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I think it's over....


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OK it's really been over for like a year now, that's when he moved out anyway. But I think I am finally out of denial about it. This whole time I've been trying to work it out, trying to make it work.


But what I realized last night is... that I am the one screwing it all up. Everytime anything happens that brings us closer, like I keep telling myself I so desperatly want, I screw it up.

So I think I want to be miserable or I need to spend some time and think about whether I want to be with this guy.


A few weeks ago we had sex again, then I started pushing hard to make him talk about his feelings, then he did and I fought with him about them then told him I didn't want to be his friend.


Then he decided we would just be friends, I did the same thing.


THen the other night, he said he liked when we got along. I spent the whole next day being mad at him I'm even mad at him now, even though I really don't have a good reason to be.


I'm sabotaging myself. Everytime he does anything to become closer I push him away.


I've really thought this whole time that if he came back with flowers and apologized and changed his behavior than we could get back together.

He's kinda doing that in some aspects and it's getting no good response from me. And I really thought about it and if he showed up telling me he's so sorry and did all those things, I would send him away.


It's so weird, I've been like desperate over this guy for so long, I don't understand why I'm doing this at all. Maybe I'm not in love with him anymore. Maybe there is nothing he can do. Maybe I've been so worried about trying to get him back, I never actually thought about if I wanted him back or not.

What's going on here????

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I don't think that there is anything i can do to make it better. He dumped me. But the thing I can't get over is that he keeps leaving me.


His philosophy is that if something isn't working get rid of it. His whole life works like that. I've never seen him stick anything through.


And it works that way in our relationship too, everytime things start getting hard or going wrong, he bails out. We've had some big major things happen and he has consistantly left me there to deal with it alone.


How am I ever going to know that he is going to stick it out??? I don't know of anyway he can ever get that back. He tries, but it seems so forced and fake.

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