Can't get over this

[Car Chick]

I was so scared off from Brian by all the posts I read about how he's just way too old for me, I am sure ya'll remember them. Now I can't stop thinking about him. We agreed to just be friends and I cry all the time when I think about him. After we agreed to be friends he got himself scared of it. So you think you all have everything figured out about my life? Fine then, tell me how to get over him. You all think you know everything? Tell me that then?

[waveseer]

If you are thinking about drinking then you need to address that first and worry about this relationship or the lack thereof second.

[Car Chick]

It's this relationship failing that has me so depressed though. When still had a chance, I was fine.

[homeagain]

go to an aa meeting. in most cities, they are around the clock. think about being and staying sober first. you can work on your relationship in time, but you can't do it if you don't stay in control.

 

you will figure out the relationship stuff. it's probably going to hurt, but it is MUCH more important to stay sober. that's your whole life!

[Car Chick]

I do go to AA, that's where I met him. And besides, I have it under control. I have my sponser to call. I'm going to drink, I just hate having that feeling. I hate feeling this way, feeling like s*** all the time, being depressed and only being able to think about Brian all the time. I hate that I let him get away. I just want to go back and change things. I just want to hold him and kiss him and love him. I want to marry him and have kids with him. All I can think about is how much I want him and miserable I am without him.

[Mythical_Suicide]

So you think you all have everything figured out about my life? Fine then, tell me how to get over him. You all think you know everything? Tell me that then?

 

 

Wow that is a bit out of line don't you think? You come here asking for advice and then are going to get mad and shun the advice you received? If you truly cared about this guy, what random strangers on the internet said wouldn't have scared you off so badly.

[waveseer]

Wow that is a bit out of line don't you think? You come here asking for advice and then are going to get mad and shun the advice you received? If you truly cared about this guy, what random strangers on the internet said wouldn't have scared you off so badly.

 

She's creating a resentment to nurture until she can drink over it. There's only two ways it can go, resolve the real issue or lose her sobriety.

[Ac143]

Well if you love someone & you break up - isn't it commen sense that it will hurt and you will think about that all the time? UNTIL you are healed.

 

Your mistake was listening to strangers that only knew half the story - if the only reason you broke up with him was because people on here told you to do so...without thinking it thru in from your own prospective then its you to blame. Im sorry but if someone on here told me I HAVE to break up with my BF for whatever reason I wouldn't do it just cause they said so...I would only do it IF I felt it was the right decision for ME!

 

Dont depend on others to make decisions for you..sorry but you sound like you need to grow up a bit.

[Car Chick]

And what's the real issue? The real issue is I'm a legal adult, supposedly in able to make up my own mind, but still trapped by scociety. We live a free country, as long as everyone's an f'ing robot who does what they're expected to do, because when someone gets out of line and actually finds true love, true happiness, everyone has to do everything they can to destroy so that no one ever tries to go outside of lines again. That's scociety. I can't fix that. I didn't write this to ask advice on sobriety, if I need that I'll go to an AA meeting, what I want to know is how to get over that fact that my life is s*** and the best thing that ever happened to me is gone. When someone is depressed and pissed off and can't even think straight, instead of trying to help them you just shoot them down? What kind of help is that? This is supposed to be somewhere people can come for help not just put down when they need help the most.

[waveseer]

Car Chick, pm me if you want. ENA is not responsible for your personal life, you are. Stop blaming other people because you're in pain. We are only here to help.

[Mythical_Suicide]

I didn't shun it that's that got me so F***ed up! I was trying to open minded to the advice since you and others seemed to think I was closed minded, which is one thing I hate (strange coming from people so set in thier ways by the way). But you all seem to think you're so d*** smart and have all the answers. I just want to see what happens when you see you've failed, and just as I thought, you won't admit that you don't have all the answers and you're full of S***. Of course.

 

Noone has ever claimed to have the answers. However when you come on a public message board asking for advice, you are going to get it. If you don't want to hear it, don't ask. Simple as that. Quit blaming others for your problems.

[Car Chick]

I didn't break up with him. We agreed to be friends, because I was scared and confused and didn't know what I was doing. He thought it was best too. I should have tried to tell him that it didn't matter. My mom is so important to me. I knew it would hurt her if I date him. I don't even claim my father as mine. I say my friend is my dad (he's old enough to be). I don't want to hurt her. I'm torn between them. I was trying to do the right thing, but I just can't go through with it. I can't be without him. I don't want to hurt my mom, but at the same time, I'm an adult and I want to be able to make my own choices. I've always given away everything that meant anything to me for everyone else because that's how I was raised, but I'm sick of it. I want to do what's best for her, but sometimes I want to be happy too. I've spent my whole life sacraficing myself for her but now I realize that I can't keep doing that because it's destroying me inside.

[waveseer]

Did anyone force you to make the decisions that you have regarding your relationship?

[browneyedgirl36]

I didn't shun it that's that got me so F***ed up! I was trying to open minded to the advice since you and others seemed to think I was closed minded, which is one thing I hate (strange coming from people so set in thier ways by the way). But you all seem to think you're so d*** smart and have all the answers. I just want to see what happens when you see you've failed, and just as I thought, you won't admit that you don't have all the answers and you're full of S***. Of course.

 

I'm sorry you feel like you got bad advice, but no one "failed" here -- people gave advice based on what you told them of your situation and based on their own knowledge, experiences, intuition, etc. You were under no obligation to take the advice, nor should you blame people here for how you are feeling right now. None of us claims to have all the answers. We formulate our responses based on information you provide and what we know and have experienced to be true for us. Ultimately, you can't -- and shouldn't -- rely solely on the advice of people on the Internet in making big decisions. You also must rely on your own beliefs, values, intuition, etc. in making those decisions, because ultimately, the one makeing the decisions is YOU, and you are the one who has to live with those decisions.

 

I read one of your threads, though I don't think I posted on it, and based on what I read, I would have suggested you not continue with this guy either, for a number of reasons. I think you know, deep down, that he's not "the one" for you, and that's ultimately why you ended things with him. It seems awful now -- it always does when a relationship ends -- but, most of the time, once the dust settles and the emotions aren't so raw, it's easier to see clearly, and we gain wisdom and perspective from heartache.

 

You are only 19 -- you are very young. I say that not to be condescending, but because it is true. You have many, many years left on this earth, and in that time, you will most likely love several other people, possibly much more than you ever loved this one. Even if you don't love them MORE, each love will be DIFFERENT and special in its own way. I am twice your age, and I too thought, at 19, that I had met "the one." When he didn't reciprocate my feelings, I went into a deep sadness that lasted for months. Slowly but surely, reality set in, and I knew I was never going to be with him. It took awhile, but I put him behind me, and I HAVE had that feeling again -- not too many times, because I'm picky -- but at least a couple, and everytime it's been just as good, if not better, than that first one.

 

I'm sorry you feel you got terrible advice. I don't know what to say other than I'm glad you have a sponsor and that you're going to your meetings. Keep that up, and hang in there.

[Car Chick]

Did anyone force you to make the decisions that you have regarding your relationship?

 

 

No one had a gun to my head, but they screwed my head up so bad I can't think. I don't even know who I am anymore. I try so hard to everything I think I should do and then I end up wondering whether I really felt that way or just made myself feel that way because I felt like I should do that.

[homeagain]

I didn't shun it that's that got me so F***ed up! I was trying to open minded to the advice since you and others seemed to think I was closed minded, which is one thing I hate (strange coming from people so set in thier ways by the way). But you all seem to think you're so d*** smart and have all the answers. I just want to see what happens when you see you've failed, and just as I thought, you won't admit that you don't have all the answers and you're full of S***. Of course.

 

i'm the first to admit that i know nothing about you and i'm not all that smart about life, that's probably how i got to this site in the first place. i make a lot of mistakes. no one has all of the answers, a lot of us don't even have some of the answers. you seem very upset right now. i got dumped three months ago and it's saturday night, and here i am on the internet, crying about it... so i get how much things can hurt, and keep hurting.

 

the one thing that i do know is that you are the only one who can look out for you. staying sober probably sucks a lot, but if you don't do it, no one can do it for you.

 

people here DO CARE... you can hate all or some of the responses you get, but for the most part, people here are well intentioned. you have a bunch of people who care enough to respond even though you're angry and telling us off because we want you to stay sober, so you can figure out how to get back together with him or move on. you are all that matters right now in these moments tonight. five years is a lot to throw away. really think about it before you lose that, too, because relapsing won't bring him back.

[Car Chick]

Thank you for saying that in a non-condesceding way. those who are rudley stating their opinion are the ones I was referring too. I didn't mean in any way that people like you thought you had all the answers. I had specific people in mind with that, sorry.

 

I didn't go soleley based on what they advice in here said though. I had many other influences.

 

Also, I am curious as to why you say you think I don't think that he's the one. I really do feel that he could be. I just think that there would be many obstacles such as my mom probablly hating me, and the fact that he has a 13 year old daughter.

[waveseer]

No one had a gun to my head, but they screwed my head up so bad I can't think. I don't even know who I am anymore. I try so hard to everything I think I should do and then I end up wondering whether I really felt that way or just made myself feel that way because I felt like I should do that.

 

I understand that gathering too many opinions and feeling pressured to do the right thing can take an already highly emotionally charged situation and send it over the brink. Everything's going to be okay, just wipe the slate clean so you can start over with your evaluation. What's most important is understanding how you really feel and it can be extremely difficult to identify that when you are upset.

[Car Chick]

I understand that gathering too many opinions and feeling pressured to do the right thing can take an already highly emotionally charged situation and send it over the brink. Everything's going to be okay, just wipe the slate clean so you can start over with your evaluation. What's most important is understanding how you really feel and it can be extremely difficult to identify that when you are upset.

 

How do I wipe the slate clean? There are so many thoughts racing through my head. I can't think.

[homeagain]

How do I wipe the slate clean? There are so many thoughts racing through my head. I can't think.

 

tomorrow is always a new chance to fix the mistakes of yesterday. it sounds like a fortune cookie, but if this situation isn't right tonight... figure out how to get what you want and then go for it.

 

is your agreement to be friends something you can talk to him about? can you tell him how much you deeply care for him, and how wrong that "just friends" feels?

[Car Chick]

You're right. I am upset. I'm really hurting. As a defense I get angry when I'm sad. Then the tears come, like right now. Honestly, the more I cuss, the more I want to cry. I know my sobriety is important. It's been a little on the edge latley anway and then to have this heartbreak, it's just hurting so bad. I drank a couple sips of wine today. I don't even know if that's considered a relapse. I ended up dumping the rest of the glass down the drain and I really didn't want anymore. I know most of the people on her do care, but there are a couple, mainly one, who seem to feel like I'm just some piece of s*** they can bash to get their anger or something. It's really hurtful when people are being rude to me when I'm hurt and just trying to figure this out and find some to lovingly help me through it.

 

And I know, relapsing won't bring him back, actually it would just drive him further away. He's been sober even longer than me and he wants nothing to do with it or with anyone who's still involved with it.

[waveseer]

How do I wipe the slate clean? There are so many thoughts racing through my head. I can't think.

 

Now would be an excellent time to practice meditating. I suggest you meditate whenever your thoughts start racing again. If they don't stop racing when you meditate then I suggest you call someone for help.

[Car Chick]

tomorrow is always a new chance to fix the mistakes of yesterday. it sounds like a fortune cookie, but if this situation isn't right tonight... figure out how to get what you want and then go for it.

 

is your agreement to be friends something you can talk to him about? can you tell him how much you deeply care for him, and how wrong that "just friends" feels?

 

 

See that's the problem. I don't know. I don't want to make him feel awkward around me and ruing the friendship, yet at the same time, I really think he feels the same way. He said that I'm like a temptation to him like how an alcahic (we met in AA) thinks, oh it's only one beer. He said with me he thinks "Just one kiss". He wants me to, but just like me, he's really scared of the consequences and the problems that come with it. We both want to be together, but aren't sure if we should be. I don't know if me telling him I don't want to be just friends will get him to admit the same or will make him feel like he can't be around me because its too tempting. He's going to a men's ministry that is offering him the degree in pastoring that he wants, but he's got to spend two months there without contact (other than a little with family) to get closer to God and really set his life right. Maybe in that time, he'll have time to think, and he'll really know what to do about the situation, but I don't know if I should leave with the thought of me still loving him to think about there too. I just don't know if I should tell him or not. Maybe I could test the waters by asking him if he's fine with the just friends thing or if he still thinks about dating me.

[Car Chick]

I never really got the meditating thing. for me that step was more prayer, but I can't seem to get any answers from God right now.

 

I don't really know how to mediatate. I can never seem to clear my head enough to do that.

[homeagain]

i'm really proud of you for dumping the wine down the sink. i'll be really honest with you, when i got dumped, i felt like someone broke me into a million little pieces. i didn't eat or sleep for about two weeks. i cried until my face was so swollen that people started asking me if i was seriously ill, or until there just were no more tears. i don't know exactly how you feel, but i do know what it feels like to feel so powerless and so desperate because you've lost someone else. it has been months, and i still don't feel whole.

 

i had never been dumped by anyone i was serious with, and i felt like, and sometimes still feel like my world has just collapsed and i'm just a puppet who goes through the motions of a real life without living it. i wish it would work with him more than pretty much anything most days... i still think about putting him first and how much i miss him. if you're anything like me, these feelings consume you. talk about them. what do you feel right now? how are you going to get through these next few days? is there any hope for you with him? how are you going to find a way to love yourself in the shortterm when you feel so unloved by him? those are things i think about. talk to me about them so we can both get some of it out.