She doesn't want to get together when I am near where she lives

[striker_dude]

I have known a girl from an internet board for over a year now. We are quite friendly and we chat online for hours at a time (although we are usually doing other things like posting on internet boards at the same time), and we have shared a lot of personal stuff about our relationships.

 

I consider her a good friend, my best online friend, and thats all we are to each other although if we didn't live 300 miles apart we would probably have hooked up. She's been going out with a guy for like 6 months and I have been seeing a woman for about a year, so it's friendship only, but here's the thing.

 

She lives near my dad, about 7 hours away, and I visit him maybe once or twice a year. I met her one time the last time my girlfriend and I took the trip, we had dinner together and it was really nice.

 

I am planning to go again after the New Years, so of course I naturally suggested we hook up for dinner, the four of us...and I was rather surprised and taken aback when she said she didn't know if she would be able to swing it..just giving vague reasons, nothing specific. She's obviously dodging, she doesn't want to meet, and I just don't get it.

 

This is the sort of stuff that I know I take way too personally and it makes me question the whole friendship.

 

Thoughts?

[waveseer]

Maybe she's not seeing her bf anymore and she feels too awkward to meet with you and your gf by herself.

[Lady Bugg2]

Why would this bother you so much? If she's just a "friend'....and she lives so far away...is it going to really hurt your friendship if she can't make it to one of your

annual visits? I don't think you should question why she can't go (which may be a very valid excuse)..but why you are so bothered by it?

[striker_dude]

She's still seeing her boyfriend, we talk about our SOs (significant others) all the time.

 

Why does it bother me? I dunno, I guess I see it that if our friendship was important to her she'd want to get together with me as much as I want to see her.

 

Like I said I am not necessarily being reasonable. Maybe I have the wrong idea about friendship.

[waveseer]

If you are such good friends why don't you let her know how you feel and ask her if she'd like to explain further?

[striker_dude]

If you are such good friends why don't you let her know how you feel and ask her if she'd like to explain further?

 

My way is to internalize it and get pissed and not say anything.

 

My feeling is that she has already sent the message and to talk about it does nothing but make me look clingy or something.

[waveseer]

My way is to internalize it and get pissed and not say anything.

 

My feeling is that she has already sent the message and to talk about it does nothing but make me look clingy or something.

 

Honestly, do you like her as more than a friend because from reading this it sure seems that way.

 

Friends don't have to worry about looking clingy.

[striker_dude]

Honestly, do you like her as more than a friend because from reading this it sure seems that way.

 

Friends don't have to worry about looking clingy.

 

Well that's probably in there too, I am not denying there's an attraction there, but it doesn't matter because it wouldnt work due to the distance and we are both involved in relationships, which we both acknowledge aren't quite meeting our needs.

[waveseer]

Well that's probably in there too, I am not denying there's an attraction there, but it doesn't matter because it wouldnt work due to the distance and we are both involved in relationships, which we both acknowledge aren't quite meeting our needs.

 

BRF, big red flag here. Thanks for being honest. Each of you have a problem, your relationships aren't meeting your needs. You cannot begin to hope to have a fulfilling relationship with each other until those are resolved. It evidently does matter because it's confusing your friendship.

 

Only you can decide the best course of action for your situation but be responsible and fair to your gf no matter what.

[abitbroken]

If she doesn't want to meet you, she doesn't want to meet you. Just leave it alone. Maybe her boyfriend doesn't like her talking to you because she is talking to you more than him and it is interfering with their time together? Or maybe because its busy around the New Year, she's got other plans.

 

I would not read into it, and I would drop it. Respect her wishes and boundaries if you wish to continue being her friend.

 

Also, sometimes if one is attracted to someone else, sometimes somebody tends to not work on their current relationship as much. even if they are not doing it deliberately.

[striker_dude]

BRF, big red flag here. Thanks for being honest. Each of you have a problem, your relationships aren't meeting your needs. You cannot begin to hope to have a fulfilling relationship with each other until those are resolved. It evidently does matter because it's confusing your friendship.

 

Only you can decide the best course of action for your situation but be responsible and fair to your gf no matter what.

 

 

There's no way I can be with her, neither one of us is about to get up and move and LDRs are not in our game plan.

 

The fact that both of us are in relationships that do not completely meet our needs is an unrelated issue.

 

Heck I just want to hang out with her.

[waveseer]

There's no way I can be with her, neither one of us is about to get up and move and LDRs are not in our game plan.

 

The fact that both of us are in relationships that do not completely meet our needs is an unrelated issue.

 

Heck I just want to hang out with her.

 

You are not just friends with her no matter how hard you try to act like it.

[striker_dude]

You are not just friends with her no matter how hard you try to act like it.

 

I guess it's better that we not get together then.

 

Maybe that's behind her reasons, who knows.

[waveseer]

I'm sorry to be the one to burst your bubble. The internet makes for strange bedfellows.

[striker_dude]

I'm sorry to be the one to burst your bubble. The internet makes for strange bedfellows.

 

Maybe I should take her off my Yahoo IM list.

[waveseer]

Maybe I should take her off my Yahoo IM list.

 

You could discuss it with her first so she doesn't get the wrong impression.

[striker_dude]

You could discuss it with her first so she doesn't get the wrong impression.

 

Yeah I guess I probably should.

[waveseer]

Yeah I guess I probably should.

 

You sound like a good man, don't be too hard on yourself.

[striker_dude]

You sound like a good man, don't be too hard on yourself.

 

Thanks for that and for the advice. It's a no win situation.

 

The problem with the internet is you can meet some really nice people but the odds are they aren't going to live close enough to establish any sort of meaningful relationship.

 

Good friends are hard to find.

[waveseer]

Thanks for that and for the advice. It's a no win situation.

 

The problem with the internet is you can meet some really nice people but the odds are they aren't going to live close enough to establish any sort of meaningful relationship.

 

Good friends are hard to find.

 

You can establish meaningful relationships, it's just more difficult to bring them to fruition. You could let your friend know that you're going to take some time to readjust and you'll be back in touch when you feel better prepared to be her friend.

[striker_dude]

You can establish meaningful relationships, it's just more difficult to bring them to fruition. You could let your friend know that you're going to take some time to readjust and you'll be back in touch when you feel better prepared to be her friend.

 

Yes I suppose that will work.

[waveseer]

Yes I suppose that will work.

 

It's sad, I know. But your gf deserves your affection, not this woman who already has a bf.

[striker_dude]

It's sad, I know. But your gf deserves your affection, not this woman who already has a bf.

 

My girlfriend is a whole different story. We get along ok, the intimacy is nice, but she's never around. She's a nurse and works nights, plus some days, she's probably doing 70 hours a week and when shes around which isn't often she's usually half asleep.

 

She also doesn't have anywhere near the depth and intelligence of my online friend, and it's funny because my online friend says the same thing about me compared to her boyfriend.

[waveseer]

So why are your online friend and yourself not able to become single so you can be together?

[abitbroken]

My girlfriend is a whole different story. We get along ok, the intimacy is nice, but she's never around. She's a nurse and works nights, plus some days, she's probably doing 70 hours a week and when shes around which isn't often she's usually half asleep.

 

She also doesn't have anywhere near the depth and intelligence of my online friend, and it's funny because my online friend says the same thing about me compared to her boyfriend.

 

I found that I found my husband a lot wittier when we were in an online relationship (that was a phone relationship afterwards up until we relocated). It was because he could go throughout his day and sort of "save up" what he was going to say to me. Also, you don't see someone's nervousness if they have it, or their facial expressions that could really tell what they are thinking. With a face to face relationship you are not always at your absolute best because stuff happens everyday - you are doing your lives together. Also, I think my real tendency for introversion and needing quiet alone time was easy when we were long distance. I could have been in my own little world the whole day, but in person, I think it affected our relationship a little bit. You also tend to only see the very best and not see the other qualities about someone. We idealized eachother a bit to a certain extent as it was easy to have witty repartee, intelligent conversations and even pour our hearts out...edited to the other person with the nastier details that we wouldn't want them knowing about the other cut out.

 

If you are not wanting to be with your girlfriend because she works 70 hours a week at her job so 'doesn't have enough time to do what you want to do', welcome to the real world. I think its great she has a career. Maybe as she gets more seniority, she will be able to work less hours. What happens someday when you find a time in your work where you are working a lot..should someone dump you? I also have news about the gal who is 7 hours a way...she will have even LESS time for you.

 

Heck, I had the highest ACT score in my class in high school and was invited to mensa but when I worked a job that was long hours...i felt really really stupid sometimes because I was so tired.

 

Also, before you write her off, are you sure she is not as intelligent? I had an ex boyfriend who didn't know some things I liked or thought because he never gave me a chance/ a chance to learn that about me. I would at least try when you know she has days off coming to plan a date to the museum and a nice lunch, or another activity that is relaxing/low key and gives you both openings to discuss the art and the historical reasons behind it.

 

Anyway...bottom line is that I have been there with the online thing and if she has a boyfriend and is not interested in seeing you leave it alone for now at least.

 

Make a commitment to making the relationship you have better. And if it doesn't work out ON ITS OWN, then end it. But don't be in the position of jumping from one girl to another.

 

I made that mistake with men. Didn't give myself the time I needed to heal with an ex boyfriend before jumping on to the very next and I regretted it later.