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elizmdavis

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....if not, that's OK too. I am just trying to figure something out...I'd love some opinions.

 

Since I've known my SO (even before we dated) he has always been very friendly with girls. And by "friendly" I mean he is always "there" for girls, as a friend. When I was just his friend he was really supportive with me through stuff, so I always held him in high regard. I know that he can be a great listener and advice giver too.

 

I love all his friends that are girls. We hang out and I really enjoy their company. I understand school acquaintances too, no problemo. But there are 2 girls that I just have issues with. One is his 8-year internet chum. The other is this 18-year old that he tutored for 2 months this semester. He is constantly texting them. He admits that he confides in the internet girl for advice about me...which bothers the life out of me. The 18-year old he says "We just clicked". Still doesn't explain anything to me. C'mon, she is 6 years younger...what could she possibly know?! While he was tutoring her, I was just happy that he was helping someone and making money. It started to go way beyond mentioning how well she did on a test. He talks to me about her and I just get SO ANNOYED now. "Oh" he says, "so and so is sick today...I feel bad" "her parents are loaded!" "Oh, she is a christian" blah blah.The other day we talked about how his newfound-connection to her bothers me - I sarcastically said her name and he corrected me...saying "She is in my life...you'll have to know her name." ](*,)He also says "You can meet her! It's OK!!" That was his reassurance, that and "You have nothing to worry about!"

 

I am sad because our communication hasn't been the best, and I feel like he talks to these girls because he can communicate better with them other than me. We've been fighting a lot these days...down to just wanting ot end things. But we don't want to quit....we are really trying to work on things. We had peaceful communication about all of this, but I still dont feel at ease. He came to the conclusion that I feel he can do anything he wants as long as it's not hurting him, me or our relationship. I'm so glad that he knows this!! But, are these "friends" going to help us or hurt us?

 

He was taking a nap today and I looked at his phone (I know, I know.)....there were messages to her, long ones about how he hopes she feels better....doctor advice...how he'll pray for her (good one, he barely prays for himself). They talked about christmas and he said to her that he had "drama" just before xmas that he would share with her later. That drama was US!!! This is not OK with me at all. Again, how is this good or bad for us? I feel like I am far from making this any better, especially because I checked his phone...that shows mistrust. Ugh.

 

I confide in fellow enotalone people, is this the same or is it different? You all are strangers to him as she is to me...but I don't personally know any of you. I am just trying to figure this one out. Checking his messages was wrong of me, I know. I am VERY insecure about this aspect of him right now...and I don't want to be anymore. Especially since we've been VERY rocky and are trying hard to work on things. I'd rather focus on us and not this.

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These friends will most likely hurt your relationship. Any time you have another person chiming in on YOUR relationship, that means he is looking for advice and very well may take it from his friends.

I know in the past some have disagreed with this, but with my current bf we don't talk about drama and any problems which happen between us to friends or anyone else. It's kept and resolved among ourselves. Don't ask me how he does it lol (j/k), but when I have a dilemma, I tend to ask for advice on this annonymous forum.

From day one he told me to also please not go telling other people about or if we have any problems. And so far things seem to be working out well.

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He is very attached to his female friends, particularly the one that bothers you the most. I'm afraid this will not change (because he doesn't want it to). You will have to either accept him the way he is or find a man that isn't already surrounded with women.

 

I wouldn't just accept him or walk away. I'd maybe try and talk to him, and tell him I am NOT ok with him telling everyone about the drama which happens between us. Maybe explain to him how things can be worked out in a healthier way if both people talk to each other vs friends and outsiders.

I know it can be helpfull to get outsiders opinions, but they also only work with the info given to them, while small details are always left out. Plus what's worse is that they'll keep remembering those past drama's while you and your bf have long moved on.

 

Ok, I do agree though that chances are kind of slim he may change. Then again I used to kind of be like him in past relationships and tell my "best friend" or other close friends all about my problems and now I don't. If he hadn't set boundries I'd still be doing it honestly.

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The reason I was either or with my opinion is because the man in question is infatuated with his favorite girl and it isn't the OP. I doubt you were infatuated with the close friends you were confiding in.

 

Yes, very true. These guys I confided in where usually just friends. No romantic interest on my part.

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My ex had a good female friend he went to school with. Ok: catching up at the holidays. OK: sending a card/call to let him know she had a baby a few months. OK. NOT OK: asking him to come with her for mammogram because she was scared. NOT OK: Giving a female friend dirt about your girlfriend.

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Eliz,

 

I can give you my advice because I am type of a guy who tends to prefer female friends over males. Anyways, before I met my wife I had many girl aquittances which I didn't think would cause issues until few years into my marriage. It's never wrong to have girls who are friends, however there needs to be a distinct line drawn by your boyfriend as how much time he spends with them, how much he talks to them and his overall involvement with them. He is basically living in a world where he can not only feel intimacy to you but to them as well. In my opinion that’s what he is doing. The biggest problem comes when you guys hit turbulence, because he is going to run right to these girls that he is not having issues with. It’s just too easy and convenient.

 

I had a similar situation when I was going through some tough times in my professional career. I had a female friend who was a coworker and was going through the same issues and we clicked to the point where I would want to talk to her all the time and was always looking forward to seeing her and talking to her. My wife did not really understand the issues I was having at work so naturally I was clinging to someone who not only understood what I was going through but who I also clicked with.

 

This was definitely a problem that I was having and if I didn’t realize what it was leading to, it probably would have led to us having some serious marital problems (divorce). I would talk to him about this and have him choose between you or her (them). I hate ultimatums, but he is abusing your understanding of him having female friends. I think a lot of women are not as cool as you when it comes to having their bf have female friends, at least he can do is realize how lucky he is that you not only accept that but you seem to be friendly with many of his friends. Be strong about it and draw the line. This could be an opportunity to see who he wants more in his life. And frankly if he cannot give up his 18 year old friend for you then maybe you shouldn’t be with him. I know it’s tough but it’s better to find out now then prior to getting married and having kids. Good Luck!

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He is very attached to his female friends, particularly the one that bothers you the most. I'm afraid this will not change (because he doesn't want it to). You will have to either accept him the way he is or find a man that isn't already surrounded with women.

 

Yeah, he has a pattern of getting attatched like this. I've known him for over 5 years (we've dated 3 1/2), girls have always known him as "the nice guy". I made it clear to him that you;ve got to have boundaries and watch how you attatch yourself. Some girls may think you are more than what you want to be with them. I've been there...if a guy showed me just the right kind of companionship...I grew very attatched to him and sometimes it led to more.

 

yikes.

 

I am not his mother...I feel like I am always suggesting this advice to him. He doesn't seem to accept any of it...he makes excuses like, "we are just friends, OK"

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These friends will most likely hurt your relationship. Any time you have another person chiming in on YOUR relationship, that means he is looking for advice and very well may take it from his friends.

I know in the past some have disagreed with this, but with my current bf we don't talk about drama and any problems which happen between us to friends or anyone else. It's kept and resolved among ourselves. Don't ask me how he does it lol (j/k), but when I have a dilemma, I tend to ask for advice on this annonymous forum.

From day one he told me to also please not go telling other people about or if we have any problems. And so far things seem to be working out well.

 

Yeah, I have told my close girlfriends about our drama...it helps me feel supported. The difference is that he knows these people and he trusts their affiliation to me, and they are the same sex as I. I do not know these two. He tries talking to me abut them like it's supposed to help, but it doesn't help. What I want to understand is what is so special about them that he feels he must give them this attention. Especially the "tuttee""..he helped her once a week for 2 months and now they are chums? What's the big deal? I've made plenty of acquaintences at my new job, but no one I would constantly text...especially about my relationship.

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My ex had a good female friend he went to school with. Ok: catching up at the holidays. OK: sending a card/call to let him know she had a baby a few months. OK. NOT OK: asking him to come with her for mammogram because she was scared. NOT OK: Giving a female friend dirt about your girlfriend.

 

 

Yeah, I agree with all of the OK's you have there. Its almost as if he gives them dirt because he wants to hear how they would handle situations - maybe he is disliking the way I handle them. That is why I used to ask guys about their opinions (but that was YEARS ago).

 

These girls are way younger than me and less experienced....what advice could they possibly give him about ME? It makes no sense.

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1.) I just feel decieved...but how do I justify it? I looked at his phone to get my info...thats not OK. However he does tell me about her (to, uhh, clear the air), maybe I can go on that. He is not being sexual or anything like that. It is the constant attention that he gives, that is the problem. It's the sharing our relationship info with 2 strangers...and young ones...thats a problem too. Thank you for validating that it's not OK for him to have this intimacy with them.

 

2.) I've clicked with someone like this too, I understand that it happens! But it's how it gets handled, that makes the biggest difference. There is a line that tends to get crossed when you "click" with someone...it's a fine line, especially when you are in a relationship.

 

3.) I didn't tell you the craziest part! Her parents offered him a job with their company. They have a business on their 2 acres of land...right by their house. He really needs a job, so I am glad he has a decent offer. BUT, I am not OK with it for obvious reasons. I don't think I will be OK with this job until I get some REAL understanding about all of this. An ultimatum right now would only make us fight...should I go ahead and just fight then? I feel like I have justifiable reasons!

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Nah don't fight, there is no point to that. A choice is something you have to make and then talking to your boyfriend about the choice you make, is what I suggest. You mentioned there is no sexual part between your bf and her, that's ok, but there is more to attraction and intimacy then sex. If my wife cheated on me and she made a mistake and it was more of a physical fling I would be more understanding of that, then if my wife emotionally cheated on me, and had a love intimacy relationship with someone else. ( I really wouldn’t care for either)

 

Like I said before it just takes a serious fight between you guys and there he goes to a girl waiting in the shadow. You chicks know that a guy who is taken is more appealing than the one who is not. A scientific experiment that has been proven and someone got a Nobel prize somewhere, I think

So even though you shouldn't restrict him from having friends who are girls (that would be cruel and unusual punishment) there needs to be lines made. For example, ""Hey, "chump" I would appreciate it if you wouldn't discuss our relationship with the "tuttee" I feel that this is a personal stuff that should be kept between us"" this is upfront and it establishes a boundary that he ought to respect. Nothing unreasonable.

 

Also, another reason that it’s not good for him to discuss your personal issues with her, is because she can use that against you later. Such as, something that you might do that is his pet peeve, that maybe cause fights between you two, and then he tells her that, then she uses that against you to chum up to him while you guys are in a fight . . .

 

Example:

 

(Her) Hey, what’s the matter?

 

(Him) you know what, she is doing that thing she always does to pi$$ me off

 

(Her) oh no, is she really? I think that sucks, I would never do that to you, you are special

 

(Him) oh man your words are like whisper from an angel

 

(Her) oh we are soul mates, let’s go run off into the sunset together . . . [-X

 

See this can happen, and I say this because I am speaking partially from experience. Although I never ran off into the sunset with my coworker, I started to feel things that I shouldn't have. Like I said from previous post I get along with chickas much better then dudes, but I made a decision not to get to friendly with other girls after that whole thing happened to me earlier in my marriage. Does it suck, yeah it kind of does because I really feel in my environment when I am around girlies but my wife means more to me then my friendship with other girls. It's a fine line and he has to walk it, but judging from what you said he is not doing a great job doing it.

 

Also, yeah the whole job thing sounds kind of weird to me, again I don't know the situation so I cannot really judge. Next thing you know, is that her dad is offering him a position in the upper management in exchange for him marrying his daughter. 8-[ That offer is hard to refuse (J/K) Okay enough joking let's get serious. Bottom line, I would not fight, that is not a healthy way to deal with this. You need to let him know what is acceptable to you. From the sound of it you are not unreasonable by the things you expect from him. He needs to see if he can live with those demands and then both of you decide if you need to be in a relationship. These things seem minor but they can really be a wedge in a long term relationship. I wish you the best good luck!

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