and that you will need some time to absorb it all. Link to comment
JeckyllNHyde Posted December 29, 2008 Share Posted December 29, 2008 i think that the answer may be simple. i know that i myself never would easily say "i want to marry him", even though i was thinking it. i'd still be a bit afraid to visualize it truly happening, if the guy i wanted to marry never said it or showed ENTHOUSIASM towards the idea about an "us" in the future. there's nothing better then having the guy bring it up first and be all enthousiastic about how great the future will be for you both. so maybe you need to know what he feels/thinks before you can continue with thoughts of "i want to marry him someday"... so you can both SHARE these feelings, instead of you only thinking it to yourself. Link to comment
lana111 Posted December 29, 2008 Author Share Posted December 29, 2008 i think that the answer may be simple. i know that i myself never would easily say "i want to marry him", even though i was thinking it. i'd still be a bit afraid to visualize it truly happening, if the guy i wanted to marry never said it or showed ENTHOUSIASM towards the idea about an "us" in the future. there's nothing better then having the guy bring it up first and be all enthousiastic about how great the future will be for you both. so maybe you need to know what he feels/thinks before you can continue with thoughts of "i want to marry him someday"... so you can both SHARE these feelings, instead of you only thinking it to yourself. i think youre right. i think i want to hear it clearly. i think he expects me just to know it... through his actions and little hints. Link to comment
lana111 Posted December 29, 2008 Author Share Posted December 29, 2008 i know, i have to grow a pair Link to comment
Shiva 2007 Posted December 29, 2008 Share Posted December 29, 2008 what I really question is what do you really want? is being with your b/f making you really happy? are you feeling fulfilled? marriage is only a contract. How do you feel when you are with him? and how do you feel when you are away from him? these are some of the questions that might be worth asking first. Link to comment
lana111 Posted December 29, 2008 Author Share Posted December 29, 2008 what I really question is what do you really want? is being with your b/f making you really happy? are you feeling fulfilled? marriage is only a contract. How do you feel when you are with him? and how do you feel when you are away from him? these are some of the questions that might be worth asking first. i dont know what i want, really. im think i want to get married but the thought of giving my heart like that to someone freaks me out too. im also not a one true love kind of girl... i feel like there are 1,000 perfect matches in my state alone probably. my bf def makes me happy, but im a happy person by nature. id say i am feeling 90% fulfilled in our relationship. when im with him i feel FABULOUS. when im away i wish he was near, unless im occupied of course. Link to comment
Shiva 2007 Posted December 30, 2008 Share Posted December 30, 2008 lana111 I don't know how old you are but no one is forcing you to make any decisions right? so why force it? perhaps when you fell right about it you won't have as many doubts or questions..... in the meantime just enjoy the time you have together and always be yourself. Not everyone chooses to get married in life and have a healthy and wonderful relationship.... so who knows perhaps that can be you. Lots of luck Link to comment
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