When they find someone else....

[hereagain]

I just wondered what people's thoughts were on why it hurts so darn much when your ex finds someone else. They are no longer in your life, you have accepted that, but when you find out that they are seeing someone else, why does it feel like you are breaking up all over again and having your heart ripped out.

 

I guess it's partly the loss of hope... but does anyone have any other theories or thoughts on this?

[Band_Nerd]

Well, for me, it made me upset because I felt like someone else replaced me. I felt like maybe I wasn't good enough. I remember it killed me when my ex moved on 2 weeks after we had broken up.

 

The person you were with, was in a way 'yours.' And then someone else comes along and they become part of your ex's life, and you feel sort of posesive. At least, that's how it was for me.

[greywolf]

I think a lot of it has to do with pride. I think there's a part of us that wants to feel like we could never be replaced. And when they find someone else, it can be a real blow to the ego.

[lana111]

i have always been the dumper, but its always odd to see them dating someone else bc of what nerd said... they were "yours" and even if you dont want them, you selfishly always want them to want you...

[gwakie]

I just wondered what people's thoughts were on why it hurts so darn much when your ex finds someone else. They are no longer in your life, you have accepted that, but when you find out that they are seeing someone else, why does it feel like you are breaking up all over again and having your heart ripped out.

 

I guess it's partly the loss of hope... but does anyone have any other theories or thoughts on this?

 

You pretty much hit it on the head. It's the loss of hope that'll you'll get back together added with the fact that they did move on.

 

I went through a second heartbreak when i found out that she started a relationship with someone else, but it also cut those last lingering emotional strings of attachment where my heart just gave up and there is nothing to do but move on.

 

You gotta move on, be strong. Live YOUR life.

[Clarity]

I actually didn't mind it at all. She only found someone else after I wouldn't take her back, so I had my chance and I'm fine with that. I want her to be happy and hope that her BF treats her the way she deserves. Now if only *I* could find someone, haha.

[hereagain]

Soon acceptance will come.

 

Gosh I hope so. I work with my ex, his office is only about 6 feet from where I sit and I have to listen to him on the phone. I feel like it is completely insensitive on his part to rub it in my face knowing full well how much he hurt me.

[John Bendix]

I went to the wake of my aunt that my X was friendly with. She took a date that did not even know my aunt. It really had no affect on me but I really do not get jealousy anyway. It made me kind of laugh at the absurdity of it.

[Casey13]

Often it hurts when an ex meets someone else because of the fact that you're still single. If you were the first to find another partner which you are happy with and you later found out your ex did the same it would feel completely different. Part of the reason for this is envy that she's a step ahead of you and moving on happy while you're not. Also, when two people break up it is assumed that both partners are mourning the loss of the relationship so as soon as an ex finds another partner you are convinced that the mourning over your relationship has stopped and is something of the forgotten past. Hope plays a large role in this too. There is always that chance that two people post break up end up getting back together after getting that space but if you see your partner found a better replacement for you shatters that hope and forces you to close that book for good.

[jenna981]

It's just another stage you go through. The reason it feels like you're breaking up all over again is because you're holding on to her/him and you're in the state where you believe they hurt as much as you do. You keep thinking they're not over you and once you do find out they're with someone else, it breaks it all. It's the final stage of getting over from my personal experience. Soon acceptance will come.

 

Maybe they do hurt as much as we do but just go for the rebound to make it go quicker.

 

 

Guess it's like everyone else said, it's the idea of being replaced and blow to the ego. For me, my ex and I were talking about getting married not too long before breaking up and we moved in together (picked out the apartment together, decorated and bought furniture together), so knowing I could be replaced so soon hurt. As someone said here, it feel like the new person is walking right in my shadow... knowing someone is basically in the home him and me made together without him thinking twice or missing me at all, yet here I am still thinking about it and missing him.

[ryan2000]

All i know is.................... It is gonna rip my heart out.

 

It's gonna hurt too. And i'm not looking forward to it at all.

[Dosed]

When I found out it helped me with my own healing/progress - I knew she had gone a long time prior to the break up (we were LDR for the last 4 months) so it only validated my own need to get myself back in check & move forward with my own goals.

 

The tough part now is the contact she has made a couple of times during NC. I'm not quite in that place where I can openly talk to her due to the fact that she doesn't know that I know the main source of her decision to split up. Only once it's out in the open will I feel like I can talk to her without any animosity. Fun and games....

 

I'm happy that she has someone to ease her through this period in her life because god knows, I wouldn't want her to feel the dark depths that I have recently been exposed too - she's too amazing to have to feel that kind of pain right now & I hope she never does.

 

I suppose it's all about letting them go and just accepting what is, losing all control before you can regain control in your own life.

[dreamwarrior]

If I was worried about my ex with someone else I wouldn't have broken up with him in the first place....I feel so very sorry for the next girl...I really do...she has no idea what she is in store for...peace be with her...if she wants to be a rebound or or get the gifts he gave me initially for our anniversary then so be it....she is welcome to them.

 

Since I am on strict NC I have no idea if he even found someone yet or not...I never ask my roommate about him...only thing I know is the thought of him coming around here until I move away makes me have heart palpitations (not good ones) and sick to my stomach like I want to throw up and the angry feelings start coming up...and my thoughts are what else does he have in mind to try and destroy me hasn't he already caused me enough misery?? I feel calm, happy, and sleep/eat very well since he has been gone...and frankly I like it that way!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I went to the wake of my aunt that my X was friendly with. She took a date that did not even know my aunt. It really had no affect on me but I really do not get jealousy anyway. It made me kind of laugh at the absurdity of it.

 

Yeah...what a fun date going to a wake! I think your X was simply trying to prove something to you...that's pretty sad.

[JadedStar]

I just wondered what people's thoughts were on why it hurts so darn much when your ex finds someone else. They are no longer in your life, you have accepted that, but when you find out that they are seeing someone else, why does it feel like you are breaking up all over again and having your heart ripped out.

 

I guess it's partly the loss of hope... but does anyone have any other theories or thoughts on this?

 

I think for likely about 99% of the population even when they are finally over an ex it is still another blow when they find out that ex is seeing someone else (providing there was no one else in the picture during the breakup). It is just bound to cause a whole new can of worms to pop open. And yes, it can make you feel like you are breaking up all over again. very normal. You basically have to go thru the grieving process all over again, just hopefully it is shorter in duration since you have already done it once.

[julioiglesia]

What i Did differently from you guys is that

I expected my ex to find someone better right off the bat and

that this person is the one for her and happily ever after.

 

Then even if i find out it wouldn't be a blow. I mean if she was that hot and smart and ever time we would hang out in the public every guy's head would literally zoom into her. So I would not expect anything less. Unless she became a nun, I would expect her to continue the cycle of life.

 

and go what eve and go NC

[John Bendix]

Yeah...what a fun date going to a wake! I think your X was simply trying to prove something to you...that's pretty sad.

 

To be honest, I think she did not want to go there alone. She knew thar she had to see all of my relatives (good people) and she had not seen them since she left. She was afraid of their reaction to her, for everyone HAS to like her.

And she knows that they know she has some problems.

 

She has a very hard time with death. When her father died, her sister and her (both late 30's at the time) had a drag out, knock down, hair pulling fight to the floor. Screaming at each other that they loved him more than the other. My ex-brother-in-law had to pull them apart. But in the next hour, they were still best friends w/o ever talking about the fight. To them, it never really happened.

 

After I spoke to my uncle (my mother's brother), I came out of the viewing room and she had her back to me. I walked up and told her that she could go in now. She turned and I did not recognize her. She looked terrible. Looked like she aged about ten years in the last couple of months. She could not say anything probably bc she knew she looked so bad. I just walked away. My relatives told me that she would not come back into the sitting room while I was there talking to my cousins.

[SighSob]

It hurts cause you think that the new someone is going to be a better partner than you and that you will always be remembered as a mistake. It also kills almost every hope of getting back together, and reminds you once again that your ex at the moment is totally over you while you are still struggling to get back with her. That's why I don't want to find out what she's doing. The less I know, the better I think, as someone said on these boards...

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Wow. It sounds like she had (or maybe still has) a lot of issues that she needs to sort out.

[Robert013]

I am glad that my ex jumped right into a rebound because Now I don't have to deal with it later down the road. It hurt like nothing else but it has made moving on easier for me. Now I don't have to deal with that pain later because It is already being dealt with. But she will, when I find another person.

[Phoenix_girl]

I never had a problem with my ex's moving on and dating someone else. Maybe because I never really had feelings for them, at least not in the way i should have.

My (ex) best friend recently told me that he had a gf - he knows Im in love with him. I was crushed. I want him to be happy so on that level I am ok, but since he has disappeared from my life, I do feel like ive been replaced. Its devastating and I don't know how I'm going to cope with it. I havent talked to him in 2 months, but that hasnt lessened the pain, esp since he ignored my birthday.

Everyone reacts differently to an ex or former love moving on. and everyone has different ways of dealing with it. I think the majority consesus is that it sucks, it hurts and its not fun, but it does eventually fade (I hope).

[deff808]

My ex is being sneaky, her roommate told me she is seeing someone, very secretive! 2 weeks later, of our break up....

 

And she told me, she is not seeing no one! Haha.... What a lair! She can live with that guilt trip, if i see them in person, i'll smile and laugh!

[SighSob]

Ex's are liars. I smell my ex seeing another guy too, even though she will NEVER admit it. I just hope she finds out I am the right one before I have moved on...yeah LOL

[hereagain]

I think for likely about 99% of the population even when they are finally over an ex it is still another blow when they find out that ex is seeing someone else (providing there was no one else in the picture during the breakup). It is just bound to cause a whole new can of worms to pop open. And yes, it can make you feel like you are breaking up all over again. very normal. You basically have to go thru the grieving process all over again, just hopefully it is shorter in duration since you have already done it once.

 

I agree, and at least there isn't that constant gnawing in the back of your mind are they or aren't they. At least you can deal with it, much like the break up. You experience an intense pain followed by peace, where as sometimes, if your are desperately hanging on it causes ongoing pain. I think I'd prefer excruciating pain briefly to gain peace, than a thousand knives stabbing me every single day.

 

It hurts cause you think that the new someone is going to be a better partner than you and that you will always be remembered as a mistake. It also kills almost every hope of getting back together, and reminds you once again that your ex at the moment is totally over you while you are still struggling to get back with her. That's why I don't want to find out what she's doing. The less I know, the better I think, as someone said on these boards...

 

Some really interesting thoughts, I'm loving everyone's different thoughts. I don't know that I think the next person will be better. I'm quite comfortable with myself and know that I'm a pretty great person, so if he found some one better than me... that's impressive. But I can certainly see how that could play on one's mind.

 

I am glad that my ex jumped right into a rebound because Now I don't have to deal with it later down the road. It hurt like nothing else but it has made moving on easier for me. Now I don't have to deal with that pain later because It is already being dealt with. But she will, when I find another person.

 

As I said above, you deal with it - move on. You don't have that 'what's he/she doing?' hanging over your head. However; playing devils advocate, I think not knowing can sometimes help with NC. I know myself, that with exes in the past, I've not contacted them through sheer terror that they would tell me they were seeing someone else.

[franfran]

I think my ex is on the prowl for someone else, but hasn't officially nailed anyone for a relationship yet, including the hockey beast he is * * * * ing. All I have to say is I am sorry for him, that he lost me. Because I am an amazing person, perhaps the most amazing person he had in his life, and he threw away any sort of relationship we've ever had, friendship or romance. I'm sorry he doesn't have me in his life anymore, it's a shame.