I've Tried Everything!!!!!

[Duckygomoooo]

I have tried everything and I felt like looking online was my last resort...which is how I came upon this site. I just hope someone can help.

 

I have been dating my bf, Rob (not his real name) for a little over 2.5 years and he's cute and sweet (when he wants to be, which i'll explain in a bit). Before I went out with him, I was a bit insecure and wanted guys approval so I got into sending provacative pictures of myself online. Unfortunately I got somewhat addicted to it and did not stop when I started dating Rob because I was on a regular chat basis with some of the guys I had met online. Rob found out, and I felt terrible because I had not given it a second thought before. Of course I don't do it now and I realize how completely wrong and cheating it was. That's when I think the problems started...

 

We began dating in high school and then went to colleges four hours apart, which did not help on his side. He would keep me on the phone into the late night before I had an exam and just ask me insecure questions.

 

Rob has slowly and slowly become more and more unbearably insecure about how I would react in daily situations. This has been going on for at least the last year or so. He absolutely needs to know if I would ever wear * * * * ty clothes, if I would ever cheat on him, if I would start to lose interest in him, if I would ever break up with him, if I would ever get drunk without him, if I would ever have a personal conversation with another guy. He will start asking one of them, then ask a variation of it, then ask me to specify, then ask me if I find a specific part of the topic wrong, and then continue to the next topic. And he will do all of this at inappropriate times; at the movie theatre when he sees an actress wearing a short skirt, during ice skating, at dinner, anytime we are in his car...basically any moment where he is not preoccupied with something important or in a conversation with someone else.

 

It gets me incredibly upset seeing other couples just laughing and talking and just looking at him bombarding me with his insecure questions. He won't stop until he sees tears in my eyes and that i'm visibly upset by this, otherwise he doesn't have a clue. At some points he'll fess up to not trusting me, at some points he won't. He will get annoyed if I try to ask anyone for advice and tell my friends what is going on so that they can help. I've started to hang up on him at school because he is not letting me study/concentrate/live a normal life with my friends. He has a problem with any guy friends I meet through a mutual friend, and he wants to know every detail of my day. He continuously asks me if I received any messages on Facebook that he didn't see on my wall, if I received any ims from guys, or if I got any text messages.

 

Believe me, this isn't even the half of it! He keeps promising me, "one more question and then i'll stop" but it never happens. Just tonight we were at my house watching a movie that he picked and he was so intent on it that he didnt ask me anything. Then it was my turn to pick a movie and he wouldn't let me watch it and just started with his insecure questions again. He is so disrespectful like that. He'll interrupt what i'm saying to ask me a question. He'll keep me locked in his car to ask me a question. He won't let me leave the corner he's put me in until I answer. If he doesn't want me talking to someone he'll just grab my phone and delete their number. He will not get out of my car when i'm tired and sleepy at midnight and just dropping him off until I answer all of his questions or until i'm in tears or start visibly making some sort of loud scene; he hates when other people get involved.

 

Honestly, I have had enough. I've offered to write down my answers to all my questions. The problem is when I start to get distracted and stop paying attention because it's the same thing every day, I start giving him bull * * * * answers (unintentionally) and agree with him. Then when I start to disagree he'll keep asking me why I don't agree with his (very) conservative views.

 

The whole issue here is that we're going away to Cancun for 9 days with one of his friends and I"m afraid that even though he promised he wouldn't ask me questions there, he will break it as he's done countless times and I will be miserable. I'm at witts end here and I don't know what to do. I've been trying to fix this and we fight every day because he won't leave me alone. What in the world should I do in the short term (for Cancun) and for the long term (for our relationship in general)?

 

Please Help!! I'm going insane.

[waveseer]

He needs help and you do too, separately.

[Ball Four]

Sounds like you both need a fresh start....with someone else. I doubt he ever gets over the provocative pics thing.

[homeagain]

it sounds like you messed up, but now he is messing up, too. if you want to be together, you have to come to a common ground on what happened and just move forward. that is easier said than done... trust me, i've been there.

 

if you want to be with him, tell him that this inquisition has to stop. mean it. don't sit through more questions. my guess is that he's questioning you because he wants to trust you, but doesn't feel reassured.

 

if you are both committed to this, you can move forward. trust is the only thing that can give you a future. if one of you can't trust, this will never work and it will make you both miserable.

[Duckygomoooo]

I have tried telling him numerous times he needs to stop and that it is pushing me away but that hasn't helped. I know there's always the option of a fresh start but I just wish there was a way to get him into pre-questions mode.

 

The other thing is that the questions may have been started by the pictures but at the same time they don't really revolve around them. Do you think it's still at the root of it or that the insecurities are just infused in him from the fact that I seem to flip-flop because I can't focus on giving him the same answer after being bombarded 24/7?

 

And then say I do move on...there's still our booked trip to Cancun that's in less than two weeks...

[waveseer]

What do you think would happen if you simply stopped answering?

[Duckygomoooo]

Well I did that at school and he actually took several 4.5 hour drives up to me to fix it because he knew I was angry at him. When I do it at home, leaves me many voicemails and text messages and calls my house. I was actually going to turn my phone off tomorrow and give myself a rest from him (he wants to see me every day no matter what). I can keep doing that, it's no problem, but then come Jan 5th when we have to get on a plan and spend 9 days together is where the issue comes in.

[Ball Four]

Do you ever think of cheating on him?

 

I ask because there is this old saying well not really a saying. But it's sort of like if you constantly harp on something bad happening then it will become a self fulfilling prophecy.

[Duckygomoooo]

Do you ever think of cheating on him?

 

I ask because there is this old saying well not really a saying. But it's sort of like if you constantly harp on something bad happening then it will become a self fulfilling prophecy.

 

never ever. i'm not like that... i think it's morally wrong and hurtful. that's something he has to constantly ask me and i give him the same answer.

[kaoticbaby]

Do you ever think of cheating on him?

 

I ask because there is this old saying well not really a saying. But it's sort of like if you constantly harp on something bad happening then it will become a self fulfilling prophecy.

even though that's not the case with the OP, i think that's a really good point. maybe start a thread about that? i'd love to see people's responses.