How to stop obsessing...

[urbanmiller]

I feel like I am over my ex, but I am definitely not over the pain that was caused by the ending of the relationship. I can't stop obsessing over him though, and by that I mean I am always looking at his facebook page and trying to get info about what is going on his life. I found out that he is dating another girl and things seem to be doing well and it doesn't really bother me, but i am OBSESSED with trying to find out more details about the relationship. What is going on and how do I stop?

[SighSob]

Well, first off congratulations cause you are already in an advanced state of healing. Actually as long as it doesn't hurt you to find out infos about your ex, I see no problems in being obsessed with him. It will eventually pass with time.

[nutbrownhare]

This is going to be difficult, but this is part of NC - stop looking at the Facebook page, and anything else which will yield information about him. Then put the energy spent on him, into your own life.

 

Look upon this in the same way that you would giving up any other addiction; you will go through a period of withdrawal and grieving - this is what will help you to move on, in the long run.

 

By the way, if you really WERE over your ex, you wouldn't be acting this way. Allow yourself to grieve, don't deny your feelings, and get support. There are lots of people on here who know what you're going through, and will be here for you.

 

(((hugs)))

[ad-mortem]

It's normal still to care about him because he was an important part of your life, even if he isn't anymore. Do everything you can to stay busy over the next few weeks or months, however long it takes, and eventually the urge to check up on him should fade.

[urbanmiller]

thanks for your replies. i really want to stop doing this , but it is like an addiction. i can't really force myself to stop for any extended period of time. so if i can't force myself to stop, will i just eventually stop in time?

[nutbrownhare]

Urbanmiller - I know how difficult this can be. In ye olden days, before mobile phones and suchlike, and I were but a wee nipper - I put a note saying 'DON'T' on my phone, to stop me from contacting someone to whom I was dangerously addicted. It effectively stopped me from phoning. In time, it worked in that I got on with my own life and he became irrelevant.

 

Problem is that addictions eventually feed on themselves. Without some willpower on your part (at least initially) this will effectively keep you stuck in a painful place.

 

What will also help is if you can find something else (preferably healthy!) which will absorb much of the spare time and energy you're now spending on him. You're the only one who can provide the answer to this bit!

[julioiglesia]

I have to agree with the lady above. That the craving you are getting is an addiction no different from the addiction you get from smoking, etc.

 

Do me a favor and ask this to yourself. "SO WHAT?"

your ex is dating with someone and are doing so well "so what?"

your ex is doing so well working with his coworkers "so what?"

your ex this and that "so what?"

 

you should feel like a paparazzi right now but you should quit being a paparazzi and become the jaded and tired viewer who are sick and tired of the glamorous lives that Brad Pitt and A Jolie are living. Yea they just addopted another child from India So WHAT?. You say that in each sentence "SO WHAT?" you'll soon become apathetic (indifferent - don't care no more)

 

THe second part is. HOw is my life going to change by snooping on the ex's life?

what stays in Vegas stays in Vegas and there is nothing that going to help you in your daily life. LIke for example Jay Z and Beyonce both made 110 million last year

GReAT! BUT so WHAT? WILL THEY GIVE A DAMN AND HAND ME A DARN PENNY TO ME? NO so why care? same with your ex. He is having a great time and all SO what? what is that going to change or help YOU? nothing?

 

So ask those two questions?

 

and sorry for sounding a little blunter than the other repliers.

But be strong. Just close the doors of the past and give him a prayer that he'll survive on his two feet and that he'll be in a safe environemtn that does not need your constant surveillance. and have peace. emancipation at last.

[hurtandused]

well put thats my mantra from now on

[julioiglesia]

So what is a great Jazz song by Miles Davis/ John Coltrane. I am a big jazz fanatic. you can say that mantra as you listen to jazz. as you listen to this song try meditating and visualize this.

 

make sure you breathe in and out in a quiet room with "so what" song and think about all the ex and all the bad / good memories and put them in a box. keep visualizing and then put that box in flames and let it burn and smell the residue...

 

visualizing is proven method in meditation for healing.