DN Posted February 13, 2009 Share Posted February 13, 2009 I can see how stressful that is. But do try to focus this weekend on the items that are of most import and don't get sidetracked into complaining about things like his mother. That situation will solve itself sooner or later - his commitment to you is the thing to talk about. Link to comment
allypally Posted February 13, 2009 Author Share Posted February 13, 2009 Well now he isn't so sure about marriage - at least for the foreseeable future. What is the point in me staying here if he wants to put all of these things off and even then there is no guarantee that we will be together next year when it'll be too late. Again this is very selfish of him to keep me/our life together on hold. He seems unable to put himself in my shoes. He talks about his day, his stuff and it makes me so angry. I still wonder whether he understands what commitment actually means. I think his mother will always come between us, as my parents have also warned me. Link to comment
DN Posted February 13, 2009 Share Posted February 13, 2009 Not if she is 75 and you go to live in another country. Don't assume you know what he wants and will do until he says so and does what he says. Link to comment
allypally Posted February 13, 2009 Author Share Posted February 13, 2009 He has told me time and time again that he doesn't know what he wants from life (hence the other of my many threads that I have started). My commitment to him is staying in this country and yet we are at a stale mate. I get the impression that he is giving me the run around. I quizzed him about the sort of life he wants to lead - he has no strong preferences for anything. Just goes along with what I say - fine, but when it comes to actually getting to that place - I'm the one who does everything. Its driving me up the wall and I just don't have the energy for it anymore. A friend advised me to 'land' in the new country and come back to sort things out with him. That way I won't throw it all away. But I agree with your last reply DN. It boils down to the same saying - Actions speak louder than words. Link to comment
DN Posted February 13, 2009 Share Posted February 13, 2009 Then you need to say that to him. There are two people in a relationship dynamic - and if one partner's behaviour is not acceptable you need to say so - even if that means you may break up. There is no reason you have to wait for him to make his decisions if he takes so long. You can decide your actions too. But you do owe him being told in terms, in person and in time. Link to comment
Tethys Posted February 13, 2009 Share Posted February 13, 2009 allypally, I have read your posts, and I am going to be honest here. I do not think you should marry this man. I think you should go abroad as you planned and experience whatever you can! This man does not make you happy -- he makes you nervous, unhappy, and depressed. You cannot even be around him with other women because you are so afraid he's going to eyeball them or flirt with them. This is not about you -- it's about HIS behavior. Perhaps there are other women out there for him who can put up with his behavior, I don't know, but you can't. And I don't blame you. I was with a man who did that too, and it was hell -- I just hated how I had to dread every social occasion as I knew he would flirt and eye-eff every woman there, and sometimes disappear with them as well. (In my case, yes, he did cheat on me, and it wasn't a surprise given how he acted around women!) It's just not worth it. Your partner through life should not make you feel "on guard" every second. You should feel relaxed, trusting, happy, not constantly stressed out. I wish you the best of luck though, ally... Link to comment
allypally Posted February 13, 2009 Author Share Posted February 13, 2009 Thanks Tethys and DN, and everyone else who have replied to all my threads. Yes, I am always on my guard in social situations and I don't like the way it makes me feel - very insecure and jealous. He has even gone as far as admitting that he would have doubted the relationship if I had done what he did to me on our first holiday. The relationship has cost me my mental and physical well-being - I have severe dermatitis on my face and neck and I feel even more unattractive now. He does nothing to alleviate the stress. He is too afraid to stand up to his mother who rules his life it seems - she is always phoning him. All I want is peace in my life and freedom. I don't want to do all the work in the relationship anymore, I also resent having to be the one to give up on the dream of a better life when with him things are such a struggle. Link to comment
DN Posted February 13, 2009 Share Posted February 13, 2009 Ok - so what are you going to do? Link to comment
Tethys Posted February 13, 2009 Share Posted February 13, 2009 I am so sorry, Ally, and I know it is hard to let go, but you have your answer. Link to comment
allypally Posted February 13, 2009 Author Share Posted February 13, 2009 What I've done so many times before - give him the bottom line about how I simply cannot continue like this. He told me the other night that he is 'improving' and 'getting there' when it comes to thinking less like a single man. I mean who in their right mind admits to this when he had asked me to marry him???! I think he is deluded about what marriage is. An ultimatum is the only way forward - FOR ME. I want a better life FOR ME, if he wants to be a single man and screw around with other women, thats fine but I won't be there. He has also lied to me. Don't think I can ever trust him either which is really bad. Link to comment
Tethys Posted February 13, 2009 Share Posted February 13, 2009 What I've done so many times before - give him the bottom line about how I simply cannot continue like this. He told me the other night that he is 'improving' and 'getting there' when it comes to thinking less like a single man. I mean who in their right mind admits to this when he had asked me to marry him???! I think he is deluded about what marriage is. An ultimatum is the only way forward - FOR ME. I want a better life FOR ME, if he wants to be a single man and screw around with other women, thats fine but I won't be there. He has also lied to me. Don't think I can ever trust him either which is really bad. I agree with everything you have said. You deserve more than this, and you know it, which is why he makes you so mad! Link to comment
DN Posted February 13, 2009 Share Posted February 13, 2009 I agree with everything you have said. You deserve more than this, and you know it, which is why he makes you so mad! I agree too. This shilly-shallying has gone on long enough and 'improving and getting there' isn't the same thing as 'being there'. Tell him that he either marries you or you are gone. And yes, that is an ultimatum. Link to comment
allypally Posted February 13, 2009 Author Share Posted February 13, 2009 One thing is for certain - I am going through hell - and I keep on going, and keep on going ..... - Winston Churchill came out with some great expressions. Link to comment
DN Posted February 13, 2009 Share Posted February 13, 2009 But - you have been part of the reason for that hell existing. You also have a responsibility here. Link to comment
allypally Posted February 13, 2009 Author Share Posted February 13, 2009 Like many people on this forum - we hang on to hope - that things will change for the better. You want to see the good in people and believe that their intentions are good. Its very difficult to see a situation for what it is and act on it accordingly. Link to comment
Tethys Posted February 13, 2009 Share Posted February 13, 2009 Like many people on this forum - we hang on to hope - that things will change for the better. You want to see the good in people and believe that their intentions are good. Its very difficult to see a situation for what it is and act on it accordingly. Ally, both you and your bf are good people, I am sure (esp as - opposed to bad people?). However, you are different. He does not make you happy -- he is a flirt, and you don't trust him. And you know he will ditch you to spend time with a pretty woman. I personally would not put up with that. I think he has A LOT of growing up to do, whereas you are the mature one in this relationship. I think you should dump him and go to N. America, everything you have worked for, and experience life. He is holding you back -- he has not encouraged you but merely tried to hold you back. I don't know what else to say -- you have given your reasons already as to why you should leave him. Please don't throw away your hard work for this joker. Live your life! Link to comment
DN Posted February 13, 2009 Share Posted February 13, 2009 Like many people on this forum - we hang on to hope - that things will change for the better. You want to see the good in people and believe that their intentions are good. Its very difficult to see a situation for what it is and act on it accordingly. Yes, that is true. But that doesn't mean that you have to let a situation drag out until The relationship has cost me my mental and physical well-being - I have severe dermatitis on my face and neck and I feel even more unattractive now. Link to comment
Kiteless Posted February 13, 2009 Share Posted February 13, 2009 Emmigrate. Enjoy the adventure. Find what you really want in life and someone who appreciates you and has the same goals. You deserve it! Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.