confronting a friend

[tom1607307597]

During this last semester I've had to deal a few friends who I would call, or text, to hang out or just study; they'll reply but usually they don't do the same back (calling me, texting, etc.). I don't know why it taken so long but now I feel like confronting them about it. I was just seeing if sending a message like this would be a bad idea or not, I've had a history of doing socially awkward things in the past and hopefully not do the same again here.

 

Here's a general idea of what I was thinking about writing to a a few of them:

 

Dear _______:

 

We've been friends for awhile now and it seems like I've called you a several times over the last semester to hang out or study every once in a while. Maybe you were busy, maybe we just weren't good friends in the first place. Whatever is was you never called back, texted me, whatever for anything. Dude I can't be friends with you if you don't meet me halfway, if you don't make any effort to be friends here then I should probably stop trying.

 

(end message)

 

Maybe just sending something like that would be awkward in itself but I really feel I need to bring this up, this has happened too many times already.

[Honey Pumpkin]

Don't send it in a message, say it to them instead.

[ad-mortem]

I agree with Honey Pumpkin, saying it to them's much more likely to get a positive response, and the way you've phrased the message kinda sounds like you're giving them an ultimatum, which they probably won't respond well to. When you're talking to them, try to keep it good natured no matter how annoyed you are so they don't get all defensive.

[Shyguy24]

Why be so bothered if they dont text and stuff. Lay of for a while and see if they call or text to hear from you.

 

The ones who do appreciate you and the ones who dont ...well

 

Actions speak louder than words can ever. Try getting them to act to show they care about you and are not just fair weather friends.

 

The thing is that there are all kinds of people in this world and most are like social contacts and not really friends but then that is life. It takes a lot to make good friends. I always call a lot intially in a friendship and later after a while the other person starts to respond.

[tom1607307597]

Why be so bothered if they dont text and stuff. Lay of for a while and see if they call or text to hear from you.

 

The ones who do appreciate you and the ones who dont ...well

 

I could do settle for that and see what happens; but there's this feeling in my gut that they won't call or text, they seem too caught up with other friends to make time for that. If that's really the case then I probably should just move on.

 

Actions speak louder than words can ever. Try getting them to act to show they care about you and are not just fair weather friends.

 

What do you mean by getting them to act like they care about me, rather than just during the good times or "fair weather"? Aside from bringing up the issue with them or waiting it out what else is there to do.

[abitbroken]

I would just widen my circle of aquaintences and start calling other people. Or be a joiner. When you see something is going on, don't wait for a formal invitation. If there is an event happening, just show up and mingle with people you know who you see there.

 

Also, you say they will reply but won't "do the same" - i interpret that if you call them, they text back, etc. Don't be so hung up on the mode. maybe they are in class, or somewhere where they can't talk.

 

Enjoy the times you CAN get together. i found I was so busy in college that it was hard to make plans far in advance. I was more likely to be able to do something spontaneously, like ask who was up for coffee after we came out of class together or something. Ask me to do something a week from then and I couldn't tell ya

[tom1607307597]

actually i meant it as I call them, they pick up and answer. the opposite where they even call is what's not happening, and pretty much why it's bugging me right now. if i call someone and their in class usually they text me back saying "i'm in class" or something around those lines.

 

maybe it's worth mentioning but spontaneous doesn't usually work for me. so for example, "let's go on a road trip right now" or let's go to so-and-so's place right now are some stuff i avoid doing. unless its lunch or something simple i never seem to do stuff in the moment. maybe other people in college are more the opposite

[Abby]

Personally, I've not had much luck when it comes to asking someone if there's something wrong, etc. It's not like I go at them both barrels either! I say something like, "Is everything ok? Only I've not heard from you in some time and wondered if you are all right?"

 

I get a range of responses

 

1) They continue to ignore me,

2) They say that everything is fine while I notice their voice going up in pitch then they resume 'radio silence' which worries me even more because if everything was actually ok, how come they didn't resume contact, especially as they now know that I'm concerned?

3) They start gettting pissy and defensive as in 'how dare you ask me such a thing?'

 

If anyone else has any suggestions, please let me know. I'm curious, too!

 

Thanks

[cassiana]

I won't bother confronting them. I would just stop calling or texting them. Let them do the running from now on. If they do great, if they don't then they weren't your friends and you have your dignity.

[tom1607307597]

Thanks for your all your advice guys. Maybe the best thing to do at this point is next time I see them hint at it or tell them they should try calling more, in a friendly way. Then the ball is in there court... see what happens after that. Friendships are something I just don't get sometimes.