Falling in love with a man who has a significant other - closure and comments wanted

[Allisonnn]

First of all this is a big step for me to write a personal story like this on a message board! I certainly hope this is an appropriate use of the boards, and I would like to tell my story about my most recent relationship because I would like to hear what other people think. The reality of the relationship was that it was so embarrassing and hard on me that I never really told the truth about it to anyone - not my best friends, my sister, nobody! At least I think it is a semi-entertaining story for those who choose to read or comment on it…

 

I am young, 22 years old, just graduated from university. I just went to Mexico to do a field research project for 6 months, and am currently in the states but going back again in January to continue working on another project. I had made friends with several other young people around my age in Mexico in the city where I was living and working, and one night at a party in my friend’s house I just completely fell in love with a man there. He is Mexican, a doctorate student, and 30 years old. The age difference initially scared me since I had never dated anyone so much older, although with time I realized the age difference didn’t make so much of a difference and that it was in fact the least of our problems.

 

The thing is, I knew from the moment I met him that he had a girlfriend, and a rather serious one at that – they had been going out for nearly 10 years! I was so disappointed to hear that. Yet it was hard to avoid him and just stay friends, because it seemed like whenever we talked we just shared that special connection that seems to be so difficult to find. He never lied to me or told me that he was single, but he did tell me that he was having problems with his girlfriend, who had lived far away for nearly two years. With time he opened up to me more about their relationship, and he told me that after 10 years he didn’t want to marry her, commit to her, or have a child with her. He wanted to move on, but he was afraid to do so and lose those 10 years… and afraid to make a mistake. As sad as it sounds, I even sympathized with him because I remember how hard it was to break it off with my ex-boyfriend only after a year and a half… even though I was certain I wanted to do break up with him it was just so difficult considering all the memories shared and feeling involved.

 

Because of this, when we became more than friends I didn’t feel too bad about the whole him cheating on his girlfriend aspect, because to me it seemed that he had been planning to break it off with her already and it was just a matter of time until he saw her in person to do it. I didn’t even see us as too serious in the beginning, and I expected the feelings to fade.. but eventually we both did develop even stronger feelings for each other.

 

Yet when I left Mexico to go home for the holidays we had a fairly nasty goodbye. I was upset, because I had started to feel guilty and bad. I wanted to know if he was ever going to leave her, if he had lied to me, and why he had ever started something with me in the first place. All those questions that never seem to get answered. It always becomes harder once feelings are involved. He was upset because I was leaving, because he was afraid of wasting the past 10 years of his life with this girl, and because he didn’t want a long-distance relationship with me not promising that I would eventually return (although I am now certainly returning for work, I couldn’t tell him that at the time).

 

We ended up keeping in contact however, as we frequently message(d) each other and talk(ed) online. We decided to keep it just as friends, but of course there has always been a little more. He recently told me that in fact he had finally ended it with his girlfriend, that he was a bit sad, but he knew it was for the best. He talked about the future of our relationship, and how he had imagined me as his girlfriend and even having children with me, but basically he said he didn’t know how the future would go until I got back to Mexico and we could talk and be together again in person.

 

Now I’m conflicted because I have never fallen in love with somebody or something so strongly or so fast, and so I obviously still have feelings for him. I have constantly been holding back my feelings since I left Mexico, since I have not wanted to get hurt. I guess I’m wondering if it would be worth the trouble to see where things go with this man once I return to Mexico. I feel guilty about it, and I wonder if we could ever get over such a rough foundation and the hurt that has been caused by it.

 

The obvious answer would be to confront him and ask him directly… but for now I just have tried to be supportive and give him a bit of space and time to heal considering what has happened. I’m afraid that pressuring him for answers so shortly after him breaking off with his ex-girlfriend would only be a recipe for disaster, and so I hold my breath and wait. It is worth the trouble and pain? In the past I would have been the first one to say that it isn’t worth the trouble, yet now I feel a bit different considering that I have such strong feelings for him. I do long to make things work out, but I also don’t want to let my feelings obscure the reality of the situation. Is it even possible to have a normal, good relationship when things started on such shaky terms – considering he was cheating and I was the accomplice?

[Ball Four]

See where it goes. There is nothing in your story to be ashamed of in my opinion. It sounds to me like a good intro to love in the real world for you. It can be complicated and everyone has some baggage.

[HeartGoesOn]

I would think long, and hard on this one.

 

I would question why he didn't end his previous relationship, before he started one with you. Will you always second guess yourself in questioning that since he left her for you, will he leave you for someone else?

 

Also, Are you absolutely sure that he has ended it with his ex?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I would think long, and hard on this one.

 

I would question why he didn't end his previous relationship, before he started one with you. Will you always second guess yourself in questioning that since he left her for you, will he leave you for someone else?

 

Also, Are you absolutely sure that he has ended it with his ex?

 

 

I ditto the comments in this post. I also wonder what your plans are for the future. Would you ever move to Mexico to live with him...or is he interested in angling for a US Green Card (I assume you are from the US?) and that makes you a perfect catch for him. I think you better be careful about what his ultimate intentions are, whether or not he has indeed ended things with his long-term girlfriend and what your ultimate career goals are.

[Circe]

This is a man who is happy to continue lying to and deceiving a woman who has given him ten years of her life. I would simply question whether you really want to give him ten years of yours.

 

I know it's not really as simple as all that. There are so many people in your position. Finding new love without ending old love. I think there's a huge chance it will lead to both you and this woman being lied to in the future, by this man.

 

I wouldn't risk my heart on a man who has red flags around him from the get go. But then I am extremely risk averse where my heart is concerned.

[lifelessons]

I think you should ask all the questions you need to ask up front, but in a loving way. Not in a way to make him feel like you are accusing him or blaming him. You have questions you need answered and you have every right to ask.

 

Tell him how you feel and tell him you are in love with him.

 

I don't think it's a bad thing that he remained in a relationship for 10 years before getting out nor do I think he's going to cheat on you just because he started a relationship with you before he left the other girl. I think he knew it wasn't going to work with her a long time ago but was waiting for the right time and the right reason to exit. You gave him the reason. If it was going to work out for him and the other girl, it shouldn't have taken 10 years. Their relationship was over a long time ago.

 

I'm saying this because I was in a six year relationship with someone and I stayed in the relationship so I wouldn't break his heart but it wasn't a good situation for me to be in. I finally left him when I had a good reason to do so.

 

If you fell for him fast and heard, he may be your soul mate. Only you will know that. If he is ready for a relationship with you, GO FOR IT and don't let anyone tell you other wise. You have to do what your heart tells you to do. That's the only way you're going to be happy.

[Shadows Light]

There's a book that recently came out... "why good people have affairs".. you might want to take a glance at it. The author sites 17 reasons people have affairs. And usually it has nothing to do with the "OTHER" person...... that would be You in this picture. Sometimes people are looking for a way to get out of a relationship that is not going anywhere or that has died out. Sometimes they are just trying on a "new" relationship for size to see if they've still "got it".. there are a myriad of reasons. And many times the "newness" of a new relationship is mistaken for love... some of the intensity that's felt might be from knowing you doing something clandestine or a bit taboo.

 

Time and distance will clear these issues up. Make things less foggy.

 

However... it's always best to listen to what your GUT tells you. Don't negate your own advice just because you want to hear something different.