Self-Hating Individuals

[LW4E]

This is more of an opinion based thread, I'm not looking for advice or anything, I was just having a conversation with my friends the other night and this came up, so I wanted to hear your opinions on it.

 

I know for a lot of you the answer to this question will seem like a no brainer, but it surprised me the other night to hear that some people actually have other opinions on the matter.

 

The question is:

 

Do you believe that an individual who hates themself can be in a mature, balanced relationship?

 

I don't believe they can, so I was so surprised when the topic came up and I actually had people saying yes they can. One example they used was my past relationship, they said that my girlfriend always went on and on about how she hated herself... yet we were together for three years.

 

Of course to that I responded "Yes, but it wasn't a mature relationship, things were one sided, I worked hard to make things between us work, and she just wanted me around so she wouldn't be alone, not to mention, she cheated on me twice, and she's not even leaving her current boyfriend whilst she knows he's interested in someone else."

 

I really don't believe that self-hating individuals, under any circumstance can have a mature relationship with someone, because if they hate themselves, they're missing the point of a relationship... which I believe is for two peopel to share their happiness, not for one person to suck happiness out of the other.

 

What do you think?

 

Edit: Yes, back then I wasn't exactly Mr. Confidence either and did have a low opinion of myself and feared being alone, hence the reason I took her back the first time she cheated.

 

Again, immature relationship

[Shadows Light]

No.... I believe you have to be able to Love yourself before you can love someone else.

 

As you pointed out, you were the balancing factor in your past relationship.... and I wouldn't call it a successful relationship either, it

went south after THREE years, and it was very unbalanced and turbulent

during the relationship

[Cognitive_Canine]

I do not believe they can.

[waveseer]

No, because a person who hates themselves cannot accept your love.

[Timebandit]

In a word: no

 

If not only because self-haters are experts at self-sabotage (I have been there)

[LW4E]

I figured everybody would say no, I just had to make sure because I was so caught off guard when my friends started saying yes. And it's not like I was talking to people who are total dating virgins either, most of them have seen much more than I have as far as dating goes.

[waveseer]

I figured everybody would say no, I just had to make sure because I was so caught off guard when my friends started saying yes. And it's not like I was talking to people who are total dating virgins either, most of them have seen much more than I have as far as dating goes.

 

Most people live in a fantasy world when it comes to romantic relationships. Know how I know that? I used to be one of them.

[LW4E]

Most people live in a fantasy world when it comes to romantic relationships. Know how I know that? I used to be one of them.

 

Me too, I was really irrational and believed everything could and should be perfect... I'm much more realistic nowadays

 

At one point I even felt like I was falling out of love with my girlfriend when the honeymoon phase was... well, phasing out because things didn't seem as perfect as they did when we first met.

[lady00]

I don't think so. But I have seen posts by some people who insist that even though they don't like themselves much or in some cases loathe themselves, that will not prevent them from being in a healthy relationship.

[LW4E]

Well the way I see it is, people who say they hate themselves are immature to begin with... so how are they goign to make a relationship, something that requires much maturity to work?

[laisla]

in my opinion, no. but,

 

... so how are they goign to make a relationship, something that requires much maturity to work?

 

they can grow and learn.

[Sketch]

I don't think it can work.

 

 

Well the way I see it is, people who say they hate themselves are immature to begin with...

 

Not all self-hate stems from maturity. The desire to assimilate yourself into mainstream culture or societal trends can lead to 'self-hatred'. Jewish, Black, and Native American are a few groups of people who have experienced these feelings.

 

A strong desire to conform to the culture they love, while the culture they love despises attributes they posses that are not changeable. My opinion is that these people are not immature, but rather living with difficult circumstances.

 

 

On top of this you have the mainstream media which is brainwashing people to feel uncomfortable about their appearance, intelligence, fincances, etc.

 

Then, they sell all the cures for those same 'problems' : Diet pill x9000, How to learn Latin in 30 days, Financial seminar for getting out of debt and making your first million!

I don't think people should succumb to the self-hatred, but I also think it is not necessarily immature if people do end up there.

[John Bendix]

I'll respond with a question.

 

How do tell someone that they are beautiful to you, or sexy or just really great to be around when they feel they lack so much?

 

My X could never take a compliment from me. It was said in a honest and genuine way. She would pooh-pooh it, tell me that I was crazy and walk away, seemingly in self defense. This may be the hieght of self absorption. Eventually, they seem to feel that they are so lacking that they are able to take care of their needs only.

 

The self defense part: Defending the image of herself that her ego had created. An ego that is obsessed with what she lacks. What it feels it needs to be worthy.

 

Anybody that thinks that they are beautiful or in love with them, must be flawed themselves. And even that the person giving them these compliments will eventually "wake up" and realize that they are so lacking that they will leave them. Often, it is better for them to leave first so they will not have to deal with rejection to their already vulnerable ego.

[LW4E]

The way I see it is you know more about a person when you've been in love with them for a while than you do when you just fell in love. When you have just fallen in love with someone, chances are that you're seeing mainly the good things about them, and their flaws start to shine through later on. It's really not until later on that you may discover that you fell in love with someone who really doesn't like themself.

 

Now I don't know about anyone else, but I always believed that my self-hating girlfriend was a beautiful person inside and out. I don't think we trouly know why our significant others hate themselves, all we know is that they do and we, being the support systems we are for our SO try to convince them to see the beauty in themselves that we do.

 

I don't think its crazy to find beauty in someone who hates themselves, especially if you're in love with that person, because there must be something you find spectacular about them, am I right? I think its immature for someone who hates themself to get into a relationship in the first place because they're going to have someone who loves them unconditionally, and they won't be able to properly love them back because chances are... they're not even in the relationship for the right reasons.

 

I believe that people who hate themselves are beautiful in their own way, I just think they have some unresolved issues with themselves that they should work out before tryign to make someone else happy.

[LW4E]

Doesn't something like this also stem from one's unresolved issues with themself? Yeah, I know a lot of people who are influenced by media, or who are influenced by peers, but I also know an equal amount who aren't phased by any of that, and they are obviously the people who're more comfortable with who they are.

[Sketch]

LW4E wrote:

Doesn't something like this also stem from one's unresolved issues with themself?

Yeah, but I wouldn't isolate maturity as the lone cause.

 

 

Stephen Hawking, for example, was depressed for quite some time...I doubt it was due to immaturity as much as his physical disability and perhaps a desire to be more 'normal' as defined by societies' standards.

 

 

"I was a bit depressed," Hawking said, "but I soon realized that the rest of the world won't want to know if you are bitter or angry. You have to be positive if you are to get much sympathy or help."

 

And while I think his attitude is more mature today then previously, I don't think that others who are afflicted with uncontrollable issues which lead to personal distress are immature if they have not overcome or accepted them yet.

[LW4E]

LW4E wrote:

 

Yeah, but I wouldn't isolate maturity as the lone cause.

 

 

Stephen Hawking, for example, was depressed for quite some time...I doubt it was due to immaturity as much as his physical disability and perhaps a desire to be more 'normal' as defined by societies' standards.

 

 

"I was a bit depressed," Hawking said, "but I soon realized that the rest of the world won't want to know if you are bitter or angry. You have to be positive if you are to get much sympathy or help."

 

And while I think his attitude is more mature today then previously, I don't think that others who are afflicted with uncontrollable issues which lead to personal distress are immature if they have not overcome or accepted them yet.

 

I wasn't isolating maturity as the lone cause for this, I was saying that it reflects one's maturity. I just don't believe anybody has a reason to hate themself, be mad at yourself? Yes, I get mad at myself quite a bit, but I don't hate myself as I have no reason.

 

People should look deep into themselves and discover what truly makes them unique and beautiful instead of dwelling on the things they don't like about themselves. We all have things we don't like about ourselves, but most of us can take notices of those certain things that make us unique, beautiful and great.