maynards_razorblade69 Posted December 28, 2008 Share Posted December 28, 2008 Hi all, I've decided to break up with my boyfriend - he's really lovely, very nice and sweet, but I just don't feel a spark between us. We've been seeing each other for 5 months, and he's heavily committed to us, but I feel differently. Questions I have are: Do I break up over the phone or do I owe it to him to tell him in person (which I have done with all previous boyfriends), and do I do it tonight, now that I've decided I'm definitely going to do it, or tomorrow? It's a shame, and he's going to be really upset, but I've had a few weeks apart from him spending time with family and just realised that I don't feel for him what I thought I did. It's not fair to keep stringing him along when I feel like this. Any help appreciated!! Merry Crimbo Link to comment
orangetemple Posted December 28, 2008 Share Posted December 28, 2008 i think you are taking this very lightly. there are so many threads on here by people who have sounded exactly like you, and then 2 weeks later are begging or them back but they have hurt the person so much its too late. i think you need to think a bit harder about this. Link to comment
LBP Posted December 28, 2008 Share Posted December 28, 2008 Tough situation. He deserves the most time possible in order to recover and find someone who will appreciate him, but breaking up over the phone is pretty callous and in my opinion a major faux pas. When do you see him next? Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted December 28, 2008 Share Posted December 28, 2008 I would wait until you see him next. Phone break ups are pretty callous. Or could you hold on until the holiday season is over? For some reason (even though there's always another one around the corner) breaking up near a holiday always seems harsher to me. i think you are taking this very lightly. there are so many threads on here by people who have sounded exactly like you, and then 2 weeks later are begging or them back but they have hurt the person so much its too late. i think you need to think a bit harder about this. Hey OT, the OP knows what she has to do, she just wants to discuss the way she does it. Different people need different things. Her post doesn't sound conflicted because she's not. Link to comment
orangetemple Posted December 28, 2008 Share Posted December 28, 2008 I agree. 5 months deserves a face to face Link to comment
maynards_razorblade69 Posted December 28, 2008 Author Share Posted December 28, 2008 Alright..!! I asked for an answer, not a judgement! Thank you to all who replied - I thought about doing it over the phone for his own sake, as when I've broken up with people in the past they've been very upset and cried and felt humiliated...I wanted to let him make up his mind whether he wanted to talk to me over the phone or see me face to face. Five months does not seem a very long time to me, any longer and yes, I would agree that face-to-face is better. I can see him tomorrow... I know he's not right for me, I've done a lot of thinking and I may sound as if I'm taking it lightly but the facts are that he's not right for me, I've made a decision and don't really want to go into the reasons why. Sorry, this all sounds as if I'm angry at you all, but I'm not, I'm just explaining things... thanks Link to comment
JadedStar Posted December 28, 2008 Share Posted December 28, 2008 A face to face is appropriate IMO. I do agree with those who said be careful - you might get what you wish for. If you break up and realize its a mistake once he moves on it would be VERY unfair to him to burden him with any calls begging to get back. if you do it, think long and hard if you really want it. So many people with a great g/f or b/f like this who break up due to no spark end up with someone who they DO have a spark wtih but the person treats them like crap and they long to be with the "nice" person again. I think nice people like this fail to always give off that spark because they are safe, and it isn't really a spark the other person is looking for, its more the unknown factor. They just begin to feel safe and take that person for granted. Once they break up they often realize OH NO WHAT DID I DO!? Link to comment
maynards_razorblade69 Posted December 28, 2008 Author Share Posted December 28, 2008 I have thought long and hard. I need some kind of physical attraction and a spark in order to want to be with someone. At first I was infatuated and that just died down to nothing really. I wish it was different, but I can't stay with someone who isn't right for me, no matter how nice he is Link to comment
SighSob Posted December 28, 2008 Share Posted December 28, 2008 Well if there's not even attraction anymore, then a breakup is unavoidable. Just don't do it by phone, really. No one deserves it. Link to comment
LBP Posted December 28, 2008 Share Posted December 28, 2008 Of course, physical attraction is a requirement, but that never lasts forever. You'll both be unattractive one day. In the end, all relationships hit a lull in some department or another. This is something you know already, I'm sure. No need to apologize. If you're not going to do the guy justice, this is the best thing for him. Hopefully, he'll take it to heart and realize the things necessary in himself to achieve a successful relationship. That said, as you paint yourself as the serial 'break upper' I would suggest you give yourself a long, hard look as a result of this whole thing. I dated a girl who plowed her way through thirty or forty relationships by the time she was 23, somehow always managed to be the dumper and somehow managed to never be at fault, ever. She is a very lonely person and not very happy. Because she never looks internally for the reasons her relationships fail, she's stagnant and doesn't know how to fix it. I'm not saying that this guy is or isn't 'right' for you - the fact that you're still so young and so ambivalent would suggest that NO guy is 'right' at the moment. Just don't forget that you're a part of this equation and it's not so simple a thing as the dude not meeting your standards. Link to comment
maynards_razorblade69 Posted December 28, 2008 Author Share Posted December 28, 2008 This is my fourth relationship, all the others have been two year relationships, so I reckon I've accumulated a bit of experience. Unfortunately, yes, I have always been the dumper I don't mean to hurt them but in the end, they're just not right. With this one I'm catching it early - better to hurt him now than later down the line when he'll be even more hurt, right? I would like to be single for about a year before I commit to another relationship, as I haven't been single since I was 14.. Link to comment
SighSob Posted December 28, 2008 Share Posted December 28, 2008 Actually I don't physical attraction can fade away...unless you know, you become fatter or something...it's just that time kills the spark you're looking for...well that's IMO. Link to comment
LBP Posted December 28, 2008 Share Posted December 28, 2008 This is my fourth relationship, all the others have been two year relationships, so I reckon I've accumulated a bit of experience. Unfortunately, yes, I have always been the dumper I don't mean to hurt them but in the end, they're just not right. With this one I'm catching it early - better to hurt him now than later down the line when he'll be even more hurt, right? I would like to be single for about a year before I commit to another relationship, as I haven't been single since I was 14.. I'm sorry for being amused, but these are lines I've heard a thousand times before. Don't tell him that thing about wanting to be single for a year. You don't really know if that's true. Say you met the most fabulous guy in the world three days after you dump old schlomo. Are you -really- going to pass on him just because you want the whole, arbitrarily defined year to come to grips with your singleness? Save yourself the possible embarrassment and ignore the temptation associated with these imaginary contracts. Just be open minded with yourself and willing the learn as opposed to simply experience. You're the active party in your life. Make the most of it. None of these break ups happened in a void - you were there, too! Link to comment
mariposa81 Posted December 28, 2008 Share Posted December 28, 2008 Putting myself in his shoes, I think if someone wanted to break up with me, I'd want to know about it as soon as possible. If you really have given it some serious thought, I would do it face to face, especially since it's probably going to come as a shock to him and he doesn't see it coming. Breakups are never easy, but it's better to do it sooner than later, instead of prolonging it because you know breaking up with him will hurt his feelings. In the long run, it's better for him and you. Good luck Link to comment
kaoticbaby Posted December 28, 2008 Share Posted December 28, 2008 i don't get why everyone is judging the OP for wanting to break up with her boyfriend? i know that most of the people who are on here are resenting their exes, but that doesn't mean the rest of us have to marry the person we're with. it is hard to break up with someone, i know because i am in that situation right now. now i'm scared to ask for advice. Link to comment
Honey Pumpkin Posted December 28, 2008 Share Posted December 28, 2008 Hey - just wanted to point out the OP is only 20, and i don't know about you guys, but I've been both dumper and dumpee - that's life, and especially when you're young. In my opinion, if you've decided to end it, I would do it face to face in private - at his, if possible, so you can leave if he's upset. I would be clear and honest, that you're not feeling the spark any more, and that there is no chance that you want him back. Answer any questions he has, but don't spin it out for hours. Be nice, and leave. Yeah, it's going to suck for him just before New Year's Eve right enough, but if you're sure I would do it now. Good luck. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted December 28, 2008 Share Posted December 28, 2008 Face to face, never over the phone. It's not a crime to dump someone, but be gentle, and as honest as you possibly can. I wouldn't be cruel, but on the other hand, don't sugar coat it, and say, "We can be friends", as you know that won't happen. Link to comment
UCLAMike Posted December 29, 2008 Share Posted December 29, 2008 Hi all, I've decided to break up with my boyfriend - he's really lovely, very nice and sweet, but I just don't feel a spark between us. We've been seeing each other for 5 months, and he's heavily committed to us, but I feel differently. Questions I have are: Do I break up over the phone or do I owe it to him to tell him in person (which I have done with all previous boyfriends), and do I do it tonight, now that I've decided I'm definitely going to do it, or tomorrow? It's a shame, and he's going to be really upset, but I've had a few weeks apart from him spending time with family and just realised that I don't feel for him what I thought I did. It's not fair to keep stringing him along when I feel like this. Any help appreciated!! Merry Crimbo Not to be disrespectful but I think you are taking this too lightly and making decisions during a phase. or at least it comes off that way. You have to be extremely sure about this because what you are about to do will possible have permanent consequences, aka never getting back with him even if you realize you want him later. If you must, yes please go ahead and break it off because you both deserve it. but i'd do it face to face because it's much easier for the dumpee to get over. It will hurt his ego way less than if you were to do it through text. Link to comment
UCLAMike Posted December 29, 2008 Share Posted December 29, 2008 I agree. 5 months deserves a face to face lol i went 1 yr and she gave me the text instead, Link to comment
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