Advice Please ?

[Lauren.xo]

If any of you have read my thread on *rollarcoaster*. It truly is how my relationship is with my guy for the past month.

 

Prior to this rollarcoaster month, we fought abit (because of miscommunication due to LD) but overall were very much in love. I have never worn my heart on my sleeve more so then I have this month to him. I have told him numerous times how much I care, and he is well aware.

 

Anyways, tonight I told him I want to have a serious talk... I don't know if im truly strong enough to let him go because I do believe he is the *one*... But at the same time it hurts me everyday I try to talk to him and he laughs with me and tells me to "stop questioning me everyday".. I can't relax knowing that were not "boyfriend" and "girlfriend". I don't know how i'll ask or what i'll say... but all I want is to have our relationship back, and love him the best I can. Im just afraid he will shut me out tonight, as he does every other time I have tried.. But the thing is I can't keep waking up with the hurt I feel.. So I feel I need to say something to him tonight and if he rejects me I need to go solid NC, and heal or hope he will realize what we were.

 

My emotions are all over the place, so it is horrible to talk right now... But I feel I need too.. I need to be clear on where we stand.. How do I ask.. What do I say.. How do I not freak if rejection comes (it more then likely will).. How do I then proceed to say my goodbye?

 

Any advice would be appreciated.

 

THANKS,

 

L

[waveseer]

If you're pretty sure you'll be rejected, why not skip the convo and go nc now?

[Lauren.xo]

because I know I make him laugh, I know I make him feel good when we talk.. I think there is more of an issue that is bothering him... His parents are huge in his life, and I don't think they like me very much because they feel we have fought to much in the past. He has said "if I didn't love you or didn't care would I reply to you?" .. but it isn't enough for me.. Talking to him without knowing he is mine will never be enough.. Should I say that?

[waveseer]

In my experience pushing people into relationship statuses never works.

[HeartGoesOn]

Don't push it, he knows how you feel. Also, don't give him the benefits of a relationship, without him wanting to be in one.

 

I would take a step back, and see if he comes to you on his own, without you taking the lead.

[Pandaman211]

Don't push it, he knows how you feel. Also, don't give him the benefits of a relationship, without him wanting to be in one.

 

I would take a step back, and see if he comes to you on his own, without you taking the lead.

 

I agree with this. Don't put too much pressure on yourself. Try and not to react too emotionally to any decision he may come to, hes a guy, he very well may not want to think about it into too much detail right now, and might get annoyed and just say something that he knows will make you stop asking him. I think your talk already happened last night, how'd it go?

[Lauren.xo]

Thanks for the advice.. So as you know last night I had prepared myself for the worst.. And I wait for him to msg me.. And he did.. Guess what he says to me? I say to him "so are we really broken up?".. And he goes "huh?".. And I ask again.. And he replies "I thought that we were together"... He is so hot and cold... Today earlier he even told me he loved me... But the minute he gets annoyed with talking to me he starts going cold... We are in a LDR.. But even today I said something about us dating and he goes "I'm dating?"... And when I react or get upset.. He goes don't take it all personally I'm just kidding around if you don't like it that's your problem... I'm just getting so tired of how he treats me.. I used to be so confident and he treated me so well, now its just little jokes that get to me and almost 0 affection on his part.. How do I read this friggin guy???

[Pandaman211]

Whats this dudes problem? "if you don't like it, its your problem?" are you serious? You can't put up with that. This guy seems like he doesn't treat you the right away, and wants to be a dictator and powerful. He better realize what he has before he loses it. He wouldn't make that statement about it being your problem if he didn't think he had control over you and knew you'd be there. If this continues, you need to give him a reality check and let him know that you're not going to stand for this (and if you do this, be ready that it may not turn out well). See how things go for the next week or two and keep us updated.

[Lauren.xo]

Well, it is all so VERY weird. Like yesterday.. We started texting in the morning (we usually talk throughout the day) and he was laughing with me.. And he even said I love you without me saying anything or expecting it (it usually is me who says I love you now and he never usually says it back anymore). Then he started getting annoyed with me and saying the things I said in my previous post ("I do what I want, if you don't like it, its your problem). BUT then we started talking again in the night... and he got all warm again..

 

The thing is, I *know* he loves me... I know I am the only girl in his life and I know that I make him feel special. If I were to leave.. It probably would hit him in a few days the loss of how I have been there for him. The problem is... I was the bad one at first.. I fought with him over everything (to get attention).. I just wanted alot of affection from him (being in a LDR IS HARD!)... and we broke up way to much (over every fight almost).

 

Well the last "breakup" (he dumped me), really hit home to me.. It made me realize what I was doing to our relationship, how unhealthy it was for us.. and what kind of relationship I want to be in with him. I just want to be a loving,caring girlfriend who is there for him and supports him! The problem is, I feel like he thinks he has "Control" over me. Like he can say whatever he wants to me and im going to be there. Its not the case, its just I never want to fight with him anymore. I fought to get back together with him for a month, and he feels its more of a "you want what you cant have- if i show you love you will just go back to before".. but it honestly is not the case.

 

How do I show him (we are in a LDR) that I just want to have a solid healthy relationship with him. I dont expect much, but a little effort and affection on his part would be nice. I'm thinking on asking him to go on IM and telling him how I feel and what I want. Im just sick of being where I am and treated the way I am.. I don't want to let him go, because I have hurt him in the past and YES maybe he is scared to show me all his love again.. But it shouldn't be about who has control. Things are really different for me now, why can't it just be simple like that?

 

L

[Pandaman211]

Hows it been the last couple days? I think we should be able to gauge what to do based on how your guys conversations have gone. Also, if you've hurt him in the past, he probably feels warranted to say w/e he wants since you hurt him, you'll be there, and he's one up on you. When I was in my relationship months ago and back in April, she somewhat hurt me too, and was so sorry and cried, etc. I forgave her after a couple days, but for a month or so I was (wrongly) embracing a more "you screwed me over, so you are in debt to me" attitude, and since she never brought it up or failed to be more hands on about that issue, I continued doing it until I realized bc she was hurt and felt that I was talking to her in a condescending tone, which I never MEANT to, b/c I loved her dearly and treated her great, but I would have my moments where I would disregard something she said.

 

This could be very well what hes doing right now, saying "well I didn't mean it like that, so thats your problem". I recall saying that exact sentence a couple times during that stretch, knowing she felt really bad, and that she loved me more than anything, so I could get away with saying it and she would never even think of leaving me. If this continues, you need to confront him about it, tell him you're sorry for hurting him, but that for you guys to take a step forward he cannot hold things against you, and you feel like you're not being seen as his equal. No matter how reluctant or cautious you may be because of the possibility that he may break it off, realize that if this situation or mindset on his part continues, it was never going to work out to begin with. No matter how hard you try, if the two in the relationship don't view each other as equals, it won't ever work out, and the slim possibility that the one being mistreated or looked down upon did stay with that person, they would never be truly happy. True happiness and love does not reside in arrogance.