Lost in these emotions

[Divine_Malice]

So here's what I am going through. Every since my ex fiance dumped a week before our wedding, telling me it was my fault that he didn't love me and I was the worse thing that ever happened to him and he wished all the worse on me. It has been hard to trust, I don't even know if that is the right word either. I am madly in love, so much that I know for certain that it was not love with the ex fiance, I loved him but it was never like it is with me and my boyfriend. Anyways. We are living together and I am learning how to get over his past, he had a little bit more experienced than I did. That was then though and I am trying hard to remember that. I still can't seem to stop thinking that he is going to leave me, fall out of love with me and leave me all alone with nothing just like my ex. I trust him more than myself and I know he would do nothing to hurt me but I cant escape that horrible feeling. I feel like he deserves more and that I mess things up. I am afraid that I might loose everything. That I will mess it up again and I don't know how I would live with that. I know I didn't do anything wrong in the first relationship but i still get that feeling, what if it was me and I am the problem. I know it something I got to fix on my own but its nice to talk about it here, It calms me down. If anybody knows a way to help, please let me know! would love some thanks!

[SapphireNoir10]

I was in a similar situation. Engaged six months. My fiance turned round quite unexpectedly said he didnt love me, didnt want me, didnt need me etc.

 

I also have issues trusting.

 

I guess you have to learn how to rely on yourself. Ihave. I value my time alone, my space, my goals and my ambitions. The person your with shouldnt be your whole life they should be a part of it and a good part. That way if they leave it wont be asb ad as it could.

 

At the end of the day yes my boyfriend could leave me, but he hasnt. And neither has yours. Know hes chosen to be with you and is with you. You know that your ex was ingenuine like mine, whereas your new boyfriend is genuine so believe him and believe he'll tell you if theres problems.

[catfeeder]

I can appreciate your post. Being blindsided by a lover adds another dimension to normal insecurity. I needed to find a way to temper my focus so it wouldn't derail future relationships.

 

The problem with drilling into insecurity is that it puts a warped and one-sided perspective on every detail of our lives. It becomes a 'proof seeking' way of relating--it makes everything about me. Who loves me, how they show it and how everything affects me. Loved ones grow weary. Fearful people are no picnic to love.

 

I decided to make my relationships--with everyone from coworkers to friends, family and lover--about focusing on what I'm giving rather than what I'm getting. I started viewing slights as accidental rather than a signal of disregard. I became generous rather than defensively warding off abandonment. I stopped attention-seeking and became invisible. I kept my focus like a tunnel until my new habits took hold and my thinking followed.

 

When I let go of my need to be validated and dropped my expectations of other people, I enjoyed some new confidence. It was liberating. I stopped taking the temperature of my relationships all the time. Loving others well is a reflection of how you view yourself. So when you're insecure, work backwards. Give yourself a bigger mission than seeking proof of love. Teach yourself your own capacity to love, whether others are capable of giving it back, or not. The rewards will prove themselves in ways you can only imagine until you go there.

 

In your corner.

[HajiMaji]

I think I do exactly what you said, catfeeder. That type of behavior sounds just like me. When my girlfriend does something that makes me feel a little upset, I always take it to the next level in my head. If she speaks to harshly about something or isnt overly nice about something, I take it as she does not care much about me. The thing is, she can notice this and she gets frustrated. Shes relatively normal and average. She is not overally supportive or sweet or anything, but even if she were I wonder if I would still take 'slights' to be a big deal.

 

If she loves me, why cant I always see that? I am starting now to wonder if it is because of what you said. I wonder if I am trying to be validated. It really seems like thats all I am searching for. I wonder why that is important, and that doesnt feel like a healthy thing for me to be doing.

 

Anyway, I appreciate this thread. I dont think I have looked at ubruptly losing two past loves in this angle before. I think it might have caused a big insecurity in me, and I think this is where I am at now. How long did it take for you to improve this aspect of yourself? I am a bit nervous to embark on this journey! I have been a slave to this search for validation in my relationships for a while, I dont quite know how to otherwise behave!

[Divine_Malice]

I do feel that way catfeeder. It is like I am going out of my way to make it seem like he will. I know he wont and I don't want to waste my life with him paranoid and always wondering. I feel the longer were together the less interest he'll have in me. Even with all this talk of engagements again I still feel like it wont happen. I feel as though he says he will when he is ready cause he wants it to be ok for both of us that is him holding out, that he knows he doesn't want to be with me that long.

 

I have been trying what you said and it seems to be working a bit. I am trying to quit these thoughts in my head. lots of work still to do.

[catfeeder]

Hello Divine,

I'll address this first, and I hope you'll join in and post your thoughts.

I think I do exactly what you said, catfeeder. That type of behavior sounds just like me. When my girlfriend does something that makes me feel a little upset, I always take it to the next level in my head. If she speaks to harshly about something or isnt overly nice about something, I take it as she does not care much about me. The thing is, she can notice this and she gets frustrated. Shes relatively normal and average. She is not overally supportive or sweet or anything, but even if she were I wonder if I would still take 'slights' to be a big deal.

 

Hello HajiMaji, I think this is common with people who are sensitive and who've been through a breakup or two. We might get past the hurt enough to find another lover, but we didn't quite manage to digest that the breakup was just as much about the ex's deficiency--we've magnified our own shortcomings instead. We carry this error into the next relationship, only we're not just sensitive--we're over the top.

 

If she loves me, why cant I always see that? I am starting now to wonder if it is because of what you said. I wonder if I am trying to be validated. It really seems like thats all I am searching for. I wonder why that is important, and that doesnt feel like a healthy thing for me to be doing.

 

You're right. The one thing we needed to accept could have healed us, but we were too busy obsessing about ourselves. But consider this: we're probably each meant for someone, and odds are against matching up with that person without having first assigned that role to some wrong people. The wrong person will not own the capacity to view you through the correct lens. That means they might believe they love you, but they are not capable of tapping your essense and appreciating the subtle secrets you possess.

 

So when someone rejects you, it means they have limited vision about you. Your ex didn't reject 'you'--they never fully knew you. That doesn't make them bad--just not right for you. It's bigger than chemistry, yet with chemistry we can understand that either we've got it, or we don't. Well, same is true of sharing an inner vision with someone--either we've got it, or we don't. All the pretzels in the world won't change that. That's why blaming yourself when rejected means that you haven't come to know yourself yet, either. Once you go there, you won't need to 'find' validation--you'll already have it. It only comes from within, as trite as that sounds. Once you know and accept yourself, your course is to match up with the right person--not 'any' person. You'll settle for nobody BUT someone who sees you with the same vision. The one who gets you. There's nothing there to figure out, you'll know.

 

Anyway, I appreciate this thread. I dont think I have looked at ubruptly losing two past loves in this angle before. I think it might have caused a big insecurity in me, and I think this is where I am at now. How long did it take for you to improve this aspect of yourself? I am a bit nervous to embark on this journey! I have been a slave to this search for validation in my relationships for a while, I dont quite know how to otherwise behave!

 

I started feeling better almost as soon as I decided to. It wasn't magic, it was a choice--it's a shift in perception, and I needed to remind myself of it every day at first. But don't stress if you don't have one 'eureka!' moment. Things didn't all come to me suddenly, but all the little glimpses and pieces finally came together one day, and I got it! I finally understood a breakup that had crushed my world a few years prior (and ever since). I'd spent all that time feeling deficient--then it occurred to me that I was one thousand times too complex for the guy who ditched me! And this was not a bad thing. I would have been BORED with his simplicity before long. This was liberating. It meant there is no need to do pretzels to please the 'next' person--either they can relate to me as 'I am' or they can't.

 

That's not snobbery--your essense transcends status or class or anything superficial. It just means the right person will get you. Everyone else will be compelled to exit for one reason or another. So dramatizing the reason and making it more important than it needs to be is missing the point. It's not about you or whatever small stuff prompts that exit--it's about the match.

 

Thanks for a great discussion, and I hope it helps you, because it helps me to write it out.

 

My best,

Cat

[catfeeder]

I do feel that way catfeeder. It is like I am going out of my way to make it seem like he will. I know he wont and I don't want to waste my life with him paranoid and always wondering.

 

Hello again. I understand. Adopting the 'service' kind of mentality I wrote of earlier really helps because it pulls you outside of your own head--which can spin you into a rut of navel gazing, which believe it or not is a technical psyche term describing people with too much time on their hands, or too much self-centeredness, or whatever. Point is, when you adopt an attitude of service to the people around you, it moves your focus away from obsessing and gives you a sense of accomplishment. The more continually you operate from the place, the more accomplished you feel--the more good about yourself there is to appreciate.

 

As for worrying about abandonment, we already know it's self-defeating and is usually the CAUSE of a breakup. So think of your friendships, your coworkers, your lover and whoever else you can include as people who you're on this planet to serve. Your job is to give your love and expect nothing back--including permanence. Just like a good amusement park ride, the experience is to be savored while you have it. Your focus becomes about making it the best ride they ever had.

 

It's easy to get caught up in this, and when used properly will transform itself into self love. How can it not, when you're teaching yourself how much fun you can be, how well you can cheer people or support people or walk dogs at a shelter or raise some funds for a cause you believe in? Point is, there's no danger of becoming a doormat, you don't need to trust others not to abuse you--you'll look out for yourself.

 

I feel the longer were together the less interest he'll have in me.

 

Then stop being boring. (j/k) No really, think about it. What could be more boring than someone who's obsessed with making someone else their world? If you've ever been the target of that, then you know how 'ick' it is. So stop examining and interpreting and analyzing and questioning--it IS boring. Focus instead on your gifts and your small but significant purpose on this planet, and don't waste your gifts. He's less likely to lose interest if you're interesting--and that means interested in more than him.

 

Even with all this talk of engagements again I still feel like it wont happen. I feel as though he says he will when he is ready cause he wants it to be ok for both of us that is him holding out, that he knows he doesn't want to be with me that long.

 

Not sure I understand the last part of that. But it sounds like he's wondering if this relationship will be his lifetime pressure-cooker, or whether you'll loosen up enough to enjoy your life and let him climb out from under the microscope. So answer him with your behavior and show him your growth over time. Assume the best and then live up to it.

 

I have been trying what you said and it seems to be working a bit. I am trying to quit these thoughts in my head. lots of work still to do.

 

Terrific! No doubt you'll surprise yourself. Just keep reminding yourself that it's all about a decision you make each day when you wake up in the morning. Forgive yourself an occasional crappy day, and don't dramatize that into doomsday--just pull back on track when you're ready. Don't watch him, keep your eyes on your own paper, and you'll be amazed how quickly you'll start seeing things in a healthier way. Before long you'll be helping the next person.

 

In your corner!

Cat

[Divine_Malice]

I do agree that my ex fiance really didn't see all of me, and my now boyfriend sees it all and wants more.

 

 

 

It is not as though I feel like it was my fault for the last break up, infact I know that it was not me. My last boyfriend wanted different things and didn't try hard enough for us to work. I am glad it happened cause then I wouldn't be with my now boyfriend that I love very much!

 

I agree that sometimes I find myself thinking these things when I have time on my hands. So I agree I should really invest that time into other people. Worry more about me. I have my own car now and that seems to help alot, I don't feel as dependent on him.

 

As for the part you don't understand. We have been talking about engagements. Wanting to get married someday, possibly. But we are taking it slow making sure we are both ready. I know I am over my ex it just really is hard to get over that fear of it happening again, you know. Thats what I am working on, cause I want my relationship to last.

[catfeeder]

I do agree that my ex fiance really didn't see all of me, and my now boyfriend sees it all and wants more.

 

It is not as though I feel like it was my fault for the last break up, infact I know that it was not me. My last boyfriend wanted different things and didn't try hard enough for us to work. I am glad it happened cause then I wouldn't be with my now boyfriend that I love very much!

 

Hello Divine. Great, I'm glad you can see this clearly--you're half way there. The rest of the way is just to apply what you understand to ease your fears whenever they pop up. Remind yourself that people don't just abandon a loved one out of nowhere. Your ex didn't have the capacity to share inner vision with you, because he wasn't right for you. If current BF is trying harder and loves you more, then the situations don't compare--so you can use the disparity to talk yourself out of old habitual thinking whenever you want to.

 

I do understand, BTW, that while this is simple, it's not easy. Those are two different things, so you need to give yourself a break while developing new thinking habits. It's kind of like a 'two steps forward, one back' kind of thing. Just hang in there when you spin and be patient with yourself. You deserve your own kindness as much as anyone else does.

 

I agree that sometimes I find myself thinking these things when I have time on my hands. So I agree I should really invest that time into other people. Worry more about me. I have my own car now and that seems to help alot, I don't feel as dependent on him.

 

That's terrific. It's not like you need to throw yourself into a whirlwind with zero fritter time, but when you're battling inner demons that take over when you're idle it really helps to have some obligations and interests that pull your focus out of your own head. Once you're purring along and torturing yourself less, you'll be able to relax and scale back on some activities. Point is just to cross a bridge into a new direction. You'll know when you're on solid ground.

 

As for the part you don't understand. We have been talking about engagements. Wanting to get married someday, possibly. But we are taking it slow making sure we are both ready. I know I am over my ex it just really is hard to get over that fear of it happening again, you know. That's what I am working on, cause I want my relationship to last.

 

Sure, I get that. From what you said it sounds as though you're in no immediate danger of an engagement challenging your fears--it doesn't sound like he's pressuring you. Good news is, by the time you've adopted some new healthy habits and you've demo'd to BF that you're strongly rooted in behaviors and attitudes that won't put him on the defense--that will not only be his green light, it will be yours. You may need to fake it until you make it so, but that's true of any new habit. So don't pre-commit yourself to playing out bad drama when the whole point is to break old habitual fears. By the time BF perceives you to be in a good place, you WILL actually be there. So you won't need to suffer any post-traumatic engagement stress because you'll have conquered that monster, for real, before you even go there.

 

I'm thrilled for you, and no doubt you'll be able to reverse course on any uglies that might otherwise threaten your relationship. All you can do is your best--that's all that's required of you. You'll be happily surprised how quickly you can do this, because you've already made the decision.

 

In your corner, and my best,

Cat